Hi SS

BTW, when I said trust him to make it work better than you could, I was speaking of God. I believe you probably understood, but I wanted to make sure.

yes i understood but when the mix up with the posts occurred it missed off my last comment. I had tried to say that though I knew I should be able to trust God - I felt as if I was in this on my own and my happiness had come from working on being myself.

Jante

Think about happiness for a moment......even a long moment.

What does God want for us?

I believe he wants our happiness, and that is all he really wants. Because of who he is, and what he knows, there is much he can do to help us find happiness that we don't understand. People in the world seek happiness in many different ways. Some in sailing, some in dancing, some in music......and we could go on and on. I believe that hobbies are an important part of life, but not the only thing. We also seek happiness in marriage, and in children, and in work.
There are differences in what we seek -
There is pleasure or fun. I believe happiness in more than this. Some children find it fun to torment other children. I don't believe this is happiness.
Sometimes raising children is hard work and is difficult. It is however rewarding and I do believe that happiness includes some hardship and sometimes even some pain. I don't believe we can know true happiness unless we know sorrow. How can we learn what the one is without the other for contrast.

You see, God knows the proper BALANCE that we need to be happy. He knows what things are going to make us really happy, and which ones are just going to be a diversion. He knows if you would be happier going back to a relationship with T, or going to another one. Remember that he knows you , and T, and anyone else you may meet or have met better than we know ourselves.

Often we act like we don't want to be happy. I know there have been times when you have suggested something for one of your sons that would have been a better choice only to have them reject the suggestion and make the poor choice. Sometimes we as adults do the same. ( look around this site for confirmation of that.)

When what we know clashes with what God seems to be saying to us, it is often easier to go with what we know, with what we can see. It seems to us a gamble to wait for God when we think we can see a sure thing.

I believe God expects us to use logic and reason to solve our troubles. I believe in almost all cases he supports us in using these to make decisions and he expects us to go ahead and do things based on what we understand.

I also believe that because he has some "facts" that we don't have, he will intervene when we are about to make a decision when we can't possibly have all the facts to consider.

Our part is to have enough faith to do what seems the wrong thing because he has told us differently.

I have always felt your marriage would be restored. Early on I was not shy about saying that. I felt something would happen in Oct. Sometimes I wish I had keep my feelings to myself, because
now it appears that I was wrong. All the facts point to D. I still don't understand what is going on with your situation.

You may need to make some choices based on what you feel and what you know. I can't say what your dreams mean. I don't think that is something I am supposed to do. I believe YOU can find out if you want to know.

I have had so many things happen to me, so many times that I can't doubt. Someday I'll tell some of them to you.

I have come to depend so much on these feelings that come to me that they guide and shape my life. If I listen closely I can avoid every mistake and error. I have come to know that he does know what is best for me, and I trust him more and more over my own feelings, and my own sight. However, some things are still a struggle for me. I hope you realize I am not trying to claim I am any great person, I am just trying to learn how to do what is right. I hope I am getting better at it, but I make far to many mistakes................still.

Many times, what happens depends on how we react to the information we are given. In other words, he tells us what may happen if we make correct choices. It doesn't always go the way we are shown.

I believe you already know most of this, but I recite it to help you understand where some of my comments have come from. One of the reasons I have been so worried is that I could feel your change of heart and I don't want to encourage you in a direction you have made up your mind not to continue. Also, espoir is right, if we use logic, it is way past time for you to go on with your life. There are other helps besides logic, and I hope you find answers to the questions in your mind and that you find peace and closure.

This has been an interesting year. I don't know where you will end up, but I am sure that in the end I will think up some poor joke and destroy all the good I have been trying to do - by making you laugh.

SS

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS
feel free to make me laugh when ever you can think up a joke- it helps at times. Got severe toothache at the moment so laughing is painful but makes me feel better.

I did 2 new things!! I helped facilitate a Living with Teenagers course. I had been very nervous in case nobody came, but in fact 5 people turned up and I know 2 more are coming next week. We didn't want more than a dozen so not too bad!! I also went and put the deposit down on a new kitchen. I'd already been and submitted request to the building control people for the changes I want to make. This is all very new and strange. My mum laughed when I told her I had had 4 men in my house last Friday afternoon- 2 electricians , a structural engineer and a kitchen planner. The whole situation is very new and a little daunting but I'm getting on with the planning and will see it through. I do miss having a partner to bounce the ideas off and share the decision making but am slowly getting better at doing it all on my own.
Also made another major decision in my life. Years ago H and went for fostering training but then I found I was pregnant with my eldest. I have often considered it since but always thought is wasn't the time. Had started to consider it again when my middle son asked me why we didn't foster. After much thought and prayer, and talking with the boys I am going to register and go through the training. If all goes well I will be able to offer a home to some child desperate for a loving family. BIG step but one I feel confident we can do together.

I am making no quick decisions about H and I.

Jante

Hi J,
I hope you are over the toothache by now. If not, you had better get in to see the dentist.

You are doing a great many new things by yourself lately. Speaking in public, changing your home, buying computers, and now perhaps adding a foster child. Have I ever told you I admire the way you are improving yourself? I really should say something, perhaps one of these days I will.

My mum laughed when I told her I had 4 men in my house last Friday afternoon
I laughed when I read it, and BTW, is your Mum still doing well? I suppose she is or you would have said something.

You said once something about your adopted daughter having a child. I never did know how you got an adopted daughter but I think A mentioned her once to Amanda in an e-mail. Does this have anything to do with fostering? If I was to go back on your old threads I could probably find something, but it is easier to ask.

After much thought and prayer, and talking with the boys I am going to register and go through the training. If all goes well I will be able to offer a home to some child desperate for a loving family. BIG step but one I feel confident we can do together.
What a wonderful thing to do. We still have 6 at home right now, so I have not considered it, but with all you have learned, you could really help a child. Lets see if I can understand what the boys will say. A wants it, and cares about helping someone. D doesn't care, and says "whatever" , and C worries that he will be left out.
???
I said that mostly in fun, but you can tell me I'm crazy if you want to.

I am making no quick decisions about H and I.
I know you won't. I admit, I often worry when I should not, and it comes out in my posts. Actually, you should be glad, it means I care about you.

I want you to know - the last big post I did was mostly for me, to recap my feelings and explain why I have said some things over the time I have posted to you. I wasn't trying to say anything about you really, although I wanted you to understand my feelings. One of the reasons I worry about everyone here is that I know how prone I am to mistakes just when I think things are going well. I have W to help me, and many here are alone right now, so I worry.

It looks like I have a wedding coming up in March. Number 3 son is getting married to a very nice girl. I will probably give him a copy of HNHN to keep and recommend he read it at least once a year. Have you got any advice for him?

SS

Hi SS and anyone else who happens to read my thread- perhaps its time I began a new one.

I hope you are over the toothache by now. If not, you had better get in to see the dentist.

I went to the dentist yesterday and hse gasve me anti biotics to clear up the infection then I am to return on Wednesday to have it extracted <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I laughed when I read it, and BTW, is your Mum still doing well? I suppose she is or you would have said something.

Yes my mum is very well at the moment- we saw her at new year and I expect she will visit again sometime in spring.

We 'adopted our d, K as a student of 19. She had just come to know the Lord and come off drugs and was joining a year long evangelism programme in the church but needed somewhere to stay. We gave her a room and she became very much part of the family, so much so that the boys refer to her as their big sister and she calls me 'mum'. When she married the boys were page boys and I wore a 'mum of the brid' hat!!!! I suppose it was like unofficial fostering. She lived with us 18 months. Her own parents announced their split at this time- they had been living apart quite a bit before, and T and I helped her come to terms with it. She now finds it very hard to except what T has done and won't see him.
She now has a d and is expecting again. She once told me that having lived with us she thought we had an ideal marriage- so much so that she had modelled her own on it!!! That did make me feel better from point of view that it showed I hadn't been kidding myself all those years. I hope she has also learned from mistakes I made!! Although she now lives 300 miles from me she still keeps in touch by phone and she, h and d visited over night in the christmas break.

A wants it, and cares about helping someone. D doesn't care, and says "whatever" , and C worries that he will be left out

How well you know my family. Spot on with D and A, C's only concern at first was that he would have to give up his room and share with A but having been promised a new bed just likes A's new one he is happy about it. I will make sure he continnues to get plenty of cuddles from me whoever comes to stay.

It looks like I have a wedding coming up in March. Number 3 son is getting married to a very nice girl. I will probably give him a copy of HNHN to keep and recommend he read it at least once a year. Have you got any advice for him?

Congratulations to s on his wedding. As for advice- 2 pieces - don't take each other for granted and don't work away from home for long periods!!

Well shared a lot tonight. Hope you are all having a great w/e

Jante

Hello J,
How did Saturday go?

I can't recall you saying just when you would take your next weekend away, but I don't think it was this one. I also don't remember you saying anything about H not coming so I wondered how it went and if anything out of the ordinary happened. (If you did say something and I just have forgotten, then my W is right, and I am getting senile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

I suspect not much happened, and I probably say this too much, but if so, you would have said something.

I am sitting here smiling, and can't think of much to say. I like to encourage, but you are doing so well, that you don't need encouragement very much these days.

It being late, perhaps I'll turn in. I have been working on scanning a few photographs tonight for a project I am working on, and I have posted to a few people while I have been "resting."

SS

Hi SS, very quiet saturday, no I didn't go away. I will be away the first w/e in March. Yesterday H didn't visit as he had to work. I spent the day packing up books etc ready for a week on Monday when all the work starts on the house. D spent the day with friends at a BMX centre practicing his jumps, A went to a friends for tea and a sleep over and C and I had fun together. Had one conversation by phone last week with H- due to problems with email and he need to sort out A's birthday party. H had been just going to email me but I had o ring him. Otherwise no contatc between visits as usual from hi. I really think its a case of out of sight our of mind!!

Hope you get the photos sorted for your project.

Jante

Hi

Just had a conversation with H. Started with him returning my call about various things that had to be worted- his collecting all his things that are in my loft, whether he could come for D's school parents evening and such like. I am also considering getting rid of 7 boxes of theological books as I am running out of space to keep them, and rarely used them, T was the one who used them but sent them with me when we moved. I asked how he felt about it, and was surprised when he was very hesitant. Hes decided to go through them and keep some for 'sentimental ' reasons, and some of the more up to date ones!!!
Then I asked about his Burns night celebration with work and he chatted on for a further 10 minutes about it, and work, I eventually ended the call. I can only surmise that OW wasn't at the house!!

Feels a bit strange now- I was laughing and joking with the old <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> H.

Jante

I thought of a question for you.

If he had said today, "I am going ahead with the D, and things will be finished in about 30 days, what would you feel. Would it be relief, that your ordeal was over? Would their be anything else?

SS

SS if he said that yesterday I would probably have sighed with relief, but after our conversation tonight I would probably still be disappointed. I still haven't let go completely though some days I feel as if I have.
Jante

I have a hard time saying anything but what I have said all along.

I hope some day to meet all 5 of you ( plus another if you foster.) I hope I can shake T's hand and tell him he made the right choice.

I haven't heard you say anything about bad days lately. I know they still come from time to time. I want to tell you again that you have friends praying for you, and friends that care.

I hope you are very happy today. I hope the kitchen project goes well, and that you don't have too much stress over it.

You never say much about your sisters. Have they given you much support in your troubles? I have wondered how they view you after you helping to raise them.

Thank you for the past few posts and the news. I really don't get into this kind of thing with others, but I enjoy knowing your family even if only a little bit. How does pepsi manage to get along with the cat?

SS

Hi SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I hope you are over the toothache by now. If not, you had better get in to see the dentist.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Back from the dentist with a very sore mouth having had a tooth out!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Yes i still have the odd bad day when I feel low and wish I could have adult company that was for me! But they don't occur very often anymore. Have invited my mum over at half term break so i can have some adult company.

My sisters have been supportive especially my middle sister- she lives near me and we often get together for shopping oor theatre trips. Her H has also been very supportive.

Yes, the dentist.........

The one I had as a child was not very nice to me, and I stayed away a long time as an adult. I didn't go for 23 years. Finally I had a filling break apart and come out and I went in and had it re-filled. The new dentist is very nice to me and he found 2 more teeth that needed work but only a little bit. ( I take better care of them now then I did as a child.)

I can imagine that you have a hard time talking, and I can see D using it as a chance to argue with you about something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Sorry for your pain, but I believe you will be feeling better by Saturday.

I am leaving tomorrow afternoon ( Thursday) on business and probably won't post again until Monday. That will give you a rest from having to listen to me go on and on, and you won't have to answer any questions for a few days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Lets see, I don't leave until the afternoon, so I may post Thursday morning if I have time.

I am glad you do things with your sisters. I am glad your mum is comming to stay for a few days, and I hope you get a good visit in with her. (or is she watching the boys while you travel?)

I wish you would send us some of that rainy weather. We are still in the middle of the biggest drought in recorded history for our area.
We have clouds today but no rain.

I bet you won't be having steak for dinner tonight. The less chewing the better for a few days.

SS

<small>[ January 29, 2003, 02:10 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I hope you have a very nice weekend. Indeed, I am praying that you may. I expect to hear great things when I come back.
Did you ever make a decision about running for PM?

SS

Hi ,No I will not be running for PM- too busy with running my own family to run a country!!
No contact with H since Tues- back to the same old ways. Have just had the second of my living with Teens course- less people tonight but that could have been the threat of snow ( Thanks Matt for sending it after ken asked!!) Getting quite excited now at prospect of a new kitchen and cloakroom. I'm making MY mark on my home!!

One positive over the last 2 days. My sullen grunting 14 year old has suddenly developed an interest in discussing news items with me!!! I'm just so thrilled to be having conversations with him again!! Some of this course is obviously rubbing off on me!!

