Last year, I had an affair with an old friend. I ended it over 10 months ago and have not seen the other person since. I cannot bring myself to tell my SO because I am still very in love with him and I want our marriage to work. I am so regretful of what I did and now I am living in this personal world of self-hatred. I cannot stand that I did this. We have such a wonderful marriage and I am so selfish for acting this way. What can I do?

I am so sorry for what I have done, but I don't need anyone to beat me up for it. Believe me - I beat myself up enough on a daily basis. What I really need is advice from people who have been in my shoes.

Any idea as to WHY you had an A?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I ask myself that question ALL the time. I don't have a bad marriage and my husband is a terrific guy. The truth is that I always had lingering feelings for this other person and he did for me. It was unfortunate that we got back in touch and one thing led to another. When I was in the A, I started to feel like I was in love with him. But I knew I would never leave my husband. I really don't know...I think I might just be a pathetically needy person who craves love. I think I just got caught up in the romance and passion of the whole thing.

Re,

My WH picked up a copy of HNHN in the waiting room of a Drs office. He liked it so much he bought a book for me and for him; so we could work on our M.

A few months later he told me about his A that he had that ended 4 years ago. He couldn't live with me not knowing. He saw how it was hurting our marriage. There was no fixing it until he started with the truth about the A.

I admire his courage finally. It took me a long time to get to the point where I felt this way. I'm not so sure I could have done the same.

I'm glad he doesn't have to live with the burden of his secret any longer. Unknowingly it was seriously affecting our relationship.

We're in coaching with Steve Harley, and I suspect we'll be "graduating soon" and be each other's coaches. It has not been easy; and we're not done yet. Although we both regret the affair; I am grateful for the opportunity to do the work that needed to be done and take responsibility for my part in the marriage that allowed the affair to happen.

We're mostly beyond working on the "affair part" of the relationship. We're heading down the road to creating new habits that will make our relationship great. Hope this perspective helps, CSue

I'm surprised no one has told you to read the MB site thoroughly yet. You really should.

All I can tell you is I wish I had told my wife very early on about my first "straying" and I wish she had told me. It might have ended the marriage right there, but at least we'd be in a different place now.

If it's eating at you, it will eventually ooze out and sour your relationship. I don't advocate honesty for the sake of honesty. Sometimes, I really think it's just as well to shut up and color. But in your case, honesty will ease your pain, and hopefully allow you and your H to move forward. And it could save you from the potential "Guess who called today, Dear?" from you H. Those lies don't go away. They lay there like snakes, and eventually, they pop up.

As for your self-esteem issues, find a good counselor. Before the issues overwhelm your marriage.

Chorus,

I know you are right. I know the best thing to do would be to tell the truth. I can't decide whether I am hurting him more by not telling than if he knew. I will never see this person again and he has no interest in calling me. But you are right...I do live in fear of that phone call. I feel like a person living on the lamb...always waiting for the floor to drop out beneath me. I know I would feel relieved if I told him...but how would he feel? Is is selfish of me to tell him just so I can feel a little better about myself.

I feel like I have created my own hell and now I have to live in it all alone.

I know I need to seek counseling. I guess this is the first step.

Keep talking ... you need to explore your behavior more deeply. Try to avoid easy responses like, "One thing led to another."

What is your philosophy on marriage? What does marriage mean to you?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

"It was unfortunate that we got back in touch and one thing led to another."

How did you two get back in touch. What happened? A chance meeting? A school reunion? A call to just say hello? How did this begin? Who initiated the first contact and why?

Then ... ask yourself this .... what self talk did you use to convince yourself that getting naked with this man was OK? Did you say things like, "I deserve this." or "No one will ever know." .... What did you tell yourself as you moved the relationship forward into inappropriate areas? What drove the voice telling you it was OK?

There is alot you are not exploring.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

There have been many stories here always showing that it best for the wayward spouse to be honest and open with their spouse concerning their affair. The secret you keep is like a cancer that eats away at your marriage and self-esteem.
The fact is that you are still disrespecting and humiliating your husband by not being honest and open with him so that you can rebuild your marriage on a stronger foundation. The more you read here the more you will hear from the betrayed spouses that what really killed them was the spouse not being honest with them. Ask yourself what you would want if the roles were reversed? You will never be able to respect yourself and you are still disrepecting your husband by not being truthful.
Do the right thing for yourself, your husband and your marriage by being honest and stop the deceit once and for all. I wish you luck.

We had been in touch off and on for years. He would call me, I would call him, etc. Our conversation was friendly, but always had a flirtation to it. Last year, we began to email. He mentioned that he would be in town, so we met for a drink. I had not seen him in many years and thought it would be fun to catch up. When we saw eachother, it was instant attraction all over again. I could not stop thinking about him. He started to visit more and more and each time, we got closer and closer. We began to speak and email almost daily. I don't think I EVER told myself it was OK. In fact, I never thought it was OK. But I knew the feelings I had for him were real and strong and I let my passion and physical needs override my convictions. I know I am a weak person. It definitely became an addiction that was VERY hard to break. I think now that he fulfilled a part of me that is probably lacking in my marriage. My husband is my best friend and we are a very good balance for each other. But like many married couples together for a long time, there has been very little romance and physical love in the past few years. My husband rarely initiates sex with me and I guess it felt good to have someone desire me in such a strong way.

