Thanks SS.
Although I have been feeling a little low and wonder if anyone will ever want a rel.with me again I know God sees me as a precious child My own father left when I was 17 and in the early days of this split I believe I was grieving for the loss of both rels. My mother went to pieces and i had to be strong which meant I never had chance to grieve and became mature beyond my ears. In fact i am getting the freedom to enjoy myself now in a way i never have before.

The kids rarely talk about the situation with their dad and even Angus hasn't said anything about the 2 w/e we spent together. The fact that his dad and i don't argue, but are very friendly may make it seem rather strange.

I was praying this evening about T and consciious of his loss of so much in the last 2 weeks. I felt God tell me to hold back from contact and let God work on him and bring him to an awareness of his only security being in God. I also believe I should pray for him to lose OW not in order to bring him back to me initially but to take away from him the very last thing and make him aware of God as the only sure thing in life.

Meanwhile this Saturday I have to work while H is here with the children so won't be around for cosy chats and the following w/e is my time out of town with friends. This following our w/e away may also help to bring a realisation of what he will lose.

I always feel as if I do all the talking and no listening to you, forgive me, I hope all is well with your W and children.

Jante

Hi SS back because having problems with son- more trouble at school. School student support worker lives near me and called this evvening as I hadn't got a message she left on answer machine, to ask me to go into school tomorrow as they have problems again with D. It seems that a teacher says she saw D throw a chair down a flight of stairs. he insists at school and at home that he didn't do it. A school friend has agreed with teacher that he did! He has been asked by me and by his dad ( phone call) whether he did or not and he still maintains he didn't.

I am struggling with best way to handle it at school. I want to belive my son, but know he has given me reason to doubt his honesty at times and I find myself wondering why a teacher would say they'd observed it if they hadn't - any thoughts. Please!!!!!

Jante

If he had always been 100% honest then it would be hard to doubt him, but if he has sometimes been less then truthful ( says going to ride bike, then goes trick-or-treating) you almost have to believe the teacher. There are not any cases where have I ever seen a teacher make something like this up, I can't think of a reason they would do it.

I know of one son that ( after he was grown) confronted his father for punishing him ( the son) for something he didn't do. The father said " Well, let it apply to something you did wrong that I never caught you at."

In other words, often they get away with things we don't catch, and it doesn't hurt to error on the side of the teacher. D knows he has not always told the truth, and if you bring it to his mind as to why you support the teacher, he may learn from it. He also should know that it will take many months of telling the truth for him to be completly trusted again. It won't come in a week, or a month.

One man that works with me said he tells his children, I'll always love you, but trust is more improtant than love. If I can't trust you, it will almost seem like I don't love you, because I won't be able to give you any freedom.

D will have to learn this, and it may as well begin now. I know another D that had to learn this hard lesson once a long time ago.

Hope I have been useful.

SS

Dear jante,

I have only 10 minutes, while H is out getting YS from school, but wanted to check in with you. First, thank you for checking up on me - what you and ss have said have helped me to bite my tongue and NOT ask the questions that I feel I NEED to know the answers to. The advice from both of you is helping me to let go and let God, if I can put it that way. H is still very withdrawn, but went to "an appointment" this am - perhaps it was with a counselor, I don't know. I am also aware that through his counselling, he may decide that he really wants to leave me, but I will have to accept that if that is what he wants. I think he will be wrong, but I can't control him.

I can relate to so much of what you are saying, and also ss's experiences. My father also left us for another woman when I was 12, as I think I said before.

From my own experience, I would say that in your position, I would NOT file for divorce - let him do that. My father, after 30 years, still says with bitterness in his voice, that "it was your mother who divorced me!" Whatever he did, he still blamed her for taking the final step to end it, and she also, looking back, regrets taking that step. My father moved out to live with OW. If my mother had not filed for DV after 6 months, he may have finally given up and come home - his home was not permanent, and like your H, he was a faithful weekend father and still enjoyed my mother's company - in fact, a couple of years ago, she was visiting the UK to see me, and her birthday fell while she was here - he sent a card to her, which arrived ON her birthday (he is late for everything) and said "Something special for someone special" - by then they had been divorced 30 years and are in their 70's. My mother knows she made many mistakes, but she does not regret standing up for herself - she wishes she had waited longer - but by MB standards, she had already put up with an enormous amount of in-your-face affair with a totally unrepentant WS. I don't blame her for wanting to end it.

However, I have watched her all my life stay tied emotionally to my dad - she has never built any other lasting R - because she has never let go of him, or the hurt, or the secret longing that he would leave OW. If my H and I separate, I will not put myself through that and waste the rest of the life I have left, waiting and hoping that he will leave OW and "love me like he should". I will minimize contact completely, even leaving the children with a 3rd party so I don't have to see, speak to, write, or hear his voice. It just hurts too much. I know that will be difficult, but that is the way it will have to be. If I offer my H friendship and emotional support, he will take everything he can out of me and give me nothing that I need and I will just end up resenting feeling used.

What I would say is to start living for yourself AS IF you were divorced, and that means practicing your social skills on other people and other men. All you have to say is that you and your husband are separated. You do not have to get involved. But try to pick up the pieces of yourself and put yourself back together so that others can see the beautiful, kind and loving person that you really are, the person your H does not appreciate right now. Look at it as practice for life. Its not to make your H sit up and take notice because he isn't there right now to see - its for you. If you still have mutual friends, your friends will find ways to let him know how you are doing. I don't know about his OW, but the odds are that his R with her will fail. So all the odds are still in your favour, as long as you take care of you, and do not initiate divorce, unless you have reached the definite point of no-return for YOU.

I have to go now, but will check back in with you in the coming days.

ss - if you are reading - I read my thread and thank you for your assessment - I am working hard with the ideas you gave me - I don't feel trapped - will have to get back to you in a few days - no time on computer - have some positive things to say about ME if not about us.

Take care,
LIR

HI LIR and thanks for taking time to reply. I still haven't come to the point of filing for Dv though feel closer than ever today. Still problems with S but the hurtful part is H's attitude to it. Have been into school, S finally admitted he did throw the chair! Agreed certain points with school as to how as a team we will move forward with the situation then came home and rang H to inform him.
I ended up quite forcefully pointing out his failings with his children and the need to spend more time with the boys, I got very frustrated that he can't won't see his actions have any bearing on S's behaviour. Finally left it with telling him that he needed to come up with a plan as to how , where and when he would spend more time with the boys. I pointed out I had never stood in the way of his rel. but had actively encouraged it.

Feeling very tired and stressed with whole situation. Just pray that it may have made him think.

Jante

Hi J,
This is one comment I have a hard time knowing how to deal with.
Although I have been feeling a little low and wonder if anyone will ever want a rel. with me again I know God sees me as a precious child

What you appear to be saying is " I know God loves me but I don't know if anyone else ever could or would."
We have to be careful how we interact here on the MB boards. .......So, because we have to be careful, there may not be a good way to re-assure you in a way that will help you feel better about yourself. Perhaps I will just say I think you need not wonder about this - and I am sure I am right.

I was praying this evening about T and conscious of his loss of so much in the last 2 weeks. I felt God tell me to hold back from contact and let God work on him and bring him to an awareness of his only security being in God. I also believe I should pray for him to lose OW not in order to bring him back to me initially but to take away from him the very last thing and make him aware of God as the only sure thing in life. I have felt to pray for these things also.

I do worry that if you are feeling not to contact him, that you report this next:

.........rang H to inform him. I ended up quite forcefully pointing out his failings with his children and the need to spend more time with the boys, I got very frustrated that he can't won't see his actions have any bearing on S's behaviour. Finally left it with telling him that he needed to come up with a plan as to how , where and when he would spend more time with the boys.

I know what you are trying to accomplish with this. HOWEVER, you may have the most success with what LIR suggests. Communicate through a third party if you need to but don't talk to him. Remember that you cannot make him do things. You want very much for him not to fail as a father but he seems determined to do so sometimes. I believe if you feel to hold back, do so in everything. Let him wonder what is going on, and why no one talks to him any longer.

I am big on communication, as you know, and I have recommended it a lot over the time I have posted to you, but God knows best and if you believe he wants you to limit contact, then that is what you should do.

Feeling very tired and stressed with whole situation.
I really don't know how you have done as well as you have done. I really admire your strength and courage. I know God gets credit for most of the good we are able to do, but you need to take credit for part of your improvement. Please do so without protesting.

I hope all is well with your W and children.Yes, right now it is, and thank you. It is getting on to winter here, and I may even have to wear a coat in the morning when I leave for work. Right now it is still a short sleeve shirt.

J, I think your poem may be more true than you realize. If it seems dark to you, then I hope the dawn is close.
SS

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 04:21 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks SS feeling pretty much a failure as a wife and a omother this evening, and think I may have raised issues with H out of my own insecurities.
Jante

I feel I know you pretty well, ( as far as your motives, and intent) and you are not a failure in either one. I have made mistakes in my 47 years, my W has made mistakes. Sometimes I was to hard on my children, sometimes to easy. I have said things I should not have, I have failed to say the right things when I should have spoken up.

Proceed to the best of your abiliy and don't look back. You will be OK, you really will.

I do have another question for you. Why are you so honest about your faults, and so modest about your strengths? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
You don't need to answer this one in print, but you should think about it, and give yourself credit where it is due. You have come a long way, it has not been easy, but you have kept going even when you thought you could not. Again, don't beat yourself up over things, you will be fine. I believe some of us here have more faith in you than you do in yourself, and I believe our faith is well founded.

SS

Thanks SS- I know I was having a low day yesterday but thanks for your faith me. I am trying hard to see positives in my ineraction with H at the moment but all I see for last week is negatives. The fact that his circumstances echo what got us here is making it hard as well. I am trying not to repeat mistaked from those days. Am pulling back on contact now issue with son is dealt with. Hope you have a great w/e
Jante

J, It is good to hear from you today. It is really nice to know you are still there, fighting the fight. It really does me good, makes me smile.

I know I was having a low day yesterday but thanks for your faith me. I am trying hard to see positives in my ineraction with H at the moment but all I see for last week is negatives. The fact that his circumstances echo what got us here is making it hard as well. I am trying not to repeat mistaked from those days. Am pulling back on contact now issue with son is dealt with.
One of the things I can read into your comments, now and over the last few days is that you can't see a solution to this. H is doing the same things wrong he always has done. Children are hard to deal with by yourself. There are many other factors, I won't list each one. You can't see an end to this.......unless a change is made and you can't see what that might be, sometimes it doesn't seem possible. This is where we let God do his work. When we have done all that we can, and are at our end, it is his turn. Yes, I recommend you let him take over for a time.

I would tell you to have a good weekend too, but I believe you said you would be working and that is seldom much fun. At least think positive thoughts, put the bad ones away for the weekend.

Be of good cheer, you have too much good in your life to let the bad get you down. If it is raining, create your own sunshine where ever you go this weekend, and watch those around you relax in your glow and warmth.

SS

Hi SS- will try my best to have a good w.e. H just rang to say he was trying to get here earlier tomorrow as I have to leave for wrk at 8.30, he usually doesn't arrive until 10.30/11 am and that means leaving the children for lomger than I really like to. As it is he aims to arrive at 9.30- this is in response to my comments about spending more time with the children so one positive. the other was in my interaction with H. He asked if D had said anything about his reasons for behaviour in school. I said he had , but when H tried to discuss them I refused to discuss it on the phone, said I wanted the discussion to take place inperson. Our most negative talks have been on the phone and I decided not to add to it. I will let D explain his reasons to his dad. They centre round our having made him move school so many times and his belief that when he was a 'good, brainy ' pupil he had no friends. Not sure of the full validity of his arguments but I do see that he believes them.
Thanks for your encouragement.
Jante

Hi folks

YeLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK a very mixed day. Some good and some bad!
I went to work this morning and H turned up on time to care for boys, he seemed really positive with the boys and it felt as if he had taken what was said in the week to heart. I came home at lunch time and while I cooked lunch H and S sat in kitchen talking through the situation in the week. I left H to do most of talking only chipping in to prompt son to explain his feelings, or odd comment to reinforce H's points. He handled it really well and I was very impressed. After lunch i had planned to go into town shopping and H asked if he and boys could join me- only one car. I agreed and we went together to look for a new computer. H is in his element advising on computers so we had a good hour together looking. Then we split up he took boys and I went shopping for christmas presents etc.
Back home H worked with son on building a wooden box, great to see them co-operating together, this is the sort of thing I was looking for and really pleased to see. After a lovely meal, we went to station.I thanked H for spending time with S building box, we both agreed it was good for S. Then things fell apart. In the day H had mentioned things at OWs house and I had let comments pass but not acknowledged them. In the car H started to tell me how he had to call emergency dr out to OW last night- I made a polite comment but then H went on to give details. My mind was suddenly filled with a picture of him nursing her and i went to pieces. I told him to not say anything more, I didn't want to hear, he apologised which just made me more upset and I said
" You must think I am the coldest least feeling possible if you can talk to about your g.f to me- your WIFE!"
I also told him he was insensitive and ignorant to think he could chat away about her. I lost it completely. Pulled in to station and H apologised for spoiling a nice day, I said he'd spoilt it well and good. He said sorry again as he got out of the car and I shouted after him- "Sorry isn't good enough!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Left him at the station and wept in car. I feel I have failed to e a loving w in all this but don't know how else I should have handled the situation. My feelings were as raw as 12 months ago.
One other thing I shouted at H in the middle of this was
" I wish you would just go ahead and dv me its obviously what you want!" Not good for someone who wants to rebuild their M.

Well tomorrow is another day as they say
Jante

Well, Well,

What should I say?

I have a hard time thinking you did the wrong thing. At this point I would have to think that saying somthing in anger may have been better than saying nothing. At this point you could follow it up with a plan B letter, but if you do, make it half love letter.

Perhaps it is time to do dark to an extent. I believe if you are going to do it, no matter what the extent, you should do a letter first. He should know that if you withdraw, it is because you can't stand the pain.

One of the reasons I encouraged you to speak up about your feelings right along is because of what happened with this. I have been the kind to keep things inside all my life and then let it out in a big way, as you describe. I have found that if I discuss things when they happen, and state my feelings and why i have them, it prevents the bad feelings later. I know it is hard, after all, he doesn't even live there with you, and it is really a different situation, but the principal is sound in most cases ( applies to LIR too, I have tried to explain it to her also.)

Note, I am not faulting you in any way. I think you have gone beyond what most are able to stand, probably beyond what I could do if it were me.
I just wanted to perhaps explain what I had been trying to get across before..... now that we have an example of what it can come to if you don't talk about things right along. J, I don't think I would have done as well as you have, please don't feel bad about this. Just figure out what you are going to do next and then do it. I also should say that I have done this myself many times, and then had to apoligize afterwards. I don't think you should appoligize for what you said, but you may want to say that you are sorry for the way it came out, and go on to explain your hurt feelings and why they are hurt. I highly recommend it. I would also recommend that you "preach" a little to him. ( usually we say not to do it.) You know, along the lines of " It really hurts to hear you speak of her when you are married to me and ought to be taking care of me, and treating me as a H ought to treat his wife." something like that. there are many other things you could say that he needs to hear. Things like:
Has he considered your feelings?
Does he realize how hard it is for you to remain calm and kind when he is giving someone else the love that ought to be reserved for you?
Does he realize what the boys are saying - thinking about him?
I suspect you would work it much better and think of many more things. Remember, tiis is just suggestions, you should never do things I suggest just cause I had an idea, you should stick with what you feel God wants you to do.

You should not have to take this kind of hurt. I
wish there was something more we could do in addition to saying we are sorry. I know you will be alright but the suffering is still real, and I can't take it away, even if I wish I could.

I am glad he spend time with D, for D needed it.

I don't know much about DB'ing. What do your friends there suggest? Sometimes I wonder if I suggest one thing and they another and you may wonder what to do. I suppose that's one reason I always recommend you pray before acting, He knows much more than I.

By the time you read this, you will already have calmed down. I hope you don't feel bad about what happened, It was time for a change anyway. I suspect you may even smile about it when you think back. I wish you a fine Sunday and hope D wakes up and says "Everyone hurry up and get ready for Church, I don't want to be late."

SS

I have done some more thinking and at the risk or being overbearing, I thought I would give an example of the letter I might write to T, if I were you right now. I don't do this expecting you to use this, I just wanted to show you what I was thinking ( have been thinking for a few months) and perhaps give ideas. If you were ever to use any of this, you would have to change it to be as you would write. Remember that I realize I am just an idea man, and I hope you never do anything I recommend unless you feel good about it. - SS

Dear T,
After you left Saturday night, I stayed at the station in the car weeping for quite some time. I thought about a good many things before I was able to make my way home again. I feel like I want you to understand some of my feelings, and my thoughts.

