Mortarman: My H has been gone 4 months next week. I am not looking forward to the holidays as we created so many family traditions that there will be alot to miss. On one hand I understand the point about my H having to miss out but on the other hand it's hard to deny everything because you want the kids to have as best a Christmas as they can this first year. I would love my H to come home as my present, but I don't think that will happen. It's hard for me too, as I have no family in the area and so our family, and my H's parents were it for me at the holidays. It will be a sad time for all of us.

I do know I've done and am doing my best and yes, if my H doesn't come home I'll always know I tried my best. I must admit though..even the thought that he may ever come home can be a bit frightening, because if it ever happened you'd wonder if it was because we all of a sudden didn't want them and so we became a challenge, and do they really want to be home.

My H just phoned our kids to say goodnight and has fun plans for them tomorrow. Of course. All he has to do tonight is look after himself and then take the kids for a fun day tomorrow. He wasn't here cleaning up, doing laundry, making meals, etc etc..he just had a fun overnight stay at some friend's cottage and now tonight just does whatever he wants. Doesn't seem fair, does it. He's the one in the wrong and he is just having a great old time.

I continue to keep the faith. It's all I have left to hang on too.

Feeling depressed today. My H came early this morning and picked up the kids. I stayed in the bedroom so I wouldn't have to see him. But..I could hear his voice, and that was almost as bad.

I feel down because I think of all the things I done the last 4 months and none of them seem to change his feelings at all. Any Plan A stuff I did made no difference, and I'm convinced that Plan B will probably make no difference either.

I've been thinking about our years together and the changes he/I/we went through. I know he was happy with me for years, but I think probably I was enough for the first half of his grownup life, but now he's 41 and come 'into his own' (I take alot of credit for that as I always complimented him, was proud of him, encouraged him, etc) and he even says I made him who he is, but I think that now he's in the prime of his life and has decided that I'm not who he wants for the second half of his life. He's decided he wants a different type of life/woman and it's not me. I don't think he meant this to happen..but it has and I think that's why he's closed down totally to me and I don't think he'll come back to me emotionally.

He has his kids, great job, very good looking, women like him, he's athletic..and I think he is now embarking on his 'new' life and so I was great for those past years but he wants something different for the future. I think he probably wants a different look of woman too. He's always liked blonds (his boss is blond too) and I am not blond and I know alot of the women he likes at work are totally different looking to me and ..blond, and I think he just wants to be one of the 'beautiful people'..if you know what I mean. I've never been part of the 'in' crowd and I think that's what my H craves now - to be part of a crowd like that. I think he's willing to give up his morals to belong to that group, which is my opinion consists of shallow people, with no real depth to them. So..I think I was very good for him but perhaps that's why nothing phases him about me, because I'm no longer what he wants for his life.

Anyway, that's my feeling today.

Hello? Anyone there today?

Who are you looking for? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope you are doing well.

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Anyone...like you! Thanks for writing. Hope you're doing okay too.

Just felt down and no one had responded to my last two posts.

Hi Kimmy....i got your email this morning and was glad to hear from you. Was sitting here thinking how i got my H to turn around. Wish i knew that there was a magic spell i could give you to turn your H around too. I know i did a really good plan A, only LB once or twice. That was mostly R talk when he didnt want to hear it. If you feel you have done a really good plan a, than i would say move to plan b, but remember NO CONTACT whatsoever. Get a friend to be the mediater. I didnt have to go to plan b, but what i have read about it in SAA, it makes perfect sense.

If you want to maybe give plan a another couple of weeks, and really dive right into it, like just double up plan a tactics, and then go to plan b. The whole idea of plan b, is to show the WH what life would be like totally without you and the kids. If you have your doubts about what you have been doing he isnt going to miss, than i would plan a a bit more and really show him.

