All that just posted...thank you. As I finally move out of my foxhole and move forward, it is support like this that is giving me the strength to move into the unknown.

I am now a full 3 days into a full blown Plan B and for the first time since this all started, I feel strong again. In control of my situation. I know now that from now on, what happens will happen on my timetable, my agenda, in my way. I will choose date, time and type of engagement. I will choose whether to have her corrosive behavior and attitude enter my household. From now on...I choose.

An interesting development yesterday, although not sure if any movement was made. just interesting. You see, I left WW's apartment Sunday night after she told me she was back fully with OM with the resolve to go fully to Plan B, set-up completely the divorce paperwork, and start moving forward. On Monday, I scheduled an apointment for yesterday with my attorney. Monday night was the first appointment with the family counselor for me and the kids. It went pretty well. Well, Monday night, my WW tried to call 4 times on my cell and home phone. I did not answer. As a matter of fact...a friend of mine is keeping me honest by betting me daily $1 that I dont go 24 hours without talking to her (exception is for if something happens to kids or to leave messages about kids...what time to pick up, etc...but no direct phone calls or talks unless it is an emergency). Well, I made the first 24 hours and am $1 richer. Yesterday, during the day, she tried to call me another 5 times. Still I didnt answer. I wanted that dollar.

Yesterday, I went to the kids school and met with the counselor. My wife had already talked to them previously and I wanted to make sure she hadnt poisoned the waters and they got the full story. Also, I wanted to check on how my kids were doing. The counselor said they were doing surprisingly well. That the kids seemed to be protected by me and that from what they gathered, I was doing a pretty good job with their homelife. That felt good to hear, both that they are doing well there and that my kids really feel good about being with me and the job I'm doing. I have tried to maintain the same household, rules and standards as my wife and I did. It seems to be working.

So, last night, the WW shows up at my son's baseball game that I coach. I ignored her completely, concentrating on the fact that my 10 year old son was in the process of pitching a no hitter (I am so proud of him...especially with everything he is going through!). When the game was over, I got the kids and started heading to my car. I was walking across the field when I heard the wife behind me, calling my name, asking me to stop. I looked back at her, about 25 yeards behind me, and just turned around and kept walking. (Oh...back track...our mutual friend called me right before the game and said my WW had called and wanted to know why I wasnt answering the phone). I guess she picked up the pace because right before I left the gate on the field, she had caught up to me. She grabbed my shoulder and asked what my problem was (some nerve, huh?). I asked "What do you want?" She said she wanted to say that she not only was appreciative of me going to the school (she had gone there after I had...neither of us had known the other was going) and for taking them to the counselor Monday night. She also said she was surprisingly impressed by what the school counselors had said about what our kids had said about their homelife (wow...no talking bad about mommy, no McDonalds every night...no late night parties...no girlfriends over for daddy...guess I might not be all the bad things she has invented for me). I told her "You know what...I dont really care what you are appreciative of." And I began walking away again.

She grabbed me again and said that she had left a message at the house, wanting to take my 4 year old last night and all day today. I said "Sure...he's your son. Come by the house right now and I'll give you a change of clothes." Then I told her "Look...I do not want to talk to you...ever! The next words I want to hear from you are a message on my machine that says 'I want to talk about us...the OM is gone.' And until then, we will never talk again. leave messages on my phone. I will call back with the answer, if it pertains to the kids. Do not answer the phone when I call back, otherwise, I will hang up." She was shocked. I then did something stupid and called her a name and turned away. I was getting out of there before she baited me into an argument.

I started to walk away again, and she said to me "Is this what your counselors tell you to do? level insults at me? dont talk to me?" I told her that no, the insult was unfortunate, but that yes, the counselors have told me it is time to turn from this marriage and concentrate on saving me and the kids.

It was at this point she asked for us to sit down and talk. Our mutual friend was there (her son plays on my son's team and her husband is one of my coaches), so she took the kids and had them play in another part of the ball park while we talked. I let her talk.

I'm not going to go into every detail but the talk lasted 45 minutes. She had told me Sunday night that she was back intimately with the OM. Last night, she says it isnt true. But she said what is true is that she feels very unsafe with me. With all of the financial problems before I left with Bosnia, with the anger I have toward her and OM (I now only have angertoward OM), and with me flailing around the last 6 months as I tried to get her back, she said she is scared of coming back to an environment that she cannot feel safe in. She said that is what the OM provided. That is how he got in.

I told her straight out that things have changed. I have never been violent toward her. In 9 years of marriage, I have never touched her or raised my voice to her until this. Her physical abuse of me since I got home is the main cause of what happened last month. I take full responsibility for the accident, but I do know that I never intended to hurt her...just to escort herout of my house and away from the kids and at the same time, physically protect myself from another assault by her. I told her last night that our problems are gone now. financially I am back on top. I said if we were together, we would be making ends meet all over the place, so her fear of the financial situation going south is unfounded. I told her I am retiring from the military so no more deployments. I told her that with all of the pressures off of me, plus what I have learned over the last year because of this mess, I will never be for her or my next wife what I was before. I will never again be so consumed with problems or trying to fix them that I ignore what is important.

In short, I told her that her fear is unfounded. But it is her feelings. I said if she would check her head, she would know the real me. but hse has let her feelings drive her since this all began. And since her feelings are so out of whack with reality, then of course she would feel safer talking and being with the OM, who can just sit there and listen in his nice quiet home. But I told her reality is about to hit her. If she isnt fully with him, if he is just being a "friend" then she will soon have to make him get off the dime because I am moving on. And he will have to meet ALL of her needs, not just be a nice listening post. He will have to try to find some way to improve in the bedroom because my WW definitely has higher standards and has even told me as much. He will have to be able to overlook the fact that even though she will be making more money than him, he will want to take charge of it and he is a penny pincher, while my wife cant stop shopping. He will LB like crazy there. They will both have to put up with the faults they were able to hide, mask or just ignore. And ultimately, the [censored] will have to deal with me. She will come back crying in his arms when I seek full custody. She will want support as we continue to fight through life (as all experts say…divorce doesn't end the conflict, it just makes it permanent). He will grow excessively tired of hearing my name and trying to sooth her feelings over because she is upset about me.

Anyway, I stood up after awhile, told her that the things I do from now on do not mean I have stopped loving her or that I don't want our family back together. It is me taking charge of my life, and of my kids' lives. She is now on her own. I told her not to call me, except under the terms I stated above, until she is serious about us again and serious about being a Christian woman again.

We left the ball field after that, but on the way out, she went over to our mutual friend (who kind of counsels me on a daily basis) and told her that my WW wants to come by to today and talk. Guess what that is going to be about. Oh, my WW stated that she cried all day yesterday. At first, she said she cried because she was afraid that when she called, we were just going into another fight again. Then she said, when I didn't answer my phones, she cried because I would not talk to her.

We went over to my house, with me stopping for milk. Since she moved out, I have given her a dozen roses every week to remind her that I love her and want her home. Well, when I got to my house, I got out and handed her the roses and began walking inside to get my sons clothes so he could go with her. She yelled after me "You're crazy!" I turned and told her "No…just in love." I went inside, packed my 4 year old, loaded him up inside my wife's car and as I got out and shut the door, I turned and she was right in my face. She said some things about my new haircut (I had been growing it out because she had wanted me to…but I said screw that yesterday and got my regular cut…she said she really like it). She got right in my face, with those eyes that were saying that I was going to blow Plan B completely if I did not get the hell out of there. She reached up and hugged me, and then kissed me. Damnit!!!! She then backed up and looked at me.

Ladies and gentlemen…I have arrived. While it felt good and every fiber in my body wanting to pursue her, I held fast. I told her "I love you. I miss you. I want to kiss and hold you like that forever. But you know the situation now. No contact from now on. We are not talking. You know how to change it. That will be the ONLY way I will allow anymore contact. For now, know that I love you but I am taking care of us now." And I walked inside.

And you know what? I feel GREAT! Damn, that was powerful. What a rush. For the first time in a year, I had a say in my life. And she had to just take it. I can definitely do this now.

Anyway, anyone want to chime in and prognosticate on my wife's attitude/feelings, I am all ears. Or if there is something I should have done, definitely tell me. But there is a communications blackout with her and me. Now, she'll see how much he REALLY is there.

Mortarman still on the move and taking no prisoners. Morale with the troops (me and the kids) has improved significantly since starting this new operation. My first engagement with the enemy was an overwhelming success. I know there will be setbacks to come, but even with those, by moving forward, I will be able to roll with the punches. I am no longer a sitting duck, but now a moving target. I also am not waiting to be fired upon (abused). From now on, the WW and OM get the full weight of my efforts should they cross me or the kids (again folks...using military metaphor to describe my Plan B efforts and getting my act together...please do not think this is meant to suggest violent acts!!! I have to keep disclaiming this because someone out there is gonna take this stuff the wrong way!).

As I see it, the Commanding General (God) is handling the effort against the WW and OM. I am steering clear of that engagement area, allowing him to blast them into submission. But, through this, should they try to engage me, and by extension my kids, they will find that justice will be swift and painful (again...see disclaimer above).

Mortarman has the plan, knows the mission and is executing.

Out.

<small>[ October 02, 2002, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

MM:

Well, except for a couple of LB during the convo with your W, I think you did great. You were honest and you laid all the cards on the table for her 2 see for herself where you stand and what she has 2 do.

As 2 2nd guessing what your W is thinking? Who cares? She's behaving quite predictably, but she isn't behaving rationally, and so there's no figuring out what she's thinking. You've got one confused woman there. I'd bet that her A won't last long after this. But do what the experts advise - give it time. She not only has 2 experience reality, she has 2 come out of it with her marbles in some semblance of order before you can begin 2 recover your M, if you are interested when the time comes.

I think you're doing well, considering the si2ation you've found yourself in... ...again!

all my best,

I called your W a few names .... and the OM too.

Not too nice I might add. Let's just say it involved OM needing a magnifying glass to look BIG to himself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Better edited out. Sometimes I should change my nic to Pepperspray <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

MM,

You "done good" man. It sounds as if you were honest, forthright, and yes even caring in explaining your plans. If she doesn't know you love her, there is no hope. I suspect you won't hear too much from here for awhile. ( It would be unseemly to admit to making a major mistake and dropping the OM immediately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Your W has some serious issues and you cannot do much about them. As 2L said, she sort of has to get her stuff formed up and heading in the right direction before much positive can happen. But what you can control and seem to be doing a good job is the kids and yourself. I know it felt good to hear from the school that the kids were doing well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All I can say is keep moving along your path. It will make ending things easier, but it will also make it easier for your W to find you if she decides to come back. You will be where she expects you to be; marching down the path of life with your children.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I see it, the Commanding General (God) is handling the effort against the WW and OM. I am steering clear of that engagement area, allowing him to blast them into submission. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mortarman, your strength is helping me so very much with my situation! Thanks!

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-41
WH-43
DS-11 months
Status: One Day at a Time.

Bravo! I can't say enough! You did great. You give us all strength with your fortitude. This is the best we've heard from you in a long time. She is throwing away happiness with both hands. That took real determination to stay strong. (I am stunned that she thinks she can still play you...nice hair cut, kiss, hug...she is bold...I seem to remember these tactics earlier) Everytime you tried to maintain distance she seems to try infuse herself in some drama queen, movie of the week way! I am glad you set her straight. I know I am not doing all the MB analyzation of what it all means but the woman sounds like a bit of a princess to me...you raise her children, you pay for her unnecessary surgery, you maintain sanity, you bring her roses weekly (AAAHHH!!!), while she moves out into a way too expensive place (that you foot the bill for), she plays the have her cake and eat it too game (i.e. the plethera of unnecessary phone calls), and then has the nerve to think "I can bat my eyelashes and he'll jump right back in line" PU-LEES!!

