Cking back in, well.. I do agree PASSION could be another love deposit next time, but let's not ignore this love deposit too! he has all sorts of love banks that can be deposited in! All kinds of ens's....

I think gc did greaqt with her sexy undies in the bathroom... make some more hints for passion sometime too.

Hugs, H

Yes, leaving the lights on in the bedroom ... that was nice and subtle. This suggestion about the sheets is very likely his response to that light invitation. Take this further ... the ball is in your court now.

It would please him if you buy the sheets.

<small>[ October 11, 2002, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>I disagree with relate, knowing a little more about his love for scottie dogs.... ! and animals! and that this is something the two of you talked about before.

Relate, I think you are off base here. I think he is trying to connect with her on a subject the two of them had connected on before... in the past , in their life together.
EY</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is how I feel, also, in order to reconnect in all ways, including passion, there needs to be a deeper level here. WE have so many similiar interests, etc. It would be very difficult to just jump in bed after being apart for 20 months, we need to reconnect on an emotional level first.

I think that is what will set us apart from him and OW. We can connect in all ways, not just on a passionate level.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kily:
<strong>Is there any way that you can all that Bakery in his hime town and have some of those yummy cookies shipped to his job? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Already had thought of that!! Its a smalltown bakery, I called and they do not do deliveries or shipments!! However, he always told me my cookies were just as good as theirs!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong>I don't see your H as a "romantic illusionist" at the moment. I don't see him wanting you to be "passionate" at the moment either.

I think he's trying to get closer, yes, but I think he wants to do it right this time. He wants to be "real sure" about the decision he makes. I think that he somewhat knows what he wants now, but he's still abit scared. I think he's really thinking and he's testing the situation.

G_C, I see that he is having a hard time, after all you have been separated for a long time. The situation must be extrodinary strange for him. It's like a "peek into the past" and yet so much has changed. But he is peeking and I really think that it's feeling better and better.
Just let him peak some more. Give him the taste of home and how good it feels.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blondeblossom:
I totally agree with you!!! That is exactly how I feel the situation is. The last thing I want to do is to jump into things too quickly!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>He has *told* her what he wants in the marriage - passion. You are free to disagree with him, but that won't change what he wants.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Relate, I am not disagreeing with him at all, I don't think that hopping in bed will fix things. If we were to reconcile, we need to do so on all levels.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>Ofcourse you can be passionate - write a lightly naughty email. Be spontaneous and go and buy the bed-sheets; buy a new nightie at the same time and tell him that you were tempted to buy it to go with his sheets. Say you have bought the sheets, but can't get yourself to replace the old ones because they still smell of him, and you together ...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this would be a little whiny, my gosh, we have not even had any reconciliation talk, this would scare him off. Plus, I would hope that any scent of him would be washed off after 20 months, I am not going to look pathetic.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>He'll be back with you in no time.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">whatever you think

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>Cking back in, well.. I do agree PASSION could be another love deposit next time, but let's not ignore this love deposit too! he has all sorts of love banks that can be deposited in! All kinds of ens's....

I think gc did greaqt with her sexy undies in the bathroom... make some more hints for passion sometime too.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks Honey, its the little hints, not the begging!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>Yes, leaving the lights on in the bedroom ... that was nice and subtle. This suggestion about the sheets is very likely his response to that light invitation. Take this further ... the ball is in your court now.

It would please him if you buy the sheets.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I in no way, interpret buying these sheets as an invitation to bed!!

hey there

<strong>
"you are still in the ballgame".
</strong>

well. hmmm. not sure how I would take this. In fact, my WW dished me out a similar comment in her foggy heydays. she ranted something about "she would like to go va-banque" (a casino expression).
personally I took offense as THIS IS NOT A FKUCING GAME OR IS IT.

but here you are. WS logic! considering the bigger picture: a step in the right direction, certainly. keep up the good work!

I admire your strength & faith,
N

thanks Nick!!

WH has told me he is not going to tell me anything to keep my hopes up, so I'm just going to let this slide by.

Hey, its better than him saying he wants a divorce, right? Especially since he has not said that for 6 weeks, and only that one time, before that it was soon after Dday he said he wanted divorce.

HI GC, the cookie idea was great, very inspiring!!

I think you know where your going now and what's a good plan and what isn't and you always know that if your not sure its best to do nothing until you speak to SH. Always best not to push too hard, that gets them running faster in the other direction than anything. Little steps at a time.

You go girl!!!

Thanks Seahorse!! Post an update on your thread for me okay??

BTW, I did send a card to MIL for her birthday, she's an animal lover as well, and just has a cat on the front that coughed up a hairball the shape of a heart, it was pretty cute, and I know she will enjoy it.

My past cards had said to "mother in law", this one didn't, so I think I was pretty safe.

Things are going well here, but he is responding to the 'light in the bedroom' invitation. He also liked your peace offering, your efforts to establish his mom's goodwill. That is the thing that has opened up this gap in his withdrawal. He understands you need to connect at an emotional level and that is why he is being nice to your cookie package (it fulfils his need for domestic support). But he would loose interest if you do not respond to his invitation.

He comes accross as a very spontaneous, emotional, passionate, adventurous person. You seem to be a very deliberate, unspontaneous, practical person. Look at how you took the comment about his scent at a literal level, rather than the figurative romantic invitation that it is. Then again you took his comment about bedsheets as a pratical literal level, not understanding the romantic invitation it is. Also you see it as 'jumping in the bed' rather than a husband and wife coming together at the deepest level.

Yes you should come together at all levels. You should try to reconnect at all levels important to him. That includes reaching out to his mother, taking an interest in his interest in sports etc. But he sees you a person who cannot be passionate. You've got to bust this image.

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 05:03 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

G_C,

so I guess "Relate" is telling you to become a "Vamp" and to "grab em" when he gets into the house, to then rip off his clothes and throw him onto the bed, then to just show him your passion in the "Scottie" comforter!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Am I misunderstanding or what???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]

take care
bb

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 06:13 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>Things are going well here, but he is responding to the 'light in the bedroom' invitation. He also liked your peace offering, your efforts to establish his mom's goodwill. That is the thing that has opened up this gap in his withdrawal. He understands you need to connect at an emotional level and that is why he is being nice to your cookie package (it fulfils his need for domestic support). But he would loose interest if you do not respond to his invitation.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Relate, as I said before, this is not an invitation to bed. My husband was pretty much raised by his mother and grandmother, has an excellent sense of style and taste. This is one of the things that we have in common, the love of animals, and the love of collecting scottie dogs. In fact, the sheets are flannel, which neither of us do not like anyway, because they tend to get too hot, and really would be for decorative use only.
I know for the rest of his life, if we were to divorce, any type he sees some type of scottie collectable, he will think of me. He loves antiquing and is always picking me up little scottie gifts, even while we have been separated. Even for our anniversary a few months ago, he got me a scottie-related gift.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>He comes accross as a very spontaneous, emotional, passionate, adventurous person. You seem to be a very deliberate, unspontaneous, practical person. Look at how you took the comment about his scent at a literal level, rather than the figurative romantic invitation that it is. Then again you took his comment about bedsheets as a pratical literal level, not understanding the romantic invitation it is. Also you see it as 'jumping in the bed' rather than a husband and wife coming together at the deepest level.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As I described above, you are reading way too much into these sheets!! It is not an invitation!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by relate:
<strong>Yes you should come together at all levels. You should try to reconnect at all levels important to him. That includes reaching out to his mother, taking an interest in his interest in sports etc. But he sees you a person who cannot be passionate. You've got to bust this image.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do reach out to his mom, I do have a interest in sports, love it, which is also his top emotional need (recreational companionship)
Excuse me, Relate, but I think you are way out of line here about me not being passionate. We did have passion, trust me, but the WS feels like they have to "justify" their reasons for an affair, and that is one of the top excuses. You were not in our bedroom, I was.

Relate, since you seem to be the "expert" on recovering a marriage from infedility and obviously know how to read the minds of both a BS and WS, why don't you share your story on how you and your spouse have recovered from an affair and have a deep, loving, and lasting relationship??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by blondblossom:
<strong>G_C,

so I guess "Relate" is telling you to become a "Vamp" and to "grab em" when he gets into the house, to then rip off his clothes and throw him onto the bed, then to just show him your passion in the "Scottie" comforter!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Am I misunderstanding or what???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ]

take care
bb</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BB, I think we are on the same page!!!!

No bb. That is what YOU are saying. What I am saying is to be lightly flirtatious. We'll see how things play out.

BB, you should understand what I write and not what you want to put in my mouth/post. I have never experienced infidelity in my marriage.

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Relate,

then I'm having a hard time understanding your posts. This is what I am understanding when I read what you wrote.
If you wish, please explain this abit more to me. I too like to learn.

Have you recovered??? Have you experienced this in your marriage?? I'm not being offensive, please don't get me wrong. I'd just like to understand what you are explaining. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I'm looking forward to hear from you again.

take care
bb

GC...sorry, gonna hijack your thread for a bit... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (Not trying to speak for ya, either...just interpret...forgive me)

Relate,
I'm not sure I understand where you are going with your posts...I see I'm not the only one. Is it possible for you to clarify your position for us?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, I'll respond to what I think you're saying...but, I'm not sure I'm on target here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

There is a HUGE difference between being passionate and being flirtatious!!!!! As well, asking a BS or WS to behave in a manner that is totally incompatible with who they are as individuals, makes one less true to one's self. This can create stress and anxiety within an individual. How does this help a M??? Change happens when and where an individual wants it to happen. It can't be forced. Remember, we cannot change or control others.

One of the issues that disturbs me is the fact you state you have never experienced infidelity in your M. This seriously affects your credibility. I'm not saying you can't sympathize. What I'm saying is that it's very hard to understand the effect of an A by only reading about it or seeing it 2nd hand. All of us here DO appreciate your support and compassion. We appreciate your suggestions. Fact of the matter is, our M's are very different than yours (are you married??). There is no way that GC and her H can come together at the 'deepest level' at this point. As with everything the timing is not right at this point. Emotionally, neither are prepared at this point. Rushing this will only do more damage. There is also the issue of STD's. One should never, never place their health at risk just to meet another's need. One's good health is a gift from God, it shouldn't be carelessly tossed aside.

As for meeting EN's. GC knows her WH better than any of us. She knows what will 'ring his bell' and what won't. She knows how far she can 'push' him. I'll go out on a limb here and suggest that we are here as 'sounding boards'. If she is anything like I was, she is just making sure her judgements at this point are on target. Frankly, I see my role as supporting her decisions and helping her to regain the feeling that her judgements are sound (maybe help boost her confidence, as well).

Yes, they both need to work harder at meeting each other's EN but, neither should sacrifice who they are in order to please the other. It's about coming together to work together and not about one sacrificing/losing who they are for another. It's about compromise and communication, not self-sacrifice.

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

Nevertheless he wants his marriage to be passionate. If GC cannot satisfy this aspect, he may seek it elsewhere. There's no point arguing with or flaming me.

As I said, I've posted what I have to say, and GC can take it or leave it. At the moment things are going well here. We shall see how things play out.

<small>[ October 12, 2002, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />