Hi Somebody Special,

You've taken the biggest step in telling your H. Again, that took guts and you'll be glad that you did.

As you've probably already found out, the anger, humilliation, fear, and just about every other emotion is coming out of your H... there will most probably be times that you are going to wish that you'd never told him. Stay strong. You did the right thing...because honesty is the foundation that you and your H are going to use to rebuild your M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree with TooMuchCoffeMan... how can we trust our service men and women to "do the right thing" in combat when they can't even honor theirs or someone elses marriage vows. I sure don't want to be in a fox hole with some guy that isn't trustworthy enough to stay away from sombody elses wife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

As for the "fairness" in pressing charges against the OM under the UCMJ... He swore an oath and agreed to live by the rules. Unless you too are in the military, then you didn't break any of the rules. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'd press charges and have this OM thrown out with a BCD...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

RIF90 what makes it a bit more complicated is the position that OM is in, he is an instructor ( as is my H , H is lead intructor) at a training unit, so he is a mentor to JR marines just out of Boot Camp. They have had a few problems in the past with fraternization and etc I am sure this would be a big deal to the command.

I am leaving that up to H. I have been honest with H , but that doesn't mean that I want to have every single detail spelled out KWIM?Every single phone call, every time and place we talked , the whole PA.And neither does H.

SomebodySpecial,

Well, you have stirred up a hornets nest now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I grew up in the military, served in the military and frankly agree with the other guys here. The OM should be gone. Life in the military is tough enough on all concerned without people having to watch their back at home.

I must say you have had the good/bad fortune of getting a bunch of us to be responding to your post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Seriously, though let your H deal with this as he will. You have your own broken vows to deal with and I hope as time goes on you and your H will see the wisdom of forgiveness. Forgiveness for each other and forgiveness for yourselves, that is part of the "for better and for worse" you vowed and so did he.

It is very reasonable that your H is very angry, but make sure that you don't allow it to cross the boundary of becoming abuse. It is perhaps something that you and he should talk about when there is a calm moment. Ironically, if you protect yourself and hopefully do it using the POJA, it will be easier for both of you to rebuild the marriage. It will reduce the resentments.

There used to be a poster here who's sign off line was this quote

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no way to avoid some levels of resentment, but if you talk with him, make him aware that both of you need to protect each other from this, and bring up the areas where there is resentment, then perhaps you can remove some of it. Your recovery will be better, your marriage will be much better. Mention that quote to him and talk about it.

Special, you can do a lot by taking a proactive role in this. Not just sitting there and taking it. That may mean inquiring how his is feeling, asking direct questions about what has him down, where his anger is focused and what detail is really driving it. As you do this he will since your care, but it will also start him on the path of evaluating his reactions BEFORE he builds too much resentment.

You cannot put the genie back in the bottle, but you can build a better marriage. So don't run and cower. Be kind, be firm, be honest, and be caring and eventually you will find that he will start to recover and so will you.

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

I really appreciate all the support. I don't have someone I can speak with that understand what we are going thru.

I think things are better today , but how I wish I could say or do anything ,something to make it be better right his second. Unfortunately everytime H goes to work it hurts him.He came home for lunch today to tell me he warned his 'boss' not to expect any work out of him for a long time and that he better get him orders before he does something .... H is certain that everyone knows in the shop and that is just one more thing I have to deal with... how I caused him embarrassment, although I admit I trust the OM on this one, he said he said NOTHING because he knew it could ruin his carreer.

Fortunately OM is gone for the next two weeks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">.... H is certain that everyone knows in the shop and that is just one more thing I have to deal with... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so very true... I know that I felt the same way. That's probably one of the reasons that your H doesn't want to press charges. Your H is feeling so humilliated right now. Any statements regarding the OM such as "...although I admit I trust the OM on this one, he said he said NOTHING because he knew it could ruin his carreer." will be taken as a MAJOR LB. You may feel that you can trust the OM.... but I'll bet that your H doesn't. To say this to him will really hurt.

My wife thought that one of her OM wouldn't say anything... turns out the entire unit knew what was going on because the OM was bragging about the A... I of course, was the last one to know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

"Fortunately" for me, I never knew about the OM that worked with me when the A was happening.... If I'd known, I probably would have killed him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It's good that your H told his chain of command... hopefully they can separate them before something happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Take JL's advice and look for some proactive ways to help your H through this period... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Just chiming in here to support the position of getting your OM charged and removed from the military.

I understand why your H would not want to go through with it, but it is the right thing to do. The OM does not belong in the service, and you two should see to it that he is removed.

Just my opinion. No offense meant.

NSST

LOL you are right, I shouldn't believe what he said( OM). H has been getting alot of what he considers hints and from now on I will trust him on what he says.LB is love buster right? I will remember that, and try to mention it in a different light tonight when we are planning on going out and seeing a few people he works with.

He did not exactly tell his boss what was going on, but that he needed to get out of there.According to dh , his boss was like " what are you talking about?" and H said " you know what I am talking about"and boss wouldn't make eye contact ... I should trust my dh,he is rarely wrong.

why is it so hard to NOT defend OM!?!?! When H was telling me how he wanted to inflict severe bodliy damage to OM all I could think of was his darling little boy( he is a single father) and H says he should have thought about that before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ...I don't think that is defending him, but beating him to a bloody pulp won't help either KWIM??!?!

Ugh Charging him will be completely up to H although I know he will not if I ask him not too.I am just too afraid that I would have to be there and 'testify' and OM would sling Mud to hurt me and H....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ugh Charging him will be completely up to H although I know he will not if I ask him not too.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Asking him not to would be very disrespectful to your H. It would be like you taking the OM's side over his. On the contrary, I think you should tell your H that you hope he does charge him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am just too afraid that I would have to be there and 'testify' and OM would sling Mud to hurt me and H.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe, maybe not. All I can say is that the OM has it coming, and you owe it to your husband and your country (seriously - OM should not be in the military) to get OM discharged.

I don't know UCMJ, but why would your H have to even be in the room when either you or OM 'testify?'

Just my opinion! Good luck to you!

NSST

here is some info I found

Military Adultery

(Manual for Courts Martial Definition)

Section IV.

Paragraph 62. Article 134 (Adultery)

a. Text See paragraph 60.

b. Elements.

(1) That the accused wrongfully had sexual intercourse with a certain person;

(2) That, at the time, the accused or the other person was married to someone else; and

(3) That, under the circumstances, the conduct of the accused was to the prejudice of good order and discipline in the armed forces or was of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces.

c. Explanation.

(1) Nature of offense. Adultery is clearly unacceptable conduct, and it reflects adversely on the service record of the military member.

(2) Conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline or of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces. To constitute an offense under the UCMJ, the adulterous conduct must either be directly prejudicial to good order and discipline or service discrediting. Adulterous conduct that is directly prejudicial includes conduct that has an immediate, obvious and measurably divisive effect on unit or organization discipline, morale or cohesion, or is clearly detrimental to the authority or stature of or respect toward a servicemember. Adultery may also be service discrediting, even though the conduct is only indirectly or remotely prejudicial to good order and discipline. Discredit means to injure the reputation of the armed forces and includes adulterous conduct that has a tendency, because of its open or notorious nature, to bring the service into disrepute, make it subject to public ridicule, or which lowers it in public esteem. While adulterous conduct that is private and discreet in nature may not be service discrediting by this standard, under the circumstances it may be determined to be conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline. Commanders should consider all relevant circumstances, including but not limited to the following factors, when determining whether adulterous acts are prejudicial to good order and discipline or are of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces:

(a) The accused's marital status, military rank, grade, or position;

(b) The co-actor's marital status, military rank, grade, and position, or relationship to the armed forces;

(c) The military status of the accused's spouse or the spouse of co-actor, or their relationship to the armed forces;

(d) The impact, if any, of the adulterous relationship on the ability of the accused, the co-actor, or the spouse of either to perform their duties in support of the armed forces;

(e) The misuse, if any, of government time and resources to facilitate the commission of the conduct;

(f) Whether the conduct persisted despite counseling or orders to desist; the flagrancy of the conduct, such as whether any notoriety ensued; and whether the adulterous act was accompanied by other violations of the UCMJ;

(g) The negative impact of the conduct on the units or organizations of the accused, the co-actor or the spouse of either of them, such as a detrimental effect on unit or organization morale, teamwork, and efficiency;

(h) Whether the married accused or co-actor was legally separated; and

(i) Whether the adulterous misconduct involves an ongoing or recent relationship or is remote in time.

(3) Marriage. A marriage exists until it is dissolved in accordance with the laws of a competent state or foreign jurisdiction.

(4) Mistake of fact. A defense of mistake of fact exists if the accused had an honest and reasonable belief either that the accused and the co-actor were both unmarried, or that they were lawfully married to each other. If this defense is raised by the evidence, then the burden of proof is upon the United States to establish that the accused's belief was unreasonable or not honest.

d. Lesser included offense. Article 80-attempts. Adultery is not a lesser included offense of rape.

e. Maximum punishment. Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know UCMJ, but why would your H have to even be in the room when either you or OM 'testify?'

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hadn't thought about that. If that was the case that would be ok with me , like I said i just have this feeling that OM might sling mud and H doesn't need to hear anything else that will hurt him.

Well, looks like all the requirements have been met.

1.
2.
and
3. "...clearly detrimental to the authority or stature of or respect toward a servicemember..."

Bust him. He is bad news for the military.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...OM might sling mud and H doesn't need to hear anything else that will hurt him...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Respectfully, that is his decision to make.

Hang in there! You did a brave thing coming clean with your H. Continue to do the right things...

<small>[ September 13, 2002, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: Not So Sad Tiger ]</small>

Dear Special:

I am not a military person, but it seems OM has violated the UCMJ. The bottom line though is to perserve your marriage. It seems to me to follow the lead of your H here.

I believe he can get the particulars from the JAG office as to what he will need to to what extend he needs to be involved.

Special you just keep working with your H and hopefully with a counsellor on the real prize your marriage.

All my best to you.

Jack

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> why is it so hard to NOT defend OM!?!?! When H was telling me how he wanted to inflict severe bodliy damage to OM all I could think of was his darling little boy( he is a single father) and H says he should have thought about that before ...I don't think that is defending him, but beating him to a bloody pulp won't help either KWIM??!?! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep... OM should have thought about that before he became involved with another Marine's wife. Again, ANY sympathy towards the OM or his family is going to be taken as a HUGE LB by your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ugh Charging him will be completely up to H although I know he will not if I ask him not too.I am just too afraid that I would have to be there and 'testify' and OM would sling Mud to hurt me and H.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with what one of the others said... Asking your H to NOT press charges if he wants to will be very disrespectful to your H.

Hang in there and let us know how you and your H are doing...

BTW, what does KWIM mean?

Semper Fi,
RIF90

KWIM is Know what I mean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Last night we went out and had a very nice time. Of course it was on both of our minds.....But we went to see a local band play and its hard rock . Alot of the songs deal with alot of [censored] yous and other angry verses. He was able to get alot of anger out last night that he was keeping inside by singing the verses.

after wards, he waited outside while I took the sitter home. When i got back, he told me that he had a revalation. That this incredible peace came over him and he knew we were going to make it. That every thing was going to be ok.

I don't know how I got so lucky to get such a great man, with this insermountalbe( sp) ability to forgive lifes worse sin.I am so glad that I have everyday for the rest of my life to make it up to him.

Thanks for all the support <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Glad to hear it!!! You've gotten over the hardes part (telling your H)... now let your ACTIONS prove that you are worthy of the trust and forgiveness that he's offering. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90