posted my situation a while back. not getting any responses. please some one talk to me. my husband has asked me to leave and i begged him for a chance to make this work. he has told me that i have two choices. one, stay as more or less room mates to see what happens.two, leave now. i have put him through alot since moving here. severe depression, not working, missing family, etc. i really want him to forgive me and work on our relationship. as i stated before i am currently looking for a job. winter will soon set in here so i cant leave. probably within a month. does it sound like he still has some hope left just because he is allowing me to stay and see. and does he just want to see more trying from my end. someone please talk to me i very much need it. thanks

GTF,

I'm sorry nobody has responded to you. That's a hard question. I'm not sure what's on his mind. He may be considering it. How long has it been since D-day? He sounds still hurt and angry. It takes quite a while to grieve over an A. Have the two of you sat down and discussed anything? Or is he not wanting to talk? You need to tell me more.

Stay and be work on plan A. Be the spouse you know you can be. It is hard to say more not knowing more about your circumstance but being in his company and working on yourself is the best thing. As for the depression get medical treatement, it can help. Best wishes...

Okay, I've read some of your past posts. You're still not saying a whole lot. I did notice something, tho I could be wrong. Tell me, when you were so depressed, did he say to leave then? Or, when you got back, saying you now wanted to work on it, he said to leave? Because, if the latter is true, it sounds like he wanted to punish you by taking you so far from home. Now, since you got back, you are looking at the brighter side of things, and since he's still hurting, he doesn't want you to feel happy, so he's telling you to leave so you will once again, feel depressed. I could be reading too much into this, but then, I may not be.

just concerned. i told him about a one nite affair i had with ex. right before a trip out here to visit. he stayed here a week and i flew back home. the sept 11, attack happened the next day so he was stuck another two weeks. he convinced me on the phone to move 3000 miles away.said it was the only way we could make it together. we moved here in oct. i was very depressed because i left behind a daughter and grand daughter. didnt look for a job, just basically sat in a deep depression. he did say if i needed to go back because i couldnt handle missing them that it would hurt him very much but he would understand, no he never told me to leave. when i got back from the trip and still didnt look for a job for 5 weeks, cause i didnt have clothes, i felt uncomfortable looking. that is when he told me just leave. i begged him for a chance and that is when he told me ok just stay. i wont make you any promises it will be like we are just roomates. but today i asked him if i could hug him before he left to go play cards and he said yes and hugged me back. we still sleep together so i say it is a little more than room mates. my mother says he just wants to see some positive changes in me. he wanted this so much and really did try to make me comfortable until july. i agreed to his terms because after all my words are just talk and it is the only way he can see that i really want to be here. it will be hard away from my girls but this is a greater pain than i imagined. he even told me not to cook or wash his clothes too but i still do and he says thank you. he wanted me far away from ex. to save our relationship. i believe i messed up now not trying here because of depression. i wonder now if i can change his feelings back with changing what i do. your thoughts on this greatly appreciated.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

just concerned, we are not divorced yet. i believe he wants my attitude to change. i am trying.

i also posted a letter under other topics that might explain more. thanks

GTF,

Well, it kind of sounds like he's going plan A and B at the same time! LOL Maybe try to go along with his plan for a while. Do nice things for him, but step back a little. He sounds like he just needs some room to think. He's still hurting. I know, you said you never got to the point of no return, but he knows that if he didn't try to stop the EMA, you might have gone through with it. He's obsessing about it right now. He needs to go through this to heal. If he wants to know things, you should tell him. Start working on yourself. Go to a Dr. and explain your depression. Then do some things for yourself. It might give you a little lift from your sadness. Maybe he's feeling guilty for taking you so far away from your D and GC. You need to show him that you are okay with being there. But, first things first, get some help for the depression! Take care of yourself!

just concerned, i am new to all of this, so please explain to me what EMA stands for. also, he has told me that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore. if he really wanted me to move out, he could make me go back home.

oh by the way, i told him about the affair the nite before the trip, but the affair happened two years earlier. thanks for talking to me. it really did help! because of his change of heart i wonder if i should give up and leave. i hurt very much over what i have done also. i stayed in a seventeen year marriage before this one and i learnt a lot of bad habbits about affairs being forgiven. my new husband said he would never forgive that kind of behavior, but here we are.

sorry so caught up in my own pain. you said you were seriously ill and almost died. i am gald you have pulled through the illness. are you doing better now? I know people never forget but there is alot to be said about forgiveness. you have made it 10 years, there must be something there that you want. Sometimes i feel like i am only happy when i am hurting. isnt that stupid. anyway, you are sweet for taking time to talk to me. if u need to talk, i will be here a while.

