I was wondering if anyone has advice for reconciling after a divorce. My ex cheated on me a year ago. I went back with him a few months ago but I cant get over what he did to me. When I'm around him I feel sick and so resentful. Trust is completely gone and I dont know if it's even possible to get it back. Anyone else gone through similar?

thanks!!!

Hi,
Just to let you know, I am your husband in this situation. I did the same thing to my wife. She knew, but I did not come clean for a year. Then we separated and she filed. She is very resentful and she says trust is gone, but every source including counselors tell me it can be restore by time and actions. Integrity must be re-established. Spend all available time together...go to joint counseling.....open communication. I can and will be back, but you must SINCERELY forgive him and never bring up affair during arguements. You will never forget....but must forgive...to go on. Remember: You hate the SIN not the SINNER!!! Eventually the bad thoughts will be covered by the new happy times. You can do it be strong. Talk to him about what I said. Good luck.

I wish my wife would read this or ask someone!

Studies show only 20% of cheaters repeat. 80% DONOT....they learned their lesson. Most do it not because they don't love their spouse, they do. They do it to see if they can still attract the opposite sex....it's ego. They still want the love of their life spouse at home and some attention outside the home by dating someone else......weird but true. I know I'll never have an EA again. Look at what's hppened to me.....not worth it EVER!!!!!!!!
Alan

I sincerely appreciate your response.
I think if my ex had come clean it would be different. I found the phone numbers. I found out he'd been using a dating service with an alias. He had been living a double life. He says he only did it for some kicks and giggles and never meant anything by it. I dont believe him because he had met up with at least one girl AND had one girls number on his cell phone contact list. you dont do those things if it's just for fun.
I admire your honesty with your wife. I hope she respects that you are not trying to hide anything by telling her. We got back together too quick and I didnt get a chance to heal.
He says we cant go to counseling because we cant afford it...but the reason is because I quit my job to move to be with him. There still is no open communication as you had suggested...because he can have a flat tire and not even tell me. He decided to go back in the military and told me he had made the decision. there's no discussion about his life. so maybe he never knew how to do that???
He expects me to pick up and go on like we're married and nothing happened....but I did that twice before. I didnt know what happened when he left me twice before....I KNOW now. so that's probably the hardest part. but....I think there's alot more I dont know. At least you're coming clean with your wife which gives you a new foundation. I wish I knew there was a way for me to get rid of these horrible feelings that sit in the pit of my stomach. I really do.

Well I wish my wife and I had a foundation....she is proceeding with divorce. We have a 3 year old girl. We have been married 3 years together 7. She has so much resentment and anger towards me. I lied about everything for a yesr. She has no trust in me. She feels marriage is past point of fixing. I know it can be rebuilt with help. I have been going to IC since August. We have been separated since Sept. 5ht. we have NOT seen each other since. She has recently been calling me....talking to me about relationship...which gives me hope. I have been making positive changes in myself and she said she can hear it in my voice. She knows I am remorseful and sorry, but I don't feel she will give me a chance.

By the way......don't let your H tell you you can't afford counseling.....baloney!!! Most counselors work on sliding fee scale....meaning if you make 100,000 a year you'll pay 125 hr versus 10,000 a year you'll pay $20 hr. They are evrywhere. Most are non-profit funded by United Way. Look for church organizations. We have one here in town that is free....funded by county, state, united way.......but be careful...sometimes you get what you pay for. FIND PRO_MARRIAGE counselor. If you tell me where you live I can find a place for you.........if your husband won't go he's a fool. I made that mistake before. Let him talk to me I'll set him straight! Lots of luck

