<<<<You said that you had no expectations.......yet you expected your H to be remorseful and if he hadn't been than you wouldn't have been able to handle it.>>>

That's not what I said. I said that when he came back I had no expectations, I didn't know what to expect. I was an emotionally drained mess. I did have hopes though. As far as remorse, he showed that when he walked through the door to move back in the final time. He literally got down on his knees and told me what a horrible mistake he'd made, how sorry he was etc. etc. That's what kept me going for awhile, knowing that he was sorry. At the time I might have taken him back regardless of whether he seemed really remorseful or not (though I'm not sure, by then I was pretty much at the end of my rope) but if I hadn't seen the remorse it wouldn't have lasted.

<<<A question..........How long should one show remorse? That's an individual decision too.>>>

I don't know. We pretty much tried to get back to normal, as much as possible, as soon as possible.

<<<I wanted to know that he was doing things for me...because he loved me....not just because he felt bad about what he had done.>>

Of course. But at first it was a combination of things, it takes awhile to settle back in. My husband did feel bad, but I could also tell how much he loved me and how thankful he was to be given a second chance. When he moved back in that last time he was practically giddy. he was really afraid that he'd used up his chances and I was done with him.

<<<<The badgering comment I made wasn't meant to say that some or all of us do badger our WS's.........but alot of the time the WS sees it as that. Especially when the same subject is brought up over and over.>>>

Well, not all of us talk about it incessantly. We really "talked about" the affair exactly once. The night he moved back home (first night OW called me). After that we never spoke of it again. We did speak of the OW afew more times over the next few months because she wouldn't leave us alone. But the discussions were brief.

<<<You said that you made everything as easy and desirable at home......but did you also have boundaries?>>>

Absolutely. We'd already had a revolving door and I was sick of the whole mess. He knew that if he walked out the door again it closed behind him forever. No more chances. He also knew that any renewed contact with the OW meant big trouble because there wasn't room for 3 of us in the marriage. My doormat days were over by then.

<<<<The amount that the BS expects........it's possible that the WS isn't capable of measuring up in that department.>>>

Like I said, I didn't know what to "expect" but I knew that I was happy with what I saw. If I hadn't been, well then we probably wouldn't still be together.

<<<<Trying to point out that the BS and WS have different views....as every man and woman do.....and that what WE consider just is not always what the WS sees as just.>>>

And that's where you have to weigh your options and decide what your needs are. Some people are willing to settle for a lot less and some need a lot more. When he moved back in I didn't have a laundry list of "We must achieve this and that by such and such a date." I was way too exhaustd for that. I did have afew boundaries (No OW contact, leave again and we're through) but other than that i figured we'd take it as it went.

<<<<That being the case.......are most BS's willing to throw it away because their WS's don't see it "our way"?>>>

The WS threw it away first. When it came to final reconciliation I wasn't obligated to do anything. After all the hell I went through I didn't want to "settle". Seeing it "my way" wasn't exactly asking for a lot. No more cheating, no more lying, keep the lines of communication open, focus on the marriage. That was pretty much it. It is in hindsight that I can really see how important the remorse was to the big picture. I never said or thought "He'd better be begging for my forgiveness if he wants to come back blah blah... or else" But that's the way it turned out, and it really helped me to be much more open to rebuilding our relationship and trust.

<small>[ October 29, 2002, 09:25 AM: Message edited by: fairydust ]</small>