Hi Sharon,
Thanks for your kind words of empathy and caring. It means so much to me. The A has cost me far more than I ever imagined. I lost a friendship, my 'best' girlfriend's 19 year friendship over the A and her disapproval. She didn't know about it until after the separation, either. No one did. Even after I broke it off, and showed remorse, she still wants virtually nothing to do with me. That was truly stunning to me, as she's a very Christian person. So be it. Previous to a few weeks ago, I hadn't been invited to my own brother's home in over two years. My children and their dad had been , but never me. (And I mean alone, of course I wouldn't have expected them to invite OM) I am not wanting sympathy, but just letting you know that I have paid consequences amongst friends and families, and it's nice to see that some people are forgiving.

Thanks for your empathy, but I truly feel you are being far too nice with me. I got myself in this mess, unlike you who didn't ask to be in it. But again, I appreciate your caring and concern.

It means a lot to me that you can sense the burden I carry. I have cried, sobbed, gone on and on to ExH, to no avail. He just doesn't seem at all moved by it. I did this sobbing , begging for forgiveness just a few months after DDay, but no caring at all about my feelings of remorse.

Yes, you're right. I need to forgive myself as God forgives us. I think I need to do that, to feel better about life in general. At times I feel truly desperate about what I've done.

You're right, H is in withdrawal. I truly have begun to wonder if he ever loved me at all. IT seems here that so many spouses can forgive, do they love their spouses more than mine loved me? It just makes no sense to me, that he is so cold about the whole thing.

I must say that a few days ago , after Sunday evening's 'visit' over taxes---and after my cry, I did have a sort of epiphany, if you will. I thought--Gosh, here you are, a basically decent human being who made a horrible mistake. It's the first time in my life I've lied, and it was a doozy, for sure. But I thought, you're a decent person, you're a valuable human being--flawed, yes, but valuable. I thought--I've had three children w/this man, I've now supported myself for two years, I've been able to keep the home and be self-sufficient. I'm okay--and this man sees me as no one he even wants a cup of coffee with. I then actually thought, "Who needs it?" I won't beg for his love anymore. I don't need that in my life. IF he wants to love me, so be it. But I won't beg anymore. HOWEVER , on the other hand, I quite frankly feel I would do ANYTHING to be married again, especially for the sake of our kids. So...I guess that was a nice, normal sort of vent--but if the truth be told, I would do ANYTHING, and BEG again if need be. Does that make sense?

You said in your last post to me,
"I think H_P you will also get to this point.
Where you know you have done all you can do. And you can truly say "I did my best". And accept the outcome of your hard work to make up for your mistake. "

Maybe I know what you mean by that, although I am not at that point yet!

Hope this all makes sense,
Thanks again for your help,
H_P

Hi H_P,
Thanks for your response on this and my other thread. I asked you some Q's there.

You and I think my H wonder how I can be empathetic to you and him in this situation, and be so "nice".

Well I will tell you exactly why. Because in all my soul searching I KNOW I could have done the same thing. I have no doubt and I would have been as foolish and fogged up as any. That's my secret. So don't feel like I am coming at you from some weird angle. I just am treating my H the way I would want to be treated. I have done some horrible things in my life, things I am truly ashamed of. I have longed for forgiviness and received it. I just know the miracle of forgiviness. I LOVE my H. I don't care what he does to me. I love him as the person he has been and the person I know someday he will again be.

I am glad you had that epiphany, I feel much the same way you do. I would also beg and plead if I thought it would do any good. I know it won't. So I have to do the only alternative. Make my life the best I can no matter my circumstance.

Take care H_P.

Sharon

Hi Sharon,

It sounds like you're doing better. I read your thread a little while ago. It's harder for me to post here on the weekend as my eldest is around, and I don't have that much 'privacy'.

Thanks for your empathy, again, and for admitting that it could have been you, too. I think that part of the dilemna for my exH is that he truly could never believe HE could have done this. I don't think he could have, or would have--he is not swept away by emotions like I am. I wish I weren't this way, but I have learned a lot in the past few years.

It's beautiful that you still love your husband. It seems that the love mine once had for me is gone completely.