G2Far,

Welcome to MB. Sorry we didn't respond sooner. Many new ones and slower responses here at times.

You said the A was 2 years ago. How long have you been married?

Have you seen a counselor? How much of the concepts section have you read? Your H sounds like he is in pain. Let hm know that there are several H's here that post with W's who had an A (sorry - trying to be gentle but really can't). Maybe they can help him refocus his anger and work on seeing that a repentant W is much much better than an obstinate one.

I have to run some errands. I will check back later. ok?!?!?

take care,
L.

we have been married for four years. he is 35 and i am 43. he doesnt believe in councelling. he is also agnostic in beliefs on faith. i have 3 grown children and he has none and does not want any. he knows that i am talking on this site and sorta laughs at it.

GTF,

My heart aches for you and unfortunately I can't give much advice since I'm in the middle of my own hurricane. Keep posting, their very good and helpful people on the web site and the more you talk the better you feel. Just know that my prayers are with you.
Good luck and keep posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

GTF,

I'm sorry I didn't reply to you sooner. I was off the PC. EMA means extramarital affair. He's laughing at you? Don't take that to heart. He sounds like a lot of men (not ALL MEN guys, don't flame me! LOL) that are not used to discussing feelings. That's probably why he doesn't believe in marriage counseling. Some women are like that, too. Do you know what it was that made you feel like you needed someone else? You need to find out, if you haven't. Once you figure it out, you can avoid the temptation better. You can go to the MC yourself. He may eventually follow if he sees some positive changes in you. Yes, there are some people that can forgive an A, and others can not forgive. I tend to be unforgiving, myself. I guess I'm more like your H in that respect. But, I see that you are truly hurting. I'm doing fine by the way, thankyou for asking. You need to work on yourself first, before the M. If you can feel better about yourself, your H will notice. Now, there's no guarantee that he'll come around in the M, but you will be stronger either way to cope with things. Have you thought any on seeing a Dr. about your depression? You don't have to take meds if you feel too uncomfortable with it, but you need to talk to a professional. A therapist maybe?

G2F,

My WS did not believe in counseling either. Yet we did go and see a MC/FC (in fact it was after a visit with the FC that d/d happened (I heard a voicemail from the OW say "I love U!" @ 11:30pm - YUCK!)

Anyway my skeptic even had a phone counseling session with Steve Harley. Our one and only with Steve and it was 'suppose' to be a joint session (hmmm.... WS took almost 50 minutes alone! So much for his words "I don't have anything to say to Steve."

So you go and talk to the IC/MC as needed. You go and see the doc for STDs. You keep reading and posting here. Do what you need for you. He laughs and points the finger at you? Just remind him that 3 are pointing back at him.

Focusing on the right viewpoint is important right now. You don't have your spouse as your best supporter, in fact they could very well be your worst adversary. And they might not even know it.

Read up on the books here and keep posting. You will learn the skills to survive.

L.

<small>[ September 22, 2002, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

