I am having a problem, my WH is visiting in 2 weeks for the weekend. How I have longed to see him to be able to plan A. Well my chance is here and I CAN'T. I am so full of hate and disgust for him right now. I wake up in the night after dreams of him disrespting me and I'm up for hours with nothing but vile thoughts of the way he has treated me going through my head. I am shaking writing this, this is not how I wanted things to happen. But, all the pressure of the D, not being able to find a job, financial worries, and his constant reminders that he is the victim here are dragging me down.

I don't know what to do in two weeks, I will have to be around him to go to my sons football game, but I don't know if I can keep from laying into him. Help me. I don't want to blow all I've worked for on one lousy weekend, I am still hoping to reconcile although it is getting further and further away.

He is so distant, everytime I try and connect it happens for a moment (email only) then he seems to shut down and I don't hear anything. I am not talking R or M talk just stuff about kids. Then he always has to ask about the D and when this is going to be done and complaining about his situation. Well HE put us in this situation. He didn't have to move 1000 miles away. But, now its "how will I have money to visit the kids?" My neighbor heard him on cell phone outside before he moved away telling OW he "had to get out of here" so I know he just ran away.

He wants me to pay and suffer for all his mistakes, believe me I have suffered but I haven't complained to him about all he has put us through. Why doesn't he complain to OW. She is so SMART as he says, she should have answers to all his problems.

Boy, I'm just ranting. But, please does anyone know what I should do in 2 weeks. I am sick about the thought of him being here. But I don't want to ruin the weekend for our kids. I wish I could plan A but I don't feel like he deserves it. Why should I be nice, how can I?
Sharon

Ok Sharon but you have 2 weeks to calm down. Let's start with some breathing excercises. In, out and blow.... whew!!! Come on 3 more times. Too much and you hyper ventilate!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Now, get some calming oil.... lavendar/camamoile (sp??) Take a soothing bath, then slap that towel on the tub wall...... get out some agression there!

Ok, back to breathing excercises....

Ok when you stress do some of this or whatever works. For me, I also kept a journal and just typed my heart out..... oh yea, I posted here on MB also. Can U tell!?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok Sharon, I will come back tomorrow and then we will talk about how you will react to his visits. Play act a bit. Teach you to be coy. Look you best, give you some confidence and make him wonder why does his W look sooo good? He may even accuse you of seeing someone on the side. Hey, let him!

L.

Thanks Orchid,
Somehow I knew I could depend on you. And you know what I DO look good (infidelity diet), I really do need to relax I am so keyed up. I know I am letting him control ME. BIG MISTAKE. I am trying, I really do want to make a good impression in 2 weeks. But, WILL HE EVEN CARE? I am so upset that nothing seems to be getting through, although I realize he is actually very early into his A (in a being together sense), I know I need to give it time.

Thanks for bringing a smile to my face, I need that.

I will look forward to your next post. Now I have to go and patch up the hole I beat in the tub wall with that towel LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

One question? Why do you think I am so angry? People are telling me it is part of moving on. I don't want to move on, just forward. Is this a bad sign?

Thanks,
Sharon

Where's Redhat?!?!?! He has a thread in his sig line about the 5 stages of grieving. Anger is one of those stages. You are moving in the right direction. I also prefer to say moving forward instead of moving on. Sounds better, not sure why!?!?!?

I will get back later.

L.

Honey, I know about the anger. I have never felt such rage as I have about the A. However, make a superhuman effort to control it. You won't get what you want out of it.

someone else on MB mentioned this website about the tao of divorce. the url is:
http://www1.shore.net/~tao/
It's about how women can win in divorce using smart sneaky tactics based on ancient Chinese warfare. I know you are hoping for reconciliation-but just in case....

Yes, continue in Plan A. But if you are afraid of being out of control, limit your exposure to him. In a Plan A way. Dress up, breeze out the door with a nice smile- let him take the son to the game- tell him you're sorry but you've been really busy....

When he brings up the subject of divorce- say nicely, "oh I don't want to talk about that right now, it's too depressing. When you file have your lawyer send my lawyer the papers. I think it's best if we leave these conversations to the lawyers." Be pleasant but firmly change the subject, even if you're forced to say something like "How 'bout them Cowboys?" He is definitely bringing up the topic for a reason, either to intimidate you, or to get you to agree and alleviate his guilt, or to talk about it and get comfortable with it with you...

I'm glad you're looking good!! Now remember that, you look good, both on the outside and the inside.
OW probably does not like the fact that WH is getting ready to come visit you, there may be some LBing going on before he leaves, or she may be pathetic also.

Make sure you look good and dress a little sexy, not too much, but more than you have before. Go out and buy you some black lingerie. If you feel like you look good on the outside, it will make you feel better on the outside!

This is what you have been waiting for, hopefully WH will notice all the changes.

Thanks everyone,

I don't know what I'd do without all of you!! I hope I can hold it together. I don't think I have to worry about any D talk while he is here. He seems DETERMINED to have a completely by e-mail divorce. I will look up the links. I especially want to check out the sneaky warfare. I think one of the sources of my anger is him trying to control me, he acts like nothing matters but yet he wants to be sure he gets things his own way. Pretty status-quo in our R. UNTIL NOW!!

I want to look nice when he gets here. I want him to see what he's missing. I just hope he still cares. I really don't think I can compete with Miss 25, but, like wine, women get better with age <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know if I start a new R, I want a MAN, not a boy.

I am willing however to try every trick. Alls fair after all. I am sure she is not playing fair. I don't have ANY idea what is up with them. They are too far away, and he doesn't talk to ANYONE about them. His best friend has given me some info. but he is so disgusted with my H he told me he is never going to speak to him again. Not just because of the A, but because of the way my H has treated him. The fog doesn't just affect us, it touches every relationship my H has.

BTW, should I worry about what mutual friends might say to H about what is going on? A lot of people know, do I worry that he will think I betrayed him by telling people? Unfortunatly I have a lot of friends and I am VERY OPEN about things. Probably TOO OPEN. But I can't change things. Before I found out about MB and had no hope that he would come back I probably spilled the beans to too many people, I was so hurt. I know that is an excuse, but now I am afraid it will come back to haunt me.

Anyway, I think I'll get to bed. I have had a horrible cold and I need some rest. Gotta look GOOD in 2 weeks.

Thanks Orchid, Espoir, Going Crazy, UR the best!!

Sharon

Dont forget the high heels to go with your new outfit, men love them....good luck..A/C0810

I sent WH an email today, tell me what you think?

I am truly sorry for the way i treated you.
I am making changes within myself to be the
kind of wife you need. The best part is that
I like the new person I am becoming, alot
better than the old me, and it feels good.

Short and not really any R talk, anyone agree?..A/C0810...guess i should have made a new post, sorry UTE, i messed up, lol

That's okay A/C,
Sounds good to me. I am glad you like the new you. That is a big trimuph. I think I like the new me too.

I wonder if our WS's like the new them?
Just a thought.

Sharon

Bump, Waiting for Orchid

Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>.......BTW, should I worry about what mutual friends might say to H about what is going on? A lot of people know, do I worry that he will think I betrayed him by telling people? Unfortunatly I have a lot of friends and I am VERY OPEN about things. Probably TOO OPEN. But I can't change things. Before I found out about MB and had no hope that he would come back I probably spilled the beans to too many people, I was so hurt. I know that is an excuse, but now I am afraid it will come back to haunt me.

Anyway, I think I'll get to bed. I have had a horrible cold and I need some rest. Gotta look GOOD in 2 weeks.
</strong>

Sharon,
How are you feeling? Hope you didn't get the '49er' flu...... YUUUUUCKY!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now my dear, what you are waiting for? My response to your question above?

If so, here's my 2 cents: Don't hide or broadcast the truth and even though he will 'try' to blame you for his 'blemishes' it will not stick. Stick to the truth and protect yourself.

If he wonders about his reputation, tell him you are wondering about his reputation too and what is HE going to do about it?!?! If he says, 'stop talking bad about me.' (you know that's babble), respond with: 'I don't need to talk bad about you, you do that quite well all by yourself.' or 'stop giving anyone something bad to say and maybe they just might stop'.

I think you get the picture. You don't have to make excuses or cover up his blunders. See if you can locate Redhat's enabling the A thread. Good stuff there. It is about those recoverying from drugs but many similarities there!!?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Hm...... just makes one think ya know?!?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

I haven't been bad-mouthing him. Just telling the situation to MY friends (sorry I have so many,WH) I can't help it if the truth is BAD. It is the truth. I don't talk about his OW or him really, just the situation.

BTW, I was waiting for you to give me some tips on how to act when he gets here next week. I always appreciate your input and advice. I am a little less mad today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have got to move forward. I think I am finally getting the point of this plan A thing. DUH. It's about ME. DOUBLE DUH. I always have been a little slow.

