This is a long story but this is the only way it could be understood. So please bare with me:

One of my H's personality is that he calls himself getting even when he feels that he is being hurt, and he does not want to listen to anyone. These personalities is what I want you readers to have in mind when reading this post. My husband and I have been married for over a year and a half. He is 33 and I am 29. We have no children together. But I discovered that in his previous marriage he did have children that I feel that he could care less about.

We met back in August 2000 and things were going so smooth. He treated me like a lady. BTW he taught at a high school as a music teacher.
I remember months and months ago, when we were going to get married. He has been getting touchy over the stupidest things in history. We have been falling out and everything. I felt that he found a letter that I have written to a friend and hid it from me. The reason why is because I wrote a letter to a friend and said that me and him have been getting emotional lately and he has been touchy over nothing.

I wrote that letter and set it on the table one day. Well two days later I was looking for the same letter so I can mail it off. He kept on jumping up, saying, "I didn't take it." The reason why I felt that he had that letter was because when I "misplace" something, usually he helps me look for it. But I had to step up and ask him to help me find that letter. He acted hesitant to even help me find that letter.

I have noticed the way he has been acting every since that letter disappeared. He would withdraw from me a lot and he was less affectionate. Every time I tried to be affectionate to him in bed, he would resent it. And come up with the excuse, "I'm tired." By the way, I wrote this letter way back in January. Well it was 3 weeks to a month after I was looking for that letter, I found it in one of his business binders, hidden behind a bunch of papers. It was usually a binder that he takes to work and he accidently left in my car. So I found the letter opened and everything -- obviously, he took his 15-20 "minutes of fame" and read it. And so I came up front with him about it. And he got very defensive and denied that he read it. So I explained to him, because I already know that he read my letter regardless how many times he denies it, that it was nothing mean I said about him. I told him that I was just stating in the letter that we have not been getting along too well lately. And that I still love him. The problem with his is that he is the type who cannot shrug things off. It is hard for him to forgive anyone, but yet he wants to be forgiven.
He stopped taking me nice places and made me feel bad.

He started acting ashamed of me in public. When he is getting mad at me in public (store), he would walk away from me as if I do not exist. If we do go out to eat he would act rude by reading a book while I am talking to him. There is no communication whatsoever.

As far as money goes, he acts like I do not have a say-so about money spending. And if I spend money for a neccessity I have to feel guilty about it.

So February passed and then came March. I had a problem with my transmission in my car and I called my husband at work and he suggested to have me take my car home and wait until he comes home. He told me that he will be home at 3:00 pm. He didn't even come home until 5:45 pm. He didn't call to notify me that he would be late. I was so concerned about him. I was wondering if he had gotten into an accident or something drastic had happened. So he calls at the last minute, telling me that he had a business meeting. When he came home, he told me a different story. He kept on changing reasons why he was late. I wanted to know details. And he refused to talk to me. He usually upfront and honest with me. He never hid things from me. So I told him that I was just curious. He snapped, "You are not curious. You just want to start a fight."

Then when the argument was over, I told him that I am not the one who like to start fights. He said, "I know that. I don't know why you keep on telling me that." He has been verbally and emotionally abusive lately. So when I bring it up he gets mad. So I was just asking him why didn't he notify me to tell me that he was going to be late -- knowing that I had a problem with my transmission. So he got sarcastic and said, "I guess this is a welcome home. Isn't it?" So I have been insecure that he has been secretly starting a new relationship with another woman simply because he thought I was bad-mouthing him behind his back, when I am not that way.

So the withdrawing continued. Every time I bring up the subject about betrayal, he gets very offensive or changes the subject and tells me that I am disrespectful when he knows that I am not. So we would quarrell about that a lot. Then April, May and June came and went. I still had insecure feelings about being betrayed. He has been very insensitive about how I feel anymore.

Our money has been coming short a lot. And he has been arguing over money. So there was a graduation ceremony that he told me months ago that I could attend this past year (May 2002)ceremony at his job, and he was welcomed to bring me without a problem. Then at the last minute, he suggested me that I did not come. He would not give me any reason why. If he tells me why, he would wait until 3 days why, which was just enough time to come up with a lie. So I brought up that letter that I written back in January and that I feel that he is calling himself 'fixing' me because he felt that I went behind his back. He has been excluding me from things. He got mad and still denies that he read that letter.

There is this pregnant female was some Sophomore at this school that he has been telling me about. He was one who But anyway, the female he has been talking to me about, I feel that he has been telling her some vicious things about me. I also feel that the moving expenses that we were supposed to have to move to Colorado (a pretty state)has been secretly spent on this female to her. I feel that he has been selling me out in front of this female when I am not around.

He has been coming home from work real late often. No affection from him at all. No acknowledging the sweet things I did for him or anything. I told him one day that I feel that someone is sharing this relationship. He has been very secretive. He has been acting like I did not exist when I did nice things for him. I wrote him a poem and he acted like he does not care how I feel any more as well as about me. I been feeling neglected too much from him. That pregnant female that he told me that he has been talking to for the past few months is the type who have kids out of wedlock and her boyfriend is in jail. Well one day, me and my husband had went to the store and we ended up running into her. She was giving me this foolish look like I was foolish. She acted like she had something against me. So I feel that he has been filling that woman up with lies about me to make it look like I was one who did him wrong. I didn't say much to her.

So my husband and I moved to the dumpy part of Illinois, simply because of all of the Colorado expenses were spent on that Tracy Gratts (that pregnant girl). I still have been bringing up that incident about him coming home late that day when something was wrong with my car. And he keeps on getting mad and asking me to forget the past. I told him if I had to get my own place I will do so if I have to get stabbed in the back. He claimed that I was threatning to "smash" the relationship. So he blows it way out of proportion.
Then he still covering up and telling me to give him a few minutes for him to tell me why he was acting like that that day. I felt that he needed that "few" minutes to make up a lie. The whole summer was nothing but disagreements and him hinting that he shouldn't have married me in the first place. And here it is September. So I brung up that letter I have written back in January for the last time and we argued about that, he still claims that he did not read that letter.

So I feel like I cannot trust him anymore than I used to. I feel BETRAYED. Can you tell me if you really think he has been betraying me or not?

I understand that my signature states "United we stand; divided we fall". Well I feel like a woman is dividing our relationship. Do you think that he calls himself getting me back because of that letter.

Hello Legit,

If this is over that letter, than he is the most CHILDISH man I've ever heard of! So what if you wrote a letter about him? It was NONE of his business! He sounds like a narcissitic little boy. He is hurting you on purpose. Why? It's a form of control. He wants to emotionally beat you down, so he can feel better about himself. I was mad at my H one day, and wrote a letter to him, but never intended to give it to him. Well, he found it. And believe me, it wasn't nice! He told me he read it. Then he put his arms around me and said how sorry he was for making me feel that bad. THAT is the way your H should have responded. No, you did not cause an A, if he is having one. Don't let him convince you that you did it. NO NO NO!!!! He sounds like he has a mental problem. He most likely has always been that way. He hid it from you at the start, so you wouldn't leave him. I'm sorry, I know I'm generalizing here, but it just seems sooo obvious to me! By the way, don't post people's real names on the internet. It could cause some major problems. I know you're mad, but it should be directed at him, not her. He probably chose her because she's very emotional right now. She's pregnant, and her BF is in jail. What better person to control, than someone who is vulnerable? I think he seems a little too controlling. Has he seen someone in the mental field? He needs too. Definitely. He wants to hurt you. Try to get him some help. Or just leave. That might bring him around, or it might not. But either way, you'll have your dignity back. In other words, I'd go plan B. Plan A does not seem to be helping you. Take care of YOURSELF. By the way, you said he teaches and she is a student there? Is this college, or HS? If it's college, he's being VERY unethical. If it's HS, he's going to get himself in some MAJOR legal trouble!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Hello Legit,