Re,

My husband is a truly wonderful guy. His work in finding out why he had the affair and what to do about it now gives him peace instead of the self-hatred you mentioned. His committment to make himself a better person/husband and his plan of action regarding this has helped move him from hatred to peace.

It was dishonesty/secrecy/guilt that was killing him and I didn't know. He had hoped that by working on the questionnaires in HNHN it would be enough for our marriage. The more he read, the more he realized that in order for us to reach our full potential he needed to be Radically Honest with me first.

When he did tell me I was stunned. I didn't think that in our marriage an affair was a possibility. The hurt/betrayal/anger was intense. I am so relieved to be this far down the road to see that our marriage could survive.

I wish he would post to the forum. He has learned so much I know what he would say would be beneficial to others. He still has too shame to face posting however.

Hopefully other WS will be helpful to you. Good luck! CSue

double post sorry

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Regret .... Secrets kill marriage.

What did you tell your husband about your long term off and on communications with this fella?

In what way did keeping this a secret help you move forward all the way to a physical affair?

Secrets kill marriage.

If keeping little secrets led to your affair ... keeping this BIGGEST OF ALL secret will make your marriage MUCH WORSE.

Secrets kill marriage.

Secrets kill marriage.

Secrets kill marriage.

Get help. Your secret is killing your marriage. Counseling. Get help.

Things will get worse with you until you do something to let the air out of this BIG OL' MARRIAGE - KILLING SECRET!!!!!!!

{{{{ hugs }}}}

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Dear Regret

C-Sue referred me over to your thread. I'm a WS. I had the EA that nearly destoyed my H and my marriage but with hard work and dedication, and a few years of really making huge changes, the marriage has been saved.

If I can help you, please let me know how. You are in a tough place. I was there. It can be a very dark and lonely place that eats away at you daily.

Until you are able to come clean, it wil haunt you daily. My husband found out what I was doing and the day he did, was a BIG relief to me. I was so out of control and so far gone, I could not get out of it.

He saved my life and together we saved our marriage.

My name is Zoey. If I can help, I will be here for you.. I hang out in the RECOVERY forum.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 04:18 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Zoey,

Thank you for your message and encouragement. I am definitely in a very dark place. I try everyday to put it out of my mind and give my H a lot of love. The ironic thing is that things between us are very good. There are times I forget it ever happened. But it never goes away. I love him so much and it kills me not to tell him.

I am still very confused. This is the first time I have ever even spoken to ANYONE about this, so it's all very new. It's like opening a new wound.

It is encouraging to hear the stories of other people in similar situations.

You are very welcome. You can do a search on my member number. Read my first post. It might help you.

Personally I don't think you should keep it from him. Come clean but don't take that for gospel. You do what you feel is the best for your situation but the longer you keep it inside, the more it will eat away at you. I know your scared to tell him, scared of the outcome but how long can you live like this. What if he finds out somehow, someway? Then what? Then how will he take it. That is what made it worse for my H. That HE found out, not that I told him.

Remember. What bad things go on in the dark, always come out in the light..eventually.

Praying for you. I know your scared. Just weigh all the options. Come here and READ READ READ. Ask any questions you have

Here to help ya
Zoey

R

One more thing.

You say your marriage is great. Your both so happy at home.

How happy can a marriage be that is based on a lie? How happy can you be if you had to go elsewhere to have the missing link fulfilled? This is not meant to sound harsh, only to make you think. If things are so great at home, this would have never happened.

Please don't fool yourself on this one. There is something very wrong at home. Living with your H based on a big lie is WRONG. You will never be at peace until you get that wrong made into a right.

I hope you are doing okay. I think that a person that willingly confesses to their spouse about something they did wrong is taken much better then finding out some other way. It will still sting like bee and they will be shattered but when the storm settles, they will think about it and say "Well it took alot to come tell me and that is a good thing"..

Just my opinion though.

Zoey

I guess I am not in a place where I can see what might be wrong at home. I think that because I am the one who did wrong...I feel that my H is like a perfect angel. And for the most part, this is true. I really could not ask for a better person to bein my life. The honest truth is my H is wonderful and the OM was wonderful. I love them both. But I would never leave my H for the OM....too many people would be hurt.

I do know that the physical side of my marriage has not bbeen good for a long time...but that is no excuse.

I don't know. How can I love my H so luch, but still have feelings for this other person? What is wrong with me?

How do you think your H will react to finding out? I ask this because I am a BS that wishes they never knew. If I was married to someone who was a habitual cheater,yes, I wouldn't want to be in the marriage, I would definately want to know. My H went through his "life crisis", slept with OW once, and then wanted out and wanted back everything he then thought he had thrown away. I wish he would have been strong enough to find help,do some soul searching on his own and figured out the reasons for this behavior on his own. The effects on me from his infidelity have been horrendous. I am not saying not to tell, I am very much in the minority on this subject, all I am saying is first consider what this will truly do to your H.