Hi Sharon,
I must admit that today my mind is less 'romantic', and I truly don't think it is a good idea to find H's money for a plane ticket. He can find it , if he tries hard enough. I think it is good to be very kind to the WS, but that goes beyond it. I too was thinking last night that
I bet he'd find $$ for gift for OW--so there you are.

Interesting Sharon, that I sound like your H. I guess that the range of human behavior and personality isn't as broad as one might think.

I can see what you mean about your H's words hurting you so much, the ones about having to do something just due to 24 years. I hear the same stuff.

My kids are doing pretty well, all things considered. Their dad and I are cordial , at least, and no arguing. MY oldest, the girl, and I are very close now. My kids knew the OM, but of course they didn't know the 'full' story. They met him after exH and I had been separated for a year. They are glad I dumped OM, they thought he was a 'creep'. (they were right.)
They know too that I would like to try again with their dad, and they see me shed tears from time to time. They truly know how awful I feel. OUr girl rarely visits her dad now. She is away at college quite a bit, and when she returns she stays with me, not him. They go out to eat together once in a while. She really wants us to reconcile, and she seems more interested in expressing it than the boys. It sure is tough, but we've tried to never put them in the middle. My daughter and I are very close, more so than ever now. I think they know I'm the 'bad guy' in the marriage's failure, but they aren't mad at me , and as I said they're VERY happy I dumped OM. (he was super controlling and domineering of my time, or he tried to be.)

Interesting story about your kids, and how they even knew OW. Incredible. Interesting, too, how your H said she was ugly. Don't put yourself down, you weren't stupid--just trusting.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, you and all of the others here have helped me a lot.

God Bless,
H_P

HI H_P,

Yeah I get romantic ideas too. But unfortunately they are all one-sided. I really do just need to let him go. He needs to experience this. If it brings him back I hope I am here.

It does hurt, that is one of the reasons I am letting him go. I don't want to hate him and the continued trying to do things and hoping and expecting a response are too hard. I want to still have love for him if he comes back someday.

I am glad to hear that your kids and you are still close. I would not want my kids to have to pick sides. But my H needs to work on the relationship with the kids. He let it slide for too many years. Our kids seem to be good judges of character. I hope if I find someone else my kids will like him. If they don't I would not be able to be with him.

I am actually feeling pretty good today since I wrote the above letter to H. I thought I would be depressed, but right after I was happy and singing and a little later I had the most peaceful feeling I have had in a long time. I did cry a little when I heard YOUR SONG on the radio. "HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS WHILE YOU'RE IN THE WORLD" I love that song. I sat and thought that from now on I want to have happy memories of good times with my H. I want to let the saddness and pain of the last few years go. I want to remember the H that was. And hope for the H that I know he could be. For now though I am going to love my family, friends and be a better me. I am going to be thankful for what I have. I am PRETTY LUCKY. I have so many blessings. I have so much to be grateful for. I need to start showing it.

H_P it seems we are pretty close in age and circumstance. Doesn't it feel weird to be starting over at this age? I feel so strange. In some ways like a kid again, with all the same hopes and fears. Except there is this one crush I have and he doesn't know I'm alive.

Well, have a good day tomorrow or whenever you read this. I'll be thinking of you.

Sharon

Well got a response from H. He is "glad you (me) are moving on.

He was sorry we could not reach a settlement outside lawyers. Looking into his finances to see if there is anything there come up in money. Is very concerned about tax issues.

What did I expect? NOTHING. What did I get? NOTHING. The same NOTHING I have been getting for 9 months. The door is still open but I am walking away. It's over. There is too much distance between us physical and emotional. I love this man but...... there is nothing.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sharon}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I pray God's peace and presence surround you.

I pray for your H as well, that he is confronted by the Holy Spirit everywhere he goes, every step he takes, every word he hears. (that's what I prayed for my H).

Dear Sharon,

You wrote earlier-
<strong> He expressed appreciation that I was supporting him during the tough times at work. Could this be a hint that maybe OW doesn't know about these things? </strong>
Yes I think it is. I suspect he can only show a facade to OW. It will get lonely eventually.

Also, somehow I missed the part about the airline ticket, and I agree, don't buy him a ticket. Maybe he could scrape up the fare for a Greyhound bus. If not, he'll miss Christmas at home, and he'll have to spend it with the OW. Just leave it up to him.

Secondly, I think it's good that you got some things off your chest to him, but I would be careful about venting too much. Telling him you're moving on can make you feel stronger, but I don't know if you want to hammer in that point just now. As for his response, I would have been shocked had he said anything else. He is too entrenched in the fog and the A.

I'd like to suggest that since OW moved in, in September, you continue to Plan A for a while longer, if you can handle it. Yes, keep the wheels of divorce in motion, but Plan A. Don't get dragged into discussions of his finances or the divorce. Yes, in his letter where he is down on you for using a lawyer is annoying, but he did mention "looking at his finances and tax situation". DON'T talk about it! If necessary tell him that the settlement talks are way too painful for you, that's why you need a lawyer to handle them. You love him, you don't want a divorce, but since he does, you're accommodating his wishes by having a third party move things forward. You can not emotionally handle any settlement talks, you never envisioned your family being ripped apart by divorce, etc.

Next, what are the things about your H that were good? What did you have in common, or like to do together? What are H's interests? What are you doing for yourself in Plan A? What are the things you would want to do with your H if you reconciled? I don't have a very clear picture of your H in my head- except that he's not a very involved father.

I know your H refused to engage in much conversation on the telephone. So I suggest a period of several months of e-mails to him. It's hard to delete an e-mail without reading it. Write the e-mail as a friendly letter. Give H news of home, news of people he knows. Mention those people neutrally- just little gossip tidbits like- Best friend is getting a new truck, he's wondering what to get. or SIL had a leak in her roof, it's gonna be expensive to fix.

(There is a woman on this site who did this with her H, who had moved in with OW. After seven months of living with OW, the bubble burst. Have you read Lostva's story? I know a few people here have links to it.)

Ask his advice on childrearing issues. The little stuff like son has been playing alot of computer games lately, what do you think about that? Don't give him YOUR opinion, ask his. Give him news of kids- son got an 85 on social studies test, daughter has a new friend. Talk about what you're doing but keep it light- I went to see such and such movie, you should see it too, I think you'd enjoy it OR I went on a long walk today, loved seeing everyone's houses decorated for Halloween. Try to keep it light and funny, the kind of letter you'd send to a dear friend. Don't however mention doing anything that could be interpreted as costly or financially wasteful. Don't mention OW.

Possibly in the e-mail, ask him a neutral question or two, that relate to his expertise- since I don't know your H, it's hard to think of an example. With my H, since he knows alot about movies, I could ask him a movie related question. A question that would be easy for your H to answer.

If your H doesn't respond to your letter, ignore it. Just send off another letter, as though you didn't notice the lack of response. In the meantime, don't engage in telephone contact- get caller ID and screen his calls so he can't get you on the phone and provoke you into LBing. Always be out or busy- you're on the run- but you do check your e-mails regularly. If H gets suspicious or questions your letters, just say something like, I think in our situation good communication is very important. I thought I would try to work on it. Continue to e-mail unless he tells you to stop.

If your H says anything mean or hateful, again ignore it. The standard WS tactic is to provoke you into LBs to justify their behavior. "She filed for divorce and broke up the marriage" "She is angry and will never get over what I did" "She's punishing me" It all involves blaming you.

In the meantime, get strong. Explore, try to grow, enjoy life, take up some new activities. Do stuff for yourself. It sounds like you're doing this.

The reason I suggest this is that it seems like your H has become so disconnected from you and the children (by his own choosing). I would try to draw him back in. The reason I think your efforts had no effect earlier is that he was not living with the OW yet. She could still exist as a rosy fantasy in his mind. (Wonder how H will like it when OW starts making friends at school- perhaps some hunky guys who will be drawn by her beauty.)

Now you have a chance to contrast with her- the sweet, understanding wife with so many memories and a history together. It might not work, but why not give it a shot for a few months? You have nothing to lose. Remember, consistency is very important.

Don't tell your H about MB or this forum! Don't even let him on to the fact that this website exists. Yes, he will resent it if he finds out. (Mine does). Mine complains that I'm airing our dirty laundry in public (although to this day, his family, my parents, our kids and many of my friends DO NOT know- because MB gave me an outlet). So, I would keep this site under wraps. If he is like most WS, he won't go looking for it.

OK so maybe it won't work. And you may lose patience. But remember, the divorce is in the works. If your H doesn't come to his senses, you will move on, start dating etc. But since OW only arrived here recently, maybe it's worth plan Aing a little longer. Just be a friend to your H, but not an enabler. It's a very fine line to tread.

Another thing I would suggest, is when you feel angry, before e-mailing H, float your letter on the board. It's easy to send something off in haste. People here can be helpful with the finetuning aspect- being firm without LBs. Language is so crucial here. That said, it is human to LB. I was the queen at certain points during my H's A. But, I did find that my LBs drove him back towards OW.

Hoping things will look up for you soon.

Hi Sharon,
Thanks for your kind words, again! Yes , we are very close in age--absolutely! It is odd to be 'starting over' at this age, but I am still in denial about starting over. I am hoping that my exH will forgive me, still, and that we can reconcile. But, of course you're right--for now, I am starting over!

I wanted to say that I truly appreciated all of Espoir's letter. I think the advice is fantastic. It's true, too, that if you LB, then your H will think--"See, my wife is difficult, no wonder I am with OW."

Your situation is so different than mine, the letters will be good. I must say that I tried a few chatty emails in early September, late August. He never answered them. He then told me one time that he didn't like them, as they presented 'pressure'. Thus, I stopped them. Gosh, maybe I should resume them. What do you think...? (not to ask advice on your thread, but...I didn't think you'd mind!)

It sounds like you're strong, and in a good frame of mind. I am feeling the same way too, but I still am holding out hope of some sort.

Like you, songs push me over the edge. Yesterday as I drove to my night class I heard a new song out by Kenny G. The vocals were by some woman whose name I can't recall. Anyway, it was about wanting to have the loved one there again, by your side. (more or less) I was driving in heavy traffic, but I did burst into tears. I was able to stifle them shortly thereafter so I could compose myself before class. It sure is hard at times! Very few people in my professional life know what I'm going through. They would be surprised to learn, I'm sure.

BTW, one woman in my class last night talked to me about divorce, and how it was. She's having a hard time staying married, questioning all of it. She appears to be in mid-thirties, married 15 years- 3 kids. I told her to stick it out, and don't listen to the media hype that seems to assert that divorce isn't so bad. Next week perhaps I'll give her this website. She truly looked like her heart was crying out for direction of some sort. Mainly I told her that the grass wasn't greener at all. She did seem grateful, and I hope she believed me for her own sake, and for her kids' sake, too.

I'm thinking of you too!
Take care,
H_P

Take care,
H_P

Hi ute...just wanted to let you know, i have been reading your posts on this thread, and have been thinking about you, hang in there, alot of great advice yu have been getting. Like one of the posters said, play it cool when writing the emails, talk like you are talking to a friend, good advice. You are still being nice, but not whiny and needy. Sorry, i cant be of more help, god bless you Sharon.....A/C0810

Thanks so much again everyone.
I am good today. I had to work late then had a meeting to go to, just got home. I appreciate all the support and will try to answer Q's

Lor: Thanks for the hugs and prayers. I have prayed much the same thing for my H. That he could overcome his adversity and know the TRUTH.
Thanks for thinking of me.

Espoir: Yes I think he is still putting up a front for the OW. I could be wrong. But why should he be any different with her than others. ESPECIALLY someone he is trying to impress.
I am not going to offer the ticket.
In my letter I did vent, but I haven't vented, yelled, expressed my feeling in a negative way, said awful things about him or OW, once since d-day. I just wanted him to know that this has been hard on me too. He keeps complaining about how hard it is for him and I just wanted to set the record straight. I let my SIL (his sister) read it and she did not think I said anything bad.

I am not sure OW is living with him. Weird but I hope she is. If she is not in his town or at least close by the fantasy will take longer to burst. My H is a good man but he is VERY hard to live with. My in-laws thought I was the one who wanted to separate. They thought I finally got tired of all my H's Crap. They couldn't believe it was him. His dad told him he would NEVER find someone who would put up with him and be good to him like me. He probably thought "well I already have someone"

I am planning on Plan A when we are in contact. I love him and will not treat him badly. I was planning on continuing to write letters about the kids and such. This is one of the reasons I told him I was moving on so that I could continue to talk to him without him thinking I had a motive, (getting him back) Plus I wanted him to think I'm moving on because I think he was trying to use my feelings for him against me. I am moving forward but like I said the door is still open. But, realistically it could take another year or more before anything happens between him and OW. I don't want to put my life on hold so I am moving forward.

I did read Lostva's story. It gave me the e-mail idea. I however cannot put I love you or care about you or anything like it in e-mails it makes H mad. He thinks I am trying to make him feel guilty.

He always responds kindly when he does, and he always responds. I think I am his lifeline to home. Another reason for the "moving on" thing. When he says mean things I ignore.

As for OW she has already lived with a guy for about 3yrs. left him because "it wasn't the right thing for her" so ??????

I don't have a problem with getting angry and wanting to tell him off or anything. One of the advantages of having him not live close. I am not the type of person to 'go off' on anyone I am very calm and slow to anger.

Oh I skipped about my plan A for me. I have mostly been working on unconditional love, trying to see things from others points of view, trying to be more independent and believe in myself more. Started to pay a little more attention to my looks. Trying to realize the things that drove H and I apart. I think I know most and I showed him as much as I could and wrote to him about the others. I have also been trying to be more self-confident. I have also been trying to have more admiration for my H I think this is one EN of his I started to ignore because he got so withdrawn.

My H and I have much in common. Sports, political, He is a good man, works hard, he is a good provider and though he is selfish he always took good care of us. He was not perfect but I love him and I'm FAR from perfect. He used to be good to talk to, and he has a good sense of humor, he is relaxed and easy to be around, at least with our family.

I am trying to expand myself. So I'm not a boring housewife. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway I will respond to H_P later my D needs to use the computer.

Love to all and thanks for all the good advice and support. I wouldn't make it without you all.

Sharon

<small>[ October 25, 2002, 01:22 AM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

Dear Sharon,

Checking in to see how you are doing and must say you sound in much better shape than your H. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He is looking at the finances. Well that is a sobering thought. $$ has a way of bringing back reality. Whether is brings them back all the way....... is not something we can count on but it does put a definite dent in the A.

Look for the OW to do stupid things at this time. The one common factor about the A is the selfish attitude displayed on both the WS and OPs parts. If properly directed, the BS can actually get them to LB each other. Without doing much at that. $$ is one of the ways.

For some of us, we have to actually push the OP and WS together until they are sick of each other...... oh well at least some of us have had that experience. YUCK double YUCK!!!! Stupid WS' !!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, the BS must always keep a clear head and a calm heart. Regardless of how stupid the Ws may act. Now you may need to get prepared for some of his bullying tactics. You might think you have seen it all but there may be more to come.

Soon you will have the opportunity to throw back their stupid phrases like:

WS: U can't control me.
BS: do I even want to?

WS: U can't tell me what to do?
BS: I'm not.

These turn into:

BS: U can't control me, just like U said I can't control U.

WS: But I want to.

BS: U can't tell me what to do, just like U said I can't tell you what to do.

WS: But I want to.

Hm......... Ws' vocabulary seems to be stuck on I want to?!?!?!? Hm.....? Don't worry, that day will come.

hugz,
L.

Hi H_P and A/C,

H_P,

Always glad to hear from you. I have to admit I have some hopes too. But, I am going to try not to dwell on them. My H doesn't seem to mind the e-mails in fact always thanks me and seems to appreciate them. Well at least till now. I don't know how he will act now. I know he is upset that I won't try to work out the D without lawyers. It is just to hard and he intimidates me. Not in a
really bad way, but he just does.

Be careful in traffic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> maybe you should turn off the radio. I love to torture myself with sad or touching songs. I love music and like to find songs that match my mood. For some reason "When I said I Do" by Clint & Lisa Black makes me happy. I don't know if you've heard it. Give it a listen it is a beautiful song. It is a song about marital commitment and love. It probably should make me sad but every time I hear it I get the best feeling.

Boy ya know I wouldn't advise D to anyone. It is so painful. I wonder if my H feels the pain. Probably not because he has someone to turn to. The thought of being alone for the rest of your life is scary and lonely. I am of the mind set that most marriages could be saved if the parties would just work on it. I am not talking abuse or dangerous situations. But I think people look at all the things going on in the world and think they are missing out. It is such a superficial world. People get caught up. Sad.

Anyway I am glad you are feeling stronger. I am too. I also feel happier. I was not lying when I told H I was happy. I wonder if he is happy. I am reading a book about rebuilding after the loss of a love relationship. According to this book their are DUMPERS (MY H) and DUMPEES (ME), if you are a "BAD" dumper, in other words, if you left the marriage without trying to work on it at all, or had an A, or for the reasons, and did it the way my H did (RAN AWAY) you are a BAD dumper and in for a lot of pain. This is a great book BTW. It might really help you. Even if you reconcile it helps with the recovery process you will go through till then. If you want the name and author I will get it. It is in my car and I'm too lazy to go outside.

I am thinking of you too. Keep your chin up!

Sharon

A/C,

I am glad to hear from you. I hope in your case no news is good news. Did OW ever visit? I hope not. Maybe she is MOVING ON <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have been praying for you. Last we heard your H seemed to be coming around. Maybe he will be one of the ones who wakes up early. I hope. If not don't give up hope. Your H's A sounds just about as dumb and seems to have just about as much chance of working as my H's. I am just afraid OW will push H to marry her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I think he really needs some time to deal with his issues. Then IF they are still together MORE POWER TO THEM. I will be happy for him. But I would hate to see him push just to PROVE something. Plus she could have ulterior motives in wanting to marry. If he marries her, he gives up everything for her and she is PLAYING him. He will be DEVASTATED.

Anyway good friend, keep me posted. BAD PUN.

Sharon

Hi Orchid,

Thanks. I would LOVE to push OW and H together but I don't have a cattle prod that will reach that far.

As H said "OW had ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING to do with him leaving and I DAMN well know it."
TRUE? Maybe, but it sure makes it a Heck of a lot easier to step into that dark unknown if you think someone will be there with you. I think H has put OW on a pedestal. Before he left you should have heard how he went on and on and on.... about how great she was. I used to just GAG. I'm sorry, NOBODY is that perfect. And if she is, she is WAY to good for my H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think I do need to prepare for some possible tactics on H's part. It is much easier because I am in this controled situation with him living away. I always have time to plan and re-think everything I do. I feel a real advantage here. I feel as if I know what is happening to H more than he does. I DEFINITELY CAN'T predict the outcome, but knowledge is POWER. I am pretty calm. Clear-headed?????? That's another story. NO, really I do have a plan, have had since day one. Doesn't always work out, sometimes I have to change it, but I do have a plan. I like reading MORTARMAN'S posts. He does it military-style. I guess this is a war.

Let me tell you though. If I could give one bit of advice to someone that this is happening to it would be what you guys have been telling me all along. Work on you. You can't control your spouse. Let them go in that sense. It makes it so much easier. It is in our nature to try and control the uncontrolable. I think even when you know that it is still hard. I am getting to the point now where I can finally do it. I think I am finally getting to that point that you and Lor have been telling me about. It is a relief, but it doesn't kill your hope. It just puts hope in manageable terms.

Anyway Orchid, thanks for checking up on me. I still owe you a pizza. Did you get your work to put in some decent snack machines? Tell them they need to keep YOUR strength up, so you can help us. Otherwise, angry MBers from all over the country will storm their offices.

Dear Sharon,

U R on for the piece of pizza!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

U R also right on about where you need to focus. It sure does keep our heads clear. You are now in a better position to help others. As you can see there is much help needed here.

Personally, I found strength and support by posting. Kinda like therapy. ....... & you all thought I just like to help!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Nah, as I wrote, I realized that I must follow what I say. Not do as I say and not as I do. Ya know.

Trust me, last year I had my time of being a basket case...... ask Bramble Rose and a few others....... oh yea..... I was...... but no more.

I have learned not to say more than I can do or have done. When I look back, I see some pretty funny stuff happening. U know what? The laugh is on the Ws and OP. LOL!!! Well I wish them well in their miserable lives. Yep, sure do. Does that make sense? No but in the fog it will. LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So that is why it is all the more reason to keep bettering yourself. Takes a while to get to that emotional acceptance level but when you do, you feel some relief and it is welcomed. Now will you still have down times? Yes. But it will not be as hard as what you have already been through. When the WS told me how great the OW was, it hurt. Later when they were fighting (which by the way, they do even when I don't do anything - so it is NOT me causing their LBs..... he he he), I reminded the Ws how 'great' the OW was. EWhhhhhh how that jab cut deep..... yea but it drew out some of that poison blood from the A and helped him heal.

Then it was up to him to help us heal. So you see, you don't really have to do much..... the undoing of the A is really done by them. If they have a great relationship....wish them miserable happiness.....when they are miserable remind them of how happy they said they were. Then watch 'em squirm.....

L.

Hi again Orchid,

How do you like your PIZZA? I have gotten a lot out of posting too. My SIL (brother's W) who's 1st H left her for an OW, btw, he came crawling back when she got interested in my brother. TOO LATE. Anyway, she told me to keep a journal to help with my feelings. I did till I found this site. I prefer a journal that gives good advice.

I am trying to better myself. It was hard for a long time to do anything, but I feel myself getting better and stronger.

I would LOVE to be able to be around OW and H. My H has a very explosive temper. BUT, he is like a volcano. One big burst and then it's over. We (his family) are used to it, but if you're not...SCARY!!!! He can also be a MAJOR JERK. I don't know what kid of person OW is, but it took me a LONG time to learn to deal with H in a way that didn't LB the HE** out of both of us. We are talking LONG TIME.

Unless he does a total 180 and becomes a totally different person for her, I truly will wish them well if she can live with him and have them both be happy.

It took a lot of soul searching and thought on my part to help me understand where my H was coming from and why he is the way he is. He is a good guy but he has a lot of "issues". Possibly though this leaving the family is what he needs. That is what he says. I guess only time will tell. I don't know if OW has the patience or maturity to understand my H and love him for who he is. I don't mean to make him sound like and OGRE he isn't. But he is hard to deal with.

Well guess me and my flannel nighties will turn in. I gotta get up in 4 1/2 hrs. Talk to you later.

Sharon

Hi ute...things are going pretty good around here. If you want to read my latest news, my post is on the recovery board, (its probably about page 2), its called "Hi, its A/C from GQ Board". If you want to post your reply there, i will check for it....keep your chin up girl...A/C0810

ute...also a couple of posts on page 1 of the recovery board, called "Hi Lor, Going_crazy and Zoey , please read". Would love some input from you if you feel up to it, friend...thanks A/C0810

Hi,

Just a question. Orchid, Lor, Espoir. I was walking to work today and wondering. I have been kind of giving out move on, give up vibes here for the last few days. However I get a sense in your answers that you all have deja-vu with my situation. I kind of posted thinking you would say "good try" but I am getting more of a "don't give up feeling" Is this just wishful thinking and imagination on my part? Do you all know something I don't know? If so could you let me in on the "trade secret". I know I can't get my hopes up and that you don't have my answers. I'm just curious. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What do you think of this?

I wrote my H a newsy letter. He had contacted me about $$ and son. I mentioned that someone had asked me out. And that it was scary. He replys that he is glad, that he had no doubt, that I am HOT. That I shouldn't be scared!!

What is up with that? I wrote that I Probably wasn't going because I think this guy wants more than a DATE, and that in my CONDITION, it would be dangerous. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Was that bad?????? Maybe a little jealousy will put a kick in his pants???????

-well, it may not be such a bad thing to say you're moving on. Especially if it makes the e-mail news less "pressure filled". I think you can protect your heart, plan A for yourself, meaning work on you, develop yourself, be the person you want to be, grow etc. think about moving on... at the same time you can hold the door open a crack for H. In a few months, if he shows no movement towards you, you will be even more secure in moving on.

-as for mentioning the guy that wants to date you- well, that's reality. Guys will want to date you and someday you will say yes. sounds like the e-mail went fairly well. good that he acknowledges you're HOT.

-that said, make your next e-mail non R in every way. Imagine he is a guy you don't know- that you want to tempt. A guy you've met once or twice and you think he's cute. You're writing to him- would you talk R- NO! would you talk about other guys- NO! Talk about your thoughts, observations, feelings and ask him about his. Wax a bit poetic. talk about fall coming on, the leaves turning, football games, sitting in front of the fire with the kids, trick or treating, wahtever. a memory from your past that applies, maybe about his favorite team, or something you did together. Don't get sappy, but try to get his memory thinking.

Thanks Espoir,

We have actually been e-mailing this weekend. It is nice, just talk mostly about me and dating, and a incident I had with a guy who 'tried something'. Funny. I don't quite get it. I am just going with the flow. I do think I need to keep communication open. He knows it is no use to talk D with me. I am letting lawyer handle all that. I have a feeling he is NOT living with OW. Just his tone. Maybe it isn't all rosy for them. But those darn fantasy lives. I am in for a long road if they aren't together. That's okay, I am moving forward with my life. I will just let things happen. I can't control them anyway, except by making myself more attractive and desirable and a better person. So I'm not going to try. If my H notices great, if he doesn't maybe someone else WILL!!

Thanks for your help. I will follow your advice about the e-mails and acting as if he is someone I'm trying to attract. I never thought of it in that way. Kind of puts a whole new spin on the deal.

Thanks again,

Sharon

Hi Sharon,

It really sounds encouraging to me that your H and you are emailing back and forth. I just must say that in my case there was NEVER any back and forth 'friendly, light' emailing. I tried to do so last August, the old 'chatty' thing, but never got a response. I think you are really doing a great job. I will post on my main thread about my thoughts in my situation.

It's great to hear you're moving in the right direction. BTW, when I was in 'deep fog' I would have thought it was 'great' if my husband had been asked out, or I would have told him it was 'great'. I don't think for one minute that your H really thinks it is so 'great'. Just my opinion.

Thanks for your support,
H_P