Treat it as a custody issue.
If your husband is contactable, you should inform him of your whereabouts with D. If you can't reach him, leave the info on his answering machine/parents so if he calls he can locate D.

However, you don't have to ask his permission. If you were divorced, you might have to ask his permission to go out of state. And vice versa. But no doubt you or he would be allowed to go to a nearby town for a few nights, simply informing the other person. Not asking permission. If you have physical custody of D you don't have to ask his permission for every move you make.

Simple rule: what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Both of you need to follow the same rules.

I would definitely make the point of going away for a few days. Make the point that since he left you with no way to contact him, he will not be informed of your plans except indirectly through parents or answering machine.
That is the consequence of his action.

Warm hugs to all of you. I need each and every one of you right now to try and keep me on track.

I have not tried to contact my H today AT all. He called my IL's to speak with my D this morning between 10:30 and 11:00 a.m. H called last night (left a message) to say that he had arrived at the hotel. That's all we've heard.

I will confess that I have been frantic. People are worried about my state of mind. My friend who I've discovered has been talking to my H about many things has started to reveal details that have made me frantic. "He's bought furniture, he knew the OW long before he told he did, he isn't coming back...he has moved on." She says. "You better do the same and fast." She says.

I think it's better that I do not know or hear anything. What it is it about me that needs to know so much?? It's control, isn't it? It's trying to hold on to something that isn't mine anymore.

Ark, Rediscovering myself...sounds amazing but it's as if I'm lost as to how to do it. It's as if I'm trying to hold on to the edge of a cliff for dear life. I've lost perspective. You're right. I am driving myself crazy.

So, I have to buckle down. I have to survive this time regardless of its come.

I have entangled myself in this web of who he is, where he is, if he's ever coming back, etc.

I know it, Ark. Everything you say is right. It's just walking away from him, from us...it's so HARD.

Thank-you for checking in...hope things are well.

VL, I do agree I need to get away with D. We'll see what I can arrange.

I am planning some purchases that will change things around the house...purchases I've wanted to make for awhile (i.e. a new bed and comforter, uplift a few other rooms). It may be a little costly BUT there's no price tag on the affair (and he's not thinking twice!)

Forgiveness...VL, you are so right. And it's been four years for you?? How is your recovery?

Espoir, Thank-you for your encouragement.

T --

I think that H can sense your desperation and neediness. Even i

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>I have not tried to contact my H today AT all. He called my IL's to speak with my D this morning between 10:30 and 11:00 a.m. H called last night (left a message) to say that he had arrived at the hotel. That's all we've heard.

I will confess that I have been frantic. People are worried about my state of mind. My friend who I've discovered has been talking to my H about many things has started to reveal details that have made me frantic. "He's bought furniture, he knew the OW long before he told he did, he isn't coming back...he has moved on." She says. "You better do the same and fast." She says.

I think it's better that I do not know or hear anything. What it is it about me that needs to know so much?? It's control, isn't it? It's trying to hold on to something that isn't mine anymore..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good for you that you haven't contacted him. As for the new info...well...I think it was Lor who said something about knowing more than the bare bones of things would make things worse in the long run. I tend to agree with that because we had almost four months of me trying to ferret out the truth of what happened. He would say it was over when it wasn't...the usual hoohaa...and it made my recovery really tough because I found out stuff I have had to work to not think about. Hang in there and Plan A for as long as you can, like SH says, and then when you can't abide doing it for one more second go to Plan B. That's just my take on things anyway and the way I wish I had done it. I did a pretty shabby Plan A for too long and that has made things tough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>VL, I do agree I need to get away with D. We'll see what I can arrange.

I am planning some purchases that will change things around the house...purchases I've wanted to make for awhile (i.e. a new bed and comforter, uplift a few other rooms). It may be a little costly BUT there's no price tag on the affair (and he's not thinking twice!)

Forgiveness...VL, you are so right. And it's been four years for you?? How is your recovery?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oooo..redecorating...that is always fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And you can pick out exactly what you want without any interference from anybody else.

As for my recovery...after all this time the big wounds have healed over and 99% of the triggers have lost their sting. I find myself being sad tho sometimes over the fact that I am not the same person I used to be. I have changed in ways I am not completely happy about. Before the A I felt a lot more free in myself (if that makes any sense). Now I find I'm a lot more uptight about things like gratuitous sex on tv. I love to watch The Sopranos but it seems like last season all they did was hang out in the strip bar. Made me squirm in my seat the whole time. Before I wouldn't have been phased at all. My husband gets frustrated and says I've become a prude <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That's the down side...the up side is that we communicate 100 times better than we used to. He has been completely open in everything he does on the computer and is accountable for all of his time. Sure we still have our problems but he knows going elsewhere is not the answer. It was very gratifying to hear him say about 4 months ago that the OW was really a dud <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> All in all I'd say things are 95% good with just that 5% annoying stuff...but I think that's pretty awesome considering we have been on the brink of splitting up.

I just hope and pray that that day can come for you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get through this in one piece and be a stronger person for it. Hang in there, girl and give your daughter a huge hug.

VL--just curious, my first register date on MB was 12/98 as Lor (oh my what a change, right?), was this your name back then?

Terri,
After reading Lexxy's post about Steve Harley & Plan A, I had a thought that, since Steve did talk to your H, maybe he heard something from your H that made him think Plan A, and not cutting contact, was worthwile for awhile longer. Or maybe it was to solidify your non-lovebusting.

It doesn't matter if your H is buying furniture. I still have too much furniture in my house because of what my H bought during our last separation. Furniture will not keep you from reconciling, ok? Would it make you happy to think of him sitting in his place on the floor with a pizza box, blanket and a radio? Well, even if you said yes, you probably get my point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Go have some fun.

Hi Lor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nope...I used be JodiC but since that is my real name I wanted something a little more anonymous and discriptive of me. I feel like I've been lurking and posting on and off here what seems like forever, hence my name. I doubt you would remember me 'cause I've never posted much. I just always felt others said things a lot better than I could.

Anyway..hope things are well with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

VL--Thanks for answering, something about your story seemed to ring a bell for some reason, what bell I do not know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and now looking through your posts on this thread I don't can't even quote it, though I do believe I have seen your previous name. There aren't many 3 digit members who post now--and back when we started it was possible to read nearly every post on the one infidelity forum. You say things very well now and I'm glad you joined in on Terri's thread.

My life is good, recovery 2+ years.

(okay Terri, I'm done hijacking your thread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )