Lost,

You are in a bad place right now because your security is very threatened by all of this. I can understand that you are not in a place to tell him to leave. There are things you can do.

You do not feel emotionally safe with your husband. At this point I’d say you might want to keep a low profile for a while. You can bring some things up to him. At this point he is saying that he has nothing to do with the OW right? So for right now buy it but keep your eyes open. Go to his work and have lunch with him, etc. Make yourself known over there. If you see her ignore her. If you get wind of them still seeing each other then confront her. Perhaps in a letter as I’m not sure you could do with restraint.

Your husband will not give you the reassurance you need. He may or may not be seeing her at this time but he lied for a very long time about her working with him.

You are also not feeling financially secure at this time to be able to make the move to Plan B. His not bringing the pay stub home is weird. There is something wrong there. For some reason there is something he does not want you to see or he just wants to control the finances. Either is not good.

You only have control over your own behavior so I’d say start there. Do you have any one, like your parents, who you could move in with? Someone who would be willing to give you a hand while this situation plays itself out? If your h will not help you financially you can see an attorney to get support and/or get public welfare. This approach would enable you to go to Plan B if you feel it’s necessary.

Or if you want to, or feel that you need to stay with him longer…….

I’d say a two prong approach would be the thing. You need to take care of some of your own needs. And you need to pursue your marital recovery. This will open options for you. At some point will become clear to you if your H is still in his affair as long as you keep your eyes and ears open. By clear I mean irrefutable evidence.

1) In the mean time assume that he is telling you the truth. You may want to tell him you understand that talking about it is hard for him. However you have seen statistics that say that when a couple can really talk about the affair, the BS can get all of their questions answered there is an 86% recovery rate. Where the affair is swept under the rug.. The recovery rate is only about 56%. That is why you want to talk about it. Because no knowing is worse then anything he could possibly tell you. You are sure that your imagination is worse then the reality.

I told my H this. He denied and denied. At some point I knew that he’d had a weekend fling with one of the OW’en. There were 9 more. So I told him that as long as he would not tell me anything I had to assume that he had very involved physical relationships with each and every one of them. Told him that he did not need to share a thing with me, but if he did not that was the ‘reality’ I’d be working with. I also promised him that no matter what he told me I would not love bust and/or use it against him. He started opening up a few days later.

Also tell him that you only want him to know how you feel. He will of course do what ever it is he wishes to do. You are upset about him not bringing home his pay stub. To you it means either that there is something on the pay stub that he does not want you to see (raise, loss of income, some money being withheld, something) or he simply wants to control family finances. This is unacceptable as running family finances is a joint effort. And that you hope that some day soon he will come to understand that you should be in the loop on this.

Then just let it drop for a while. But do tell him that it upsets you every time he sees her, talks to her, etc.

{By the way, how long has it been since he has not shown you his pay stubs? There is away you may be able to get a copy of at least his annual w-2. Who does the taxes in your home? You? Him? Do you get to see them? How is he going to hide his pay stub from you if you have to sign the income tax papers???}

2) Now for the other part of this. I hate to say it but IMHO you need to get some independence. I know you want to stay home with your kids but I don’t see that you have that option right now. You need to get some feeling of power over your life. This is exactly why so many women today work. I will not give up my career at this point because as much as I’d love to have total faith in my marriage I just don’t know where I’m going to be 5 years from now. I certainly did not anticipate finding out that my new husband has having affairs for the entire time I knew him. This is to give you options. Yes it will be hard on your children, but this entire mess is too.

What education, experience, etc. do you have to get a job? You can tell your h that because of all this, because he is not sharing the financial information with you, etc. Do you have any family or friends who could watch the children?

Also see an attorney to see what options you have for child support and alimony. Or at least spousal support until you have some training for a job that will pay you enough to make it worth your while.

This way, some day in the future you will have the option to either stay with a loving husband or leave because you discover that his lies/infidelity have continued. But in the mean time you have done all that you could to save your marriage and you have become a more self reliant woman… both are good.

Here is a web site that has some ideas of how to get yourself in a stronger position. It’s kinda funny and mercenary but the suggestions are very good.

Tao] of Divorce