If this is over that letter, than he is the most CHILDISH man I've ever heard of! So what if you wrote a letter about him? It was NONE of his business! He sounds like a narcissitic little boy. He is hurting you on purpose. Why? It's a form of control. He wants to emotionally beat you down, so he can feel better about himself. I was mad at my H one day, and wrote a letter to him, but never intended to give it to him. Well, he found it. And believe me, it wasn't nice! He told me he read it. Then he put his arms around me and said how sorry he was for making me feel that bad. THAT is the way your H should have responded. No, you did not cause an A, if he is having one. Don't let him convince you that you did it. NO NO NO!!!! He sounds like he has a mental problem. He most likely has always been that way. He hid it from you at the start, so you wouldn't leave him. I'm sorry, I know I'm generalizing here, but it just seems sooo obvious to me! By the way, don't post people's real names on the internet. It could cause some major problems. I know you're mad, but it should be directed at him, not her. He probably chose her because she's very emotional right now. She's pregnant, and her BF is in jail. What better person to control, than someone who is vulnerable? I think he seems a little too controlling. Has he seen someone in the mental field? He needs too. Definitely. He wants to hurt you. Try to get him some help. Or just leave. That might bring him around, or it might not. But either way, you'll have your dignity back. In other words, I'd go plan B. Plan A does not seem to be helping you. Take care of YOURSELF. By the way, you said he teaches and she is a student there? Is this college, or HS? If it's college, he's being VERY unethical. If it's HS, he's going to get himself in some MAJOR legal trouble!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks so much for taking the time to read it Just Concerned. I have been taken advantage of a lot in my life. I would leave him, but the problem is that we moved in the middle of nowhere where I do not have one friend to cry to. I would get an apartment, but I don't know one thing about this city. I really regret for trusting him.

Legit,

I'm sorry if I sounded so angry. But your post hit a nerve for me. Do you think he wanted to move there because you had no friends or anyone you could talk to? You just said that you have been taken advantage of before. You know, there are some people that can somehow "sense" when they can treat a person in that fashion. You also need to talk to a therapist in how to discourage others from abusing you. He may not be hurting you physically, but he is emotionally. For him to flaunt his exploits in front of you is very telling. Do you really want to try and save the M? Get to know the town. Drive around, site see. Introduce yourself to others. You can do it. Also, you can look up apartments online in your area. Don't let him keep you cut off from the world. You do not deserve to be disrespected! Have faith in yourself! He probably depends more on you than he is willing to admit. And this is also probably making him angry. Can you get him to leave the apt.? Take care of yourself, you sound so lost and defeated. You don't have to be. Empower yourself girl! If you do want to try and save the M, tell him he HAS TO see a therapist. By the way, was he abused emotionally or physically when he was a child? Have you met his parents? What are they like?

Dear LW,

When my H drifted away from our marriage and began "making friends" with other women, he became very withdrawn emotionally, and when I tried to talk to him about why, he was also angry and full of blame. Later, when I found proof, he was also explosively angry to the verge of violence. To make a long story short, he hid things behind my back and carried on with his "friendships" until I asked him to leave around Easter time.
Only when he realized that I was serious, and that he was going to lose his home and his children, did he wake up and start to try to deal with our problems. He got himself into individual counselling, and although progress has been slow, we are doing a lot better now.

But through this bad time, it forced me to finally look at my relationship with him and I realized that all along, there had been a lot of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour on the part of my husband, which I had learned to accept, and which I should not have and did not have to accept. When I was trying to get him to go to counselling, I told him it was his bullying of me which was the problem, and his "betrayals" were just part of the bigger picture.

I did a google search using the words "abusive relationships" and the first website that came up was excellent. I think it is called wellman-recovery.com. Do the google search and you will find it. It has a list - you can go through the list and ask yourself whether or not your husband does any of the things on the list. If so, you are dealing with an abusive person. From what I know, I don't even have to read the list, I think he is very abusive to you - he is emotionally abusive, punishing you for things that you are not aware of. He hides money from you, he is controlling where money is concerned. He refuses to be open or accountable for himself. He hid the fact that he had children by a previous marriage. He does not appear to want to be involved with them emotionally. He has now moved you out to a place you do not know. Isolating someone is part of how an abusive person controls another. This is because what an abusive person feels more than anything is the need to control. Usually an abusive person has been abused themselves and they are fearful of losing control, so they use any means to control the person they are close to. Oftentimes an abusive person seems very loving, until the marriage is cemented, and once he has a person committed to him, it releases in him the fear that that person will leave, unleashing his abusive behaviour, which comes about as he tries to control.

It sounds to me like your H was never honest with you. You did not know about his past or the fact that he had children. You wrote the letter because you were ALREADY feeling some kind of trouble between you. You had already noticed that his behaviour was changing. Of course he read the letter, and of course he took it. I would also like to point out that he did not just read it and leave it in its place, he read it and took it and hid it so that you would not send it to your friend. Did you ever write to that friend again? Now that he was aware that you had noticed his behaviour, I don't know. Maybe he was already involved with someone else, maybe he got further involved after realizing you were starting to ask questions. When the spouse of an abusive partner starts to ask questions, the abusive partner, fearing abandonment, sometimes tries to find someone else. But there is usually no attempt by the abusive partner to improve his primary relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

If so, then you need to ask yourself some serious questions as to whether you want to stay with this man. You say you have only been married a couple of years and you have no children. If, after reading, you think you are in an abusive relationship, you need to pay attention to the fact that abusive partners do not change except with long-term therapy. Without that, the only way to stop the abuse is to leave.

You are going to have to be strong and self-reliant. Whatever happens, do not let him isolate you. Introduce yourself to your neighbours. Get to know them. Get a job. HAVE YOUR OWN MONEY. Save some of it in your own bank account. Make friends with people at work. Build up a support network of friends. Don't let him stop you from doing this. And get counselling for yourself, even if he does not go. You can oftentimes get counselling through a church or a university on a lower-payment scheme. You need to keep your options open.

Do you love him? If you do, it is not good to enable him to treat you badly. But fighting with him does no good - that just gives him ammunition against you. It is clear that he is not going to willingly tell you anything. The lesson to be learned is that you cannot control his behaviour. You can only be in charge of yourself. You do have the right to be in charge of yourself. A good marriage is based on mutual respect, good communication and shared values. Without these, there is little hope.

You will find support here if you keep posting. But one note of caution. Although this forum is a place where you can find a lot of support, you (especially you in your position) should not let it substitute for support in your "real" life. You need to build a support network where you ARE. No one here will be able to protect you if things get nasty. So do not neglect your "real" life and spend too many hours in cyber space.

Hope this helps,
LIR

Sorry! Posted twice by accident.

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 07:15 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Legit,

I'm sorry if I sounded so angry. But your post hit a nerve for me. Do you think he wanted to move there because you had no friends or anyone you could talk to? You just said that you have been taken advantage of before. You know, there are some people that can somehow "sense" when they can treat a person in that fashion. You also need to talk to a therapist in how to discourage others from abusing you. He may not be hurting you physically, but he is emotionally. For him to flaunt his exploits in front of you is very telling. Do you really want to try and save the M? Get to know the town. Drive around, site see. Introduce yourself to others. You can do it. Also, you can look up apartments online in your area. Don't let him keep you cut off from the world. You do not deserve to be disrespected! Have faith in yourself! He probably depends more on you than he is willing to admit. And this is also probably making him angry. Can you get him to leave the apt.? Take care of yourself, you sound so lost and defeated. You don't have to be. Empower yourself girl! If you do want to try and save the M, tell him he HAS TO see a therapist. By the way, was he abused emotionally or physically when he was a child? Have you met his parents? What are they like?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem with him is that he does not want to get a M counselor. And another thing is that this neighborhood is so dangerous (drugs, vioelnce, police pulling you over for no reason due to what kind of city it is etc). He rarely talks to me about his family. He told me that the reason why he does not really visit his mother that much is because in his previous marriage, from what a understand he was kind of treating me the way he treats his ex-wife. And when my H's dad died, that woman who divorced him was at the funeral when he did not really want him up there. His mother invited her (ex-wife) to the funeral. From what I understand, his mother is very nice. His mother is still friends with his Ex-W. So that is the real reason why he does not want to really go out of his way to visit her. Personally I have never met his mom, but he keeps on "promising" that I can see her, but for the past year and a half he has been coming up with these "excuses"
why we cannot go and visit her at that time. He claims that we are going to see her this Christmas, but I doubt it because he said that last year and he did not go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lady_In_Red:
<strong>Dear LW,

When my H drifted away from our marriage and began "making friends" with other women, he became very withdrawn emotionally, and when I tried to talk to him about why, he was also angry and full of blame. Later, when I found proof, he was also explosively angry to the verge of violence. To make a long story short, he hid things behind my back and carried on with his "friendships" until I asked him to leave around Easter time.
Only when he realized that I was serious, and that he was going to lose his home and his children, did he wake up and start to try to deal with our problems. He got himself into individual counselling, and although progress has been slow, we are doing a lot better now.

But through this bad time, it forced me to finally look at my relationship with him and I realized that all along, there had been a lot of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour on the part of my husband, which I had learned to accept, and which I should not have and did not have to accept. When I was trying to get him to go to counselling, I told him it was his bullying of me which was the problem, and his "betrayals" were just part of the bigger picture.

I did a google search using the words "abusive relationships" and the first website that came up was excellent. I think it is called wellman-recovery.com. Do the google search and you will find it. It has a list - you can go through the list and ask yourself whether or not your husband does any of the things on the list. If so, you are dealing with an abusive person. From what I know, I don't even have to read the list, I think he is very abusive to you - he is emotionally abusive, punishing you for things that you are not aware of. He hides money from you, he is controlling where money is concerned. He refuses to be open or accountable for himself. He hid the fact that he had children by a previous marriage. He does not appear to want to be involved with them emotionally. He has now moved you out to a place you do not know. Isolating someone is part of how an abusive person controls another. This is because what an abusive person feels more than anything is the need to control. Usually an abusive person has been abused themselves and they are fearful of losing control, so they use any means to control the person they are close to. Oftentimes an abusive person seems very loving, until the marriage is cemented, and once he has a person committed to him, it releases in him the fear that that person will leave, unleashing his abusive behaviour, which comes about as he tries to control.

It sounds to me like your H was never honest with you. You did not know about his past or the fact that he had children. You wrote the letter because you were ALREADY feeling some kind of trouble between you. You had already noticed that his behaviour was changing. Of course he read the letter, and of course he took it. I would also like to point out that he did not just read it and leave it in its place, he read it and took it and hid it so that you would not send it to your friend. Did you ever write to that friend again? Now that he was aware that you had noticed his behaviour, I don't know. Maybe he was already involved with someone else, maybe he got further involved after realizing you were starting to ask questions. When the spouse of an abusive partner starts to ask questions, the abusive partner, fearing abandonment, sometimes tries to find someone else. But there is usually no attempt by the abusive partner to improve his primary relationship.

Does any of this sound familiar?

If so, then you need to ask yourself some serious questions as to whether you want to stay with this man. You say you have only been married a couple of years and you have no children. If, after reading, you think you are in an abusive relationship, you need to pay attention to the fact that abusive partners do not change except with long-term therapy. Without that, the only way to stop the abuse is to leave.

You are going to have to be strong and self-reliant. Whatever happens, do not let him isolate you. Introduce yourself to your neighbours. Get to know them. Get a job. HAVE YOUR OWN MONEY. Save some of it in your own bank account. Make friends with people at work. Build up a support network of friends. Don't let him stop you from doing this. And get counselling for yourself, even if he does not go. You can oftentimes get counselling through a church or a university on a lower-payment scheme. You need to keep your options open.

Do you love him? If you do, it is not good to enable him to treat you badly. But fighting with him does no good - that just gives him ammunition against you. It is clear that he is not going to willingly tell you anything. The lesson to be learned is that you cannot control his behaviour. You can only be in charge of yourself. You do have the right to be in charge of yourself. A good marriage is based on mutual respect, good communication and shared values. Without these, there is little hope.

You will find support here if you keep posting. But one note of caution. Although this forum is a place where you can find a lot of support, you (especially you in your position) should not let it substitute for support in your "real" life. You need to build a support network where you ARE. No one here will be able to protect you if things get nasty. So do not neglect your "real" life and spend too many hours in cyber space.

Hope this helps,
LIR</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am working on trying to establish a job somewhere somehow. For some reason I feel like I am in what is called a misogynistic relationship. The problem with me is that whatever I am about to do ar whatever, I am stupid enough to announce; just like when we as a United States is about to declare war, the newaspaper company are stupid enough to announce what weapons we use and everything. But I am just going to start doing thigs without feeling like I am trying to get his approval.

Legit,

You are not stupid for announcing your plans. A person who is honest, announces what they are planning to do because they are mentally healthy. You also are not ashamed of what you are doing. That is the way people should be. Don't call yourself stupid. It's pretty obvious why you haven't met his Mother. She KNOWS about him. He's afraid you'll find out that he has ALWAYS been this way. Is there any way you can get in contact with his XW? She might tell you some very interesting things about him. Or, she could be afraid of him. I'm not really sure his Mom would, considering she is his Mom. You do need to start a network of support where you live. I know it's against your natural grain to hide things and lie, but you're going to have to constantly remind yourself to be on guard with him. And yes, it's very strange that he never contacts his children. Maybe they don't want him to contact them? Is there any way you can make it back home? Is there support there for you? Legit, I'm concerned about you. I have been in an abused M. I want you to take care of yourself. You are NOT to blame. Don't allow him to convince you of that. Please!

Legit, are you alright? You haven't posted here the past couple of days. I'm getting a little worried. Will you please respond?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Legit, are you alright? You haven't posted here the past couple of days. I'm getting a little worried. Will you please respond?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so scared. I am honestly getting to the point where I am talking flip and careless to him. Sunday. we went to the chruch Cathedral. Then we went out to eat and I told him that I have been feeling like a little kid, and that I am feeling like I do not have any say-so over money. He gets pretty jumpy over money. I told him that I have a feeling who was in this relationship and where all that extra money went. He claimed in a calm voice that I came up with that out of "left field". I know that it was her. My dad told me that when I was a little girl to trust my instincts and believe it. I can tell when someone is going behind my back or something bad. Usually I am right. I have that same gift my dad has. This morning, I told him "I do not want to get cheated on again, whether you did it or not." He keeps on givng me this defensive reverse thing to make it look like I am a liar, "Okay. I betrayed you, alright? Since you want to accuse me of cheating I will just say I did, okay? I had so many liars in my life that it isn't even funny. So go on ahead and beleive whatever you want." Then he slammed the door and I opened it before he got in the car and said, "When you really need me, don't expect me to be around." He said, "Fine then, I will go to some McDonald's to eat something than to stay home with this." So now he is at work. And I am about to go to work also. So I feel like he is trying to make me a liar. I told him that I am too nice to you to be cheated on. And that I don't need money to prove that I do for you either. He told me, "I know. You keep on dropping strong hints that I was cheating on you or doing something dirty behind your back. Now I am to the point where I don't believe a thing he says to me anymore.

My attitude is: If he wants to play with this relationship, which I think is important to me, then I will play with money, which seems so important to him. So I am to the point where I am going to contemplate when this is all over.

Legit,

Don't play his games. He's been doing this for years. You need to get away from him. If he's that secretive about money, that's a red flag. M couples when dealing with finances, should be open and honest with one another. He's been playing those games for a long time. He'll see right through you. Don't worry right now about him possibly having an A, worry about getting away from him. He sounds a bit mental to me. Do you have any money yourself? Is there any way you can find a temporary place to live? Can you get back home? I don't know if he's ever been physical, but he doesn't sound balanced. Keep a cool head, don't let him get to you. I know it's hard, but don't! Do you have any friends at work that you could trust and talk to? Does your Co. have a human resources office?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Legit,

Don't play his games. He's been doing this for years. You need to get away from him. If he's that secretive about money, that's a red flag. M couples when dealing with finances, should be open and honest with one another. He's been playing those games for a long time. He'll see right through you. Don't worry right now about him possibly having an A, worry about getting away from him. He sounds a bit mental to me. Do you have any money yourself? Is there any way you can find a temporary place to live? Can you get back home? I don't know if he's ever been physical, but he doesn't sound balanced. Keep a cool head, don't let him get to you. I know it's hard, but don't! Do you have any friends at work that you could trust and talk to? Does your Co. have a human resources office?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh. It is not a game. But I tried to talk to him yesterday and he got upset and claimed that I am hard to live with. I went up to his job yesterday and brung him his lunch and I told him, "One day you are going to wish you treated me better." I had that strong tone of voice and I had evening college courses and I came home and he was crying when I saw him. I couldn't care less. He claims that he is not going to do it and that he didn't have an A in the first place. He also said, "You can come up with all the evidence you can, but there is no woman waiting 'in the wings' to make you clear out and take your place." But I am to the point where I don't even care anymore. He is thinking about moving across the river to St. Louis to teach because he cannot deal with LD students. I feel that he is also racial and I do not like that in anyone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by legit-writer:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Legit,

Don't play his games. He's been doing this for years. You need to get away from him. If he's that secretive about money, that's a red flag. M couples when dealing with finances, should be open and honest with one another. He's been playing those games for a long time. He'll see right through you. Don't worry right now about him possibly having an A, worry about getting away from him. He sounds a bit mental to me. Do you have any money yourself? Is there any way you can find a temporary place to live? Can you get back home? I don't know if he's ever been physical, but he doesn't sound balanced. Keep a cool head, don't let him get to you. I know it's hard, but don't! Do you have any friends at work that you could trust and talk to? Does your Co. have a human resources office?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh. It is not a game. But I tried to talk to him yesterday and he got upset and claimed that I am hard to live with. I went up to his job yesterday and brung him his lunch and I told him, "One day you are going to wish you treated me better." I had that strong tone of voice and I had evening college courses and I came home and he was crying when I saw him. I couldn't care less. He claims that he is not going to do it and that he didn't have an A in the first place. He also said, "You can come up with all the evidence you can, but there is no woman waiting 'in the wings' to make you clear out and take your place." But I am to the point where I don't even care anymore. He is thinking about moving across the river to St. Louis to teach because he cannot deal with LD students. I feel that he is also racial and I do not like that in anyone.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now he want to have the audacity to change his mind about me attending the open house. And that is the same stunt he pulled last year. Then he turned around and said that I was disrespectful.

Legit,

Keep being strong for yourself. He sounds like he has a lot of deep seeded anger in him. You are sounding much stronger now. He needs to get help for his problems. Have you found anything? Or is he talking about moving himself? What I mean by games, is that he seems to thrive on causing you pain. So he hints at an A. I'm glad you told him he's lucky to have you. He is! And I think he doesn't even know how to handle his good fortune. Keep that strong attitude you now have. Maybe he will realize (hopefully) that he needs professionl help. No, I would not like someone that is racist, myself. I agree with you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Legit,

Keep being strong for yourself. He sounds like he has a lot of deep seeded anger in him. You are sounding much stronger now. He needs to get help for his problems. Have you found anything? Or is he talking about moving himself? What I mean by games, is that he seems to thrive on causing you pain. So he hints at an A. I'm glad you told him he's lucky to have you. He is! And I think he doesn't even know how to handle his good fortune. Keep that strong attitude you now have. Maybe he will realize (hopefully) that he needs professionl help. No, I would not like someone that is racist, myself. I agree with you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am too nice to tolerate mean people. I had enough people tried to screw me over in my life that it isn't even funny. I AM TIRED OF THIS!!!!

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: legit-writer ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Legit,

Keep being strong for yourself. He sounds like he has a lot of deep seeded anger in him. You are sounding much stronger now. He needs to get help for his problems. Have you found anything? Or is he talking about moving himself? What I mean by games, is that he seems to thrive on causing you pain. So he hints at an A. I'm glad you told him he's lucky to have you. He is! And I think he doesn't even know how to handle his good fortune. Keep that strong attitude you now have. Maybe he will realize (hopefully) that he needs professionl help. No, I would not like someone that is racist, myself. I agree with you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He hollered at me all night last night and call me names and slamming things. I told him that it scares me when he does that. He told me that I wanted to have the last word. He woke up this morning and hollered at me, hauled off without giving me any money or anything. I tried to make breakfast for him this morning and he acted like he does not appreciate it at all. Then he turns around and said that he is sorry and that he admits that he has been in the wrong just as much as I did. But to tell the truth, Just Concerned, I am to the point where I am starting to no be as forgiving as well as ashamed to be around him anymore. I think that I am going to call a separation if he agrees. I probably will if this keep on happening. The reason why I am to the point where I am becoming unforgiving is because he will hurt me, apologize and do it again. So it is very hard to forgive him. I am just going to start going out more by myself, which is what I call a "partial separation." It is like separation, but I am not going to just do my own thing like we are strangers and see how it works. Do you have an email address? If so is is possible that you can give me it. Mines is legitwriter@hotmail.com.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: legit-writer ]</small>

Legit,

I don't think a "partial" seperation would work. Can you leave? And yes, I agree with you about him apologizing and just repeating his acts. Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't mean squat when they do it over and over again. It's just "lip service". I'll e-mail it to you as soon as I get done with dinner. Take care!

<small>[ March 21, 2005, 05:17 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Concerned:
<strong>Legit,

I don't think a "partial" seperation would work. Can you leave? And yes, I agree with you about him apologizing and just repeating his acts. Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't mean squat when they do it over and over again. It's just "lip service". I'll e-mail it to you as soon as I get done with dinner. Take care!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once again, my email address is legitwriter@hotmail.com. We went to the St. Louis Symphony and we watched the violinists and all of that. It was pretty. Well I called a friend who is like a second mother and told her the situation about the relationship and she told me if I needed help from her financially then I can certainly call her and she will give me some money to go back home if I needed to. So I am thinking about it off and on. The problem is that I have my own bank acct to tell the truth, but when we moved out to this dumpy city, he call himself 'borrowing'my money and he acts like he has control over that too. And he always think about the things he does for him when I do more things for him, he calls himself doing things for me with money. But he calls himself 'putting the money back', but yet when I talk about pulling it out he acts objective about MY OWN MONEY. He acts like I do not have a say-so over money. I am sick of that. He claims that he is going to give me money to shop for some more clothes and I really badly need some clothes and he has been coming up with money excuses to hold off on my shopping. So I told him if I have to then I will pull out my own money to go shopping. I am not going to sit and wait on him anymore.