Hi and Happy new Year to SS, LIR and all others who read and occsionally post here.

I managed when OW came to my house because I went onto automatic pilot hospitality mode and treated her like any other guest. the difference yesterday was that I was expecting to be able to speak to the boys - via their dad and was thrown when I had to speak to her. however a new day and I am over it. Sons have returned in very silly moods - which i am reading as reqaction to being on best behaviour for 4 days at OWs with dad, and expect they will have calmed down by tomorrow.

Have a great evening and all the best for the future. thankyou friends you have helped make this journey even slightly enjoyable!!

Jante

It may take them a week to calm down !
But probably just a day. I'm sure you will do well no matter now long it takes.

Now the question is what next?

We have encouraged you to plan B, but I don't think you lean that way. I know it would be hard and you worry about the boys and their relationship with their dad. You want to help that any way you can.

I believe you lean to go ahead and Dv him, and some days I would almost believe you would do it yourself, but you have not really said that in so many words. I know you are tired of the way it is.

You have expressed other feelings. Lonely, want companionship, want to share parenting with someone. We need companionship and love, so I feel for you even though I don't know exactly how you are feeling - not having been right where you are.

Would you care to discuss any of these things, or is it too soon?

Ah, come on, I let you rest for a time, didn't I?

SS

Hi SS
"It may take them a week to calm down !
But probably just a day. I'm sure you will do well no matter now long it takes. "

Well SS the eldest boy is generally much more amebnable than he has been for over a year, I had seen him begin to improve before christmas and he is getting better by the day- except sibling like he insists oon teasing his brothers. A is therefore becoming more moody- I just keep comforting myself with the thought D came out of it and A will eventually!!

"Now the question is what next?

We have encouraged you to plan B, but I don't think you lean that way. I know it would be hard and you worry about the boys and their relationship with their dad. You want to help that any way you can.

I believe you lean to go ahead and Dv him, and some days I would almost believe you would do it yourself, but you have not really said that in so many words. I know you are tired of the way it is. "

This is so right SS, I do find the whole concept o plan B difficult to envisage, I don't see how I can do a thorough job without alienating the boys by changing what to them is a comfortable routine. The only way to do it would make it very much 'my fault' in their eyes as their dad is willing to visit here with them and that suits them. I still have guilt issues with filing myself but do find myself drawn more to that at tims. However there is still a small corner of my heart tyhat would like to see H return and us try and restore this m.

I have met someone who i could see as a future partner if H dv's me and though at the moment we are only friends and rarely meet it does make me question an awful lot of what is going on. That said I have no way of knowing whether he would ever consider me as a future partner!!!

This is a new year and the third I have spent simnce finding out about T's a's and so I know the future is brighter than ever- I jy=ust don't know in which way God is leading me.

Hope you and yours have a wonderful New Year.

Jante

Hi J,
I don't know why I identify with your boys so much. I'll be honest, one of the reasons I extended the invitation for the visit was to meet the boys. Having worked with boys for so much of my life, I tend to want to understand them, and see if I can affect their lives (for good) when I am able to do so. Some of the boys I have worked with are now over 30 years old with families and it is always a joy to meet them and see how they are doing. I happened on one of them last week while I was shoping and it brings back fond memories for me of many good times.
I am glad your sons are doing as well as they are, it could be much worse than it is.
So, I believe if we could ever get them for a few days, we could really show them a good time, and they would enjoy it. If you ever get tired of them and want to send them off for a few weeks, I am sure Spencer would take care of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know your feelings about plan B, and I think I understand them. Remember that many who have done plan B have had these same concerns, and have done it anyway. I would realy like to see T get a little bit of an education before things are too far gone.

I don't worry about you as much now days, but sometimes I get - I don't know if they are premonitions, or If I just worry too much but sometimes I get thoughts you may be in trouble, and I pray a little harder for you. So far I have always gotten the feeling you will be OK.

Kind of interresting how we can make friends here, I count you as a friend, and I have never met you.

This new year seems much the same as the old one. I am at work making some accounting journal entries before I close the fiscal year. Work never seems to go away, but I suppose that is good, after all, I have a job.

Happy new year to you also, and I hope by the end of this one that things are not still up in the air. I hope things are much better for you at the end of 2003.

I realize I am just kind of sitting here thinking about life and things, I had better go and finish my work. ( after I post just one or two more times)

See you later.

SS

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks SS for your concern for the boys SS I do appreciate it. Please can you try and make sense of this - any thoughts positive or negative on my actions would be welcome!!
After a 3 hour drive home from dropping my mum home, I walked through the door at 8pm to be informed he would get straight off having spent the day with the boys. He proceeded to collect his things and go out to the car. At that point he never even said if he would be here next Saturday although it is a regular pattern. As he left I noticed a cheque on the coffee table so went and picked it up. He still owes me for the money from the furniture sale which i had agreed could wait for the cheque to clear.)Paid in 3 days before christmas).
The cheque was for the amount he has been paying me for last 2 years for the children and so I went out and waved it at him and asked about it. He said what was wrong and I pointed out that for a start it was £2000 short. He said that his cheque from the house sale had only just arrived!! Mine arrived and was paid in before christmas and is already cleared but I suppose post to london may be slower <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> But I pointed out the money was from a different payment that had cleared to which he replied but I haven't been paid for 2 months. I then told him I knew that but that wasn't my fault and I was concerned with the three children only. But also it wasn't actually the money situation that bothered me but yet again his lack of communication on the matter- as he hadn't even told me the cheque was there but just left it for me to find. I know I probably should have left the discussion then , but being tired from all the diving I wasn't thinking straight and went on to re iterate the need for communication on matters, the need to settle a decent amount of child support and that I had helpoed carry the burden of the past 2 years mortgage payment on previous property by taking a small amount for the children. He disagreed with me and I said if he couldn't communicate with me about the money I would have to approach a solicitor and have them deal with the situation. I left it by repeating yet again the need for communication and then asked if he planned to visit the children again next saturday to which he replied - yes of course. I said-" Another time where you have communicated with me!!" Okay not good MBing at all and I should have learnt my lesson by now.

I feel as if this rel. has come down to dispute over money and I hate it. I only want a fair settlement for the children and I know his change of job has put him under more financial pressure but I didn't choose to be in thsi situation and feel so unsure as to what I should be doing. Sorry for the long vent but I needed to set it down to clear my head!!
Any comments and suggestions as to what next. As I have accused him of not communicating should I email him with a request od which issues I would like him to communicate with me on and ask that he comes prepared to discuss them next week??

From a rather dispirited jante

Hi jante - you're up late, aren't you? I wonder if its snowing up north? My boys are hoping they will wake up and find snow in Kent for the first time since 1996!

I'm sorry you're going through this - the wrangles over money - once again, it doesn't sound like he is able to be "up front" about anything to do with money, even though he knows the money is being paid to you to support the sons you brought into the world together. I'm really sorry to say that - that's the way it appears to me. It also sounds like he will go to great lengths to avoid conflict - leaving the cheque for you to find, saying if you want to dispute it, get a solicitor to communicate with him - in other words, he doesn't want to talk to you about it, and is challenging you to contest him on this. I don't think you have anything to apologize for and I wouldn't e-mail him either.

I'm interested in what ss will have to say about this, because I think he is more clear-headed about what might possibly be going through his head and why he might be behaving the way he is - sometimes I can leap to the wrong conclusion.

But it does occur to me that he might subconsciously be trying to push you into starting DV proceedings. If he can get you to start the ball rolling, he won't have to take the responsibility (in his own mind) for finally severing the marriage bond. My father still says this about my mother "You know, SHE wanted the divorce - SHE is the one who put a private investigator on me, took pictures and everything, SHE is the one who filed!" It doesn't seem to occur to him that she had good reason to have had enough - at the age of 77, he still trots out the line that SHE is the one who divorced him! At this point in all our lives, the whole family just rolls their eyes at him, but he still likes to hide in the shade of that belief. Denial to the end.

So that might be one reason for his behaviour. If you felt like getting serious on this, and feel like you need to let him know he can't push you around where child support is concerned, then I would have your solicitor contact his, just so he knows you are serious. But if you do that, I think you'd have to be prepared to have it antagonize him - if he is in a frame of mind where he is looking for an exit, anything you do will give him reasons for not wanting to stay married to you.

I am glad you did challenge him on it - it shows you still have strength and courage. It shows you have the strength to survive this. I am sure that your boys will respect you for your dignity and courage when they are older.

I also wanted to say - I haven't been able to post, but H is away tonight and I am up late. I have been reading when I could, but couldn't post until now. I think that what happened when your H came to collect the boys for Christmas - with ES arguing and not wanting to go, this is the kind of thing that needs to be happening. I thought you handled that very well. And this is what I meant when I said that H has to face the consequences of his choices in life. Having gone through that myself in my teenage years, I understand exactly what ES feels - having to spend every weekend with my F seriously impaired my social development with my peers - I was not able to "hang out" with my friends at any time out of school and missed all the parties, etc. And I was very angry that I HAD to go to my dad's when it wasn't me who had screwed up our lives. I think my mother should have given us more choice - she was so afraid that we would lose our R with our father that she made us go, instead of giving us the option of saying no even once in awhile. My father, therefore, never had to face the fact that we didn't always want to be with him. Had he had to face that, he may have felt more deeply the consequences of his choices.

So I think giving ES the option of choice, at least sometimes, and then letting H deal with him - let H do the work of trying to persuade him to come visit (don't relieve H of the burden of this) - is forcing H to confront the consequences of his actions.

I felt for you so much when you told us about feeling left out while they had such a good time together. But remember - H and OW are frantically trying to do things to keep them busy so they don't have to have them in their home and deal with their emotions. Yes, they will have good times together, and you will have to deal with them coming home and saying "SHE cooks things differently, and SHE took us there, and SHE bought us this, etc." Sometimes it will feel like a battle for their hearts and minds, as OW tries to woo and impress and buy their goodwill. Maybe she will succeed - but only ever up to a point. I think my father is right when he told me recently, "Sons will ALWAYS love their mother more than anyone else in the world."

I found it painful to read where she told you you couldn't speak to them, because they were not yet through with their supper. I suggest you get a mobile for ES which you give him to carry when he visits dad, and when you want to speak to them, call on the mobile. That is not something the OW will be able to control.

I do admire your courage so much, jante. I hope and pray that this year will bring you even a part of the happiness you deserve.

All the best,
LIR

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Hi J,
I have had computer problems at home these past few days, and finally had to buy a new one today because I never could get the old one to work.

Sooooo, I am behind.

I believe he looks at things from his point of view. That means that he does not understand your point of view. I have a very good friend that is Dv'd. His child support payments are a percentage of what he earns. That means if his wages go down, his payments go down. I don't know if that is common but that may be what T is thinking. He didn't get paid, so you don't get paid. We know by now that he does not understand at all how things are for you. If he did, he would be back living with you by now. I admit that I don't understand his thinking much of the time but I believe he is probably trying to keep from going bankrupt.

As far as the post getting there late, it happens to me here often. I have friends in other cities that get things in 2 to 3 days from anywhere in the country. It takes me 5 to 7 to get things sent from the same city and posted the same day. The US postal service says it really doesn't take that long, but they are in error, as it routinely takes 3 or 4 days longer than they say it does.

Now we should discuss you. I have a feeling that you are not as ready to leave him behind as you sometimes feel you are. I wonder if money is just a way to have a "real" discussion with him - because he will converse with you about things that are not impotant, but stays away from anyhting that is important. ( Well, he will discuss the children, and that is important, I mean about you. ) I am wondering if it is a way for you to interact with him, and also if it is a way for you to try to bring reality into his mind - prepare him for what it will be like if he chooses to D.

Some of the things you are saying, and doing when you speak to him about the money are not usual for you ( at least from what I know of you.) So, I am trying to understand what is going on in your mind also.

I still believe that he needs to know what it will be like, and right now he doesn't have a clue. Have you ever considered plan B? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Think a little bit about what you are doing and why - and I will think some more about him. I always do better if I can think about it a day or two.
It's late for me, and I am going to bed, I hope to post more Sunday afternoon - depending on how long and at what time I visit my mother. Its her birthday tomorrow.
This post is not spell checked or proof read, so I may have more errors than normal. If so, please forgive me.
SS

Hi LIR and SS and thanks again for your thought provoking posts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">get a solicitor to communicate with him - in other words, he doesn't want to talk to you about it, and is challenging you to contest him on this. I don't think you have anything to apologize for and I wouldn't e-mail him either.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">actually it was me who threatened to communicate throught the solicitor out of frustration, but H just shrugged his shoulders.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am glad you did challenge him on it - it shows you still have strength and courage. It shows you have the strength to survive this. I am sure that your boys will respect you for your dignity and courage when they are older.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not so sure that I showed dignity and courage although I did try to speak calmly at the times my memories npow make me out to be a haridan!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I suggest you get a mobile for ES which you give him to carry when he visits dad, and when you want to speak to them, call on the mobile. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thankyou- how daft can I get- my ES hs his own mobile but when they are with their dad I never think to ring him on it!!!! I usually ring on dads mobile but when I had rung the day before he had asked me to phone back on landline so he could put the boys on the speaker phone and they could all hear what I said. I must admit to not being comfortable with that- knowing everyone could hear not just the individual child. the next day i just rang that number again as requested. from now on when they are with their dad I will phone ES's mobile!

SS
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> am wondering if it is a way for you to interact with him, and also if it is a way for you to try to bring reality into his mind - prepare him for what it will be like if he chooses to D. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This may well be the case- it was definitely the issue of lack of communication taht really bothered me not the finances but they are also an issue because I know H's bad record with money. Also my own job ends in march and so I want things in place before then as at the moment I have nothing to go on to. I will register for supply teaching and have been assured there is plenty of work- but still knowing what H is prepared to pay in child support will help me budget.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you ever considered plan B? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More and More <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have typed an email and have a friend checking it for tone, errors etc. before deciding whether to post it. In it I apologise if I have been lacking in communication about what I want and then ask him to outline his plans with regard to child support and visiting the children. I have also left it to him to decide how and when to resond to the issues but asked that he acknowledges receiving the email.
I thank you both for making me think again about what is going on between H and I when we fight over money. i DO NOT want to appear money grabbing and end up feeling very guilty over all this- but neither do I want him to abdicate his responsibility,

Jante

J,
There are too many things going on here for me to comment on all of them, but how about a few?

Communication:
I can't remember you ever really touching on this one specifically. From other things you have said, he has never been really good at it. A letter about it would be good for you as much as for him. One of the purposes of plan B is to set boundries. You need to start getting some of these in place no matter what happens, just for your peace of mind, but also so he can learn some things.

If you know anyone that has been through a D and had the court set guidelines for child support payments, perhaps you could get some figures and use that as a basis for what you ask. Tell him where you got them, and that you feel it is about right and that is what you are asking. When you helped on the Levan property by taking less, you knew some would come back to you when it was sold. But you are right in that now, it is going to OW, and he has a duty to support you and the children, so it is time he learned some things. Don't feel bad for him, what he is doing is not right, and he needs to feel the results OF HIS OWN ACTIONS. You cannot shield him from them any longer.

He is going to be either frightened or angry when he sees what it is going to cost him, but that is not your problem. You may want to go at it from the point of view that since he has said he will D you soon, you are just getting ready for it, then how can he say it is you causing the problem?
It may be you have already sent something, if so, this will turn out to be a good thinking exercise for me. Oh well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As long as you have dealings with him, there is potiental for misunderstandings. I suspect you try and pin him down for details, because it is your nature to want to make sure things are on track. It is his nature to let things go and worry about them later so he is fine letting things go and not talking about them. The two of you will need to come to some kind of agreement as to how you will work out your different natures in this kind of thing. Perhaps you will even have to be as formal as meeting every few months for the sole purpose of working these kind of things out. Remember that logic and reason are more likely to get cooperation from him than being angry will.

I speculated as to why you wanted to speak with him, but as I think more, ( and it was late also, give me a break here) we do get upset and angry with others in life that do not treat us right, no matter if we know them or not. It is a normal reaction to want to know what is going to happen to you, and that's what you were trying to find out about. You said once that you were tired of not knowing what would happen, and that is exactly what you were reacting to. Perhaps you could work that into your letter, and state that you want to know your future.

Future:
I remember a comment you once made about being wanted and loved. ( That is, you wondered about it, and if you would ever feel it again.) I feel this one is one of the last things you need worry about, but I don't know how to communicate it well.
If you ever go out to seek these things again, you will find them as soon as you want them. You know so much now, and you don't need to worry about this - probably you will not need to worry ever again. I am not saying you will not find yourself looking, I am saying you never need worry because if you are ever in that place, you will find what you seek as quickly as you are ready for it. I have a great deal of faith in you, and I don't believe it is misplaced. I believe I have seen too much in the last 6 months to be easily fooled. I wish I could remember that scripture in proverbs.........something like "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."
Many of the feelings you have come from rejection by the very one that should be helping the most, but you are still of great worth.

Think about the feelings you are having and see if you can find a solution that will both help T to see, and not compromise who and what you are trying to become.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, and what you should have. As his W, you should share all of his income, but only with he and the boys. There is probably not a good way to show this to T, but you can try by coming up with a figure for him to pay that is based on what others are paying around you.

Please don't apoligize for your frustration and your feelings. While Christ was willing to endure, it was enduring, not enjoyment. You will be able to get through this, but we don't expect it to be fun for you.

Sorry I haven't been around much, but glad to be back.

SS

Why not see a lawyer to get some info on your rights, and what a court would normally order as child support?

Are you sure he's not holding back the furniture money because he's using it to pay other expenses since he hasn't been paid? Is there any way to check with the issuer if the check has returned to them?

Why not just get divorced and get this over with? Your H shows no signs of coming back- instead he's taking the kids for family outings with OW. Why should he get divorced? This way he can have his fun with OW, free of the pressures of commitment, since "my wife won't give me a divorce". He also has no mandated child support payments. I don't know if it's the same as in the US, where you can go to jail if you don't pay. Maybe a divorce would be a final wake up call. I doubt it, but it at least would set you free, and you could put some effort into seeing if that guy you like might be interested back.

Hi Espoir and SS

SS thanks again for your comments will come back at a later time to add my thoughts.

Espoir:

Why not just get divorced and get this over with? Your H shows no signs of coming back- instead he's taking the kids for family outings with OW. Why should he get divorced? This way he can have his fun with OW, free of the pressures of commitment, since "my wife won't give me a divorce".
A very good question and one I ask myself frequently. So far i just haven't been able to do so- whether because I secretly hope he will return, or out of cowardice i don't know just something holds me back from making the final cut. I know he has his cake and is eating it to a certain extent- hence SS's continued suggestion that I plan B. Will just have to find the determination somewhere to do something!!

Re the cheque-he is using it to love on while waiting for tyhe cheque from the house equity to clear- then he'll give me my share- I don't worry that he won't. Courts would settle the child support if necessary. He has been faithful in paying me each month- just not as much as I should have had but that was by mutual agreement. I think the real problem on Saturday was his lack of communication rather than the actual money . Thats one reason I struggle with plan B - how can I complain at him for not communicating and then cut all communication myself!!

Jante

Hi SS I said I would come back and comment so here I am!!

If you know anyone that has been through a D and had the court set guidelines for child support payments, perhaps you could get some figures and use that as a basis for what you ask. Tell him where you got them, and that you feel it is about right and that is what you are asking. When you helped on the Levan property by taking less, you knew some would come back to you when it was sold. But you are right in that now, it is going to OW, and he has a duty to support you and the children, so it is time he learned some things. Don't feel bad for him, what he is doing is not right, and he needs to feel the results OF HIS OWN ACTIONS. You cannot shield him from them any longer.

I don't know anyone who has ben through a dv who I could ask- but the child support agency in UK have a calculation they do which applies to anyone who approaches them about child support. From my understanding the entitlement is to 25% of net income as I have three children- that would give me almost double what I have been getting on his new salary- ( I would have been entitled to 3 times what I had been getting on his old salary so certainly can't accuse myself of being greedy!!!)

It may be you have already sent something, if so, this will turn out to be a good thinking exercise for me. Oh well.
Yes I have already sent the email in which I asked him to suggest a figure. I also apologised for seeming to go on about money but pointed out it was really communication I was concerned with.

As long as you have dealings with him, there is potiental for misunderstandings. I suspect you try and pin him down for details, because it is your nature to want to make sure things are on track. It is his nature to let things go and worry about them later so he is fine letting things go and not talking about them. The two of you will need to come to some kind of agreement as to how you will work out your different natures in this kind of thing. Perhaps you will even have to be as formal as meeting every few months for the sole purpose of working these kind of things out. Remember that logic and reason are more likely to get cooperation from him than being angry will.

Yes I agree and I know that if I hadn't been tired from the drive I would not have even raised the issue then - I was tired and disappointed about the way he treated me. However when we sit down and discuss things logically we usually arrive at a reasonable agreement.


Future:
I remember a comment you once made about being wanted and loved. ( That is, you wondered about it, and if you would ever feel it again.) I feel this one is one of the last things you need worry about, but I don't know how to communicate it well.
If you ever go out to seek these things again, you will find them as soon as you want them. You know so much now, and you don't need to worry about this - probably you will not need to worry ever again. I am not saying you will not find yourself looking, I am saying you never need worry because if you are ever in that place, you will find what you seek as quickly as you are ready for it. I have a great deal of faith in you, and I don't believe it is misplaced. I believe I have seen too much in the last 6 months to be easily fooled. I wish I could remember that scripture in proverbs.........something like "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies."
Many of the feelings you have come from rejection by the very one that should be helping the most, but you are still of great worth.

Think about the feelings you are having and see if you can find a solution that will both help T to see, and not compromise who and what you are trying to become.
Don't be afraid to ask for what you need, and what you should have. As his W, you should share all of his income, but only with he and the boys. There is probably not a good way to show this to T, but you can try by coming up with a figure for him to pay that is based on what others are paying around you.

Please don't apoligize for your frustration and your feelings. While Christ was willing to endure, it was enduring, not enjoyment. You will be able to get through this, but we don't expect it to be fun for you.

Sorry I haven't been around much, but glad to be back.
Thanks for this last part- it helps me to feel better about what has happened and what the future holds. Yesterday I found myself grinning as I walked round work- for no other reason than I was happy with life. Then later I walked through from getting the boys the supper and looked at them and realised I was content with them on my own - and would find it hard to adjust to having T back on a daily basis!!

I have made it my goal- I will be ok in 2003 and I will be happy.

Jante

Any news on the new kitchen?

I was thinking about the e-mail to H, but if you had a reply to that, you would have said something here about it.

I don't even have a good question today. I must be coming down with something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

Hi SS

No acknowledgement from T about email- so i sent it again to an alternative email address and still no acknowledgement- and of course no contact since Saturday- he could have had an accident for all I know !!!!

Re the kitchen- have had a structural engineer come and take measurements to confirm that I can safely make the changes and the builder is coming on Saturday morning to quote for some extra work I wuill need to have done. i will also go on Saturday and buy the new kitchen and book the fitters to come. All should be done by Easter!! Not a lot to say at my end- peace like a river attendeth my soul!

Jante

Hi SS, just got email from T

He said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You sent your original message to my old email address. I check it only if messages to me seem to have gone missing.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, which I shall consider carefully.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So now I wait again.

Jante

Perhaps you ought to build a "waiting room" instead of a kitchen.

( Just in case it's not the same there, when we go to the doctor, we wait for our apointment in the "waiting room" until they take us into the "examination room" ) I am just kidding, sorry the jokes are so bad lately.

Yes, you are good at waiting by now.
Well, I am glad you have been happy, and that you know you are feeling strong, and capable. It's true.

SS

Hi SS just an update on the money issues and his time with the children.H arrived today , and for most of the day there was no mention of the money issues, though he did discuss and plan some of his time with the children. He was amenable to me being away next w/e and the w/e of the UK DBers meet in March, so that was good. He also wants to spend part of the Easter holiday with them and will let me know when he has been able to book some time off in the summer as he wants them then. He has also noted all other school holidays. As he was leaving to catch his train he handed me a cheque for outstanding amount on furniture sale- the one I queried last w/e. I thanked him and checked he was ok to give it me now. He said he was but that he hadn't deducted anything for removal fees. I suggested to avoid him missing his train we discuss it in the car, which we did calmly. I pointed out there was still some rebate on council tax due which HIS solicitor had been concerned about me getting my share so suggested that as the amounts were probably fairly similar we called it quits which he thanked me and agreed we could. No stress there. I then asked if he was still thinking about the other issue- child support and he agreed he was but would have a better idea after he'd been paid his first salary with his new company-which will Wednesday. We agreed to leave it there. It was a much pleasanter exchange between the two of us- I definitely think sending the email helped.
Have just had a lovely time with my ys telling me all he's been learning in school this last week. Precious times with my children which I would hate to miss.

Jante

Wow, he's been getting a pretty nice deal from you if I understand right? He moves out, pays you 1/3 of the child support you would have been entitled to by law? Not to mention would you be entitled to spousal support?

Now he's got a lower paying job so he's only underpaying you by half? What a sweet deal. No wonder this man would never file for divorce. Lawyers and the courts get involved, child support goes up, less money for his sailing trips and doing stuff with OW... what's in it for him?

Frankly, I wouldn't bother with Plan B because I don't think it will work. It's been almost two years since he moved out. He obviously isn't worried about losing you. Plus you feel like Plan B would be awkward and difficult because of the children. So why put yourself through doing something that you would be uncomfortable with anyway?

Maybe filing for divorce will wake him up- but I doubt it. Still there is a chance.

The reality is that you have the choice of remaining in limbo, his wife in name only, hoping he might wake up, with no legally mandated child support (and receiving perhaps less than you should), but since he seems to be paying for the moment, you seem to be content with what you have.

Or you can divorce him, get a legal settlement, and move on with your life, freeing yourself to the possibility of looking for a new partner.

The choice is yours completely, Jante. Whatever works for you.

I'll say one thing. This guy has not seen any consequences for his actions. He's pretty lucky.

Espoir-

from your signature

In recovery since- hard road but feel like we turned a corner recently and things are GOOD

I am really pleased for you, and this is where I have been aiming to get to in the past. As it is it would be against my whole character to 'punish' him and though I know in my headhe should pay for what he has done, I find it hard to actually do anything that would cause that. Dv is still something I find very difficult to contemplate actually instigating myself. I di appreciiate your concern.

Jante

No, I agree with you that you can't punish him. But has he had any consequences from his actions? Has he lost anything? Has life become more difficult for him in any way?

However, divorce or no divorce (and I do understand that this is difficult for you) the most important thing is that you seem more comfortable with your situation. You have adjusted to life without him, you are standing on your own two feet, you are fixing up your kitchen by yourself (bravo! hope you get your dream kitchen!) and you are enjoying your children and friends.

It also sounds like you are settling up finances and that you are improving your communication about difficult issues. You sound more assertive in this regard- in a good way.

I hope your husband will wake up and realize what he has in you. His choices baffle me.

Married or divorced though, he should be paying you appropriate child support. Even if you can get by with less, you could be banking any extra money for the boys' future- for a car, starting a business or buying an apartment. You could consult a lawyer for information about that- your H really should be following the formulas.

Hope you have some great weekends up ahead when he has the kids & a chance to enjoy yourself.