I am not really that experienced to give you advice, not like some of the other posters here. I guess i was lucky, my H made a turn around so fast. Mind you i dont think my situation was a servere as some here. The OW was married, was only here on holidays, left to go back where she lived (which was 3000 miles away) and then the only contact they had was through computer. He was also at home, which allowed me to meet his EN's, compared to what OW could acheive through computer. My H only had a total of 4 weeks actual face to face contact with OW. So i guess it was easier for him to get over her.

I spoke to my H this morning, told him about you, and he said, well we are all a-holes. I said i never once thought you were an a-hole, just that you were going through a MLC. I could have said yes, you were an a-hole but that would have been a LB.

I am so thankful for the people here and the website, i truly beleived it saved my marriage. Every day i pray to God for answering my prayers and that he led me to MB. Talk to you soon, take care Kimmy....A/C0810

Hi..on my lunch..too busy to go out so while I'm eating I'm checking out the site! Thanks for your reply. Feeling down today still. I do feel I did as best a Plan A as I could without going nuts. As I feel I'm been emotionally devastated since February, it's been hard, and the breaking down of my children this past month has basically been the last straw for me. I could no longer Plan A. I needed for my sanity (as mentioned in previous posts) move to Plan B because Plan A wasn't working, and I know part of moving to Plan B is to retain some love for your H, that was another reason. I was starting to hate my H for what he was putting me and the kids through..but mainly the kids.

I feel he doesn't miss me at all and Plan A didn't change that. I am really working hard to do Plan B and haven't seen or spoken to him since Wednesday night. I won't see him tonight and tomorrow night when he picks up the kids I will make sure I'm not in the room.

I also packed up some of his stuff and he will see that next time he's there and I feel that the only chance of him missing me is to see that I am 'serious' when I say I'm accepting his decision and that's why I'm doing no contact. If there's any hope of him missing me, this will be it.

If you all read my last couple of posts, I explain how I feel I'm just not 'it' anymore. He wants a new life and I just don't fit what he's decided he wants.

To be honest I am preparing myself mentally for the fact that he may not miss me. It's been almost 4 months and I feel it will take him a long time to 'come out of' whatever crisis he's in.

Input from you and anyone else is really appreciated! Thanks!

Well..still depressed. My in-laws were here briefly tonight. They went to see my D at karate and came back for a short visit. They're talking about my D's birthday on the 20th, and what's going on at Xmas, etc., and I can't even answer them. I've asked my H to discuss at least our D's birthday and he just ignores my notes. He's ignored the letter I wrote him last week about the separation agreement and discussing how he'll get the rest of his stuff, and he's also ignored 2 e-mails and a voice mail about the kids' schedule for November. How frustrating!!

I told my in-laws that I would love to tell them what's going on, but as my H is ignoring my notes I'm afraid they'll have to contact him directly.

My H already called our kids tonight to say goodnight to them and didn't ask to speak to me at all re the calendar, so I'm getting very frustrated. After tomorrow night there is nothing booked for the rest of the month.

Is he waiting for me to contact him again??!! And what about the separation agreement? Is he just stalling, hoping that I'll take on the work because I get fed up of waiting?? I just feel really ticked off because of his whole attitude.

Plan A definitely didn't work, and Plan B doesn't look like he even cares if he has contact with me. What can I do to get him to follow through on what he wants..ie the separation, without doing it for him??!

And do I just keep e-mailing him about the kids and the other stuff I asked him about in the note..ie..house stuff that decisions need to be made on?

This blantant ignoring me is horrible.

Hi Kimmy, I want you to know that you will be in my prayers..I know exactly what you are feeling...my WS also left us...our sistuations sounds similar, I mean the way our kids responded and how the WS seems to have no remorse...I didn't see my WS changing either...this is very hurtful...I tried Plan A and B and I can't tell if either worked..he is vey hateful toward me and I really don't understand why? He acts as if I was the one who caused the separation. Anyway, I just want you to know that this behavior of our WH's seems the same...I do however know that God can mend and restore our marriages..the hardest part is having patience while he do it...I hope you feel better tonight..at least you know that there are others here who is having the same issues...we know that it's not us with the problem, but the WS.

