Topie, I ran into someone the other day who had lost her husband very recently (not quite the same as the death of a child but something I need to mention based on what you said in one of your replies) and she said that she imagines my pain is worse than hers. She fears that my pain is open ended. How right she is. However, I believe that the pain of betrayal is altogether DIFFERENT.

I admire you for being who you are. I admire your strength and your willingness to help others in spite of your tragic circumstances. I admire your ability to stay sane. I admire your ability to care for your children.

Andrew will be in our prayers as will be you with your family.

Hugs

Topie,

Surpised by joy - imaptient as the Wind
I turned to share the transport - Oh! with whom
But thee, deep buried in the silent tomb,
That spot which no vicissitude can find?
Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind -
But how could I forget thee? Through what power,
Even for the least division of an hour,
Have I been so beguiled as to be blind
To my most grievous loss! - That thought's return
Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore,
Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,
Knowing my heart's best treasure was no more,
That neither present time, nor years unborn
Could to my sight that heavenly face restore.

- Freddy

Topie,

As I read your posts, I cried though them. What a horrific heartbreak you’ve incurred. Losing a child is unbearable in its own right. But for it to fall on Sept. 11th is more than tragic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Goodness knows that the first anniversary of his death was devastating!! (and in my own selfish way, I'm extremely angry that 9/11 was on 9/11 --- that was supposed to be MY day of mourning, not the world's!). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess that b/c last year was such a shock (to the world!), I didn't really get my 'one yr anniversary' to deal with. Know what I mean? It feels like I'm starting all over again. And I don't feel as though I've prepared myself for it all. As I said, it really didn't hit me until I flipped the calendar. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t know if I know what you mean. Can you tell me if I’m close?

For me, if I were you, Sept. 11th would have set me back to square one and maybe farther back than that.

As you were preparing to deal with the upcoming anniversary, you probably had ideas of what that day would feel like and how you would try to best cope.

But then suddenly, first thing in the morning, before any of your pain even had a chance to really be acknowledged (by yourself or others), something comes along that is so big it totally overshadows everything. You’re feelings, your H’s feelings, your kids….everyone who called to offer sympathy probably included somewhere in their conversation to you “Can you believe what happened this morning……!?!?!?”.

And somehow, little Andrew just gets lost in the world's sea of emotions. I know for me, if I were in your shoes, I would have found it impossible to even keep MY focus on the day as being “Andrew’s day” and I would have felt somehow almost like I was abandoning him and it was “totally out of my control”. Like being in a crowd of people and you lose grasp of his hand and he’s swept away. And as he’s crying to get back to you and reaching out for you, you scramble with everything you have to reach for him too but you can’t possibly win against the crowds of the world. You yearned for him, you mourned for him but maybe you felt like you couldn't actually get totally "there" to be with him.

Add to that that Sept. 11 “lived” for ages after the day was over. It was all that was reported on, all that was talked about, all that was focused on. And as it evolved it became one slap in the face after another to you. All we heard about in the media was “How tragic….such innocent lives lost…..undeserved deaths…..9/11 families should get money for their great losses….etc.”

Was your child’s life worth any less than any one of those other people? Of course not. Yet there was no focus in the media about how good and how valuable Andrew was. His was as innocent a life as you could get. Dying quietly in his sleep for no reason was about as undeserved as death can get. Did anyone come to you and say “You son’s was a very valuable life….here’s some money. It won’t ease your pain but it shows our understanding of your loss”. Probably not. Why should the loss of those other lives mean so much 'to the world' when Andrew’s seemed to mean nothing?

The death of every one of those 9/11 people was tragic, no question. But those lost lives were no more valuable and their deaths were no more tragic than Andrew’s.

Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world and you had the terrible misfortune of getting engulfed in one of the worst set of circumstances a good Mother could ever face.

All I know for sure is that is how I would have felt. If I'm even remotely close to understanding what you're feeling, my heart truly aches for both you and your H. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

E_C

<small>[ September 07, 2002, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: Extremely_confused ]</small>

Dear Topie~

Yesterday, in church, there was a special 9/11 service with bagpipe and drum playing "Amazing Grace". It was very touching. I prayed for your boy along with all the 9/11 victims. Tears of love and grief from me to you.

Take care.

Pepper <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Terrified: Thank you for sharing. It's true, that dealing with A's and dealing with death is a different kind of pain... but there are oh-so-many similarities too. Both deal with the grieving of someone who is now lost to us. The persons we once knew will never return. With Andrew, I will not see him again. However, with our WS's, we still have that chance to see them. And we have that opportunity to do those things that we would have wished we had done if they had died.

Freddy: Thank you for the poem. It was good to hear from you after such a long absence from MB. I hope all is well with you.

Exremely_confused: I have to admit, I took a few days to reply to this post b/c it made me cry. You've definitely captured much of what my H and I went through last year on September 11th. The only difference is that I don't recall getting any phone calls regarding Andrew. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Even our immediate family was so stunned at the events of that day, that we forgot to comfort each other regarding the year before. I'm sorry that you cried as well. But one thing I learned about crying, is that it is the body's way of gently releasing pain from our hearts.

Pepperband: Thank you for your prayers. They are very much appreciated.

All: It's been a tough couple of days. Everytime we turn on the t.v. or radio, there is something about the rememberance services for the families and victims of the U.S. attacks. And as E.C. pointed out, that just cuts us to the core b/c our Andrew was just as important as all of those other people.

Oh boy.. here come the tears again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm trying to remember with fondness that 2 yrs ago today was the last day I had with my little boy. We really did have a wonderful day. We were out of town for my H's company picnic. Andrew got to play with loads of other kids, play "big" golf (mini-putt golf, as opposed to his plastic set at home), do arts and crafts, eat lots of treats, pick out kids prizes, play arcade games (like skeetball), etc. Sadly, I forgot that I had our camera with us, and didn't get any photos. But it was a GREAT day that we will cherish always. After all... how many of us can say we had a terrific family day the day before our loved one died? Not many. I'm VERY fortunate.. and I know it.

As far as tomorrow goes... H has decided to take the day off from work. We are going to avoid as much media coverage as we can. But I'm not sure if we'll actually go out and do something as a family to remember Andrew by. If anything, I can see us finally taking our day of mourning. Just as we SHOULD have had last year.

Thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. I do believe in the power of prayer (and positive thinking), and feel that so much of my sadness has been lifted, thanks to each of you who has taken a little piece of it, and prayed for us all.

Well... I have to go now. I need to hug Eric (my 3 yr old). The twins are napping right now. Their hugs can wait until they wake up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen