NeverSayDie, I am just curious about something. Could it be that your W just does not believe in monogamy? It sounds like you have an open marriage where infidelity is way of life, rather than a aberration.

Also, I suspect that the first affair you mentioned would have ended anyway had you not lied for the OM. By lying, you became an accomplice in the affair. Covering up for him didn't help his marriage at all, it just enabled him to do it all over again. Hopefully, when you say you are "friends" with his W, you have told her the truth and apologized to her for lying to her. Interesting that you would choose to protect the bad guy instead of helping his victim protect herself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes there were problems cause about her privacy, We are (at least I am) trying to move forward. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't quite understand your meaning here. What "privacy" are you talking about? Are you saying your W should have the privacy to destroy you?

<small>[ March 06, 2005, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Neversaydie: Your W sounds like she's got some mental health issues btw....just a kind observation. Plus there's so much serial infidelity on her part. Says something deeper is wrong. You're a stronger person than I would have been...

Back to the OP question...

IMHO...I think that unmarried OW or OM are worse to deal with...who to expose to? My xh's ow1 was devious, evil, and openly admitted she was seeking treatment for codependency. She was somewhat attractive and very clingy. Somewhat intelligent but unfortunately, despite her attributes, she came up against a woman who would rather go to hell first than see that person end up around my son or get my xh. She was just that bad...taking my xh and lying and guilting so bad to get him to go to a "marriage conference" with her a a nearby church. She dug her claws into him and got closer to him by pretending that she'd gladly walk away if he could work on his marriage. They were both liars of the greatest abilities, and lied so much to each other it was amazing.

I first phoned her and told her the truth. Was a 3 hour call. She was all nice, and passive aggressive, but I was firm and cool. Told her to get a life and get away from my family. She said she'd stay away....she stayed away maybe four days. This OW lived back home in TN. We lived by this time in ATL. She was the OW who would not go away.

So I decided on exposure. I had to do some serious thinking. OW worked in pharma industry and I know a few of her coworkers. My friends had been letting me know about things for some time and were trusted. They asked about where her family was? Basically got some info from her. I found out her dad was a lawyer and that her grandmother lived two houses down...isn't that nice? Being in shouting distance of your granddaughter sc43wing a married father huh? So I disclosed away. I phoned the home of the parents. Said I would be glad to speak with them, but would like them to know that their daughter was having a torrid affair with my husband, a married father. That we were still living together as man and wife and that I would file charges against their daughter if she did not keep away. Then I called her grandma. I had to do this. I told her that she should watch for expensive cars in her grandaughters' driveway b/c she has a bad habit of sleeping with a married father...and husband. That maybe she should walk two doors down and check on her granddaughter as she was living a secret life as a mistress.

I was no holes barred.

I let it fly.

I even contacted my xh's parents. I told them all about her, forwarded letters, everything. They understood despite him being literally their boss...but then again, I later found out my il's were having M problems as his dad was having an A also at same time his son was...guess it was a learned behavior.

I again contacted ow when I filed for D. I told her that i had directly named her as the affair partner in the papers (I did) and that it would be fact made known to everybody..that it was not hearsay or defamation b/c everything I say is true without a shadow of a doubt.

their affair continued. It continued and I kept on with divorce filing. I made it difficult for her back home, with anybody...I exposed, exposed exposed. Whenever my then h would do a feeble attempt at reconciliations (he would not do a full NC or MB approach...he was still a full time cake eater..just missing me and wanting me back so I could also help him eat more cake)I would phone her up and let her know he was with me...You see, some of the ballsy OW out there think their lover is actually "faithful" to them...ha ha. That would be not true. And that they never were attracted to or ever had sf with their wives. Wrongo!

And then, in october of 2002, about a year and a half after their torrid affair began, she dumped him. She was tired of getting "cheated on" by him. She was worried b/c our divorce was taking too long. She was angry because I had exposed everything and her reputation was not so shiny as it was previously. Seems I had found out she had seen other MM...and I exposed that too. She was and I the classic golddigging OW...out for only two things...a rich and attractive man to fulfill her selfish needs. And she was also made aware that my xil's weren't fond of her. She couldn't walk into a marriage with my xh without all people, her family included, knowing the extent of all the bad things she'd done to get there.

And voila! She got what she deserved. Turns out that her love of a lifetime soul-mate, my then H, was also seeing somebody else on the side....any surprise? Nobody knew about this one though. I didn't. When ow1 dumped my h, the guy tried to come back to me...but only after BLAMING me for exposing the affair and basically saying I was the cause of their breakup...and he was crying while he said this.

How thick can fog be? A man accuses his faithful and loving wife of a horrible act...like breaking him up with his mistress. His words made me NOT want him back anymore...so I decided to continue on with the divorce. When he tried that last feeble comeback, I remember crying with him about it. It was more than sad how my xh had thrown everything away for a woman who was more shallow than a baking pan. Then suddenly ow2 came out of the woodsworks. She made her presence known immediately. Said she'd been seeing my H for six months and that she'd met him within a month of our separation...that she knew he was married and that it didn't bother her.

After that A was exposed, it was almost hilarious to me...and sad at same time. ow2 said to me "at first, h and I were just casually dating." Casually dating? A married man casually dating somebody? And she viewed myself ALONG with ow1 as competition.

It was a sick and vicious circle. I wanted out. Nothing more. Still the divorce went on...as my xh true to his self, never provided financial disclosure and literally witheld funds from us as a ploy to push me into a corner so I'd settle for pittance compared to what was there...and he'd also by that time hidden so many assets. In the end, he had decided if I wouldn't let him have cake, do the divorce his way (friendly, and with cake privileges as it was kinda known), I'd have pure hell on my hands. I ended up almost losing my sanity to the insanity of that man. Ow2 ended up moving in with my h 2 weeks after both getting dumped by me and ow1. So much for the thought of a soulmate huh? And this one was also jealous and worried b/c the divorce was dragging...so she up'd the ante...she for the second time in her golddigging life got deliberately pregnant. This time, her plan worked. My xh had me no longer in his life as I'd said I waned nothing more by this time. ow1 was moving on to other rich men. He had nothing but an uneducated golddigger and that's what he has now...except unfortunately for the new child's sake, he is cheating on her as well.

Do I think contacting OP is good? Heck yea. If I had not contacted ow1, she would most likely have continued down a most destructive path. She was also stepping in onto the life of my child...having gone on a trip to disneyworld with my H, lying about her presence there. She had mental issues and would have been horrible as a step mom. New ow/w is not much better. She's pretty much an idiot and believes my xh on everything...but she's not as smart and conniving as ow1...so I can deal with that all day..but I don't really have to. So that's good.

Exposure is good. You should do it as soon as you find out. And if the warning signs of an affair are there, see them. By the time ow1 had been discovered, it had been six mos. By that long, the Emotional attachment is very strong. It's best to break it as quickly as possible.

You gotta go into it being tough. No sissies allowed. You gotta go in knowing fully that you'll hear lies from the Op's part...some truths, and some painful things. Goes with the territory. As I see it...there are two realities involved. Yours, as the W or H. Your reality is trying to save your M and restore your family. The other reality is that of the OP. They see you, the BS, and family as only thing remaining in the way of their happiness with your spouse. They will do whatever they can to remove you. And like Scarlett said, would use you for sport if they get really bored. And yea, I found that comment kinda disgraceful. And I can say that I hope there are more OP out there who come in contact with BS like me and some others here...we do not stand by. We're not going to let you run all over us or our kids. And if our spouses leave us for you, we will take all safegaurds and precautions to secure our homes for our kids...and that we're gonna fight you tooth and nail...but not with our fists, with our brains. We're gonna do all we can do.

And in the end..to all and any OP scum out there from say...the other woman...site, know your days of darkness, lies, and secrets are numbered. The light of the truth will bring you down. We're not scared to do it. Even if our marriages end because of the affair, know we will be the ones that will have true peace and dignity after all is said and done. I know. I have that peace. I can look at myself in the mirror each day. My son loves and respects his mother. And I know that I have dignity as I ended my marriage with intensity as I began it, and that I was always a good and faithful wife.

Just know if and when you contact them, that they are not going to have your interest at heart. The OP has their agenda. You have yours. I think it's best to contat them to let them know that you are the spouse. They are not. You are the one with the legal power...they are not. And that the lies your lying and cheating spouse told them are probably not true.

Its a matter of ignorance vs. bliss. It's sure easier not to know, not to hear their voice, not to ever meet them (I never met any ow...I did not have a desire to..), but I think that not contacting them is like not shining the spotlight a bit further into their affair darkeness and fog. A strong foglight is needed from you!

I called OM within minutes of discovering the A and threatened him and shouted at him.

I calmed down and called him later to find out his intentions with Squid. he told me his R was a mess, and that he loved Squid very much.

I told Squid that day she should go to him if she wanted to, or she could stay with me.
She told me she would stay with me and work on our M but carried on contact for weeks.
Then I exposed to his GF ( living together 14 year swith a 10 YO son).

Om contacted ME and threatened me in response.

I did some research. I found some love letters he sent to Squid. I found out a lot of information about him, registered charity number, local newspaper contact, name of another student he had seduced etc etc.

His GF begged me for proof of A, so I sent the faxes of the love letters.I called him and told him all the information I had on him about his criminal activities, as well as his immoral activities.

I told him that if he ever contacted Squid againl, or made anything that I perceived was an action that threatened my family's well being I would call every number and let them have these facts. He would lose everything then.

I also gave him a physical challenge that I won't list here.

OM asked his GF to call me and say he agreed and would stay dark.

To my knowledge he has been dark since.

I do not recommend this approach to everyone, but it appears to have worked for us.

And yes, one day, I might just launch my nukes out of spite. It makes me happy to know he fears me doing it though. Why would I rob myself of that satisfaction ?

I contacted the OW the DAY I found out and explained to her nicely that she had "accidentally" sent a naked picture to my H instead of hers. And that I would kindly forward it onto her own H.

Well, all hell broke loose when I did that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> [folks, I ripped her up BAD!] At first she tried to deny the affair and when that didn't work, expressed her MORAL INDIGNATION <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> that my H had lied to her about being separated from me. This was morally offensive to her!! [this married woman <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ]

Anywho, she sent my H a scathing email telling him off for "lying" to her and that was the end of that!

I think in some cases it can be beneficial to contact the OP. However, occasionally you get the depraved type who really don't care. In those cases, it does no good. There is always the offchance, though, that your contact will scare them off because some OP are just using the WS but won't risk any trouble for the small return.

^bump^

shift 6

I contacted the OP because I wanted to she if their stories were the same and if she felt the same way. Well, I can tell you I didn't believe hardly anything she said because she was so clam and that was weird. You would think she would be a little unnerved about me calling she wasn't.
I asked if they ever did anything outside of work together and she said No and I asked if ever got her anything and she said No. LIES, LIES, LIES.......i know he bought her something for her B-day and valentine's day..He even wrapped them. He doesn't wrap any of my things ever.

Am I glad i talked to her, YES! Did it make me fell better, NOT REALLY!

So you have to determine taht for yourself.

GOOD LUCK