Elad -- Thank your honesty and perspective. I really value your opinion. One thing I wonder is whether I am partly hanging on to hope for this relationship because I am afraid to be divorced or to be alone. I know that may be part of it, but do believe that I also still love my husband. One question I have (not necessarily for you), is whether it is easier for the WS to not think about the reality of the situation or have these fears because they already have someone waiting in the wings.

In your first M, did you file for divorce? Was it acrimonious? I don't want it to be, but if WH runs around blaming me for the dissolution of our marriage I am not sure I am a big enough person to say nothing in response. I struggle every day and try not to have vindictive thoughts about OW or WH. It troubles me that I even have them.

My personal and professional life are so intertwined that I have difficultly imagining how I will go on if we get divorced.

I am so scared and feel so alone.

oops/double post

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: unsureheart ]</small>

unsureheart- I don't actually know if my WW filed for divorce. I do know for sure that she spoke with an attorney and paid them $165. I also know the name of the firm. Other than that I do not know any more info. as I haven't spoken with my WW.

As for your advice "it ain't over till it's over" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I was thinking you needed to hear that when I read your recent posts.

Sorry to hear about the even more recent divorce stuff. This may be just talk. Or maybe he will talk to an attorney but not follow through. Anything could happen. As you said, look at actions not words.

As for your Plan B, is it (or isn't it) supposed to be no contact?

Did you choose to go to Plan B because of the pain (i.e. so you would not LB your H any longer as well as not have your love disappear completely?) Is contacting him or leaving messages for him a possible LB for him (in the way you've said things) even though you might not have meant it that way?

I'm just playing devil's advocate. I still think you've done a great job and can honestly look back and say you did everything you could to save the M, and have less guilt/regrets.

I feel scared and alone too at times. Don't let it overwhelm you. Don't focus on it. Phone a friend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> post on here, do something else (watch tv, a movie, something to take your mind off those times.)

You are clearly a very strong, good woman. You will/are getting through this. You will be ok whatever happens.

<on a side note, I used to always think that this talking "positve" like the Stuart Smalley guy on Saturday Night Live was pretty laughable and pathetic. It does come across as cheesy sometimes but honestly it works for me at this point in my life. Heck, I'm a U2 fan so I like all that ideals, hope, and love stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyway, I wish you well.>

Dear USH, I have two minutes and I'll give them to you.

It can be very scary at times, this whole business. I still find it shocking at times to realise my marriage is coming to an end.

I keep thinking about surviving on my own and I get scared and feel very alone. Who will save me when things go wrong? But the 'adult' part of me tells the 'scared little child' part of me that it will look after it, protect it and provide it with all it needs. It takes some convincing but it is starting to work for me.

Just know we are all here for you. We are here to help you when you need a boost and to realise that everything you need is within you. Did I say that?

If I could I would give you a hug right now (and a glass of port) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SH

Hi unsure...

Let me see if I can answer your questions...

One question I have (not necessarily for you), is whether it is easier for the WS to not think about the reality of the situation or have these fears because they already have someone waiting in the wings.

To me this is a yes...I think in one of my posts I referenced something about it being easier for the WS because they had someone to share intimacy with. Not physical intimacy but the kind that you share with that someone in your life that tells you--and you believe them--that everything will be OK. That someone you can share your deep down feelings with. These are things that most of us can't share even with our closest friends...It's like the shoulder to cry on or the person to lean on when things get toughest in your life. The BS rarely has that...the WS seems to either have it...or believes they have it in the OP.

In your first M, did you file for divorce? Was it acrimonious?

My XW filed. I got the papers in the mail one day. While not surprised, it was still a WHOA moment for me. Like I couldn't believe it had come to that. Of course I truly knew that it should have come quicker but getting those papers was very sad, but inevitable. The D wasn't acrimonious but it sure wasn't pleasant. We did not haggle over much...I just gave in on a lot of stuff...She ended up with the house, most of the furnishings etc...I ended up with--well--with a divorce.

unsureheart said: I am so scared and feel so alone.

Yeah, I know how you feel. When I spend time with my friends and family I am sure they think I am OK and handling things well. Of course they aren't with me when I get home, lock the door at night and know no one is going to be coming in that door after its closed.

Try to stay busy. Or at least that's what I try to do. I read a lot, exercise, spend time with my friends, watch movies...anything to try to keep from thinking about what's going on. Of course, as I am sure you know, it's hard not to think about it because everything in life is so uncertain.

Maybe it is the uncertainty that is so scary for all of us. Though losing someone you really have grown to know intimately and love and trust and they know you as well too, well that's pretty scary too.

From your posts I think you are doing well. I think the feelings you have are very normal and I think you have shown a great deal of strength.

Hang in there, unsure, this is all a journey and a process and there is no easy way to shorten it or skip the hard parts. But they will make you a stronger and better person...I truly believe that.

Take care

E

USH,

I wanted to check in with you to see how you are, I see your father had surgery, is he recovering okay?? My prayers are with you and your family.

Your husband may be pressured into initiating a divorce, also, since everyone knows about the affair now.
Mine filed shortly after D-Day and it got dropped. And in August he was saying he wanted it again, I even found an attorney's card in his wallet (different from the first attorney).

Keep your chin up, I hope everything works out okay, I hope he wakes up soon, if he contacts you, put the Plan A hat on, than take it off until he contacts you again.

Hugs,
GC

aanast -- Thank you for your reply. I don't think I LB'd when I left the brief voice mail message. I was calm and brief and simply said that if he wanted to proceed with a D, we should talk and I wanted it to be amicable not acrimonious. I don't know honestly what is an LB to him anymore. That's the only contact we've had in a month. I do know that he is very angry with his sister and has emailed her with an how dare you interfere/how dare you suggest I tell anybody anything. I didn't initiate that phone call to her and I certainly didn't tell her to call him. That's her business and since she's been a BW twice in her own marriage I would think that WH would know why she's feeling what she's feeling about all of this. Just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess.

Seahorse -- I really appreciate your checking in with me and your nice words. They do make me feel less alone as we are unfortunately a similar, if not the same, boat. I need to go check your other thread as I am curious whether your WH has rescheduled with Steve H. I know I could never get WH to agree to that and just mentioning counseling of any kind to him sets him off. I do think he is struggling.

Elad -- Again, I appreciate your willingness to answer my questions and your candor and empathy. Not many in my life would know how troubled I am by all of this and how alone I feel. I try and keep a more positive attitude and stay busy, but this state of limbo is very hard for me. I often wonder if God is trying to show me something that I'm just not capable of seeing right now.

Goingcrazy -- Hi GC. I was so happy to find your posts over on recover (and admittedly a little envious that your WH has come home and you are weathering the storm with the same grace that you did while he was gone). Thank you for your encouraging words. I do know that I should look at actions not words, but it is, as you know, so hard sometimes.

I am doing a bit better today, but feel as if the storm clouds are gathering.