What a soldier!! Way to go!!

continuing prayers,

ayslyne

good! protect yourself, and the kids. look after yourself. dont let yourself being manipualted to death. you laid your cards on the table, stated your conditions. she may take it (which would be the best outcome) or leave it (which would still be better than prolonging the agony). Well done.

Thanks for the encouragement guys & gals! It keeps me moving. And for those that are finding encouragement from my actions, I can only say that my strength is coming from God...I ran out a long time ago. So give the glory to Him. If my wife and I make it, it will because of His doing.

Anyway, a short update and a question. I called my wife's cell phone to find out when my son would be back. She answered and I told her "I thought I told you not to answer the phone when I called." She asked if I wanted her to hang up...I told her yes. I called back and left the message wanting her to leave a message on when my son would be home.

My wife brought back my youngest son later on. When she came to the door, I took my son's blanket, pillow and bag and threw it in the door and told my son to go on in and play (we had friends over with their kids). I then grabbed my wife's cat that I was watching when things were going well and she was stuck in her honors class three weeks ago and couldnt be home much. I grabbed the cat and all its belongings and headed to my wife's car with it and put it in (without a word). I headed back toward the house and my wife asked if she could see the other two kids. I said I would send them out. So I did and they spent about 10 minutes with her out on the front walk.

I went upstairs and peeked out my son's window. Everybody...even with everything that my WW has done to me and is doing to me and those kids, when I saw her face with those kids, having to visit them for 10 minutes out in front of their house, I was devastated. The mother of my kids, who had been such a great mother and wife, now reduced to a quick talk with her children on the front stoop. I watched as she kissed them and sent them back inside. She watched them as they went in the door and waited a second, and then turned and walked away.

But, it was the look on her face that got me. Such pain! I know she is in a very bad place. I know she has chosen to be there. But, I also still love her both as my wife and the mother of my kids. That is a face I have never seen out of her, nor ever want to see again. After the kids went to bed, I cried myself to sleep.

I also, last night, came across a diary that my daughter is keeping. I know, I know...it's private. But I wanted to know how she is doing so I took a look. My heart was broken a second time. The things she said about her mother, her role model, were just heart wrenching. she called her mom stupid for going with OM and not being home with me and them. She talked about that there are three in our marriage (God, me and WW) while there are only two in her relationship with OM (her and OM...no God). She has such a grasp on the reality of the whole situation. She stated she had "loved" her mother since she was born. But cannot understand why she is doing what she is doing.

I am devastated again by what I read. My wife and I painstakingly set up a christian household, based on the Scriptures. We have taught right and wrong based on the Bible. We have talked about love, marriage, fidelity, how god hates divorce, about forgiveness. And my daughter now questions all of that because her role model has thrown all of that out the window. while I think I am still maintaining a good role model for my sons, my daughter now has no one to look upto. No one to guide her in life and in spiritual ways. With my wife with the OM and/or leaving me, my daughter will look at anything she says as hypocritical. She has talked about Mom lying to her. About how she has hurt her Dad. About her family and why her Mom wants to leave it.

My daughter knows my wife loves her. And she knows that my wife is not going to completely abandon her. But my daughter does not understand that the truthes that my wife told her and has shown her for her entire life, are now not truthes to her mother...just standards to toy with and turn around when it suits her.

