Hi H_P,

Thanks for your response. You make me feel better about the "great" comment from my H.

Don't feel bad about the e-mail thing and your H. You must remember I probably wouldn't be willing to be so kind to my H if I had not done a lot of soul searching, reading and found MB. I might treat my H just like your H is treating you. Give it some time and maybe try again. Espoir said do it even if they don't respond. Maybe you could try that. Es's stuff about the e-mails is very good advice. I am going to follow it. I HAVE to keep the line of communication open or I might as well give up completely. There is nothing else there. H doesn't talk to me on the phone. And I never have a reason to call him that wouldn't seem just supicious.

Glad you had a good weekend with your D. I am also glad you didn't take my comments the wrong way. I was worried. I value your help and friendship. Thanks again.

Sharon

Hi,

I have just recieved the reply from my H to my lawyer. He used all sorts of things against me. I decided not to persue a job because it has hours that were impossible for a single parent. He uses that to make it look like I don't want to work. The fact that I have a part time job. He uses that against me. When he knows WE agreed that till school started that was best for the kids. He uses the fact that I make barely a little over minumum against me. Well a stay at home mom with no skills isn't exactly tops on everyones hire list. He knows I have been looking for work. He told me himself "Don't worry you'll find something." He knows the job market here is dead. His BIG reason for moving.

He makes me sound like some lazy sponge. No respect. What did I expect? You guys were all right. He will do anything for HIM. He made himself sound like the prince of all generousity. I wrote a new post saying I didn't know what I was dealing with. Well NOW I KNOW. I am dealing with a spoiled, self-absorbed child. He ISN'T worthy of my kids or me. I don't care if he ever comes out of the fog. If he ever does, and I doubt it, I hope he can live with his selfishness. He seems to forget that hurting me hurts his children. After all he left me here alone to care for them and their well being. He was playing all nice this weekend in his e-mails. He is playing ME. IF??? OW is behind this, she can have him. I feel sorry for her. The only way she'll be happy is if she's either a total doormat like I was or completely selfish.

Don't get me wrong, I am not really angry. I have just come to a realization that my H as he is isn't worth my time. I don't know if he was ever worth my time. He is right about one thing holding this marriage together just because we had 24 yrs together is meaningless. If he wants it all his way he's going to get it. I'm done. I know I have said this before but this time I MEAN IT!!!

Thanks for all your help, you have helped get me strong enough to get to this point. To see my own worth without my H in the equation. I deserve better and now I know it. I won't settle for someone who holds me in so little regard. Who does nothing but blame and make excuses. I don't hate him, it's more like pity. He doesn't have any idea what the IMPORTANT things in life are.

Thanks again,

Sharon

Sharon,
Your H may intend for your part-time job to be a negative, but if it is not a change from before the separation, it isn't necessarily something against you. He's the one who changed your finances with infidelity and separation...you're continuing to be the involved and "there" mother and parent the 2 of you agreed upon.

Your lawyer has sounded like he's willing to take on your H's "horsehockey", let him, and pray for a judge who values stay-at-home moms.

Your H is draining your lovebank, a very sad thing for your marriage, but will leave you at a point where you can deal with him and his actions in a way that leads to your personal recovery & healing.

None of this means that if your H would recover his sense your marriage couldn't be restored, if you were still willing, but you'll be in a stronger emotional position to make that choice.

I think your H's world is falling apart and he's striking out at you. I'm sorry.

Thanks Lor,

I am really getting to the point where I don't even want to talk to him. He is definitely 'PLAYING' me. I am not sure what is going on but I'm not part of the game anymore. That said yes, there is still a chance, but it will be all on his part. I will not LB or treat him badly. It is not in me. I just refuse to be brought to his childish level any longer. I am an adult,I try to make adult decisions based on the important things, like family. I refuse to have him use that against me. He looks more the fool everytime he opens his mouth. I am completely ready to accept that our marriage may never be restored. I could never love or cherish the man my H is at this point in his life. I don't even respect him. I have more respect and confidence in the decisions of my 13 yr old son than I do in his father. He is a caring, thoughtful person. I don't know WHO his father is or what he stands for.

I am not saying I'm perfect by any means. I have a long way to go. I have my own problems and demons. I have to deal with them. But I will. I won't make someone else the scapegoat for my weaknesses and inabilities.

Thanks for all your support. Hope things are well with you. Take care.

Sharon

Sharon,
There isn't any reason for you to currently respect your H. Your role is still to express dignity and politeness if you have to deal with him because that's for YOU.

I do want to tell you I also lost respect for my H, but once his actions and purpose changed and showed consistancy...respect has come back. I never really stopped loving him, or at least loving the person I had married and spent 15 years with (at that point). Respect came back before trust, because I did respect that he was at my side in a community that knew if not everything, a lot--the multiple separations, the infidelity, or suspicion of it.

Respect along with trust are things he could earn back, if he so chose to do so, AND you allowed it.

Maybe I'm wrong to keep trying to feed you a little hope...but given my story, I feel like that's my message to give.

I totally understand that the ball is in your H's court and you aren't willing to play until he makes a whole lot of effort.

Perhaps I'm just hoping you keep one little pocketful of hope, well guarded and well sealed against the drain.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sharon}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lor,

Thanks for your message of hope. I do have hope. I want more than anything for my H to come home and make a marriage with me. But at this time he is unwilling, maybe unable(?) to do so. His disrespectful judgments of me are really draining me. That is why I am pulling away. Even if we never reconcile he is the father of my children and a man I gave over half my life too. I do not want bitterness and hate toward him in my heart.

There is a part of me that can see a scenario of hope. But I cannot live for it anymore. It is too debilitating at this point. If he were here, it would be so much easier. There is no way to show him my changes. I try to show him in e-mail but he only reads into things the things he wants to read.

I am also afraid now that he will use things against me that I have told him. I stupily told him about the incident with the guy who came on to me. Partially to make him jealous, partially to show him someone might want me and partially because I felt guilty about it. Nothing happened, but I see the way he is twisting other things and I am afraid he will make this into something it's not. I'm so STUPID. He is trying to shoot me down and I'm giving him ammunition. Some of the things this A and aftermath have done to me I don't like. I can't believe some of the stupid things I say and do.

Anyway, thanks for your reply. I understand you wanting to give hope. As I have prayed about this I have had an answer often that he will be back and that it will be my choice to take him. I don't know if this is just wishful thinking but I know that if it is true it will be just that: my choice.

Take care,

Sharon

Hi Sharon,
I do need to work on that project I mentioned in 'my' thread (he he..'my' thread, sounds silly) , but I had to look here first at your thread. I am sorry that you 've had a rough time with all of the job 'thingy' and your H implying you're a sponge. You are the parent now, both mom and dad. You don't deserve such an accusation.

I agree with Lor, he is lashing out at you because things in his life aren't so good now.

It sounds like you are continuing to love him , and not lash out at him. That will be so helpful in the long haul.

Take care! I will be thinking of you.
H_P

hey sharon, what's up? Haven't been on in a bit because of Halloween- busy decorating, getting costumes etx.

I'm really sorry to hear of your H's reply to your lawyer. It sounds typical. The only way he can justify what he is doing is to make you look bad by twisting reality. Who jeopardized the family finances by quitting his job and making him liable for a lawsuit? Who has been a non existent parent? Who abandoned his wife and children?

You on the other hand went out and got the best job you could under the circumstances to help support the family. Don't let his babble confuse you.

Don't worry about your e-mail with the mention of the guy coming on to you. He really can't use it against you. After all, you turned the guy down, and H is the one who had an affair.

You do deserve better. No one deserves to live with a liar and a cheater.

Ignore his babble and let your lawyer deal with it.

You're working on yourself and getting stronger- and if you are ready to move on from H, do so.
You go girl!

Sharon,
I know you said you wouldn't be posting as much lately, but just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you.

Hope things are still going well for you.

Take care,
H_P

Hi Sharon,

Wanted to see how you are doing. You are in good hands here!!!

As for your H's babble, well now he is doing the same to others and it will be seen how much more of the world will or will not allow his babble to ruin their lives also. Don't worry Sharon, his babble is easily recognized especially by other WS. Imagine that? They don't like it when someone else does it.

Ok Sharon, you don't have to like him as he is. You probably do love the man he was. The time will come when you can remind him of that. It will make it easier to laugh at his stupidity. I know when I did, it brought relief. In fact I did get a bit hysterical. I think I was sad for so long, that to finally laugh at something really stupid like the A just spilled out. I didn't realize how much I had pent up in me......couldn't stop laughing. I apologized but still laughed......even the WS thought it was funny (til he realized I was also laughing at him..... LOL!!!). Even then he had a hard time stopping. You ever seen a person be mad and laugh at the same time.....?!?!?! A site to see!

As for your job, that is your decision. Remind him of his abandonment and your coping issues. Don't let him throw his guilt on you. He says junk like 'well if you did this, the A wouldn't have happened.' Prepare with a comeback,....... ' well the next time you decide to EA or PA, call me so I can do what I need to do......' Then while the look of wonderment crosses his face.....disappear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Thanks Espoir, H_P, Orchid,

I was glad to hear from you all. I haven't been around much. Guess in the MB sense I feel like kind of a failure. I know it is too early to really give up, but for now I am doing what I have to do.

Espoir: Yes the lawyer thing really upset me. It is the first time he has really attacked me and it hurt. He knows I have issues with feeling inadequate in being able to get a job. It was really hitting below the belt. Why all the meaness after he has been gone so long? The comment he made a few weeks ago about his A having nothing to do with leaving, it was mostly me going to church really hurt too. But I am working on things I feel I'm having a little set-back but I am looking forward. Thanks.

H_P,
I hope you are okay, I think about you often. You have been a good friend and help to me.
I have been keeping an eye on your post. I think you are making progress. I can only encourage you not to give up. Take care.

Orchid,
Next time my H makes a stupid comment I am going to say just what you wrote about him giving me warning about the A so I can prepare. I am sure he will say, That has nothing to do with it. Oh well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I want to thank you for helping me through. I am feeling better except for the little emotional set-back I've mentioned. It is mostly about getting a new job, and trying to decide how far I want to take this whole D fight. I am to the point I really want this whole thing over with. I wanted more than anything to hold my M together and make things right with my H. I wish I could. But for now I guess it is not possible.

I will check back from time to time or post if I get in a bind. I know I will.

Thanks,
Sharon

HI ute....just wanted to let you know, i am following your thread here, i still think about your often, keep your chin up...bless you.A/C0810

Hi Sharon,

You are improving and moving forward and he is well ......back there.

I want to let you know that U R NOT a failure. Yes, we all feel that way sometimes. That is why posting here is good. See others might believe you but we don't. Ok? So post and vent when you can, we will keep you sane if you do the same for us, ok?

Hugz,
L.

Thanks for your support A/C and Orchid,

A/C, I am watching your thread in Recovery, hope you stay there. I am praying and pulling for you.

Orchid, Thanks. Do you really feel like a failure at times? I feel really good sometimes like I am doing so well, then, zap. It gets to me again. I am trying so hard to get on with things. For some dumb reason today I couldn't get H and OW out of my mind. Kept thinking of them so happy together, among other things. Worse things. YUK and DOUBLE YUK. Why do I even care anymore? I haven't been with my H for almost a year now. I am more divorced than married and have been for months now. I don't even think he thinks about me or coming back, EVER. In fact I think he is glad to be away. I guess in a way I'm jealous sometimes of... I don't know his freedom I guess. I have been saddled with everything. I love my family more than anything but sometimes it's overwhelming to think of doing it all alone. I know millions of women do it and do a darn good job, I hope I'm up to the task. I just can't believe how my life has changed in less than a year.

I guess I still have work to do on me. I need to be confident and self-reliant. Two things I've never been.

Thanks so much for everything. I hope you are well. Keep smiling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks,

Sharon

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: footballwidow ]</small>

Just wanted to echo again- you haven't failed if you give up on your H. I don't think MB is about saving every marriage. It is about giving you the tools to work on your marriage- so you can truly feel like you gave it your best shot.

I think you can pat yourself on the back, Sharon.

Maybe your H, due to his own failings as a human being, can not turn back from this path he has chosen.

I doubt he will be so happy in life. He has thrown away some really important things- the love of his wife and children- for something that is very superficial. One day his relationship with OW will come crashing down and he will start to understand what he lost. It may well be too late for him to save his family.

You are doing the right thing, the hard thing. Being a responsible mom to your kids. Pamper yourself a bit, you deserve it!

Thanks Espoir and Orchid,

I hope I am not a failure. It is late I just got home from hospital. H's father had a stroke. Don't know how he will be. It makes me miss my H. I hope he is not alone he is worried about his Dad. His mom is practically an invalid and his dad has been caring for her. I don't know what we are going to do. I am sad that I can't be there for my H and that he doesn't want me to be. Thanks for your help.

Sharon

Hi Sharon, I'm sorry to hear your news. Be strong and pray for your H and his family, just by doing that you are being there for him.

Did you read my post on JFO recently? I started a divorce/separation group with a local church. It was very interesting. There was a lady who had been divorced 20 years and had not worked through her stuff, and had come back to do it. Another guy has been separated/divorced 6 years and was still like us hoping that she will come back as the wife still dangles the carrot- 6 years later!!

Truly Sharon, working through this stuff now puts us far ahead, we don't realise, we think we're not getting anywhere and we're hard on ourselves sometimes for it, but we are ahead and sadly we are leaving WS behind. Hopefully one day they will join us, but there is nothing we can do but pray for them.

I hope I am not a failure

You will only be a failure if you quit, and YOU WON'T.

That means quit trying to improve yourself, quit trying to be a good mom. Quit being a person who cares. YOU WON'T.

You have not quit M, H has left you.

Repeat after me:
It's not my fault
It's not my fault
It's not my fault.
Repeat 100 times.

Like I told Seahorse once, he is broken and you didn't do it. He did it to himself.

Sharon, have faith in your answers to prayers, and keep doing what you are led to do. God won't fail you.

I can't help you much in what is happening right now, but it will come to you and you will know. Keep praying.

SS

Thanks SS,

I will repeat it 1,000,000 times till it sinks in. It is hard though. I was always so proud that my H and I married young and stayed together no matter what. I like to fix things that are broken. But broken spirits. That is a hard one. I believe God knows what is best for me. I do and have felt his guidance in my life and I am so thankful. I wish my H would let HIS love in and feel of his spirit. Someday I know I will completely understand why all this happened. It is like line upon line. We have to understand the small before we can understand the big. Thanks for your thoughts. They are very comforting.

Sharon

Dear Sharon,

I am sorry to hear about your FIL. Hope your H is there for them. You can be to, in spirit and let them know this is the most your H will let you do. I am sure you will find a way to do what you can for them not H but them.

I will be your little Jimminy Cricket conscience, ok? U R not a failure. U R a successful person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugz,

L.