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Hi G_C,
try to stay calm and leave things the way they are. Books in the bookshelf and the pics on the wall. You are still married, so remember that. Just try to follow the advice that SH gave you and stick to your plan.
You might want to make a few changes in the house, sounds good. I believe that when he comes, he surely does look around and wonder. (he probably even snoops around) Let him notice that your life is going on. Make it mysterious! That's a goody. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just things to really get him thinking. Go to the next travel agency and get a few prospects. Maybe he might start asking "himself" where you are planning to go? Place his mail to a diffferent place. He will have to either really look for it or ask you, where it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Go and get some good pics made of yourself. A pic of you and your pets! One showing you happy and looking "real" gooooood. Put it into a nice frame and place this someplace where it will be noticed.
I wouldn't give him the impression that you are meeting with someone else. Just try to give him the impression that your life is going on "smoothly" and your home is a comfortable and interesting place to come to. I would not leave any "relationship" books lying around. I think this makes him feel uncomfortable. "Asiatic sexual technics" would be more of interest! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Get yourself "fresh flowers". Make your house "smell" good! Make the "aura" of your house positive. This is good for "you" and that what counts. I'm sure you know, there are houses where we love to go to. They make us feel good. They smell good and they are "cheerfull". They make us smile. They are filled with all sorts of things that make us feel happy. Pictures showing smiling faces and............
The next time your H shows up, he too will notice this! Don't expect anything but he will notice.
My H is a quiet guy. I always thought he never noticed these kinda things. I thought he never saw it when I got flowers or decorated the house nicely. I thought he didn't take notice of any of this! He told me that he did! He told me that even though he never said anything, this always had given him "warm feelings". These kinda things made him feel that he was "at home". He loves it when the house smells good and when it's cozy and happy! When he was having his affair, I still always did all sorts of things. I decorated the house, and there were always fresh flowers. The house wasn't quit as "cheery" as it is now again, but it still had something that made him want to come home. When he would come home, he would see this and it made him feel "terrible". This is when he would feel "unfogged". He was able to see the beautiful side of me. This would really confuse him. (I didn't know that he was having an affair at that time)
hugs bb
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Hey GC, how are your Cheerios today? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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BB: I have been trying to keep my house clean but I am definitely a packrat. My house stays fairly clean on the first floor but my second floor has alot of stuff stashed everywhere.
I probably need to tackle all of that "junk"!!
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Just had to write... i do think making your home nice will help. I know mine is not inviting and boy do I need to do something quick. This is due to overwhelming responsibilities and stress and depression.
Do you fold your bed down?
My h always liked that, like in the hotels?
H
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GC,
I think that you should keep the pictures up. You are still married to him. I still have the pictures up in my house even though it has been two years since she left. I think that you should let him come to you about the relationship stuff. If you push the issue to soon then you will only push him away.
Have you had any luck finding an more Hooisers around here?
Indy <small>[ September 30, 2002, 09:47 AM: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</small>
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GC -- I now know that your WH and mine are one in the same. Similar family background -- he's 40 years old and WH is using money from his dad to pay his rent and keep up his lifestyle. Dad does not know this -- the money was in a money market account supposedly to help us out with the remodel of our house. There are no financial consequences for these folks that have family money. My family, on the other hand, doesn't have resources like WHs but would help me out in a pinch.
Keep the wedding photos up in the bedroom. You want to give WH the impression that you've got a life without him (which you do), but not that you've given up on your marriage. My therapist told me not to send signals that I was removing him from my life while I was in plan A -- just that I had a life outside of him. Does that make sense?
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G_C,
I liked the idea that Honey wrote. Fold your bed down and don't forget to lay your "sexy" nighty on the bed! Don't forget to spray a touch of your favorite parfume onto it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Make your bedroom, real "cozy..............
Tackle the JUNK!!!!!!!!! It'll keep you busy and it'll look great!
hugs bb
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan: <strong>Hey GC, how are your Cheerios today? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coffeman: I didn't have any today, I will never remember Cheerios in their original state again!! ( I always heard that comment about Wheaties)
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey: <strong>Do you fold your bed down?