Well I think if your wife is talking to you then that's a step in the right direction. I couldn't even speak to my ex w/o breaking down for months. So at least you have that going for you. Are you seeing your child? From a woman's standpoint...when my ex didnt ask to talk to my daughter I felt that was an easy way for him to lead the single life. If you haven't seen her then I worry you havent seen your child either and that is not a good sign to your wife about your committment to your family. Even if you are remorseful about the past....it doesnt mean you wont do it again. YOU dont even know honestly that you wont do it again. you say you wont now but what if she wasnt giving you the love you needed because she had a bad day dealing with her feelings of your past? what if it lasted a few weeks? Realistically, unless you change who you are...you WILL cheat again. I do believe people can change but it's a lifechanging thing and you have to want that with every breath of your life. Most, not all...but most people lack the lifelong willpower to do it. that's why people have such a hard time quitting smoking and drinking and such. it's something that is dramatic to change. I do wish you the best of luck and i hope things do work out. I know one thing my ex did was sent me flowers just saying he was thinking of me..not pushing me to get back with him. He'd call just to say he was thinking of me and hoped i had a good day. funny thing is ...that was a few months ago...he doesnt do that now. so see ....its the little things that mean the most. He said he wants to go to counseling. The 2 prior times he'd left me and I begged hm to go to counseling he'd refused. so it is a step in the right direction. but saying it and doing it are two different things. thanks for the advice on the counseling costs. good to know. I am hoping to get some counseling on my own while Im away from him to see if my feelings can even be dealt with while I am with him. I am so much more at peace when I'm away from him. that's the hard thing....accepting the drama that getting back together will inevitably bring.

OK,
Good points and yes I see my daughter as much as I can. VERY GOOD father. She knows that. Losy husband last 1 1/2 years though! I also PAY ALL daycare expenses and don't have to. I have been paying some of W's smaller bills right now....don't have to. She is having severe financial difficulties.

I have been going to individual counseling for 3 months every week, sometimes twice. I see a catholic counselor (woman). She is awesome.....pro-marriage. I get her insight of being a woman, too. She talks alot besides listening and gives me good advise. She hopes eventually my wife might come in with me. I'm not holding my breath. Wife thinks she has tried tried tried and it just won't work. Her idea is "Why months ago did our marriage mean nothing and now your trying? Easy I was a selfish, self-centered, idiot.....who needed hit over the head! (don't go to a quack....run away from your marriage counselor). If after a session you don't feel they are going to help you PUT your marriage back on a healthy track....RUN to find another!!!!!!My wife went one time initially by herself just to appease me. But, you know I feel really good now. I have read over a dozen marriage books.....a number I can now recommend to others. If my wife EVER wants to work on M I hope she will read them with me. Our problem is we never talked about each others needs and how to meet them. I still have good and bad days. Initially it was bad.....I pursued, begged and pleaded. Still have to catch myself when she does call. She hates it and now I see why. I am also the master of manipulation.......boy she sees throught that! I learned not to obssess. Although I still do a little. I am trying hard to save marriage. Now that I know what the problems were I know what I need to do to make the marriage work. Amazing what life changes you do when drastic situations occur. If you or he has some depression which I did....I am now taking Zoloft which evens me out.
I am now trying to use plan A.....working on myself...leave her alone, yet show her I still care and am here for her (stay in the shadows..give her time and space to think) She knows I am doing a lot and WHEN she does call she talks about relationship...sometimes I feel her reaching out....then close back up. My worry is she is seeking attention from other men.....they are saying things I stopped saying. She is looking for validation.......although I told her I was sorry and didn't realize I had stopped meeting her needs.

If you need any book referrals, let me know. I have read alot and used techniques from all, but they really help you take a different look at yourself and relationship and help you save time making mistakes. They work well with counseling. In fact the counselor and I discuss the things I read that seem to apply to our marriage. I just hope W sees that there are alternatives to D if she is willing...so many resources I wished I had known about prior to separation. But who doeas. I never pictured us here.

And I DO KNOW that I will never cheat again on my W or anyone in any future relationships. I have seen the damage it has caused.......not worth it or fair to anyone just to pump your ego. You have to give marriage and desire to work on marriage 100%. Too much to tell you about us.......long story. Wife thinks that all problems disappear with D, but they don't. If she was willing to work on things she would see something wonderful. I know she is worried about getting hurt again, but I know I can make the marriage a wonderful place she would want to be. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

That is very good that you are there for your daughter. How do you see your daughter but not your ex?

It sounds as if you wife is dealing with the hurt by staying away from it. I can't blame her. I did the same thing. And honestly, I should have continued for a while longer. Not because I didnt want my family together...but for my own emotional health because I hadnt dealt with my feelings about the situation. Even now that I am apart from him....and I tell him I dont know how to handle my feelings towards the situation...all he wants is for me to return to him. nothing else matters to him other than for us to be WITH him. Makes me doubt his sincerity of WHY he wants us there. I think that your wife feels if she goes to counseling then she's submitting to you and your desires for reconciling that she's not ready for just yet.

You sound like you're puttin in the necessary efforts to show her that you want your marriage. But the question is ...is she ready emotionally to accept those efforts?

Even if she is seeking advice on the situation from other men...it doesnt mean she is listening to them. I was in a happy relationship...very happy one...when I got back with my ex. Plus, I got advice from every single person i know that it was bad to go back with him. yet...I did it ...why? because my heart told me to... so I wuldnt worry much about other men leading her away.

I'm sure it helps her alot to have you helping her financially. Have you finalized your divorce yet?

You sound soooooooo much like my ex in how you describe yourself. its amazing to read what you say. It makes me wonder if he realizes his actions as you do and thinks about them in private. He certainly doesnt discuss them with me. sad that he doesnt. But I do believe all things happen for a reason..even the bad things. and I know all things happen in God's time...NOT mine. so Im still waiting for God to tell me what to do...lol

W brings d to my parents and then I take her. I also pick her up at daycre to give my w some personal time.

D has not been finalized...dreaing that. Will be final at end of December unless attorney drags feet. I will probably ASK w to extend so I can continue changes. I am also converting to become catholic like she is. Doing this for self and for family. We put jobs and money ahead of each other and God. Need to reverse that and make Christ a full-time figure in our lives. I have learned so much that if we do get divorced that the next woman will have a great man. I have done so much this last 2 months I wish I had done while together. I even made a website for her.. Love of My Life

I recently told her that W or EXW I will always love her and be there for her no matter what. Whenever she needs anything just ask. (she probably never expected that)

I really think she doubts love as I never really tried the last year (she thinks it's guilt)......but things change and so do people......I know if given the chance I won't let her down again.

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 12:53 AM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

I dont mean this the wrong way....but why is it that you have to lose your wife for you to make the changes that could have saved your marriage when you had it in your hands???

that is something I keep wondering myself.

Why did he do the things he did to me and NOW....after 10 years he finally takes his vows seriously. or does he? I'm sure your wife has the same doubts that I do. How do I know he's bein sincere in his motives and desires for our future? I dont and neither does she. I'm sure it comes down to a trust issue. Only time can heal that.

I think in your situation you have made it a bit too easy for her not to see you. Maybe you can suggest dropping off your daughter to her directly once in a while so you can at least be cordial. Even if nothing else...at least be civil and talk about your day or something. That's good for both of you but it's also good for your kids because you are setting a good example.

I hope you guys will be able to work thru everything. your site was very nice. has she seen it?

To answer your question our first 5 years together was very good......through our business ventures and my EA ......I becam to lax in the marriage....we grew apart never spending time together. I became too complacent in marriage. It took something drastic to awaken me. Counselor says happens all the time. She says she has tries many times, but I never saw her "tries".

Trust is her key issue.......she doesn't know if it can ever return. I know it can, but whether I get that chance only time will tell.

I would love to see her, but she has to ask me. I don't want to push as I don't want to disrespect her wishes. I could push her further away.

She saw site for first time yesterday. I see she went in there 3x yesterday........don't know if it was good or bad. She will probably view it as manipulation or desperation....her two favorite words right now. I just said I wish I had done these things while together, but since you want a divorce it probably doesn't matter if you see it...........her curiousity is too much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know she probably won't give me any feedback.........but she knows I care and I do too and that's all that counts!