First let me say that I am very happy about the way you spent time with D. This is exactly what I had in mind when I spoke with you about it earlier in the week. I believe it is what he needs right now, and I thank you for the time you spent, for building the box, and shopping for the computer with us. I believe it was time well spent for the boys. I was impressed with the way you spoke to D about his troubles, I felt you handled it just right.

I want to apologize for the way we parted at the station. I don't know if you realize how hard this last two years has been for me. I really don't know if you care about my feelings but I want to express some of them now. It really hurts me when you speak of OW ( insert name ). I know I was not a perfect wife, but I am still your wife and it hurts to hear you speak of her at all. I feel all the hurt and pain that is natural for a W to feel when her H has left her and is living with someone else. I have tried hard to leave you alone and not speak of her or of my pain when you are visiting the boys, but it is very difficult for me. It seems to me that you still value some small bit of friendship with me, but I long for the relationship that should exist between a H and W, and I don't have that right now. I have wished for the time when perhaps you would choose to return to us, and I wanted that for us, for our family to be one again. You probably believe as I do that it is never best for the children for a family to break apart, but here we are, apart. I don't know all the reasons you have chosen to be where you are right now.

When you got out of the car, you said you were sorry, and I yelled back at you. I suppose I still believe what I said, ( sorry isn't good enough) but my delivery was done incorrectly, and I apologize for the way I said that and other things. Perhaps my sorry has not been good enough either, perhaps that is why you chose to leave, for I know I was not very supportive of you when perhaps you needed me most.

I still wish things were different. I know God wants us a whole family again, I have worked for that end these two years. I wish you could figure out a way to make that work for us, and I really believe you can. I know we can't go back to what we were before, but I believe we could start again and create something new and better.

Please forgive me if I have said things you didn't want to hear, but I needed to get my feelings out. I don't know what to say about divorce. On the one hand, I want so badly for out family to be intact, on the other, I don't enjoy living like this, and I want the blessings of a H and father in our home. I wish it were you but that has to be your choice. Perhaps you have feelings about it you could share with me. Again, I am sorry for the way I said things, but I wanted you to understand my feelings.
Love, Jante.

just dropping by to say...What a GREAT letter!

Thanks SS for both your replies. I really appreciate you taking time to plan out a letter for me and will be printing it out with intention of using elements. I have calmed down and am not sorry for what I said, though perhaps the manner I said it!! I am also feeling that a proper period of darkenss/plan B is the only way forward, but as LIR says on my other thread well and truly thought out this time and adhered to. I have been too quick to accept H's offers and invites in the past. The only thing is he is already invited to spend Christmas Dsy with us and I don't want to go back on that as its for the childrens sake. Will think this through very carefully so I can post an appropriate letter by Wed. Jante

Jante -

I think ss has written a great letter here - but I would also say that it sounds like he took you for granted as a wife and is now taking you for granted as a friend.

He talked to you about OW health scare because it was an emergency and it was stressful for him to have to deal with - so he was relieving his own stress by talking to you about it, without a clue as to how it would affect you emotionally. I think it was entirely appropriate for you to react the way you did and maybe it was just what he needed to hear. You may feel sorry that you exploded at him, but not for what you said - and yes, sorry isn't good enough. I have never said to my H, "sorry isn't good enough" but it is what I feel - when he loses it and gets physical (pushing and shoving and throwing things), sorry isn't good enough - change is the only thing which is good enough.

My H said to me in a fury, back in May, when he was involved with OW2 "If being married to me, and living in the same house to me is not good enough for you, then that's just TOO BAD!" So I said, "well, sorry, but that just ISN'T good enough!" And yes, he stormed out to sleep in the spare bedroom. (He came back that time). I think ss is right - it's better to be honest about your feelings.

I have used a book by John Gray (Mars and Venus author) called What you Feel, you can Heal - in it he outlines a technique for writing a Love Letter - this is for when you have an argument, or something you need to address with someone - "the purpose of the love letter is to express and release all of the negative feelings preventing you from experiencing and sharing the love you feel deep inside" - "write the love letter for yourself, in order to resolve your own emotions and get down to your own love" - "don't defend your position or just explain your point of view: the purpose of the love letter is not to convey information alone, but to express emotion."

Each love letter has 5 parts, and you start at the top and work down through Anger and Blame, Hurt and Sadness, Fear and Insecurity, Guilt and Responsibility, Love, Forgiveness, Understanding and Desire. Always end with Love.

I wish I could photocopy the chapter and send it to you - you should be able to buy the book through your bookstore - I got it here, so I know its available - I have found it very helpful. If you would like, I could photocopy this section and send it to you, but actually, the whole book is good, and reads through very fast.

Is OS a little better now that he has had some "quality time" from his dad? Hope so.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Take care,
LIR

Hi folks yes a great letter- however having given much thought to my situation I'm not sure writing a letter is the way forward. I have sent him so many letters and emails over the 2 years, expressing much of what was written sbove , and every time H treats me in the way he did on Saturday I have communicated my feelings by letter- I think he will actually expect a letter so I have decided not to send one. I have a strong sense still to let go and let God. To keep communication and contact to a minimum. H knows my feelings and the pain seeing him has caused. I had already planned not to spend time with him last saturday but events with son changed that. I am away this w/e and although H has offered to gove me a lift to the hotel I plan to make my own way there. I will also rrange to spend following w/e away. He is then away for a week in Scotland. After that sons bday and Christmas necessitate more contact but will see how God leads in the New Year.
Thanks again for all input and concern, I will gladly take on board any thoughts on the above.
Jante

Hi J,
I agree with you, I didn't know you had written to him so extensively.

..........having given much thought to my situation I'm not sure writing a letter is the way forward. I have sent him so many letters and emails over the 2 years, expressing much of what was written above , and every time H treats me in the way he did on Saturday I have communicated my feelings by letter- I think he will actually expect a letter so I have decided not to send one.
Again, I did not realize you had sent one each time he had treated you badly. I agree that you would do well to avoid something that has not been working.

I know you are considering going to plan B, but you have already agreed to spend time at Christmas with him. I would not recommend the plan B letter and full plan B before that time - if that is what you are going to do. I wonder if OP will be able to meet all needs. Somehow, I doubt it, in fact I feel that she may not be around long. I think you may have similar feelings.

Thanks again for all input and concern, I will gladly take on board any thoughts on the above.

You sound like you may be considering just lessening contact before Christmas and then doing full plan B after that. If that is what you feel is best, I support that.
I worry about you more in plan B than I do him. Forgive me if that sounds odd, I just feel he has been meeting some of your needs by spending time with you. I worry your LB may drain faster after plan B than it has been with contact. I am not really trying to make any point, just rambling. I am wondering if there is something that can be done to keep you strong and feeling good about things in plan B. After all that he has done to hurt you, perhaps it does not matter.

I continue to pray for your family, and I hope you are careful with your feelings and that you are still making progress. I visited a women that attends my church last week on the occasion of her 100th birthday. She is still pretty sharp, but she doesn't quite move as fast as she once did. We asked her what advice she had for us younger people. She told me, " Get all the education you can get, and always do what is right." I had to admit, I thought of you and that is exactly what you have been doing, so I believe you will be OK if you keep on doing it.

SS

Hi J,
It has always been interesting to me how the play of ideas in my mind goes around and around after I read the posts here for a little while. Sometimes I get good ideas while I read, sometimes it is after I go home and have time to think.

It really feels different this time. I used the word upset a few days ago, which is incorrect because you seem calm. It does seem that you are further from him than you have ever been as long as I have been posting to you.

I know that you are going to spend time with friends this weekend, I hope you have a very good time. I have sometimes worry about you, and I do right now. No good reason, but please take care of your self while having fun, and be careful with your feelings.

I see I was no help in getting you replies on your other thread. I still think it wise to wait on official plan B until after Christmas, then see how you feel. You can always be distant between now and then. I wonder how you feel about gifts for him at Christmas time, I remember what you said about his birthday. I don't know what you did last year for Christmas, it was before you came here and started posting.

You have never seemed afraid to communicate here. The last few days it almost seems like you are not telling all your feelings, so, I wonder what's on your mind.

I suppose my biggest question has got to be " can she last until Christmas after what happened last Saturday." Somehow - even though I worry, I sense that you will be all right.

I really ramble sometimes, don't I. I am just voicing my worries about you, and my thoughts. Sorry if it's not to coherent.
SS