I cannot be a woman to my daughter. While my wife was the best role model any man would want for his daughter before, I dont want my daughter learning anything from her now. Where will I find a role model to show my daughter again what is truth and what is right and wrong? How do I tell her that the truthes still stand, even though her mother has abandoned them? Oh sure, my WW will try to pick them back up once she is divorced and remarried, and then she'll say "look..I made a mistake...but now I will be the good Christian wife and mother again." But my daughter will know better. She intuitively knows due to our years of teaching her that the only way back for my wife to be that good Christian woman, wife and mother in my daughter's eyes would be to come home and put her marriage back together. I can no longer defend the indefensible. My daughter will just have to understand that her mother is wrong, has been wrong and is lost. And I will have to find some way to show her what a real woman, wife and mother should be like...someone like my wife used to be (and could be again, if she would just wake up).

The question I have (besides anyone that wants to comment on the events above...my wife and her pain...my daughter) is that my wife's birthday is Saturday. Originally, I had planned to take her to New York and see ground Zero, etc (I have to go to a wedding this weekend up there). Well, since this has all happened, as well as her working this weekend, that is off. But, my WW is going out after work on Saturday with "friends" (I am sure OM will be a part of that).

My question is this...my WW has never let me live down the first mother's day that I missed. birthdays, mothers days, Christmases...all are very important to her. Since I am no longer communicating, but still wanting reconciliation down the line...do I buy her anything? Send a card? Do nothing? let OM get all the glory for the weekend? What about my kids? they wont get to see her for her birthday. Do I get them to make something for her (I'm not going to spend money on her...unless I am also buying her something)? I know I should get the kids to do something for her (after all...it is their mother), but since she has chosen to spend her birthday night after work with "friends" instead of them (they will be at a babysitter), part of me doesnt even want to bring it up with the kids.

So, what do you think about yesterday, my daughter and my WW's birthday? I am still maintaining my no contact. Just starting to feel bad a little for her because I got a little look in her eyes at what pain and hurt is headed her way due to the consequences of her actions. I wish I could protect her from the OM and all of this. But I cannot. I am now guarding my family like a pitbull (me, kids) and will include her if she ever wakes up.

Mortarman still moving.

Out.

MM:

Your W is starting 2 see some of the consequences of her behavior. This is GOOD, though it probably will be painful 2 watch.

"My question is this...my WW has never let me live down the first mother's day that I missed. birthdays, mothers days, Christmases...all are very important to her. Since I am no longer communicating, but still wanting reconciliation down the line...do I buy her anything? Send a card? Do nothing? let OM get all the glory for the weekend? "

My opinion? Do nothing. But you aren't so much "letting OM get the glory" as forcing him 2 make her happy on her birthday. Will he be able 2? Think about it. Not likely!!!

You are a kind and thoughtful man. You love your kids so much that I have no doubt that you will be the best father you can possibly be 2 all your kids, including your daughter. This horrible si2ation will not last. One way or the other, you will be able 2 go on and raise your kids in a loving environment.

My hat is off 2 you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My question is this...my WW has never let me live down the first mother's day that I missed. birthdays, mothers days, Christmases...all are very important to her. Since I am no longer communicating, but still wanting reconciliation down the line...do I buy her anything? Send a card? Do nothing? let OM get all the glory for the weekend? What about my kids? they wont get to see her for her birthday. Do I get them to make something for her (I'm not going to spend money on her...unless I am also buying her something)? I know I should get the kids to do something for her (after all...it is their mother), but since she has chosen to spend her birthday night after work with "friends" instead of them (they will be at a babysitter), part of me doesnt even want to bring it up with the kids.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unless your kids bring up the subject of their mother's bd, I wouldn't bring it up. Bringing it up might even cause more pain for them because they will be reminded that their mother won't be home to celebrate it with them and with you.

As much as you still love her, she is now getting tough love from you and she'll now have to depend on OM for all her EN's. Reality is now something she will not be able to run away from.

Stay strong for you and your loved ones (this includes WW too).

MM,

In reading your saga I want you to know I can feel the pain and the doubt. Sorry it had to come to this.

A note, She may be at a point of giving up. Feeling like there is no way back, she's on the edge. While being in NC, which you can't really do because of the kids, try not to appear vindictive or hurtful, you may feel your just being strong or tough. During all contact with her, still plan A.
The birthday thing, IMHO, the kids should do something, if they bring it up and only if they want to, a hand made card or something to show that there is still hope for her to be wanted by and with the family. And that the kids are not being set against her. This can be a thin line.

I agree with 2long, she is feeling the consequences of her decision.

Now is the go slow time....you have a good handle on things, stay focused. Cry when you need to, it helps (ask me how I know)

Good luck, DRS

<small>[ October 03, 2002, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: DesertReStart ]</small>

Hi Mortarman,

I cannot really add to what the others said. Right now, you are in Plan B, which is about protecting yourself and the kids. She need to feel the full effects of her actions. She is starting to.

From your other posts, it looks like the Plan B is getting to her. She wants the freedom of single life, but she wants her family too. She gets nervous when you hold back, so she has to make the advances to reassure herself you are there. Now that you have not responded, except with telling her honestly how you feel and where you are at, she knows that she is losing, so to speak. Before, she had the best of both worlds. You and OM. Now, she only has OM. Stay strong. Make her commit back to you and the kids before taking her back. You and the kids need this commitment from her. She will not only have to repair her R with you, but she will have to repair her R with your D.

I'm glad your resolve to stay strong is having a positive effect on the kids. They need this.

Take care and God bless.

Although my parents are still married the role model who has meant more to me in my entire life is my father. My mother is a drama queen. She has packed her bags and threatened to leave (actually has left) more times than I can count...not because of another man but because she was raised in a household where fighting was the only form of communication. She loved to pick a fight.
My father was the paragon of strength. He too was a military man. The important thing to me was my father gave me security. He couldnt stop my mother from her tirades but he never waivered. Life had certain rules. You follow those rules or you are not a part of this family. No hatred, no tantrums, just facts. He never played into her drama. He, too me, represents what is expected from a married parent. Just because he was male didnt mean he couldnt be the perfect role model. He loves my mother dearly, even when she is at her worst but he never waivers from what he knows is right. Dont underestimate the bond between father and daughter. You know your daughter is highly intelligent. As you said she has a grasp on reality...she has been let down but it wont destroy her because she has you and God. And the fact that she is well aware of that illustrates what a profound affect you have had on her thus far.

About the birthday, that is a tough one. On the one hand your wife doesnt really deserve any birthday hoopla. On the other hand the children need to know that it is ok to love her even though she makes mistakes. Ofcourse they do love her...that doesnt mean anyone should accept her actions. Do your children normally remember such dates on their own? I know you dont want to rub salt in their wounds by inadvertently pointing out the fact that their mother will be involved with her own celebration on her bday rather than spend it with them. And you dont want them to ignore her birthday because they fear hurting you. Children tend to become very protective, you have been there for them through all of this, they may attempt to protect you by not bringing it up to you. Maybe you could have a general talk with them. Not mentioning any particular dates but just letting them know that as the holidays approach you want to let them know that whatever they feel comfortable doing for their mother is acceptable to you...whether that is a present or nothing at all. This way they can express themselves without feeling guilty or sad about it. So whether it is Christmas, birthday, arbor day, whatever they know they can come to you if need be.

As for a gift from you...I think you should continue your plan b wake up call. The OM is whatever she makes him out to be in her own fantasy world. You are doing all the right things and it still doesnt make him look bad to her...because she is not being rational. You have to be. You are in reality she is not. I see nothing wrong with letting her know that you realize it is her birthday but also telling her that you will not be celebrating that fact as a husband since you have been forced out of that role by her. Whatever you do she will make whatever she wants out of it. The fog has a way of distorting everything.

continuing prayers,

ayslyne

All,

Thank you for the words of support. Again, I have to say that they are a big reason why I am able to keep moving on in this battle. Ayslyne...thanks for that about my daughter. The funny thing (not really funny) about all of this is that I think my daughter and I are becoming closer than we ever would have if this had not happened. I have come to understand more about her in the last 6 months than I ever did in the previous 8 years. I will continue to try to be that role model you talked about. My concern has been that for 8 years, what it meant to be a wife, a Christian woman, a mother, etc. to my daughter was all wrapped up in an incredible woman that was my wife. Now, all my daughter sees is a mess. And she is confused. I cannot help show her how to be a good wife or mother. Or a good woman. Just like my wife could never teach my sons how to be a man. The reason is that I believe that children learn more from watching than any conversation, book, etc. My sons will turn out a lot like me, and not because of the things I have said...but by my actions. by what I do on a day-to-day basis. My daughter's maturity, love, etc I think is directly proportional to the great example her mother showed her for the first 7 1/2 years of her life. But now what? But what will she learn now? She will believe that the value of her father has been greatly reduced. I mean, if her mother would reject him, then maybe there is something wrong with him. Maybe he is not what I thought he was. Maybe this other man is the better man than my father. I fight everyday with all three of my kids to try to regain my stature in their eyes. I am trying to show them that it is not that Dad is less than what they thought, but that their Mom has lost sight of who their Dad really is, and how much he is really worth to their mother. That the problem is not how much dad is worth to Mom, but that Mom is willing to throw away a diamond for costume jewelry. Just because she threw away the diamond, does not change its worth. And just because she chooses costume jewelry, doesnt make it worth more than the diamond. It is just this...a bad decision.

So again, thanks for the words. I just am not sure how I will provide the example of a wife, mother and Christian woman that my daughter deserves and that my wife used to provide.

An update....

I went to NY for my brother's wedding. While gone, my wife's birthday was on Saturday. Well, it seems that while my kids stayed with friends (I dropped them off and picked them up), my wife had at least several hours in her apartment Saturday evening with the OM (and the lights went out for at least 2 hours) before going to a party with some girlfriends. Sunday, I came back, knowing what happened because I had people there that kept an eye on her, suspecting she and him would show back up there. I now have all the evidence needed for court.

Sunday, I picked up the kids when I got back and we had baseball. Last night, I had the best night I have had in months because me and the kids just ate dinner in front of the TV, sat around and had ice cream and then went to bed. It was nice to have the family just sitting around, being together. But you could tell with me, and with the kids, that there was something missing. While it was great, there was still a whole in the room.

After putting the kids to bed, I was just falling asleep when the phone rang. I know, I know. I wasnt supposed to answer it. But I was half asleep and just picked it up. It was my WW, first wanting to know if she could see the kids on Monday evening. After working out the deal with that, she began to go into the weekend, telling me that her birthday was terrible. She said even her mother never called her (her mom is done with her because of what she is doing to the kids). I told her that I knew the OM was there on Saturday night, that I was very upset that she couldnt spen any time with the kids or even call them on her birthday. She told me she thought they had gone to NY with me. I had told her earlier in the week that they werent going. Is this part of the problem with WSs...selective memory?

Anyway, she said OM brought her a present, a cake and sat and talked for a few hours. I said "with the lights off?" I left it at that though. She said that he was the only friend she had, the only friend who did anything really for her birthday. I told her it was because she had pushed all her friends and family away (especially me) in favor of the OM. So, if she had a bad birthday, it was because she made the decisions that led to it. I told her that although I wanted to be there for her, that I cant and will not until she makes the decision to return. That if she values the OM over me, and over our family, then I will no longer be there for her, even though I want to be. Let him be there. I wonder why he was there for her and she still had a bad birthday? HHmmm.

Anyway, she said she had been crying most of Sunday. She had been looking at this collage I had given her weeks ago that is now on her wall. It is full of pictures of our life together. I told her that it was her choice that we are where we are at. It is her choice where we go from here. She said she talked with OM Sunday for two hours about me. But she wouldnt tell me what about. When I pressed her on any issue, she would get defensive, saying nothing has changed, that she just called about the kids, etc. Then I would tell her "fine, then I'll go." In which she would get angry and say that everytime things get tough now, that I just want to hang up or go. AAHHHH...she sees more than I had given her credit for.