Also had tooth removed so back to sleeping normally- life just gets better and better!

Jante

Hi SS hope you had a great trip.

I hope you have a very nice weekend. Indeed, I am praying that you may. I expect to hear great things when I come back.

If only!!

H came and did pack up the boxes in the loft that are his to take back to London with him. He was very distant all day and though as the day wore on he chatted a bit more was cool compared to the phone call earlier in the week.Whwen he prepared to leave he made no mention of my monthly cheque - he has in the past always left it for me on the first w/e in a month. So as he left I asked- his attitude all day had been so distant I was concerned as to what was going to come. He apologised for forgetting and went to fetch his cheque book from the car- and then returned saying he'd forgotten it but would go and get cash out of a bank. I asked how much- as the bank normally only allows a limited withdrawal. He said " well what do I usually give you?" Duh- this would have been cheque number 21 since he left and he still can't remeber!! I have never had to tell him before. I calmly pointed out that what he usually gave me wasn't the amount we should be talking about. He then said he still hadn't had a 'normal' months salary. I asked if he wanted me to approach CSA to get a figure from them but he said he would rather keep them out of it. I pointed out that even if he hadn't got a poper months salary - he knew his annual which is 3x mine and so could have a good guess at what it should be. At that he said he would go and get all the cash he could out of the bank. He reurned about 10 minutes later and offered me £550 - and said "Will that do!" That is substantially more than normal- though probably still not what he should be paying. however I was left feeling mean. I said it was for him to decide what he wanted to give me, but to remember that we were in this situation because of his decisions and that I objected to being frugal in order to support his life style. I'm afraid I also accused him of burying his head in the sand and ignoring issues when he didn't like it, told him to stop acting like a child and be a man, and to decide a time to discuss the whole issue so we didn't have to repeat the conversation next month!!!! He then counted out £400 and gave it to me- £50 more than before. I have accepted that and will await his discussion.

Thinking about it afterwards I feel as if this is a battle we have had over and over. I can only see 2 180's that would change the situation and possibly the outcome- I finally give in and file for dv. He hasn't mentioned it recently but this is more of his head in the sand enjoying the status quo with nothing legally agreed on finance or child visitation etc. Or I never mention the issue again and let him pay me what he wants when he want

Not sure where to go from here. Am I being too mean and selfish, or to soft on him.

Jante

You are too soft on him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi J,
nice trip, no snow or bad weather and I drove 600 miles, so that part is good.

Go ahead and approach CSA. Pretend like a D is going to happen and proceed as if it were.

It sounds to me like you did well in the conversation. I agree with espoir.

I also am glad to see that you are helping others with questions on their children. I believe you are doing very well with this, and have valueable advice. I always said you were a smart gal.

My question today is what do you think you ought to do? Don't you have an idea of where you want to go with this?

SS

Hi SS almost missed this post as I had started a new thread. Thanks for your response and kind thoughts on my childcare abilities.

My question today is what do you think you ought to do? Don't you have an idea of where you want to go with this?

Yes- I think I want to go for a dv! I have done what you warned me might happen - left it too late for plan B. Having had a half hearted stab at it twice earlier H wouldn't believe me should I try again and I still would find it hard to hold out about him not having access to MY home. If I go for the v- it might just wake him up as he never expects me to file, but I am at the point where I hardly care. I don't want to only have money conversations with H which is the way it is heading. The one thing holding me back is a fear that it has been a lack of faith and prayer on my part which has prevented God bringing H home. That makes me hesitate- the thought if I hold on just a little longer!!

Not sure- will seek legal advice at least about the maintenence and take it from there.

Jante
ps my own Pastor wife feels I have done all I can and am justified in going for dv and being free for a future with a partner

J,
I see the new thread, but I thought I would let it alone for a time and see if others would post to you.

There are many things you can find out without doing the final action. I can't think of any reason why you should not find out everything you can find out.

I have been fasting and praying yesterday for both you and LIR (and your husbands.) I did again today because I felt one day wasn't enough this time. I believe you will find out what you need to know. Remember that God expects you to do the best you can with WHAT YOU HAVE. He doesn't expect you to be perfect today. Keep praying to know what to do, tell him flat out that you don't want to make an error and you want to know the right way. Keep gathering information about everything, the more you know the better. Don't doubt your own effort. Unless you are holding out on us and not telling us everything then I believe you are doing as well as you can do.

I don't know anyone here that is perfect. I know that SS is not, I think highly of you but I suspect you are not perfect either. I believe you will do as well as you are able to do, and that is all you can do. I hope you have some faith in JH. I do.

SS

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>