I've been really down this week. I didn't think that once I flipped the calendar over from August to September, I would feel such a rush of sadness.

September 11, 2002 will mark exactly 2 years since my son, Andrew, died in his sleep. (he was almost 4 yrs old, and his cause of death is unknown).

I've been on the verge of tears all week now. Oh... who am I kidding? I've shed those tears at least once a day too. I'm lashing out at my H (although I did tell him another reason why I'm on the edge right now (coupled with Andrew of course) - I saw 'buddy guy friend' TWICE this week as he drove by in his car. I was shaking!). I am just having a really hard time in general.

Tuesday would have been Andrew's first day in grade 1. He never had the chance to go to school, but wanted to go so much!!

I fear what will happen this year on September 11th. Goodness knows that the first anniversary of his death was devastating!! (and in my own selfish way, I'm extremely angry that 9/11 was on 9/11 --- that was supposed to be MY day of mourning, not the world's!).

I'm just in shock that 2 yrs have flown by. So much has happened, and yet I don't feel as though my grieving has progressed. I would have said differently in August.

I know this board isn't exactly the place I should be talking about this... but MB is a huge part of my life. This place has been my refuge and my support for almost 1 1/2 yrs now. I feel so comfortable sharing here. And I apologize if I've offended anyone. I just needed to get this out.

Karen

Oh sheesh, Topie, I had no idea it happened on September 11! Don't you find that the weeks preceding the anniversary are actually harder than the day itself? I find my anxiety building up terribly just before, in anticipation of some unnamed horror. But when the day itself finally arrives, I seem to relax. Next month will be the 3rd year since my son was killed and I have to say it get a little easier every year. Anyway, hon, I will say a prayer for you and know that I am thinking about you and little Andrew.

By the way, isn't it time to clean out your freezer again?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sometimes when I come on this board, I discover that people are so much stronger than I am or would be in their situation.
As a mother myself, I don't know what words could possibly comfort you. I'm sorry for your loss. I wish your days to filled only with happy memories about your son.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>Don't you find that the weeks preceding the anniversary are actually harder than the day itself?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's how I was told it would be. Then 9/11 happened. So much for THAT theory, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I guess that b/c last year was such a shock (to the world!), I didn't really get my 'one yr anniversary' to deal with. Know what I mean? It feels like I'm starting all over again. And I don't feel as though I've prepared myself for it all. As I said, it really didn't hit me until I flipped the calendar.

Thanks for responding ML. I'm sorry if this post has stirred up some emotions for you.

Karen

Topie
I'm very sorry you have to go through this. In away, last years 9/11 put off your greiving process, (which I'm sure you have been grieving all along). As sad as this is, you need this to heal. You will always miss you baby Andrew, and I'm guessing what makes it the hardest is the What Happened? If he had some sort of terminal illness, it would have been hard, but you would have been expecting it. This was unexpected, so it is very hard. You will unfortunately miss out on all of Andrews first's. So grieve for each one as they occur. And major big HUGGGGGSSSSS to you.

Karen,

I've been wondering about you all wk knowing what was coming for you. I had wondered if all the talk about 9/11 wasn't a reminder everytime the tv is on & such. Think the same with all those families. While I do believe we do need to remember, I think of all those whose loss is in their face everywhere you go now.

Just know that Andrew will always be remembered on 9/11 by me. you lived my worst nightmare, when the boys were little, truthfuly even now if they over sleep I'm afraid to go in their rooms.

btw, thanks for the kind words on my thread a few wks ago, they were much appericated

Topie: I am so sorry, I didn't realize that had happened to you. I am not a mother so I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. I'll keep you in my prayers.
(((Topie25)))

I can not even begin to understand the pain you must be feeling. I pray that your day is an easy one. Remember we are here for you always. God bless you and your family in this time of sorrow.

OMG... Topie, I knew your little boy's name was Andrew... what I never put together was the fact that OUR Andrews were the same age... a few months apart (1/30/96). Drew starts 1st grade tomorrow... My heart breaks for you...

Big hugs and lots of prayer coming your way.

Cali

Karen--

Just wanted to say I feel for you. It has been 11 years since we lost our baby girl. The first few years the time surrounding her death was so hard...it DOES get easier with time.

One thing that heped me was to buy some stuff for the age she would have been and donate it to the Children's Service's closet here. So, when I couldn't buy her a lovely dress & toys for her first birthday, I bought one for a child who didn't have a secure home and the things my kids had. If you feel this might help you, I bet your local school would love to have a packet of things for a first-grader who cannot afford new things.

Whatever you do, whther you mark the day or not, it will be sad, but the sadness will soften with time.

Sending you big ole cyber-hugs--

Kathi

Hi Karen - I validate your feelings and share them. My son's third "anniversary" of peace was August 11. Like you, I think about him every day and imagine what he would be doing.

Life has been harsh for us and we must use our loss to appreciate what we have remaining. You and I are strong and we will endure and thrive. I know you will remember that others lost Andrew as well.

Dave

searching for hope1: I don't think there are any words that can be given to comfort anyone who's lost a child. "I'm sorry for your loss" is the best anyone can do. Thank you for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sue with hope: Exactly! All of Andrew's 'firsts' aren't going to happen. His younger brother (now 3 yrs old) will experience things first. And that bothers both H and I. After all, Eric was supposed to be the mixed up middle child! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> And yes, the 'what happened' is really annoying at this point. I've just tried to convince myself that if we had found out why, then that would have encouraged a whole new entourage of questions to be answered. This way, I can try and heal from this point on.

sing: I'm still living that nightmare. Although I've learned to avoid it, and sadly I don't even check on the boys at night before I go to bed. I'm too afraid to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I used to always check Andrew every night. On the night that he passed away, H didn't. Now he's the one to check on the boys all of the time. It is strange the way there is so much focus on 9/11. It's nice that the world wants to share in the mourning process... but it's a VERY individual thing. IMO, the families will heal best once the media stops focusing on them so much.

going_crazy: Actually, the pain of losing Andrew wasn't nearly as horrific as the pain I dealt with when I found out about H and his A's. I have often said on here that the pain of H's A's was 10 times worse than the pain of losing my first born son. I believe that statement will help some WS's understand the pain they put the BS in. At least I hope it will, because it's the truth in my case.

ellyn: Thank you. I'm hoping for good days ahead too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Cali: I didn't realize (or remember! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) that you had an Andrew the same age either. I sure hope his first day in grade one was fantastic!!!

kam6318: Thank you for sharing your story. I really love that idea about getting a less fortunate child something that I would have given Andrew if he were here. However, I'm not sure I'd be ready for that quite yet. Maybe next year? Thanks for the idea! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WAT: Thanks Dave. You're the one I think of first, when I think of MBers and the death of a child. Believe me, I DO appreciate the boys I still have with me. At the same time, I find myself being afraid of getting too close to them (like I did with Andrew)... because as we know, with love comes pain too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (I have to go see an IC about that issue. It's bothering me too much to let it slide.)

Karen

(((((Karen)))))))
My son is the same age as your son and I can only imagine the heartbreak of losing him. So I extend to you my sympathy and prayers.
You have been such a source of strength and wisdom on this board - I'm so glad you are here and that you can share your deepest emotions and grief with your MB friends.

Topie,
peace and light to you and your's...
let the feelings come as they do and keep feeling,
Ah Crap.... there's really isn't any "right" thing to say is there?...
You're not alone in this pain....each of us touches others in many ways....
blessings and Grace to you as you move forward...
ARK

Topie25 -

I have no idea how I missed this thread yesterday while I was on the board....

I had no idea you had gone through something as tragic as this in addition to the affairs. My heart goes out to you. I am deeply sorry for your loss. You have been so very kind and gracious to me since I started posting on this board...I wish there was something I could do for you to help ease your pain...or to just be there for you. You and your family will be in my prayers and thoughts.

Love,

YellowRose

(((Topie,)))

I know your'e going through hell right now. I am so sorry.

You had responded previously (month or two ago) to one of my posts. My WW lost her 10 yr old son 2 yrs (1988) after we were married. Her son was shot and killed by a playmate. Not an accident. I don't really feel like she ever has dealt with that the way that she should have. I know that the pain will never go away completely. My wife saw a counselor 2-3 times and found a support group that she attended for a while afterward. I feel like she still carries a lot of weight from this with her. It has kept her from truly enjoying life like I know that she can. I think that some of that burden is what brought on the distance between us that provided fertile ground for her A.

I cannot suggest too strongly that you need to get counseling and if possible a support group. Don't think that you can handle this yourself. If you make that mistake you will live with it for a long time.

Make Sept. 11 something to remember him by. Do something special to commemorate his memory. DO NOT let yourself sit home and think about it all day. Have a tree planted in a park in his name. Do like someone else suggested, go out and get a gift that you would have gotten for him and give it to a needy child or childrens home. Make a donation to a good cause in his name. Celebrate his life that day, don't commiserate his death. Make it a day that his memory has a positive affect on the world.

After giving her a bunch of daisies, I took my wife this year down to the beach to see the sun rise. As it came up she set free a bunch of balloons with a card to her son on it. Let the baloons carry a "miss you" card to him. (All things that I brought along to the sunrise) Then I took her and our boys to breakfast. My gesture was trampled on by her later. I found a letter that she sent to the OM (who happened to be out of town and did nothing to commemorate the anniversary of her son's death)that diminished everything that I did that day. Told him that I woke her up too early, complained about the clothes that she dressed in (she came out dressed in a night shirt and shorts, I told her that we were going off, so she went and changed). While we were at breakfast I asked her at one point what she was thinking about while she was looking out the window, she said "nothing". Told OM that she was looking over at "their" pizza joint and thinking about what a nice time that she had with him there. Cuts me to the core. I think statements like this (from the fog or not) keep me from thinking there is much hope for reconciliation.

My prayers go out to you and your children. God Bless.

Dear Topie - I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling! My thoughts and prayers are with you. Biscayne and Kam's ideas are great! If you can manage it, I bet doing something like they suggest will help you get through the day. Hugs to you Topie!
BH

Topie - Know that you are in my prayers and thoughts. As others, I value you here, and know that OT or not, feel free to post anything you need to. We are here for you, to share in your happy moments as well as your sorrow. I offer my condolences to you and your family. Take care my friend, and weep on our shoulders as much as you need - we are here for you.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Topie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Alberta, ark^^, Yellow Rose, Biscayne, brokenhearted, Princess0413, and Lor(Lor). THANK YOU for your kinds words and thoughts. You've all made my heart smile by responding with such compassion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As a brief update... H and I have been talking more about how to deal with Sept 11th this year. We want to try and make it as much like any other day that we can. H will go to work as usual, however, he's already talked to his supervisor about the circumstances surrounding that day, so if he finds it necessary, he can come home.

I'm trying to focus on Andrew's birthday (October 25th) instead of the anniversary of his death. It's really hard to do right now though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And as far as a support group goes, I do belong to "Bereaved Families of Ontario - London chapter", however, I cannot attend their group sessions b/c of my boys. (they ask that we NOT bring our children to the meetings in case they trigger other parents). I receive their monthly newsletter and save each and every one too. The poems and suggestions offer me great comfort (and a good cry if I need it too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Thanks again everyone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen