Hi Mortar,

I have to respond here. Yes, Nursing school is very stressful. I explained it all to you before. It is alot more work than most college classes, I know, I've taken business classes, I've taken law classes, I've taken basic liberal arts classes and the nursing program is where I work the hardest. I spend more time on a paper for my Nursing classes than I ever have. What most people don't understand is the Nursing Program is very stressful, and you cannot repeat classes if you fail, unless you 1-get permission from the board, and or two, start over from the begining. However, the kids should not be in the way of school. I work fulltime, have 3 kids, 2 who play hockey in the winter, soccer in the summer, Right now we participate in a "building strong families program", I take my oldest son to counseling once a month, I take the kids to the drs most of the time, I attend school conferences and school programs, my D goes to dance class once a week. I sleep 6-7 hours per night. I am not top of my class, being top of my class is not important to me. I am somewhere between a B and a C average. I don't want my kids memories of my going to school to be that they were in my way of acheiving my dream. I call them every night from work to say goodnight and ask how their day was I do not attend school full time, I took all the liberal arts classes first. Most of the students do, because the program is so intense, they want to have only Nursing program classes left when they are accepted into the program. I don't buy into any excuses that they only hire those who graduated top in their class. The Shortage of nurses is too high for them to be that picky. To take boards the only requirement is that you pass and graduate. I have a friend, graduated with C average, she works as a NICU Nurse, a former coworker, straight A student, had to take the boards 5 times before she passed. I do have some classmates where getting the almighty "A" means everything to them and when they get a "B" or "C" on a test, they are mad. I'm curious, is she in a 2year or 4 year program?

Hi Mortar,

Unfortuantely, I've been MIA from MB for several weeks. Tonight I quickly read up on your situation and I'm really sorry to hear it has taken a wrong turn again. I did not have the chance to go back and find out why...

Wow you're in such a difficult situation the back and forth - back and forth. By what I have read in this post, STAY IN A HARD PLAN B. I would avoid ANY conversation with her whatsoever.

With regard to the parent-teacher conference, I agree with what someone else said, the school is no place to carry on. You are there for your children's welfare ONLY. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her, I think in your shoes I would not want to be as well. If you feel uncomfortable, ask the teacher(s) is they can schedule a separate appointment for you.

Well I just want to let you know I am thinking about you. I really hope it can get better!

My prayers are with you...

MITT

Mortar,

Just letting you know I still follow your stories. I am sorry your WW is being this way and that things keep getting in your way to recovery.

I agree wholeheartedly with the school issue. I work and go to school full time. My major requires endless hours of school and my work requires extra hours sometimes too. Somedays I spent more than 16 hours at school and work,plus research papers, site visits, etc. I do have a 4.0 average and hold an scholarship and a position with honors. Add to that that English is not my first language. I have no kids, but I have had a FWH acting like 4 of them combined at times.
Guys have tried to "pick" me up, and they are closer to my age range etc etc, but I have never even acknowledge their intentions.

I am sorry but this whole "Well I'll sort it all out once I am done with my college-bachellorette-life experience thing" is just too much too selfish. Nobody deserves to be used this way. I see your hurt and I feel so sad. Maybe if she dropped the extra boyfriend and the whole mess it brings things wouldn't be so stressing, but that's just a crazy thought of mine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sorry, sometimes seeying the way some WS treat their BS just hurts deep inside my soul. I wish I could make them open their eyes and come back home to make you all feel better.

Protect your babies, protect yourself. She needs to understand that she is an adult, she is a mom, and she is still a wife. She cannot just run away and believe she has the right to expect that everybody will hang untill she "clears up her mind".

She needs to get her head straight, her priorities reseted and maybe her brain examined in one of her classes because things aren't adding up.

All that responded...thank you! I dont have a lot of time, because I have a few things to finish up here at work, and then I have to head off to the parent-teacher conferences.

You are right. My first and foremost consideration is the kids. I had entertained the idea of rescheduling for myself for next week (there is an alternate day), but I have decided to just suck it up. it will hurt to see her. I have had withdrawal symptoms for the last week and was just getting back on top of it. So, count on me diving back in again tonight. But, I do know this will be the LAST time I will interact with her until she decides that OM is completely gone, and she is committed to working on the marriage. Any future things with the kids will be handled by email, messages, or through intermediaries.

I will go into the school thing later tonight, as I would like to expand on that and get your comments. Suffice it to say, with the way my wife has always been, she doesnt see a way to make this all work...and thus sticks her head in the sand and waits for a result. She knows the school thing will be over in June. She is willing for everything to explode (with the OM there in waiting, it makes it very easy to sit on fence and have her big piece of chocolate cake). But anyway...more on this tonight.

I did find out something interesting yesterday. She has enjoyed the no contact between us for the last week. She has asked our mutual friend to be the intermediary between us so we dont have to see or talk. Sounds like she likes Plan B. This all has to do with school, and our constant talks/arguments about our relationship and the fact OM is still around. I tell her OM is still around and that these things will continue as long as he is. She says that she isnt ready to make any decisions because she doesnt know if she can trust in our relationship again (keeping OM as safety net...and he likes it there). So, things blow up and we are back at square one. She then is afraid to call or talk or come by because it might probably lead to arguments which drain her. And she needs everything she has for school. So, the no contact is actually helping her at school because she has been calm and relaxed over the last week.

My question right now (we will get to the specific school issue later) is after 10 days, she likes the Plan B no contact. she will see the kids again this Friday for a sleep over, so she will get her kid fix. Do you all think that maybe Plan B will backfire, that it will actually enable her to stay right where she is at and hold out until graduation and then see who is still there for her? Or, will she begin to miss me and our family (even though she is still seeing the kids), and want to make contact.

Even though she said this last week to our friend (and at the same time said that if our marriage is meant to be, it will be there in July), she tried to call me yesterday. I didnt answer and she didnt leave a message. I assume she wanted to talk about today's conferences and about getting the kids on Friday. Or maybe she got the divorce/custody paperwork yesterday. I dont know.

The question is....in the mind of the WS, what is the process that goes through them as they enter the no contact void of Plan B? How do you all see the situation going?

I am still relying on the Lord. I pray that through this silence, she will be able to hear Him finally, and that He will convict her to the point that she will have to get off her duff and call. But, knowing my wife, she would rather decisions be made for her and live with the consequences. So, july is lot that long for her. And as she said, if the marriage was meant to be, then I will be there in July (that is why she at times has pushed me to date, but then yelled at me when I said that once I did, I would never come back to her..."You said that even if you were with someone else, that if I decided to come back, you would be there for me"). she has a friend that she is with all the time that had separated from her husband, moved three states away, lived a spinsters life with several boyfriends as divorce was sought by her husband. Her husband eventually met someone, got engaged and was moving on as the divorce date approached. then one day, her friend woke up and decided to come home. Her husband immediately dropped his fiance and went and picked up his wife. And they are happily married ever since. My wife idealizes that story. What she doesnt know is that cant happen here.

So, what do you all think? Still in God's hands. I am still doing the leg work. But of course, I come here to vent, and to see what the collective minds here know through experience on where my marriage is headed.

Oh, bye the way...Sue, she is in a two year program. Graduates this summer. More on that tonight and what school has meant (hint: since she started school, I was in Bosnia and she was in affair...the only thing that has made sense and has worked for her right is school...feels in danger of losing that if I, and to a lesser extent the kids, are back in her life fulltime....OM "was there for me" while in school...basically meaning that he didnt have a need to be with her all the time and she could fit him into her schedule, as she into his...again, more tonight).

In His Arms.

<small>[ November 06, 2002, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

bump ^^

Interested in what everyone thinks about Plan B effects on wife.

If she idealizes that story of her friend then she really needs to get her head checked. You all seem to be her backup guys. She will use you when she needs you, but the moment you need her she'll flee so quick you won't even see the dusty trail.

You are convinient because you have the kids and the story together, the OM is convenient because he is independant and will leave her alone whenever she decides she wants personal quality time and space.

She wants everything at the right time in the right place and screw everybody else. (sorry if that was harsh)

Plan B will help her understand that no she cannot have the family life whenever she decides it is convenient. It will help YOU heal and feel stronger and more confident about yourself and protect YOUR love from her selfish and destructive behaviour. Remember Mortar, plan B is for you first, then for the WS.

The problem with some WS is that they get the BS for granted "Oh he'll be there, he cannot live without me, so I'll do whatever I feel like". They need to know that yes you do love them, but you deserve as much respect and consideration as they do.

Do not listen to what she may be telling her friends. WS tend to lie to everybody and themselves too. She may think it is fine and dandy now because she is still mad at you because of the recorder incident, but when she gets lonely and the OM cannot fill in due to his "indepent" man pose, then we'll see what happens.

Work on yourself, be a good dad, and don't worry about her. It is time you dedicate time to yourself and your kids only. She doesn't want to be a part of that, sad, but too bad. If she believes that this damage is justified by a degree then she has a lot of issues.

Hang in there.

Thanks for the reply.

I agree with everything you said, especially after interacting with my wife this afternoon. Everything you said dovetails with Dr. Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" which I started reading today.

I went to the conferences. Wife was late to the first one. After the second one, we walked out of the room together but she started asking my daughter's teacher some things, so I just kept walking. We hadnt said one word to each other. I was surprised at how I felt even. I thought my heart would explode. But it didnt. Dont get me wrong, she looked great! And I definitely missed her. But gone was the panic and despair that I had been having in her presence. Instead, as she talked to the teachers, I strangely felt things like "How dare you put your two cents in...you havent been here. You dont even know what is going on with these kids." Or "what right do you even have being here and tending to family business when all you are is another man's play thing?" Stuff like that.

It is amazing what Plan B will actually do for you. I wish I would have gone to it earlier. Now, I was never hateful or mean. But my thoughts were no longer on losing her, but instead on why I should allow her to stay, in any capacity. Why after a year of betrayal, would I even WANT a woman like her? Why would I want her anywhere near my children, except for the fact the law says so because they have half her genes.

I dreaded going there today because I thought I would be drawn back into the hurt and panic. Not so. I have not felt this strong since I came home from Bosnia in April.

Anyway, as I pulled away, I was coming up on her car and remembered I had some mail of hers in my car I was supposed to give to her. So, I pulled up behind it and started getting it together. As I did, she came out so I gave her the mail.

She started some small chit-chat about having the kids on Friday night and stuff like that. She wanted to take my daughter to an eye doctor because of the teacher finding out she might need glasses. She said she would have time on Nov 18th. I told her dont bother...I would take care of it next week. Who needs this woman's help anymore?!?! Anyway, I slipped slightly because I asked how she was doing (her face showed extreme discomfort and anger because she was talking to me). She said fine. I asked if she was okay financially, and she said "Like you care...and it is none of yuour business anyway...it is not like you have supported me since I left." I told her I do care and I do worry that she is making it until graduation. And that I would have helped her, and still would, if things were the way they were supposed to be.

It was at this point I saw myself being drawn into the same old deal again. So, I just backed up and asked if the divorce/custody papers had been served. She said no. I told her that if she was serious about what she said to me and my attorney about not fighting, then we would be divorced probably by February. She then got angry, and stated that she would ask for a continuance until she graduates, since she cant afford legal representation. I said "I thought you werent going to hire a lawyer...that you werent going to fight?" She said that she needed legal representation. I left it at that.

I closed the conversation by saying that nothing has changed. That the only reason I came to this is we set it up several weeks ago when things were going good. She asked if we would have separate conferences in the future. I then closed the conversation by saying that it was up to her. If the OM was gone, and we are working on the relationship, then no, we wont need separate conferences. But, if that has not happened, then she and I will never again be able to talk or interact together. Her face started turning red at this, in which I said that how things go is up to her. But that I was serious and this would be the last time we interact, since we have nothing scheduled for the future. I told her that I still love her and still would want our marriage and know it will work if she would finally try to put some effort into it. But, it was time for me to move on, and to get my life straight.

I finally said that no one gets to have an OM and a family. That if she decided in the future that her family, and me, are something she wants again, I would be interested in sitting down and discussing it. I then told her one more time I loved her, and got in my car and drove away as she stood there.

She is awefully cold (what a difference two weeks make...we were so close and comfortable with each other just two weeks ago). I am glad I am in Plan B now...it has given me strength. I now am in control of my destiny again, and my family's destiny. My wife no longer gets to call the shots, except in her own little small sphere. She wants to be selfish? She can do so alone. She wants to disobey God? Then her and Him can wrestle together. She wants to be immoral and sinful? Then she gets to miss out on the family and on her REAL life.

Thank God I am in Plan B!!! This Mortarman can deal with. Now, the tough stuff begins in putting together a future and account for the fact that at this time, my wife will not be part of it. Kind of scary. But, in reality, a challenge. And Mortarman LOVES challenges!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Let me know what you think. Be back on later to let you know about the school issue I alluded to above.

In His Arms.

Mortarman

In plan B you are not suppose to engage your WS in any non child issues related conversation. It's a waste of time and you end up love busting her which hardly is beneficial for your plan A accomplishments.

Don't let it happen again or I'll be forced to use my virtual kangaroo hide bullwhip on your buttisimo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Mortar,

Stay strong and true to yourself. Most of the conflict comes when we are not being true to ourselves

Coffeeman: Consider me chastised <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . I knew it wasnt supposed to happen, and steered clear of LBs pretty good. But, I did screw up in taking the factual exchange of information concerning kids and other arrangements into telling her again what this was all about. Wont happen again. I dont need my butt reddened.

Sue: Thanks. Trying to stay true to me, and God. It is a hard road though. No maps, and very few signs. but, through all the stumbling, fumbling and bumbling...I am still standing.

In His Arms.

It is at times scary to see how WS can be deep on their little world.

I agree with everybody's advise, no contact with the WS no matter what. If there is any contact needed to tend for the kids needs use a 3rd person. Never talk to her directly, you can get emotional and be drawn into conversations that may backfire.

As I see it her big excuse is school, everything can wait to be sorted, taken into account or dealt with because she is busy now. Can you imagine the mess she is going to find once she is done?

What will happen once classes finish? What does she expect? She is being lazy on her personal life and what she'll find is a compound of pain she hasn't dealt with.

She is trying to buy herself sometime untill school is done. It doesn't matter if you want out or not, she wants her way and she'll fight to have it, even if that means destroying the love you have for her.

WS are very ugly while on an A. They are hurtful, disrespectful, they become a person we would have never married, and forcing the ourselves to see that person just makes us want to drop the hot potato and run.

I think she knows she is doing wrong, she knows she is acting against who she is and what she wants to represent. She knows it, that is why she was feeling remorseful. But she doesn't want to get working on fixing what she has broken so far. When she stopped the reconciliation cold turkey was because she found new ammo to throw your way and start the conflict again. Distancing yourself from her will give her zero ammo left.

Just don't think about her Mortar, don't torture yourself, there is no use on trying to save a person who doesn't want to be saved.

She needs to hit rock bottom and determine, on her own, what she wants to do. Once she is committed to whatever then that'd be it. You don't have to hang around and wait for her, you don't need to be disrespected on the mean time. You don't need to loose the remaining love for her on it.

Work on yourself and with your kids.

Hi Mortarman

I hope all is going well.

This past week "Good Morning America" was in VA, I'm sure you saw that. I never knew what beautiful state VA is.