I didn't contact OW2, but she had "anonymous" callers contact me on several occasions.

The first one said something to the effect that my "old man" was spending lots of money and she had proof and would send it to me

The next pointed me to OW1

months later another one about OW1

The last one said " leave the man alone so he can be with his woman"

Katie Scarlett, just curious, whats your take on that?

Thanks!
D.

Will-

What's my take on it? Well i'm not entirely sure that I understand what you wrote.

As I understand it - Some OW contacted you on several occasions. Told you about other OW and then told you to leave "her man" (your H) alone. Sounds desperate and pathetic to me.

Maybe time to air this subject out some more, as it's been a topic of recent posts.

WAT

My decision to speak with the other person was not all for any information... I consider that dangerous. I had though long and hard about what I was going to say. I was not going to leave room for her to say anything till I had finished. I remained calm yet strong in my voice. She scatted , I did not respond to her at all.

I simply wanted to make it clear she had no right to do this, that they both acted in a lowly manner. And be dammed! I was not just his wife , I was a person, a whole person! It lifted a weight of my shoulders and as I have said in my previous posts, she did a great favour to my marriage reacting the way she did.

My W's first 2 OM's actually made contact, attempting to make a bridge back to my W. I made it perfectly clear this would NOT be in their best interests. When OM#1 kept coming to my workplace to tell me stuff (you can get the details in my thread in PA/PB if you like) I went to his workplace, convinced him it would be very bad for him to keep up contact, then called his mother (a good christian woman BTW). Never heard from him. OM#2 tried a phone call, I had our phone turned off and changed.

As for OM#3, I contacted him before the A ended twice. Once face to face, and once I left a note on his door when he wasn't home. Was he p'ed? Yah, (gasp) what if his W found out??? But turned out to be best thing I ever did. He went to W's workplace, yelled and screamed at her, cussed at her, told her it was none of my business, and bam, end of A. Was it a LB? Probably so. Did I care? Uhm, NO!!! Still don't. I am still glad I did it and would do it again if it ever came up. With OM#3 btw, I was not mean, threatening, or derogatory in any way. He was though. BTW, W and I are 3 mos into R, so yes, contacting OM was good thing in my case. I am full advocate of it. But I do agree with WAT, it is not a "one size fits all" and should be done carefully and with proper judgement.

JMVHO

MTD

I was the one who caught them, I introduced myself to her, she would not look at me. She knew who I was, but what I received from WS was the hurtful behavior, he told me he did not need to speak to me and walked off with her. But she is married, so I knew all I needed to know. After meeting me, she then proceeded to call our home and ask for him, so that showed me the character of both (WS/MOW), so I felt no need to find out anymore. It's funny though, when you are not looking for information it comes out of the woodwork!!! It did for me at least.

So I guess you could say I contacted OP, through busting the "A". I really have never even considered her the issue at all, just the aftermath.

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

wat:

I have been a longtime lurker and sometime poster. My sig gives some background.

I saw the OM last week for the first time since the revelation. It was brief and about what I would hope for that first encounter.

The OM in my case was my best friend. I had been there for him through his personal and legal struggles all of which were very significant.

Trust is a hard thing for me now. I hope and believe that will change. But, during the interim, the "void" is numbing.

I miss having a guy friend. But, I do still have my wife and son and for that I am very grateful.

I hope time and love will heal things. We shall see.

hg

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

My two cents...

After the second d-day, I decided I had to say something. The first time, I let it go, I did not want to face the OW, or hear any of the details I was not willing to face. By the time the second time rolled around, I wanted my position known. My WH told her there would be no more contact. I'm sure he said it with all the sugar coating he could muster. So...I e-mailed her myself. (I still cannot speak to her face to face.)

It took me an hour to compose a very straightforward note. No bad language, no pointing fingers, no accusations...simply stated that I wanted her to honor the request for no further contact. I told her that as a human being (of which I have my doubts) and as a mother, how could she possibly have a hand in breaking up a family. I told her my H needed his family and children, which he loves very much, no matter what she may think. I told her if she had his best interests at heart (which my WH told me - oh how nice of her... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) she would let him live his life with his family and be happy. I also stated to her that he is my husband and that I love him very much.