He came early last night to pick up the boys for the weekend. The five-ten minutes he was here while they gathered their things my exH never even had eye contact with me. He initiated no conversation, and when I was showing something to our daughter he walked out of the room and ignored me completely. This is how he is, treats me like I am sub-human. I know I made a huge mistake, but I seriously question WHY I would even THINK of returning to someone who is so unforgiving AND disinterested in reading about marriage recovery after affairs, etc. It seems he's more interested in being alone. As I told you before, if he had said to me right after D DAy, "Let's work on it, dump this guy." I would have done it. It's like he didn't care. Maybe I am wrong in thinking this, but at times I say to myself, "No wonder you had an A--look at how cold and unemotional, detached this man is."

Thanks for letting me vent! Any thoughts are welcome. It feels good to vent, and I am sure I don't really MEAN half of what I say!

Have a fine weekend,
H_P

PS Yes, you're right--the epiphany was the right one to have.

Hi H_P,

I have the same problem with "privacy". My 14 yr. old D thinks that I am on some weird web-site and that all my friends here are lecherous old men out to get me. LOL.

I know the feeling you are talking about. I am beginning to wonder too if my H is worth all this. As I have said before the A was a wake-up call to me, as to what I wanted (family together, my H with me) but I have to truly admit that even if he did come back and wouldn't be willing to change some of his behaviors, it wouldn't work. I don't know if he would be willing to work. I would, but he isn't really the type. He likes things easy.

I am kind of down and sad today. It was S's last football game. It was hard without H we used to go together. I could feel his hand in mine. I missed him today. A lot of my life now involves things that he was never around or involved in, but when I do something we did together IT HURTS.

I sent him a newsy e-mail yesterday and he responded. I threw in that I had been asked out!
And that it was scary. IT IS!!!!! I'm not going.
Anyway I couldn't believe his response. He wrote "I am glad you got asked out. I had no doubt. You're HOT. Don't be scared you'll be fine."
WHAT???

At least he thinks I'm, hot. BIG DEAL. I wrote back that I didn't think I was going to go. That I thought the guy wants more than a DATE, and that in my 'condition' that would be DANGEROUS!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> This is the truth. I

I think you might get my 'condition'. It's been awhile.

I don't know H_P, about your H. I think, and this is just my opinion, PLEASE don't take it wrong, that you should look past your guilt. The feeling that you must do ANYTHING to right your wrong. And see if you REALLY want your H back. I know this is an MB site but like they say BOTH parties have to be willing. I think your H is still angry and hurt and that it will still take awhile, but, are YOU going to make it with him if he won't change. As I said I am saying this because I am questioning this myself now.

I hope you also have a good weekend. Thanks for all your help. UR the BEST.

Sharon

Thanks, Sharon, for your kind reply. I have been thinking hard about it the past day. There is much I love about my exH, but I certainly don't miss his detached manner. I hate to even say this, but there were times in our marriage where he was super-detached, it was incredible. It was always kind of like he just didn't care too much at all.

Sorry you felt down at your son's football game. It must be hard for you to do all of this alone. I sure hope and pray your H moves back to your area, even if your marriage doesn't work out. It just is hard to do it all alone.

Sounds good that your H still thinks you're hot. As I said on the other thread, I don't think he really thought it was so 'great' , at all, that you were asked out.

Yes, I do get your 'condition', too. I'm in the same one here!

You said,

"I don't know H_P, about your H. I think, and this is just my opinion, PLEASE don't take it wrong, that you should look past your guilt. The feeling that you must do ANYTHING to right your wrong. And see if you REALLY want your H back. I know this is an MB site but like they say BOTH parties have to be willing. I think your H is still angry and hurt and that it will still take awhile, but, are YOU going to make it with him if he won't change. As I said I am saying this because I am questioning this myself now."

I will think long and hard about what you said. I have sometimes asked the same question myself. It is just so hard to throw all these years away, and do this to the kids. I just feel it could work out and be better than ever IF both of us tried. But as you said, both must be willing, not just me.

I will post more on my 'main' thread about an issue I'm not sure to handle.

I did have a great weekend with my daughter. She's the best!

Take care,
H_P

Hi H_P,

I wrote a reply to you on my other post. Don't you hate this condition!! I do!! I don't want to become some s3x-starved maniac. I don't believe in it outside marriage. YIKES!!!

I am glad you had a good weekend. I will check out your other post. I do think you are sounding stronger and not so down. That is a good sign. Take care.

Sharon