JL,
I've thought of a few scenarios here, but I will wait to see what you have to share.
ALL.
I am trying very hard to take time off and step back from XBF. Right now, I am getting really lost in my feelings of doom and I'm trying hard to stay optimistic. It's really hard to be this way when he has RAGED more than ever and basically cut total communication off from me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I know that this is normal, but it is still a hard place to be.
I realiize that he and "J" have now "deepend" their relationship, and he views me as a threat to that. I think that this is why the RAGE and ANGER have surfaced more intensely than before. I know that a lot of his resistance to me stems from the feelings is experienceing in this "new" relationship. I remember how desperately I clung to that when I found OP because I believed that it brought me back to life after feeling so completely empty in my depression. Maybe I'm being judgemental here, but it's helping to give me strength to believe that there's still hope for us.
It's a hard pill to swallow but I'm trying hard to suck it up, and stand in the sidelines. It's all very painful, but I know it is necessary for him to go through this, just as it was necessary for me to go through what I had to. I can only stand by and let nature take it's course. I will be there for him if he needs me, but I will no longer try to get him to see me for who I am. That will happen naturally, over time. I love me, and I know that deep inside, he does too.
I've come to accept that we both didn't know what we wanted and that's mainly why we stayed together and unmarried for so long. I believe that it took this kind of trauma to get us to start to look at what we had. I chose to leave because I truly felt that I was only a place holder in his life. I think that once his experience with "J" ends, if ever, he might gain a different perspective of how I fit in there. Then again, this could be wishful thinking.
I still wish very much that we could begin to work together at solving the problems in our "r". I know that lately I have been beating myself for all of my "faults", and this is just not healthy. I can't go back there and "fix" all of that. Just like he can't "fix" his. I just nedd to LET go and LET GOD, as they say in the 12 steps. I'm confident in the beliefs that I hold, and I know that at some point in our future, He and I will address all of this. That will happen when he's ready to forgive.
On the brighter side of things, I went to see the Condo and absolutely FELL in LOVE with it. I put down a security deposit and I'm waiting to hear back from the Landlord as to whether or not they've accepted me. I walked in there and had the feeling that I was "HOME". It's been a long time since I've felt that way. (Just received word, They rented to someone else <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) When it rains, it pours.
I look at all of the pain that I've been feeling over the last couple of weeks, and I'm realizing that I am crossing another bridge. It's really scary to do it, but my new life is waiting and resisting this is only bringing me more pain.
HP - To address your questions. I really received no "REAL" parenting at all. I was basically left to raise myself from the time I was 5. Dad was a child molester/rapist/alcoholic and MOM did the best she could. I hold no ill will to anyone, but I think in some ways I was the most damaged because I was the youngest. Not only did I receive abusive attitudes from my parents, I was also VERY emotionally abused by my siblings.
Boo - Would it suprise you at all to tell you that this was the product of a REAL AUTHENTIC SHOTGUN WEDDING? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
In some ways I see that I have been "running" away for my whole life. I suppose looking at from this perspective, it's a wonder that I had made it as far as I did before I completely broke down. I do owe a lot of my growth to XBF because he provided an environment that was protective enough that I could heal.
Part of the "Problem" with that was that I outgrew my dependancy on him, and that caused a real conflict in our "R". He didn't know how to deal with my independance and I was fighting so hard to become whole that I saw his resistance to it as "controlling" and "condeming". I think for him, it was hard to see that he could not "fix" what was severly broken in me. I needed to be on my own, (Without someone else) to be able to meet KILY and truly begin to heal.
I'm only sharing this because I feel it sheds an important light onto WHY I want to go back and "heal" this "R".
I'll write again when I feel more optimistic. I need to go and cry.
Thanks for listening.
<small>[ November 15, 2002, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>