I then waited for a reply, which I never received. I watched my H's e-mail for any reply, and there was none. I do not know if she phoned him, but he has insisted there has been NC at all since then. I told him AFTERWARDS, that I sent this to her. He was scared that I had been mean (poor girl, how could she cope if I was mean?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) but I had saved a copy to show him, so she could not make up lies to him. I was very purposeful in my non-condecending note, which was the hardest thing I think I have ever done.

However, I personally feel like it has given me a bit of power back. I made my presence known to her, let her know I knew what was up, and told her, very "nicely", to lay off.

I'm still waiting, and hoping that it continues to work....

GC2

I'm needing some assistance/opinions on contacting
the OMM-it has been 9 months,I've passed him in the car,most recently by my kid's school-he has no
business in that area-am I paranoid or reading into that he is curious about me?I,m trying to restore my marriage and have told my husband the truth whenever he asks me if I've had contact-the
OMM when I did call him to prevent further humiliation in court over harrassment charges-he said to me "I will not talk to you,I can't talk to you, goodbye."My friends/husband all warn me once he's over being exposed by me and smooths things over with his W he'll try to contact me-this makes me a little nervous-any suggestions?

Stacyesman - consider starting a new topic to get more responses.

Did you send OM a no contact letter? If not, please do it.

Does OM's W know about the affair? If not, please consider telling her.

WAT

^

up for shul

My WH told me he hates me for ruining it for him and OW (by exposing the adultery). And I think it was contacting the OW in particular that made the biggest impact. She was one of those OW who needed to pretend she 'never intended to be the OW', she even liked to pretend she cared about our daughters... (can't explain though why she insisted on interrupting and limiting their visitation with their father though, upsetting them)

IMO my contacting her and giving her info about what he was telling me and his daughters about her (that he never planend to marry her) caused fights between OW and WH. She pretended she didn't believe me and hung up on me, but then she would break up with WH for a while...

I also think my telling her that she was only OW # 7 made a pretty big impact.

Am I worried that WH might never 'forgive' me for ruining his affair? Nope. I'm glad he 'lost' OW and if he ends up losing me too that's his problem.

IMO she should send me an apology letter AND a thank you note! But I realize she might lack the decency/intelligence/courage to send either. And I will just have to be OK with that.

BTW, last OW (dozen years ago) DID know WH was lying to her but pretended to believe his lies to look good in WH's eyes. OW's sister and brother-in-law told me that. I tired to tell my WH that OW knew he wasn't really separated, that she really knew he was lying to her and chose to play along. But to this day WH insists THAT OW was innocent and trusting. IMO the WH sometimes needs to pretend the OW is sweet and innocent in order to pretend that he's so charming and sexy he can even get the 'good girls' to commit adultery with him. And/or it would be too much of a blow to his ego to admit the OW conned him just as much as he conned her?

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I'm late to the thread. And maybe I am persona non grata, because I am the WS. My H discovered my affair two nights ago. My affair, a friendship of 7 years, both families friends, became romantic, but not sexual, 3 1/2 months ago. My H says I need to choose. I chose my H. Not hard. I have always told OM it's the choice I would make. All cards on the table. No contact order between me and OM. I intend to abide. OM sent brief email today ("In pain. Huge hole. Just saw therapist. Need Gail (his W) home." - his W is gone to a retreat this weekend). I told my H. H is stuggling with desire to contact OM. I don't want them to hurt each other. But whatever my H needs to work through it, that's the way it has to be. I'm the one who screwed up. I want to do whatever it takes to make my marriage work. My story is complicated. Ha! Isn't everyone's?!

Okay, that's the background. What's my two cents? I don't know if it's good or bad to make contact. But in my situation, I think it would be a matter of people saying to each other what everyone knows already - the cheating spouses screwed up, gave in to weakness, everyone is sorry, everyone is in pain, BS is angry (rightfully so). What a mess.