Hi. Thanks for your response. I just feel so frustrated because he's just totally ignoring me. I'm not the one who wants this, but I am the one with the house, the bills, and the kids, and I work fulltime, and so it's very frustrating when he won't even get in touch with me when he's basically got no responsibility. He has the kids tomorrow night, but it's just like a 'fun' sleepover for them.

I don't know what happened to my H. This is not the man I lived with for so many years. I pray every day but now I've changed my prayers and ask God to help my H fight against the evil that's taken over his body. I don't have any other explanation for it!! This man and I were always so happy that our morals were the same. What happened to his? And the fact that he just doesn't seem to care about our kids emotional upset is just so frustrating. He was also a devoted Dad. Don't understand it. Tonight he told them he was buying some 'cool' computer games for the computer for when they come over. Like that makes up for him abandoning them!

Today I'm depressed but also angry at my H because of this blantant ignoring of me. How can I keep strong for myself with Plan B and still move forward and accept the separation like he wants when he won't follow through with paperwork and packing. It's so hard.

Kimmy, I feel you..my Husband is doing the same exact thing... you know what I did? I packed all his stuff and told him that he needs to get it so that I can make room for other things...he came by and got it, but never said anything...you know..I do know that when I am not contacting him he finds a way to get to me...I know all the frustration you feel because I am too at that point!!! I am so sure that this is a bad attack from the enemy and he is using our husbands to try and break our spirit...when he can't get to us he uses someone who can..but we both know that God has the last word in this no matter what...So on a positive note...it really is not our husbands and if we stand we will come out victorious...All I can say that maybe there's a lesson for us to learn also in this...I am just stilll asking God to reveal it to me...but, regardless of our situations, we will come out on top...because we both have God on our side and therefore the ememy will not win!!! If we keep praying and can the faith that God is going to restore our marriages..we will get through this...remember, darkness is ALWAYS exposed, and will be exposed to our WH's....I hope this gives you the hope that you need...KEEP PRAYING..OK, and don't let no one talk you out of believing what God has in store for your restoration of your marriage and WS.

Well, since my last post, there have been some changes in me. My post on Monday was one of depression and sadness and hopelessness. On Tuesday morning at my work, my H sent me a note about this weekend's schedule. Said he wasn't available for the kids as he had plans. I responded that this would be the 3rd weekend in a row he would be away, and I was really hoping to have at least Friday night free to have a friend over and rent a video and have a drink and catch up. Was there any way this could happen as it wasn't fair of him to keep making plans and I would like a break.

All of a sudden I get a response back, but it wasn't meant for me. Obviously, instead of hitting the forward button, he hit reply and I got the note intended for someone else. In it he was saying these horrible things about me, using bad language, explaining to his 'friend' how I was now messing him up on purpose, etc., etc. It was a horrible note and obviously sent to someone 'very close'..if you know what I mean.

It was like I'd been hit in the face with something, and obviously my H realized what he'd done because all of a sudden I kept getting these messages popping up saying my H was trying 'to recall e-mail'. I bet he was! It made me feel sick, especially with the lies he was saying in the note about me, and the fact that he was sending my personal notes onto someone else who obviously was someone close.

Anyway, on my lunch I decided to go see him. Now, I know this isn't Plan A or Plan B, but I felt ill and had to do it. I tracked him down and confronted him about the note. He said it was none of my business, and the person he sent it to was 'someone he confides in'. Right! I told him I didn't appreciate the lies about me, and his lies and attitude towards me the last 4 months and how I'd had enough. We basically had a blow up fight for a good half hour and at the end of it he just said the usual cruel things to me about how he didn't miss me ever, and he'd left me because of all the sh*t he'd had to put up with the last 15 years. It was awful.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I had a terrible afternoon back at work, and ended up breaking down. The girls who work with me were very good but I ended up with a huge migraine and had to go to bed really early that night as I was just devastated. I think the last 4 months just came crashing down on me.

That night I prayed to God to show me some light and how I couldn't take any more hurt. I couldn't handle any more pain and could He help me.

When I woke up yesterday morning I felt good. I think I had an ephiphany of sorts as I realized during the fight with my H that I had worked my butt off for the last 4 months for nothing. I could do no more..I'd done it all and it was time to stop and put the focus back on me so I can move forward. I felt great all day and again all day today, and my H even sent me 2 nice e-mails today about our kids, and we talked very maturely on the phone to book the kids' schedule for the next month.

So..it's obviously time for me to let go and realize that my marriage is over. At least for now. Maybe forever..who knows, but I can do no more. It's been a very free-ing feeling and I no longer feel the despair every day. I hope I can continue to have more good days than bad. I've decided to view my H as a very good friend as opposed to my H who's left me. And, whoever he was corresponding with can have him right now as far as I'm concerned..lies and all. I wouldn't want him back right now anyway, as he's not in a healthy place.

So..good right now. Hope it continues!

Hi Kimmy,

I just spent forever replying to you and then my message got eaten...suffice it to say you hang in there. You are doing great. I am sorry it took seeing the extent of his fog poisoning first hand. But sometimes that is what it takes to say enough.

How God works in mysterious ways...the errant email.Wow.

Anyway I think you should start making a schedule for you and the kids. If he wont avail himself to be consistent then you have every right to alot time for yourself and your kids. You are all living life too, you all deserve respect too.

As for your husband, I said before...he should be careful what he wishes for he just may get it...well here it is. The people around him will soon see his irrational excuses for what they are...i.e. mean kimmy making me a cheesecake...the nerve...youre darned if you do darned if you dont.

He is taking happiness and throwing it away with both hands. This is his doing, where you go from here is yours. You deserve happiness and kindness...go get it.

By the way if you ever want to prove to me what a wretch of a person you are I will gladly accept a cheesecake any day of the week... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hang in Kimmy...the rollercoaster isnt over yet but atleast your now in the drivers seat. Way to go Kimmy.

ayslyne

Ayslyne: Thanks for your response. Too bad the other one got eaten!

The way I feel today is that my H and I are over. I honestly believe that unless he has extensive counselling I wouldn't take him back, and as it would be months, I will probably move on.

I know I will always love him, and I'm not saying our M is over for ever...but it is definitely over for now. I've done alot of soul searching the last couple of days, and I realize even when he was at home, I've been the one who put in the most work to make our relationship happy, and I also gave up alot of myself to make him happy. To be honest, I don't know if I'm willing to give up myself ever again. I have to be 'true to myself' and I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that with my H even if he came back and had counselling.

I'm also afraid inside that once our children left, and it could be under 10 years as they're 10 and 11...that perhaps he would want to leave again then? I'm just right now moving on. Re the kids...we did do a consistent calendar for November and part of December and we've agreed to JOINTLY work on the separation agreement.

I am very sad this has happened, and my H did tell me today that he doesn't consider our 15 years of marriage a waste of time. I don't either but I must say my gut tells me we are done. I know God works in mysterious ways, but maybe we aren't meant to spend the second half of our lives together, but maybe we will. I just know I will need positive confirmation of a life together with no more 'surprises' if that would ever happen.

Hope to hear from you again.

Kimmy -- While I am sorry you had to see such a horrible email and then have that fight, in some ways it is freeing to see the WH in the dark place they are in and it makes it easier to be in plan B or let go or whatever we call it.

My WH told his parents and co-workers some horrendous lies about me and I felt the same way. I had put six months of plan A and year prior to that of trying into what. It seemed as if it meant nothing. It made it much easier for me to accept that nothing was changing right now and that plan B was a safe place for me and removed me from WHs ridiculous and mean assertions. I view your WH's email in the same way.

I really feel for you, but also think that you have moved to a different place mentally that is going to be healthier for you right now. I don't know who posted it to me, but they were right on the money when they said to just get out of the way/the dark path of the WS at this stage.

You don't need to give up on your M yet, but you do need to remove yourself from WHs cruelty.

Hi..thanks for the kind words. I actually felt depressed this afternoon, but trying to stay strong. I find the weekends the hardest, as they were always filled with activities shared by the 4 of us, and I miss those times. Plus, my kids are overnight at my H's, so miss them.

Anyway, I am glad I'm learning to let go. I suppose my big fear and why I wonder if we'll ever be together again, is because I wonder how it's possible to ever overcome 4 months of cruel, verbal abuse from your H..someone you just loved and continue to love. How can that ever be overcome, even with apologies and counselling, if that's what's meant to be. I feel that it would be impossible to ever trust again, especially when you already did love and trust your H 100% and then BOOM.. one day you are told you are unloved, and then left almost immediately.

I think I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop if we ever did reconcile. Hard to imagine ever feel comfortable and 'married for life' again.

Well, my H is here right now, completing the yard work he started a couple of weeks ago. Barely acknowledging me today.. just like last time he was here doing yard work.

Anyway, at lunch I asked him if he'd like something to eat and he did.

So..my H will at least never be able to say that I'm mean to him.

Feeling a bit better today. Felt very sad last night. This is so hard.

Just wanted you to know that I am reading your posts and am very sad for you... [[[[kimmy1]]]]!

I think what I'd like to read in your posts is MORE about YOU and less about H...

What do YOU want? What are specific steps that you can make to get there?

When you have noticed positive between you and your H... why do you think it happened? Can you recreate or replicate your actions?

Decide on THREE short term goals... 1 for YOU... 1 for YOUR FAMILY and 1 for your MARRIAGE... then map out how to get there...

just a suggestion...

Hugs and PRAYERS!
Cali

Cali: Thanks for your comments.

What do I want? Well, I would love my H to show some interest in me..but as you can tell from my posts, that hasn't happened. This morning he picked up our kids to take them to the 'Hobby Show' downtown and I was just wishing inside he'd invite me along, but of course he didn't.

Other than that...I would love to be able to stop thinking about him. Those two really good days I had this week were encouraging to me, however, that didn't last long as Friday afternoon, yesterday and today I feel depressed. I'm going to church soon and then I'm going shopping, so will keep busy. Then late this afternoon our son has a hockey game and I'll meet them there. Then the kids stay over at my H's.

The only time my H seems actually positive is when we're at the hockey games. He helps coach so I don't see him until after the game, but if I say something to him like our son played well, or something like that, he'll actually respond back and maybe even smile. But...like yesterday, when we also had a game, he'll be like that in the arena and then when we walk out to the cars he says goodbye to the kids, and then just turns away and leaves, as if I don't even exist.

So..hard to duplicate any other positive times, because there aren't really any.

Short term goals for me? Just to get through the holiday season. For my family? To help them get through the holiday season. For my marriage? I would love my H to show some interest in me, so there could perhaps be a small ember of hope to work with.

Well. As usual, my H was friendly to me at hockey. I was waiting outside the change room and he actually came out to briefly talk. He even asked me if I had any trouble finding the arena (it was an out of town game tonight). After the game at the car he showed me something they'd bought at the hobby show.

Is he friendly to me because he's feeling'safe'? Because it's not in our home or on our property? If that's the case, if he'd only asked me out ever we could have perhaps had some good times together.

Very depressed tonight. Huge thunderstorms here and the power keeps going on and off. Just what I want...the prospect of being alone in the dark when I'm down. Arrghhh...I hate feeling like this. It was all I could do tonight to not call him and ask him if he'd like to come home or would he like to get together with me. I didn't..but I sure wanted to. So much for feeling strong the other day and feeling confident about Plan B.

Anyway, I'm just waiting for my kids to call and say goodnight soon and then I'm off to bed.

4 months today since he left. 4 months of no interest..no affection..no companionship..no laughter together. I think the laughter with him is what I miss the most. We used to really enjoy each other's sense of humour.