My h always liked that, like in the hotels?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I sew, and made my whole bedroom accessories, valences, drapes, duvet cover (reversible w/ 2 different fabrics), bedskirt, (4) pillow shams, and (4) toss pillows.
My duvet cover I turn down, when I do this is exposes the button closure that I made, then I pull the top sheet over a little bit, then I put all the pillows on the bed.
Plus, got the high count cotton sheets, 100% down comforter and pillows (no feathers sticking out!).
Ahhh, I love my bed, it is so comfy!!! I will email you a pic of my bedroom!
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Indy: I will leave the pictures up!! I havent initated any relationship talk for quite a while even thought he wanted to talk last week, I told him if it was going to be a repeat of our past conversations, I would rather not, he didn't show up.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart: <strong>GC -- I now know that your WH and mine are one in the same. Similar family background -- he's 40 years old and WH is using money from his dad to pay his rent and keep up his lifestyle. Dad does not know this -- the money was in a money market account supposedly to help us out with the remodel of our house. There are no financial consequences for these folks that have family money. My family, on the other hand, doesn't have resources like WHs but would help me out in a pinch.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in the same exact situation!! My family does not have much, they get by, but I haven't asked them for anything. As for our WH's families, I think they are huge enablers of our spouse's behaviour, they will never be brought down to their lowest level and to reality with the family holding a net for them
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by unsureheart: <strong>Keep the wedding photos up in the bedroom. You want to give WH the impression that you've got a life without him (which you do), but not that you've given up on your marriage. My therapist told me not to send signals that I was removing him from my life while I was in plan A -- just that I had a life outside of him. Does that make sense? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yep, it makes perfect sense, and this is very similiar to what Steve told me to do. For example, WH had asked in an email how I was doing, I said I was well, how are you, he said fine. I then said glad you are happy, then WH said he was fine, not necessarily happy.
I asked Steve about this, he said that I should have responsed back to WH with a simple "not well" then change the subject. Steve said that while you don't want them to think you are sitting around crying about them, you should also make sure that you are not perfectly well off without them.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom: <strong>I liked the idea that Honey wrote. Fold your bed down and don't forget to lay your "sexy" nighty on the bed! Don't forget to spray a touch of your favorite parfume onto it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Make your bedroom, real "cozy..............</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my cat would be all over my nighties!!!! I'll keep in the drawer.
However, I did another rotation on my sexy new bras and thongs!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I had them hanging on the drying rack like I had washed them this weekend. I had left the bedroom light on, on purpose. He did come by today because he had to pick up his buddy from the airport (we live 15 min from there). When I got home, the bedroom light was off, hopefully he saw them!!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom: <strong>Tackle the JUNK!!!!!!!!! It'll keep you busy and it'll look great! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do I really have to?? I know, it needs to be done!
also, a little update for today. the friend that he is picking up from the airport is someone he grew up with, his wife is a friend of mine from college, we met at their wedding. I spoke to my friend this weekend, she told me that when her and her husband (wh's friend) spoke to WH last back in July, that he said he was coming home as soon as he got a job. they thought we were working things out.
I did speak to WH on the phone today, I called him because phones were not working in the office today, he said he sent me an email about picking up his friend and they are going out to dinner tonight. Ididn't get the email, he said something must be wrong with his email system. this isn't the first time this has happened, I wonder if he has sent me others I don't get. Maybe the email trapping software saw too many emails to the same person?
anyway, I then asked him if he was going to drive back down to where he has been staying tonight. He said most likely, if not, he will stay with his friend at his hotel. I will have to get details on what happens.
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update, nothing, he is still Plan Bing me!
I spoke to my friend who's husband (WH's childhood friend) came in town for business, she told me that WH did not want to talk about our situation with his friend.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy: <strong> WH did not want to talk about our situation with his friend.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...IMHO, he probably doesn't want the hefty reality check his friend would give him. He figures if he doesn't talk about it then it's all ok, he doesn't have to try and explain his actions and he feels he still looks like a 'great guy' in his friend's eyes. What he seems to forget is that actions sream louder than words!!