I have been dealing with this for over 3 months... Caught my wife seeing guy across street. Only went as far as kissing... I eventually contacted him and told him to leave my wife and my family alone. This was a mistake. Not only could he have called police for harassment but the wounds reopened. All progress we had made was lost. The sad thing is I didn't even know that the progress was lost until a few days ago. When my W told me that if I wouldn't had contacted them and asked for a stuff animal back she wouldn't have called him back. They talked for an hour while I was trying to call her from work. They reconnected on the phone and re-started the withdrawl process.

Like I said though I didn't know about it for 2 months. She would hold the bear when she was lonely and sad instead of seeking me. And then she tells me it's all my fault that she had been hidding this because I couldn't let it go. My fault.... sigh Then when I try to work it out I am blamed for confronting her about the bear in the first place because OM is really a nice guy that was caught up in this. It's not his fault... Funny he seemd to be the guy kissing you...

Be very careful about contacting the other person. It can backfire big time...

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: Zanthor ]</small>

Zanthor -

Do not allow yourself to be convinced that contacting the OP was a mistake. It was no mistake IMHO - you were standing up for your family. Unless you were physical with this scumbag, no way could harrassment charges stick.

"When my W told me that if I wouldn't had contacted them and asked for a stuff animal back she wouldn't have called him back."

Baloney. She contacted him for one reason only - she wanted to.

She has successfully used a tried and true blame shifting mechanism on you to project her guilt on to you. Very typical of people who cannot face their responsibilities. Do not fall for this crap.

WAT

My W has had two PAs that I stopped by contacting the OM. Both were married. OM1 did not back off until his W found a gift my W sent to him expressing her love. He contacted me and asked for my help to tell his W that there was nothing between them and that it was a one sided A only. Odd since he flew cross country on Valentine's Day to sc**w my W. I did it because him being free would have been like loose canon. His w and I have become friends. Turns out he was cheating on her and my W with two other women at the same time.

Second MOM also a PA I just knew was going on but had no proof. Heard a VM from him to W stating his love. Made W call him. I talked to him and he said he would back off. (This was also a long distance A). He did not back off. I got an odd e-mail perportedly from his W telling me to keep my W away from her H. My W was planning another trip to the old home town. I called OM immediately and told him he could have my W, that I was stepping out and she would be free. Also tht his W knew about the A. I asked him if he wanted her. He said he would get back to me in the morning, he wanted to talk to his W first. He almost blew it when talking to her. Turns out the e-mail was from a friend of my W who wanted to expose the A ( not sure why as she has had 3 that I know of). He did call me back the next day and say he would back off. He did and cut it off. Caused major problems on my end for awhile because I interfered. I got a call from his W asking about what went on. I just commented that they were "just friends" from high school. Also got a call from OM's W's brother asking the same thing.

OM totally blew my W off and refused all contact for about 6 months. He and I have continued contact. If my W writes him, he will write her back and advise me. If she writes anything about feelings he responds he will not go there and if she continues, all contact will stop.

W has also had two EA since then. (only EA because the OM would not make it a PA, LD again) The first one was one way from her to him. He started to get involved but backed off. He contacted me when he told her to quit the romantic trash. He was not interested in her that way. If she wanted to be friends that was fine. Nothing more.

The last EA ended about two weeks ago. I have become very sensitive to her actions. I noted something the first of last month. It really hurt as it was over Valentine's Day again. About two weeks ago, W crashed. She was in tears, depressed and just plain moody. I stayed up all night not sure what was wrong, but worried as she might try suicide again. ( she tried after the PA's) A day later I got an e-mail from someone that said he had been in an imporper relationship with my W. Used her true name, not e-mail name. He apologized for any hurt it has caused my family and was worried about her. Gave me some details about what went on. I have not confronted my W with this info.

So back to the subject, should you contact the OP? Mine worked out ok. Yes there were problems cause about her privacy, We are (at least I am) trying to move forward.