Our D talk is going south. WH thinks I am being unfair and asking for too much. So I am afraid the weekend will be shot as far as me getting any real chances of anything, besides showing a change in attitude. My lawyer is handling everything, WH is I guess too afraid to talk to me face to face or e-mail to e-mail. I will not get into it with him about the D. I will stand up for myself but I am not going to lower myself to his "poor me, pity me, my life is going to be so hard, I might have to give up a luxury" stance. Even though our life will be a little rough for awhile, I'm not going to B**** and complain about it. Any way Orchid thanks for being there. I hope you can help me with next week, I am really nervous about it, it may be the last time I see him for a long time, and is the first time I've seen him in four months. And the first time since he decided he wanted the D.

Thanks a bunch
Sharon

Sharon,

Ok, let's make you stunning and a reverse babble expert. Then you should be ready for all that flies next week!!!

Hm..... new hair do? Make over? I like Bare Escentuals products. They make this 40+ girl feel younger. Not taller (I wish - LOL!!) but younger. Very very light makeup - 100% minerals. I really love it and I am not a make-up girl!! Move around some furniture, maybe pick out some new pieces. This might let him see that you are moving forward and he may wonder what else you are up to.

Just keep him wondering. While you can't be too happy, let him see your strength. The goal is the more he wonders about you maybe the less he will wander without you. Oh pun! I am stuck here late at work with no dinner and getting quite punchy!!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Next time we will work on your reverse babble techinques. Practice the look of sadness and learn to look in his eyes when conversing with him. Maybe even practice in the mirror.

L.

Thanks Orchid,
If I knew where you worked I'd send over a pizza.
I have been growing out my hair (he likes it long) and bought me some nice tight new jeans and a tight new black shirt to wear to the S's football game. My sister-in-law (yes, his sister) says it would be in bad taste to wiggle my behind in his face and sing "U can't touch this" BTW my in-laws have been real gems to me. Funny since 24 yrs. ago they didn't like me.

Anyway back to the subject. I am just kind of afraid he might try to pull me into some D talk and I don't want that. I really doubt it, in all his visits here he has avoided any meaningful or heavy conversations like the plague. I am dying to hear if he mentions ANYTHING about OW. He NEVER talks about them. I never bring her up or anything but I'm dying to know how everything in HAPPYVILLE is. I guess I'll be able to tell something by how he looks. If he has lost weight and looks happy I will know that they are going strong. He is the type of person who holds everything inside and it shows outside.

Should I act like I still want him back? Or should I just act like I've moved on. I personally think it will KILL him to think that I
have started to move on. I think that deep down inside somewhere he is thinking to himself "she will wait for me, if this doesn't work out she will be there for me" I told him quite a while ago that I still hoped we could start again so I think he still thinks I am in the "cross a burning desert on my stomach to save this marriage" mode. UGH I can't believe I told him that!!!!

Anyway any help you can give will be greatly appreciated. I just thought of something funny. I remind me of "Grasshopper" remember "KUNG FU" the t.v. show, and you great MB "old timers" no offense, I think I'm as old as most, are like that wise, blind monk-guy. Now if I can only grab that pebble out of your hand. Then you can kick me out of the MB monastery and I'll be on my way. Kickin' Butt, in a kind, peaceful, but effective way.

Well thanks I'll be watching for your post. Have a good rest of the week.
Sharon

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

Sharon,

I sure wish you were closer.... pizza sounds good!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am going to the vending machine to get a bag of chips for dinner. Where's Nikko??!?! She's a gourmet chef ..... maybe she can turn that bag of chips into a meal of some sort. he he he!!!!

I vote for you looking good and moving on..... you think it would kill him??? Naw, maybe jump start! Just what he needs a jolt to reality.

Ok, gotta stop for now..... you know how bad my posts can get on an empty stomach!! Imagine the work I am cranking out...... LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Thanks,
Have a good night. MMMMMMM-CHIPS-MMMMMMMMM. You can't eat just one.

Sharon

Hey Sharon,

R U an X CA girl!??!? I'm here stuck in Pleasanton!! U from northern or southern side?!?!?

L.

have you considered counseling with the Harleys before he comes, I know its expensive but they can help you get on track

Yes Orchid,
I was born in Lancaster but grew up in Thousand Oaks. I miss it. Lived there till I went to college for 6 mtns. met H and got married. But I am a deep down surfer girl at heart.

Yes, Going_crazy I have thought about it. But my love bank account is not the only one at -0-. I almost feel like it is too late. Plus it looks like my lawyer costs are going to be higher than I thought. I will really give it some thought though. Is it possible to get an appt. in this short time frame?

I kind of feel like I'm grasping at straws here, in a way I feel like its already over but something keeps my hope alive.

Thanks
Sharon