Mortarman: Oh boy. If only marriage 'training' before marriage was guaranteed. The ironic thing with me and my H is that we were leaders of a Pre-Marriage workshop at our church. We were leaders for 6 years!!! And..we were very good at it. How ironic that my H left me. It was like he never listened to anything he 'taught' the whole 6 years we did it. We counselled and 'educated' many, many couples, because we did 4 sessions a year. We covered everything from conflict resolution, to honesty, to financial..to..you name it.

It's quite embarrassing really as that's one of the first things people referenced when they found out we'd split up.

But..I like to think that if we helped even one couple have a better marriage it was worth it.

Kimmy...

Exactly the same here. My wife was active in the church, Crisis Pregnancy Center. We talked about bringing in pregnant girls into our home during their pregnancy. We were always held up to others as a marriage to emulate. Not that we didnt have problems. But even the problems were laid out for everyone to see. No, many people have come to me after this to say how astonished they are that my wife would even think of doing such a thing. That she would just throw her vows to God and her faith away. Even the words out of her mouth now are not her. She says stuff like her and God will get it back together later, after she figures things out. That he will bless a new marriage to the OM...after all, He is a forgiving God.

That more than the adultery is what has shocked me. She has always been closer to Him than me. And now, she doesnt even fear Him. No fear of what He might allow to reign her in from her destructive path. She thinks Christ is just going to have to bless anything she does, and have to accept any marriage arrangement she decides, even though God specifically stated that only He can break apart a marriage. How foolish. She knows better!! But the fog even clouds their relationship with God. It has to...otherwise, they couldnt do what they have done! I mean, while I was in Bosnia, she got the OM going to church (he is a heathen) and she is very concerned for his salvation. Well, that's nice. But what about her own? HHmmmmmm....let me stay in this relationship, care for and marry a man that I am committing adultery with. That is what Christ wants <SARCASM>. Like I said...she knows better, but in order to do what she is doing, she has to reorder reality, the past and the future. Truth is what she says today...and it is different from yesterday.

Funny how her gripes and complaints about me since I got home & the reason she says she still cant come home) change constantly. I have not changed what I want out of this. But she will say it was my controlling attitude. Next day, that I am abusive (controlling). Next day, I dont listen. Next day, I abandoned her. And so on and so on. It is always a moving target. We BSers are constantly chasing criteria for their return, when in fact, most of the time, what they are saying has NOTHING to do why they havent come home. Sure we have things to work on. But most often, the problems they present are superficial...a smoke screen.

The reality is they can no longer see reality, they are confused, and are trying to make sense of where they are. That is why Plan B works so well. It gets you out of the line of fire, so they are stuck with the OP and have to make sense of it all finally without a scapegoat. And, invariably, in 98% of the cases, that relationship doesnt make it because the WS has to accept the reality of what they have done, and the fact that their spouse is not a monster. Then, the healing can begin.

So, I know where you come from. I am embarassed right now to be seen anywhere with my wife. Not because of the adultery, but because she continues in that, cntinues to undermine and destroy this family and humiliate me. That is why I refuse to see her, talk to her, or go anywhere as a family until she has decided to be my wife again. Then, I will proudly walk down the middle of mainstreet, no matter what the gossipers say, and profess my love for her to everyone.

In His Arms.

Hi Mortar,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Funny how her gripes and complaints about me since I got home & the reason she says she still cant come home) change constantly. I have not changed what I want out of this. But she will say it was my controlling attitude. Next day, that I am abusive (controlling). Next day, I dont listen. Next day, I abandoned her. And so on and so on. It is always a moving target. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WS know what they are doing is wrong, they do it to try to justify their behaviour. I know, we don't understand it. They can only do this so long, and eventually, even they see the silliness of it. (The question is when).

When she receives the paper, who knows how she will react. It could shock her into reality and wake her up to what she is losing?

It could push her in to the arms of OM. They will have to face the consequenses of their actions. After all VA law is different than where I live(no fault). So she will have to pay the price for her actions. I assume if you retain custody, she will have to pay you child support, so all that extra money she was going to make will not be as much as she thought.

I think that at this point, anything you do, she will not see it clearly. When she comes out of the fog, then things can change.

Good luck to you

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Thanks Sue....I agree. Thats why I have proceeded as I have. But of course, we always second guess ourselves.

Have not called her in 6 days. Havent talked to her since Friday (when she called and I accidentally answered). It is tough. Even when I was in Bosnia, we have always talked. Even though the affair was going on behind my back. We have always been best friends. Over the past ten years, we havent gone more than 4 days without talking or seeing each other. Now, I am working on Day 3. I wonder how long it will take Plan B before she starts to wake-up (if she ever does fully)? You're right, the paperwork may just shock her. But my guess, at least initially it will cause her to move away from me (and MAYBE towards him...still not sure that she is ready to commit anything to him...I have my intel and my reasons for that). But my hope is that she will remember how things were when they were good, our first 8 years of marriage, and when she cools down, begin to fully see what she is losing. Having the kids with me will also exert pressure on her, especially with the holidays coming up.

Keep praying. There are several ways I can see how God could work thru this. Of course, He'll probably come up with a way I never thought of.

Trying to stay strong and keep the Plan B going.

In His Arms.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mortarman:
[QB]
Keep praying. There are several ways I can see how God could work thru this. Of course, He'll probably come up with a way I never thought of.

[QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mortarman,
I read through this thread with great interest. Your great faith has given me hope. I will try to have as much faith in my situation as you have in yours.

Having given you that praise and encouragement, I'd now like to kick your butt!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Number one: OF COURSE God is going to work this out in a totally different way than you could imagine. THAT'S HOW HE WORKS!!! In fact, that is pretty much a promise in scripture I was given for my situation....II Samuel 14:14 says that "God Himself devises ways for a banished person to no longer remain estranged from Him..."

Second point I wanted to make was that if you are in a full-blown Plan B, did you write your WW a letter stating your position and why? I believe it is ESSENTIAL to do so...in order that the WS understand fully what you are doing, why you are doing it (to protect your love for them), and that they understand what it will take to reconcile (NC with/om). Without the letter, I believe they misunderstand the actions you are taking for revenge and spite (accusing you of keeping them from the kids, etc.).

Hang in there, lots of us are pulling for you (and praying, too!).

God Bless,

Lupolady, thanks for the reply.

On your first point...yeah, I know. Isnt it wonderful He doesnt follow our plans. If HE did, it would all truly be a mess.

Second point, letter was written and sent. not sure she will fully understand, especially when she gets served custody/divorce paperwork this week (see posts above). I have wanted to call all weekend to make sure she understands that I am still here, still committed. That the paperwork has to do with protecting me and the kids until she decides that she wants to be part of the family again. But, alas, I am in Plan B, with a communications shutdown. So, I will rely on the Holy Spirit to talk to her and get through to her.

Trying to hold on. Starting tomorrow, this will be the longest we have gone without contact in 10 years. It is tearing me apart not to hear her voice or see her, even more than what the affair and betrayal has done.

I just pray that God gets through to her before it is too late. Maybe it already is. I guess that is my unbelief coming out. But I will stay His course. He knows best!

In His Arms.

Just a quick question for everyone...

I am in a full Plan B...no contact. But, if for some reason, either by phone or in person, she talks to me (I AM NOT contacting her for any reason), how should I handle it? Plan A her? I dont think that will work because she knows I have shut down everything. Tell her that we arent supposed to be talking until she makes the committment to come back and send OM packing?

Trying not to be the a****** here, but at the same time, remain true to myself and the plan.

Any suggestions on how to handle unintentional contact?

In His Arms.