Well, it's hard to believe it's been an entire year of this now...

Ha... I'd written up a post that talked about how I'd "learned a lot" - and I certainly have.

And now today... new information comes my way... new information about a possible NEW OM... would make it OM #3...

Sigh......

I guess when she finally figures out that OM #2 isn't going to work... no way, no how... might as well find another OM... after all, she's free to "date" right now, right??!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So... I gave her a letter, something of a Dobson letter... basically said I'm done with the dance. And now I go into what would be Plan B, I guess. I start looking into legal things, etc. Start moving on for real.

I'm sorry folks... if I'm a quitter, then so be it. I stood tall for a full year, through the crappiest of conditions possible. I won't do it any longer. What is there to save? She's clearly not "the one" for me anymore - in my mind and heart.

I hate to concede defeat, but I'm not... because I've won back a chance at a new life, free from her. She'll drag down those who touch her for a long, long time. By the time she's fixed herself, it'll be too late for much happiness... very, very, very sad.

But a new day dawns for me... I'm realistic. I expect a lot of hard work ahead of me. I expect to work through a lot of feelings. But I truly expect to detach in a new way... I'm good... really.

Thanks to everyone here who've helped and encouraged me. One year of this is probably the equivalent of 5 if she'd died - at least then I'd know she wasn't still out there - living a lie - living a life she knows has hurt me immeasurably, yet continues selfishly.

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: J.R. ]</small>

Bump for the update...

Hey JR...a quitter you are certainly not. Someone said you can't clap with one hand...there really is only so much you can do..and in the end you're the only one you can control. I think when your wife wakes up from this "phase" she's going to be devestated at what she's lost.

Obviously this news is a triple quadruple whammy on your 1 year DDay anniversary.

Take care of yourself...and I'm so sorry to hear it's come to this point. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have only the greatest respect for you. How could you have done any more than you have. How could you continue if she is that - that - I don't even have the words for it.

I for one, would like to know how you are doing. Hope you will continue to come and post.

SS

I most certainly will stay and post... maybe a little less, since it can be addictive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Seriously though, I'm okay.

It's not nearly as bad as it was a year ago.

I know I'm very young (31 going on 32),
I'm attractive (WW still goes on and on about that, even now),
I'm smart (not just my butt),
I'm wise (yes, this has done that for me!),
I've got a lot to share.

I'm not going to sell myself short... I will find someone who's not just good, but great for me. It'll be a lot of work, and I don't expect it to be the first person I meet. But now at least, I can see a path through the forest, leading me out.

Even if WW came to me tomorrow, begging for another chance... I seriously question whether I could extend it. She's obviously got a lot of issues she's avoided, even after nearly a year of IC/MC, spending over $8,000 (uncovered) I'm sure.

I never knew.

I never knew she was this messed up.

Sadly, I pity the poor soul who hooks up with her next. I really do.

Well...just for the sake of clarification...that all could have been said about me a year ago. I felt like I was doing ok and holding my own...but for anyone not inside my head things could have appeared any number of ways. And things changed dramatically within a short amount of time. So...while I understand your hurt, frustration, disappointment, anger, etc.... remember that your opinion of who she is and where she is in life is skewed enourmously by your personal perceptions and tiny pieces of information. She may seriously have no other intentions in life than to just get by...or maybe she just hasn't found the cement to glue all those pieces of reality floating around in her head.

JR,

You have my respect man. You've endured way more than you or anyone should have to endure. I believe you will be able to look back and know that you did all you could do to save your marriage. While you may not find much solice in that, it is a part of what this place is all about. You fought a hell of a fight.

I do want to add that I was exactly where you are now. The next day after my d-day anniversary I decided I was done with it all. Then an amazing thing happened. WS finally put the peices together and figured out that she really did want to save her marriage. Of course this made it very hard for myself to get back to wanting to recover. But it was a decision I realized I wanted to make. Today we are in recovery and doing really well. There are still issues but not anything we can't overcome.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I understand just how you feel right now. Do stick around.

jd

JR,

You definitely are NOT a quitter. A year of this stuff is more than enough especially with her finding some yet again to intertain her. You said something I thought I would respond to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not going to sell myself short... I will find someone who's not just good, but great for me. It'll be a lot of work, and I don't expect it to be the first person I meet. But now at least, I can see a path through the forest, leading me out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My friend it WILL NOT BE A LOT OF WORK. It will just happen. You are going to find that from now on you are going to look at things much differently and a new relationship will NOT be WORK, because much of the MB approach to marriage will be second nature to you. There are many woman out there for you, and you now know how to really conduct a relationship.

I realize you need to grieve the end of your marriage, but it won't be as long as you think. This year long struggle will help you move on more than you think.

JR, now that you have made the decision, I think you will find a huge weight lifted from your shoulders. Life will be good again JR, have faith in that.

God Bless,

JL

H4F: She may seriously have no other intentions in life than to just get by...or maybe she just hasn't found the cement to glue all those pieces of reality floating around in her head.