He knows what he has done is wrong...he just can't handle anyone telling him so....
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Mgm is right -- the crux of this is that these WH's (at least yours and mine) just cannot handle the reality of they've done. They think if they ignore it, it will just go away.
GC -- I am really sorry that's he's plan Bing you.
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MGM and USH: yea, youre right, he does not want to be told he is doing wrong, he just can't seem to face reality right now. I wish there was some way he could have a true reality check, be brought down to his lowest level, but it hasnt happened.
Since he has been in the affair, he has cut off ties to very good lifelong friends, has lost his job, totalled his car in a wreck (wasn't his fault), but nothing brought him down.
He created "new" fun friends, who won't tell him their opinion, rec'd alot of money from his family while he was out of work (and still does receive money). both of his parents accept OW, so he doesn't get pressure from them.
He thinks he has it made!
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It does seem like he wants fun and not responsibilities, but they eventually start to get their responsibilites coming at them when others don't take care of them. he is not acting like a responsible man .... not trying to be mean, but you know what I mean.
I was discussing my situation at work today with a friend, and telling her, how my ws , would get mad at me for paying too many bills, wanting to fix our credit and etc
We have a fairly small house, and my hope was it was a starter. I did get into it, knowing I could pay it by myself should the situation that I am in arise.. only I thought I would kick him out if he kept up some of his antics , not that he would cheat...
So anyway... ws has mentioned latley... SEE, it is not all about a BIGGER HOUSE>>> and A better life in the future...
kind of wanting me to be miss happy preg and barefoot hippy chick I once was... well... that hippy chick had kids.. and also I did not grow up living in cheap apartment sand broke and did not plan to live my life that way..
wait a minute this is getting therapeutic here?
ANyway.... ws did have big plans for big house and successful life at one time.. he was going to be an attorney.. he was going to buy me a great big house in podge neighborhood... etc. Well, guess what ws, had trouble doing this... I encouraged and hlped him do better.. but when I started at times doing better than hinm.... I got scared he would never shape up, or grow up...
because... he avoided paying bills.. but later crit. how I paid them... refused to sit down with me and pay them.. didn't want to haave a fight.... etc.
Anyway, he gave me a book at kid exchange saturday and sd to read page 97... well page 97 sd something about being happy with what you have in life and not wanting more. I admit I want more out of life than what I have now.. but that does not mean I am unhappy with what I have. I simply have a plan for getting where I want to be and want someone to be on that plan with me.. not knocking me off. I am happy where I am, I just have goals... ie, my ws did not finish college although he prob.went for 5 yrs.. etc. He is not always a finisher.. I usually am. he has knocked me off course a lot lately, and frankly I am tired of it. I love the man, maybe because he brought so much fun to my seriousness.???
Anyway, back to your ws, ... I think.. in a way, what I was trying to say by this little responsibility comparison.. is that ws want no responsibility, they have enablers, and they like it that way... JUST LIKE YOU SD! I hate it, but it is true.
I do hope my in laws get tired of giving him money, and bailing him out., because mommy is not here to do so much right now. Now, maybe my lost child husband will grow up some in this mess. Pray that your inlaws will learn what they are doing by seeing the results of his irresponsible behavior. AH, the sins of the father. I hate it.. and the mother I must add. My ws' mom I only met once.. biolog and she got drunk.. gee where did he get that habit?
I am so tired of this... mess // just got a phone call from a good friend so will go... talk to you later.
WIll be up late tonight if you want to call around 1130 or so.
HONEY
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Hi G_C,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since he has been in the affair, he has cut off ties to very good lifelong friends, has lost his job, totalled his car in a wreck (wasn't his fault), but nothing brought him down.
He created "new" fun friends, who won't tell him their opinion, rec'd alot of money from his family while he was out of work (and still does receive money). both of his parents accept OW, so he doesn't get pressure from them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I read this, it got me thinking. I remember once while I was watching a movie about a couple that was separated. The man was living with his lover and "needed" someone to talk to once in awhile. He needed someone to discuss the problems he was having with his "lover" and life. The problems he was having with his lover differed so much from the problems he had with his wife. They made the problems that he had with his wife seem ridiculous.