just concerned

last nite h and i had a heated and long discussion about what has happened in our marriage. he already knows that in my previous marriage of 17 years, i left that h several times to be with this same ex. so he became like an addition to me. everytime i was hurt, i ran to him. i told him that at the time i revealed the affair to him i had convinced myself if i told him a lie and said i had actually slept with ex he would leave me. my h had a problem with keeping a job and i was so hurt over it. at the time i had a job. we were also both smoking mj a lot more than the norm. i didnt understand how i could do it and work but he could not or would not. i was so addicted i could not see his pain it was causing. under addiction to mj and the three years of him not keeping work i got emotionally weak and went to see ex. drank alot that nite and he was polluted when i got there. he started trying to kiss me and take my clothes off. i eventually went to the front door and he said to me, i know u still have feeling for me. i told him that i did not just wanted to talk and i should not have come over. he told me that i had always come to him before when things were rough with first husband of 17 years and the father our three children. i told him new husband meant more to me than first. that is the last time i have ever seen him. he made me sick. anyway you know the rest. we moved here. now my husband told me last nite since i couldnt accept just a roomate status that he was going to give it some serious thought and let me know his decision today. this morn i was asleep on the couch, i went there cause my tossing and turning would keep him awake. i couldnt sleep. he shut the blinds where the sun wouldnt shine in my face. i was awake but just laid there. he tried very hard not to make any noise as he left to not disturb me. we said nothing at lunch about problems or his answer. i asked him about advice on some of my job apps. he placed a newspaper at the back door so i would find it when i let the dog out when i got up. i am so afraid to ask him if he has made a decision. should i say nothing and go back to just leaving him alone. he told me he would have an answer today, but i again dont want to push it. he asked me a lot more questions last nite then he has ever asked about all sorts of things besides the a. i just cant ask him. i feel more lost now than yesterday. pulling hair out and no sleep to boot. lol sorry so long, i guess i am kinda winded today.

GTF,

Don't worry about wanting to vent. That's what this site is for. So people can help one another out. Well, it seems like this guy that you have been involved with is not actually trying to be a "friend". If he did that to you, he's had an ulterior motive for some time. Just got brave enough to try when he had been drinking. I'm glad you got away from him before things went too far. About your H...I would just accept his arrangement for the time being. Don't get into heated discussions with him. It won't help either of you out. If he wants to vent, let him do it. Just listen. He needs to. But, you do need to start working on yourself. If H wants to remain in M, he'll eventually follow. You have to be patient. Have you tried plan A? In your case, I would try it. You've got nothing to lose. And you will be improving yourself, I.E. self esteem, etc. If you need to vent, just post here. I hope everything worked out today for you and him. Just remember, don't get defensive with him. I know it's hard, but try. If he starts yelling, keep calm and talk to him in a quiet manner. Eventually, he's going to see he's the only one raising his voice and calm down also. I mean, what's the point of yelling and arguing if you're the only one doing it? Keep us posted okay?

just concerned,

well i guess it is all over. this morn i got up early and he was leaving for work. as i said earlier i didnt want to even ask him if he made up his mind. well this morn, i asked him about the newspaper, he asked me, what do u want the paper for. i said to look for a job. he told me that i shouldnt bother cause he doesnt believe he can live like this. then he said he didnt have time to discuss it and he had to go to work.
i have been crying and just talked to family about shipping my stuff home. they can come pick it up tues. hurting so bad i cant function. i have to drive those 3000 miles back home grieving over this marriage. i just cant believe he would do this to me now. thanks for talking to me. i hope you also get better. he has told me that it would be better for him to lose me and go ahead and get the grieving over once and for all than to hurt while working on this marriage. i hope i can make it.

GTF, what do you want? Do you want to break it off too and move back home, 3000 miles from H? Or do you want to make your M work? If the latter, that means living 3000 miles away from D & GC (I feel for you, I live 7000 miles from mine <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ) and you must also give up all contact with OM/friend (sounds like you've done it, but just emphasizing that part). I think you need to really understand what you're going to give up (D, GC, OM) and agree to it within yourself before you are ready to commit to M.

Question: why are you letting H tell you to give up on M and move out? If you have seriously thought about what you want and decided to save M, couldn't you stay? In your new home, with him? Even without his consent? You are M, it is your home, he can't tell you what to do (and I'm assuming he's *not* physically abusive).

Perhaps you should turn it around on H and tell him no, you aren't going to give up, you want to save M, you love him & are willing to work on it. Then do it! Find a job, get new friends, join clubs & activities - work on yourself. And do a GREAT Plan A on your H. Sounds like he's not going to be there for you as support. You'll need to find that other places - here on this site, friends, family (long-distance! $$$$ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I know, I know!), an IC, and mostly within yourself.

Is that something you can or want to do?

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:29 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>