JR: Well she's got plenty of reality now, and I'm not in the least bit ashamed, afraid, or deterred by what I told her in my letter. I pretty much laid it out as a "good-bye" letter, let her know that I'd love her always, but that I was "done". And I told her a bit about what I want in life... might surprise her someday is she ever re-reads it to realize it's probably pretty darn close to what she wants (then).

JD: The next day after my d-day anniversary I decided I was done with it all. Then an amazing thing happened. WS finally put the peices together and figured out that she really did want to save her marriage.

JR: Wanna talk a little more about your being done? I can't recall how it fell into place.

JL: are going to find that from now on you are going to look at things much differently and a new relationship will NOT be WORK, because much of the MB approach to marriage will be second nature to you.

JR: I hope they've become ingrained. At the conscious level, certainly. I can recite from the SAA as good as anyone, I hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . But what about the deeper levels? Will I be able to live with the best possible feelings? Sadly, I've got fears. But I think that's normal. I'll work through them. At least I have a sense that I did everything I could.

I had an interesting talk with IC/MC tonight. She took a look over my letter, and we talked about how I was doing. She noted that I hadn't completely shut the door - but very nearly. She asked me what it might take from WW to have me "try". I told her things like accountability, building trust, etc. Then she seemed to indicate that maybe we'll confront WW with these things. She's then got a choice, saying 1. "well I don't know if I can do it, but I'd sure like to try", or 2. "no way". So suddenly IC/MC becomes very solutions-oriented after a year. I didn't leave her much choice.

IC/MC also noted that OM #2 is certainly gone - WW has admitted such. But that IC/MC feels our problems stemmed from within the M - no kidding. She gave a compelling explanation for WW's behavior and changes in such:

- Started out that it was OM
- Became about her struggle for independence
- After I left, WW started to discover that she could stand up by herself for the first time
- WW has seen error of OM #2 - not for her - he's gone - it's no longer about him

So in many ways, it's the same factors as with SC's WW: independence and freedom.

I can see her point, and there's plenty of evidence to support it. Too bad she doesn't realize that sooner or later, she'll be back into a R - and the freedom and independence will fade away once again - going through all the same stuff that we did in the early days.

I don't know... maybe I could have dated her until the cows came home... but my point to IC/MC was that hey, if I believed we'd be dating EXCLUSIVELY, then so be it - I acknowledge that we'd be able to learn a lot about each other from that. But I don't get the sense we'd be talking about exclusive dating - from WW at least. And why would I choose to date someone who I can't trust to be exclusive with me??

Many points were made by me as such, and IC/MC was pretty responsive. Next appointment with WW and her is the 12th... in the AM, I've got one in the PM. I'm not holding out any hope here, but it will prove interesting over the next few weeks to see how the dust settles. WW's Mom and sister are coming for a visit from far away, starting later in the week. I had no clue if I'd have even been invited to see them or not.

J.R.:

No sir. You are definitely not a quitter.

Darn that WW of yours, anyway! WTF is this OM#3 $h!t??? Doesn't even writing checks to the tune of $8K DO ANYTHING to her thinking?

That news made me cry, J.R. I guess I just want to hear pure success stories <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But you're going to be fine. We all are, eventually.

To this day I find it bizarre that it takes something so catastrophic to our self-esteem to make us, after a period of time, stronger, wiser and better people. If someone had told me 2 years ago that I'd go through what I have, I would have laughed at them. I have learned alot in the past year. I know I've become wiser, more confident, stronger...alot less naive!! In one sense it's fantastic that I've grown so much!! In another sense I sometimes miss the innocent person I was. Nostalgia? Probably. Would I want to be her again? Nope. I just miss her sometimes.

You aren't a quitter, you did everything you could think to do to save your marriage. No one could ask you for more. The IC/MC didn't make for a better M, but you've made yourself a stronger person with it and that will make for a better divorce (if there is such a thing as a better divorce <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). Take care of yourself...and yes, you will meet a woman with whom things can be 'great'. She'll want the same things as you and together you'll both make a wonderful team!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 03, 2002, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

J.R.

You are not a quitter by any means, you fought a good fight!!!

I am glad to see that you are ok, I hope that you will continue with the IC and be a frequent visitor here.

God's speed to you!!!
Dawn

J.R.; I'm sorry to hear this, and I'm sure you are prepared to make the right decisions for your life. NOBODY will say you are a quitter; you're not! You did what you knew how to do, when you knew it, and that is all anyone can ask or expect. More than most would do, in any case.

It's interesting that you'd say that it all boiled down to "independence and freedom" like SC's W. Because I was thinking the same thing.

Let me throw this out at you, though, food for thought: what if she is lost, searching for something she cannot identify or pin down? What if that is the reason for multiple OMs (as I strongly suspect in my W's case)?

Is it possible that if she felt you could understand that, accept that, live with that, forgive that...that she may finally find what she is looking for? Understanding, acceptance, love for what she really is?

Just think about it. It appears to me that our Ws may just be searching for that. They just never thought they might find it with us; they thought they had to go elsewhere for it. But even so, they were unable to find "it".

JR a quitter?!?!? Nope, not in my book.

1 year of this and still able to be sane is what constitutes a survivor. But I think you want to do more with your life than survive. You want to be happy. It is time for you to have your needs met, be appreciated and in turn share the same with someone who appreciates you. You deserve that.

You may not want to be swept off your feet, but what is the male equivalent?!?!?! Maybe ....... eating a good meal? Based on the saying "a way to a man's heart is through his stomach?" LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Whatever the saying I think you know what I mean (thank goodness <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

JR, what can you honesty say about yourself now? Looking back, then d/d and MB newbie time 'til now. Do you see your recovery?

I hope so, 'cuz I know I do.

take care,
L.

Ha, ha... such support, thank you all...

2L: I guess I just want to hear pure success stories

JR: There's always the chance for an 11th hour pardon, but I'm not holding my breath. Let's just say that it'd take the moving of earth and sky. But I guess we've seen stranger things.

mgm: another sense I sometimes miss the innocent person I was.

JR: I sure miss that person in me too. Never to return. I just hope my kids will never have to go through this.

day: I hope that you will continue with the IC and be a frequent visitor here

JR: Oh yeah... IC is pretty good. Kinda pricy, but I don't really care. Can't put a price on good mental health!

SC: what if she is lost, searching for something she cannot identify or pin down? What if that is the reason for multiple OMs?

JR: I have absoultely no doubt that is the case. And we can all see how she's setting herself up for disaster... and the poor sod who's going to hook up with her next. It truly is a slow-motion train wreck.

SC: Is it possible that if she felt you could understand that, accept that, live with that, forgive that...that she may finally find what she is looking for? Understanding, acceptance, love for what she really is?

JR: Hmmm... I thought I tried that with an intense Plan A for 9 months. I even turned a blind eye during Plan B here, long enough to see if there's anything to save... I think I got my answer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

O: You may not want to be swept off your feet, but what is the male equivalent?!?!?! Maybe ....... eating a good meal?

JR: Someone (H4F?) once made a comment about a woman who serves her guy a beer, while watching football... naked! (The woman, not the football, LOL.)

O: Do you see your recovery?

JR: Yes... yes I do. This is an excert from my letter to her:

"I’ve taken my leaps of faith along the way, and thereby have slowly rebuilt much self-respect, self-worth, self-honesty and confidence. For that, I don’t regret my path through this. It hasn’t been easy. There have been times I’ve questioned myself, had doubt, even nearly had panic attacks – but I struggled through these hard things to come out on the “other side,” ready to move forward in life, feeling stronger and more resolved with each day."

I'm still not all the way there, yet. But I'm getting there.

JR - no reason to feel bad about yourself. You're riding tall on the horse called Morale into the sunset. If she isn't with you, then so be it.

I'm glad that you see yourself clearly in the mirror and, despite being sad, are very condifent about yourself. Very good. You put some distance between you and WW when you went plan B, when you coulnt take it no more, in order not to let you being dragged down.

Ride on, JR.

j.r.

a lot happens in 6 hours...

i read your original post... i'm sorry there was a need for the rewrite...

time?...

oaktown...

OM#3?!? I mean, come on! She still needs 3 more to surpass my WW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

J.R., now you're in a fog! Who was the real quitter in all this? Who ran away from reality? Certainly not you. Things may be blue now, but you have prepared yourself as well as anyone can for an outcome like this.

As you move on, I hope you continue to lurk, post, and keep us up-to-date.

Thanks again, all...

Just another brief update... Okay, no reason to not snoop anymore, so I've come across more incriminating e-mail evidence... This new guy rides the train with her, he's Caucasian, has a job, etc. - much more likely to meet her EN's than Korean guy who is now clearly history (yeah! lucky bum!)

Innuendo implies PA current, plus some EA firing up.

I believe if I'd "stayed" with her in the mode we had going - talking, etc. - I'd have been punted shortly. So in a way, I take some satisfaction in ending this first... I don't know why, it sounds childish.

This is ridiculous... Why me? Why my life?

Gosh, I'd hate to be her next "victim". She's hell-bent on destroying herself... got to get out of her way.

My Dobson letter was replied to very tersely. I don't see a magical fog clearing... why would I? I've hit her at the peak of a new A firing up. Part of me knows that if I kept up with the loveiness, the Plan A-ish attitude... she'd eventually start feeling the need to stradle the fence again... and we'd be back at it.

Well... not this time. Once is enough for me. She's a piece of work. I didn't want to walk away feeling like this... but I can't help but feel pity. She's got to keep up the lies (to her family), she's got to keep up the anger (to justify herself), she's got to keep up everything evil... at least I'm gone.

JR,

I guess it is time to fire up the lawyer, and get this rock rolling down the hill. YOu sure spent a lot of effort getting it pushed to the top. Your right it is too bad for her, but you can save her from herself.

God Bless,

JL