Anyway, no contact got blown yesterday. I am absolutely sick about her and OM on Saturday. But, although all of this upsets me, my mission is still clear. Mortarman is still on the move, still taking no prisoners. it was a rough weekend....but getting home to the kids and the evening we had last night meant all of the world to me.

Mortarman holding his own. Still not sure where I am going.

Out.

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 09:54 AM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

MM:

Don't beat yourself up over picking up the phone, or anything you said 2 your W for that matter. Remember, these plans are intended 2 be customized for our particular si2ations, and yours is certainly particular! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't think you said anything that would undermine the effectiveness of your plan B. At worst, you just reminded yourself of how much you love your W and how much this hurts you, by hearing about OM spending time with her on Sa2rday. Her world is still in the process of imploding on itself, and it's no fun watching that, but at least you know and made it clear that it's up 2 her 2 do something about it. And she knows what that is.

You're going 2 make it, MM.

Mortarman- You know I feel for you - you are definately in a crappy situation kind of like the rest of us - but I believe that your daughter will be ok - they will figure out that you are the one that has stayed with them and that their mother is the one that was selfish and left -- I know they seem young but they probably know more about your situation then they are letting on... I don't think you need to worry about female role models for your daughter she will have teachers - friends mothers - You have to have some confidence in your parenting skills... They were definately dealt a bum deal from your wife - but that is not your fault - just as my girls were dealt a bum rap from their Dad - but I truly believe in the long run - the WS are the ones that are going to loose.... Keep your spirits up !!!!

I Mortar,
I don't have anything to say or add to what has been said, except, hang in there and I agree with 2Long and MAW

It will get better

I am the director of religous education at my church grades k-12. One thing I have learned from kids is that they are so smart. They see the truth more clearly than adults. Their minds are less clouded. The thing that I realize and try to impart to the kids is that every situation has a lesson. Your children are/were lucky that they had the parents that they had for as long as they did. Some children never have that. God knows better than we what we can handle. It is clear to me that God has given your daughter gifts to help her through this difficult period...she is more mature about her feelings, she has a clear sense of right and wrong, and even though it is painful to watch, she has a healthy sense of mourning what is going on in her life now. She is already clear on what a good wife and mother should be/do...her thoughts about when her mother is with the OM God is absent from her life. Your job now is to continue to foster the gifts she already has...along with your sons. Everyone in moments of dispair question the events causing them pain...she does and she will. But the beauty of this wonderful child has already manifest itself. She inately knows the truth...that without the truth....without God you have nothing. She knows these truths...they are a part of her just as the example your wife once was is a part of her. These are Gods gifts to her and she will continue to be blessed because she knows that, she lives that.
Your concerns for her are valid but this mutually thriving bond you and she are nurturing will endure all. The bond between father and daughter is very important. It is this bond that finally pushed me towards demanding peace in my own life. I accepted too much abuse because I thought forgiveness was enough...my father was a forgiving man but what I learned was he was just man. He can forgive anything, he could accept you back into his family as long as you lived accordingly. And he was strong enough to follow through. Initially I was not, but because of him and God, I am now.
I understand as I am a mother that any pain, any trial I can remove from my daughters life I would do it. I would give my life, my happiness for her. It is a burden we take on as parents. Know that God provides us with what we need...it just isnt always what we want. She has what she needs even if it is what no one wants...a strong man for a father who is determined to foster a loving family even if it is on his own. When God is knows it is time you will have a wife again and it may be their mother, it may not be. But whenever and whomever that is you, your daughter, your sons, and you wife will all be ready.

And Christ said to the disciples "...Let the children come to me..."

Let the miracle of your children be a constant joy to you in your darkest times.

continuing prayers

aislinn

just reiterating the prayers...hoping all is the best it can be right now

ayslyne