I think under your circumstances you just dont stop trying. I understand you dont want to push her away. My idea on it was that if you always think that ...maybe she is more ready to approach seeing you for even a moment and is waiting for you to suggest it. Maybe ask her if she'll think about it and let you know sometime soon.

I'm still wondering if it's even possible to trust someone again after they broke your inner most trust. I wish I knew if that was possible. I think it is one of the hardest things I could ever be faced with...trusting him again. My ideas on it is that how long should I live unhappily trying to learn to trust him again when it might take years?? it might never happen??? so how long do I let my child see me unhappy dealing with that? is that fair to everyone? when you look at it like that...getting back together without working out trust issues almost seems selfish. Not saying you in particular...I'm meaning that I know my ex wants us for his reasons which he says ..and it's wonderful if they're true. but if I havent gotten over the hurt and distrust (as your wife hasnt) then is it truly fair to join as couple again knowing that I will be miserable?

I understand where your wife is coming from. It's so much easier NOT to deal with the problem than to deal with it. (meaning not seeing you) The thing is....you have a family together so she is going to see you for the rest of her life. If you dont start to at least be cordial soon then the resentment will not heal.

I hope and pray that you guys will be able to work things out. If it's meant to be..then it will be. maybe God will soften her heart when she begins to get over the pain of the situation and she will be able to have a relationship with you again.

Yes, inner trust CAN BE restored and many books and counselors can teach you how. I know most don't believe it or DON'T want to believe it, but it can be. It will take time, but as long as you are BOTH willing it can be done. If you can I reccomend the book "Reconcilable Differences" Healing for troubled Marriages, by Jim Talley. Excellent book on how to forgive, trust, and restore your marriage. It guides you throught the TRUE reconciliation process. I got it in hopes of doing that, but now I am losing hope as she gives me all sign she can't do it anymore. Funny I always thought my wife was the fighter and I would be the one to give up. She is validating that what she is doing is the right things by doing many things. She has answers for everything. One classic one:
We talked by phone and I tried to take her mind off of the problems and started talking about our past GOOD memories. She sated even then (before marriage) that we were living like roomates! (floored me) I don't truly feel she felt that way, but I think she said it to tell herself "I know what I'm doing is the right thing to do". I hope she is able to truthfully tell that to herself when our daughter is crying asking when dady is coming home. Monday she gave me two hugs and didn't even want to let go. I never cried so hard in my life. I told myself I wasn't going to do that in front of her, but so hard to hold in emotions. If only my wife had one ounce of strength to give our marriage the CHANCE. You ca order book on Amazon.com, If you can afford to you can get alot of good advise in the books alone EVEN if your husband doesn't participate YOU ALONE can learn ways of turning relationship around........DIVORCE BUSTING is another good one.......there website (they to have a forum to discuss with others....it is: Divorce Busting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

By the way website I did for wife/kids is an idea I came up with....wish I had done it when together. My wife is a romantic....would have got me some (you know what) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Can't believe I became so BORING in M, I forgot how to be romantic and show her how much she means to me. What a fool!!

Well anyway, I changed the song to one of my favorites. I hope someday she can see it. Now it would look like desperation, but it is fun. Good therapy. If you would like to learn how to do it let me know it is easy and FREE!!!!

I am not sure i understand why you make your wife look bad for not wanting to be with you right now.

I dont mean it the wrong way but it was YOU that cheated. YOU gave up on her. She didnt give up on you.

NOW you realize how much she means to you which you never did before. Although, all those years you didnt want what she wanted....which is what you want NOW.

You say you hope she can deal with it when your daughter is crying for her daddy to come home.....where was her daddy all that time you were cheating? I know this sounds harsh but it's what your wife is thinking I'm sure.

You want to be a good husband and father NOW...and that is very commendable and respectable. But the fact remains that what was important to your wife for so many years ...you couldnt care less about. That hurt doesnt heal overnight.

You seperated in september right? well we seperated last november..it has been almost a year to the day and I am still not over the hurt. so how can your wife get over it in such a short time and be the woman you want her to be in your life? you have these strong desires for marriage. ... and I respect that greatly. But I dont agree with you making your wife look bad for not wanting you at this moment.

You're gung ho with the fact that she can trust you and you can have a good marriage but if I cheated I'd be all up on that too. I'd be all positive about being trustworthy and honest. It doesnt, however, heal the pain today.

I'm sorry for being so harsh but maybe you can see by my hurt how your wife must be feeling every day of her life right now.

Your right and I have apologized and I can only imagine the pain she felt. She said she doesn't care about A anymore, yet she brings it up everytime we talk, so I know it does bother her. I know I let her down. I had an EA for 2 months when we were growing apart, Someone else was paying attention to me. Why did I do it? I will never know. You lose evrything.

Our divorce will be final at end of Dec. I don't think she will stop it or slow it down. She knows I'm remorseful and sorry. She really doesn't think I love her. If only she could really see in my heart.

I guess your right. Why am I trying to make her look bad? I do feel responsible. She knows I do. I just know what I could do differently. I have something to prove I guess.

I do see your hurt. Do you believe my wife when she tells me she doesn't care about emotional affair I had? and that it doesn't matter anymore. My w truly loved me! She is catholic and her family are stong catholics. The decision to seek and file for divorce must have been so hard for her. I wish she had waited a few months after separation to file, but she made up her mind while we were still together.

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: AlanArthur ]</small>

My husband told me that he never expected to be served with papers...he thought we'd seperated in the past and always worked it out and we'd do the same this time. I waited for a month before I filed praying every night for him to tell me he'd "try" to make it work. But he didnt. It was a few months later...after he'd played the field and found out that I was a good wife and mother that he realized what he'd done.

He asked me if there was anything he could do or say to keep the divorce from being final the night before it happened. I loved him but I couldnt stop the divorce. I wouldnt. It wasnt because I doubted his love for me. It was because I had so much hurt and resentment towards him that there was nothing he could do or say that would make that go away. All i could see was how he had sent my life into a tailspin...and our child's life too. yes it is the past...but it was OUR past so therefore it affected our future.
I dont believe that your wife doesnt care about the affair. I wouldnt believe that for a second. I think it is her way of not dealing with the situation and feeling the hurt. Same with how she doesnt want to see you. it's avoiding the hurt and I dont blame her one bit.

And the fact that she's religious just makes it that much more difficult for her to deal with you wanting her back. It is "right" for a woman to be with her husband. So if she is close to Jesus in her heart it must be tearing her up trying to figure out what she should do. I pray every night for an answer as I'm sure she does too.

I think you feel she should be feeling a certain way because that's how you want her to feel....and it's frustrating to you that she doesnt. You want to put the volcano back together like it's a clay sculpture that just blew up. It doesnt just mold back together. you're gonna haveta get alot of new clay and alot of time to rebuild it. does that make any sense?

perfect sense......thanks. It is nice to talk to someone who can understand how my wife must feel. Is there a possiblity that I could add you to my yahoo instant messenger or msn messenger so we can chat one on one?

well I dont know that I understand how your wife feels but at least I know the feeling of the situation she is in. what is your username to yahoo? I have that if you want to chat.

user name is alanneila. Thanks for doing this. I think we are in very similar circumstances and I might be able to learn from you and you from me.

In my situation do you think there would be anything I could say that might have an effect on her either now or down the road? I know this will take time.

Yes I think there is alot you can say. I would suggest telling her that you respect how she feels and that you will wait for her as long as it takes for her to deal with the emotions from what has happened. How about asking her what it would take ...like what she needs for you to do in order to make things ok between the two of you. at least so you can be cordial and talk. I'm sure she's feeling the pressure of your desires and might be thinking you are not taking into consideration how she feels and what she wants right now. maybe just ask the questions and then zip it and listen very carefully to what SHE wants and needs from you. If your ultimate desire is to make her happy...which it sounds like it is....then you need to listen to what she wants and needs.