So he was once talking to himself and he said: Gosh, what am I to do? My "lover" is telling me to forget my past and move on and I have no one to share my past with.........
This man would see his "wife" once in awhile (he too tryed to avoid contact as OW was pressuring him) and when he saw his wife, she reacted kind and soft-hearted. She was understanding and just beautiful. It confused this man completely. He would go back to his lover and try to forget and move on.
The cycle went on and on. He had no finacial problems but he longed to have his "old life" back and he longed to share these things. He felt lonely and very insecure. He had unconnected himself from his past and he tryed to just forget and move on.
His wife went on with her life. She concentrated on herself. She became "emotionally" satified with her life and still she didn't "give up".
On the other side the H and the OW went on with their life. Their life became "routine" and the problems that all partners experience became a part of their world. But it just wasn't complete. Nothing was completed in their world. He wasn't divorced and OW wasn't married to him. He was just not able to make the last step, deep inside he just couldn't. The last step just hadn't been made. It was always a back and forth.
The film pointed out for me that if someone is truely convinced that he is doing the "right thing" he will do it.
The fact that your H is avoiding you has nothing to do with you. (hope that makes sence) It is about him and the fight he is having deep inside of himself. He probably feels very connected when he sees you and he wants to avoid that. It confuses him completely. He doesn't want to feel that. He feels pain and he probably misses this part of his life. This is a "fight" he will have to work out on his own.
Stick to your plan and go on with your life. You cannot change what is happening, you can only get him thinking.
Believe me, everyone has their "sad moments" even your H. It might seem to you that nothing has "brought him down" but I would say his actions are telling a different story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Even the fact that he doesn't want to talk with an old friend about his situation, shows how unsecure he feels. As I once said, he probably feels like a "weak idiot".
Imagine how "lonely" your H must feel in such a situation. He has an old friend and he ashamed to talk. He's afraid to get "blasted" because deep inside he knows he's not doing the right thing.
hugs bb
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Hi, I love Blond Blossom's response. I love it, they are not doing the right thing.
I love that if they are convinced they are doing the right thing, they will go ahead and do it!, wonderful.
H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ang in there and take care of you and develop your life without him and don't give it. WISDOM.
Hugs, H
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thanks Honey & Blondblossom!!
Blondblossom: WH has told me many times that "he misses his old life" but yet does not think he can go back. Also, Steve did tell me that WH is avoiding me because of his feelings, just exactly like you said, he is trying to forget me and move on.
It has been 5 weeks since I have seen him face to face, and its killing me. But if I do, I will be as kind and gentle as possible, no pressure, no R talk, right?
I hope OW is really starting to LB him
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GC, When my FWS and I were seperated, it appeared to me that she had it made and would never come back. She had the financial support from me, over 2,0000 a month from me(child support and alimony) a nice apartment in a nice neighborhood,no bills except food and housing, car was paid for, she had the chidren from 7am to 6 pm every work day and every other weekend, about as much as she wanted to see them at the time,OM everynight, every other weekend her and OM would do something. She always seemed very happy to me, I could see no reason for her to every come home.
In reality, things were not that good, she said that she cried herself to sleep every night, missed her old life, her old friends, her house, her children, the comfort of what was familiar to her and eventually she missed me. ( I had no clue this was what was going on, I was the last one she was going to show this to)
My point is that you really don't know what is going through his head, my guess is he is probably torn inside and has a hard time dealing with himself, avoiding you avoids his own conflict. Eventually he will have to face his own deamons and deal with this if he ever wants to have any piece of mind.
Hang in there, stay stong and keep working on YOU, work on the things that you can control and let go of the things that are out of your control. Take care, Dave
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G_C, just wanted to ask you something. Does your H still have all of his stuff at your house??? You had said that he had brought back all of his things from OW house, is it still at your home?
I hope you are having a nice day. Today it's a holiday here, but I just had to take a peek into here to see how everything is going. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
take care and hugs bb
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