Boy I don't know what I did bad...she would love to see me executed. She called earlier and asked about paying child support early, because she had to pay to keep electricity on.....(real financial crunch)

Here is the email I sent her.....I thought it was pretty good. I tried to be nice:

Jude,
I don't know if I can afford another $150 right now......I just paid the
damn attorney another $500 and still climbing....my counseling is costing,
I have 2 car payments, and still have to license new one.......many bills. I
also paid a couple of yours. Restaurant is really picking up, but it will be
a few more weeks to realize the gains. Of course I'll help you any way I
can I already told you that. I expect nothing in return though. I'll see what
I can do, but I have a meeting in Omaha this weekend and will need some
cash....hopefully we will have another awesome weekend.I am going to make you guys so proud of me
and be able to have Sophia raised in a financially secure family. Let me know
WHEN you need support by I'll see what I can do.
>
Miss you both and love you,
Alan

Here is the one she sent me:
Don't bother about the money.......do not pay any more bills for me or send
any more e-mails!!!!! Concerts and buying stupid gifts are more important to
you. If you wanted to help me with bills you should give the money to me
directly, so I can pay the ones that have to be paid right away!! My
electricity will probably be shut off when the check gets returned. Have fun
at your concerts.....

I can't figure out the hostility? Did I say something wrong. She agreed to support on the 1st and 15th. Wow...her financial problems are just coming on to. I pay ALL daycare. I don't have to. Do I stop paying any of HER bills like she says or is that fog? I know finances is a big EN for her now.....but when do I stop getting beat up? She went to Minneapolis for 3 days a month ago......hotel, concert etc......$$$$$$ Seems to have $$$ to do things when SHE wants, but I can't have any fun???

Any comments from anyone are appreciated!!!!
I am confused as hell!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

AA,

If you think she is mad now, just wait until she finds out that her and the childrens photos are plastered on the world wide web for all to see without her knowledge. (Including personal information about herself) YIKES!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> By the way counter is on it so I can keep track of interest....before showing wife I will take off. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not leave the counter on so she can see how many people have seen this site before she had a chance to grill you over it.

Getting out the whiffle bat. ((([censored])))((([censored])))

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: ba109 ]</small>

I dunno, I kind of think she has a point. You told her you'd try to help more financially...you're sending gifts and things she doesn't REALLY need...and then when she actually ASKS (which takes a LOT from a prideful woman) you try to give her a guilt trip. Not the best move I hate to say....

Well, don't email her for awhile, since she asked you not to. Don't pay her bills, unless she asks for a certain bill to be paid (but don't give her the cash to do so...you do it). AND you want to pay it. Don't talk about activities of which she is not involved in, what you do on your free time shouldn't interest her and will only lead her to believe that you are spending money that she'd like to spend for what she feels is important.

Her electric power being shut off is NOT your fault. She knows her financial obligations and she needs to take responsiblity for meeting them in a timely manner. She should NOT look to you or anyone else for a hand out every time she gets in a bind. jmho Unless she deals with the results of her mismanagement of her $$ she'll never learn to be accountable.

If you're buying "stupid gifts" or not so stupid...STOP. She's not into receiving them gratefully and is only resenting the $$ spent by you unstead of deciding for herself what she would have spent it on. It's YOUR money...don't throw it away on someone who doesn't appreciate the hard effort it takes to make it. jmho

Yes, there is a bit of "fog" in all this. The fog keeps us from seeing where our actions are leading us. When confronted with the results we are likely to try and blame someone else for how we got to this lousy place...we didn't think we were going to end up in a blind alley, but there seems no way out. It must be someone else's fault! NOT! She really does need to deal with REAL LIFE, without someone who is constantly trying to make things easier for her...being the "knight in shining armor" can get the knight...knifed.

If you continue to pay her bills so that she can use the money she has for "fun"...then that is exactly what she is going to do. jmho

<small>[ November 07, 2002, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

D is for "Don't do stupid things (like say you'll help out and then complain when you're asked)." O is for "Only you can control you." L is for "Lay low and have patience." T is for "Time is your friend."

whippit ... your screen name match your lines ..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D is for "Don't do stupid things (like say you'll help out and then complain when you're asked)."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL !!!, well said.
AA ... you have to help her out, you give her hope and when she need you to fill in EN you bailed out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . You just LB'ed you put your "fun" in front of her emergency. I would give the ticket away and give the cash to Judy or somehow get $150 and give it to her. I know it is not fair.

-rh-

whippit,

You should add that to the list of MB acronyms. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ba109 ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You guys are geniouses (and gals)!

I will pay the $150 early and too her. I did make a promise and I will do them (but only if I can afford to....she knows that)! I reread my email and saw the guilt thing!Damn, I read that 3x before sending and never saw it!

She views me as the annoying brother she never had!LOL

I am not going to contact her....1 card a week....the other money I will spend on keeping her house going...I did pay the phone, water, trash,sewer the other day.....it was something.....and ALL of daycare....I'm not a rich man, but I did make this commitment to her and I do care.

I will not contact her anymore.....she will come to me again by phone soon......I have this feeling.

She did tell my cousin's wife that "I wish he ahd told me about EA when it happened insted of learning about it from other sources. Having everyone else know and me not knowing made me feel terrible. I could have lived with it had he told me instead of lying about it for a year when I DID know." See it is an issue unlike what she said the other day to me...."I don't care anymore. It doesn't bother me anymore" IT DOES. Do I have a chance?.....my cousins wife feels so because of the way my W talked to her, but she said you must tread lightly, do what she asks of you, no LB's, and give her time and she may see you are better than the future she sees right now. She knows there are sources for you two.

Anyway BA.....What personal info is on there (website) about my wife? No addresses, phone numbers, etc. I will take away counter. Just did it for recreational therapy and peace of mind. I wish I had done it when together.....would have filled up her love bank in more ways than ONE! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Would have needed two banks to hold that cash!LOL

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!

BA---HER kids on website......you sound like her
I believe one is "ours" the other is with my former wife...that daughter is "OURS" to. Granted I didn't give birth, but I did have something to do with it, regardless what my wife says!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

AA,

I did not mean to infer that children were not yours also. I will edit previous post.

Personally, I would go through the roof if I knew my photo or my childrens photos were placed on the internet without my permission.

Regarding personal info, I was referring to the list of her favorites. That is no ones business but her own...and whoever SHE chooses to share that info with.

tagging off <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ba109: I'll take the tag. Haven't posted here or lurked here for a little while. I was really hoping to see some things change with you AA.

ba109, that wiffle bat won't do. We need the 2x4 that 2long has graciously lent me.

AA - think of this. Unconditional Love. Show her you love her WITHOUT wanting ANYTHING in return. If you are thinking I can get her this and she'll do that, that's conditional. If you think I'll do this just because I love her, that is unconditional. Look beyond her flaws and her imperfections. See a human being. Understand why she doing the things she is doing and STILL give her unconditional love. It's not easy, trust me. My wife just informed me yesterday that she is leaving me with the kids and moving 1500 miles to be with OM. Anything more selfish than that? No, but she is human and is running from her problems. I am letting her go, BUT loving her anyway. I know I love her because I don't want or expect ANYTHING in return. It's not being needy or desperate. I haven't been upset or yelled, or even been angry with her for almost a month. Try it. It feels really good. It may not save your marriage, but you will be a MUCH better person because of it. I smile a lot now. Everyone around me asks what is up with me. They actually think I have a GF. Can you beleieve that. OMG. But they see a real difference and change. I haven't told them, they just see it.

Take Care

HW (formerly TORO)

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 01:21 AM: Message edited by: happinesswithin ]</small>

I take back my former post here.

I do find your email irritating and I can understand her being infuriated by it. I also find your publicising details about her private life quite inappropriate and I can imagine her being very angry when she finds out. I do agree with her that it is proper to send money for the day to day support of the children, rather than send gifts she does not want from you.

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 07:14 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

I feel bad for you AA.

You are going about this all wrong. People here are trying to tell you from an objective view that you are doing this wrong but you continue on, then you are shocked when she gets mad or reacts the way she does.

Im sad because you are headed down the wrong path for any sort of recovery. You are only pushing her closer to wanting to sign her name on the dotted line removing you from her life for good (DIVORCE).

Personally (and Im a FWS) if I was your wife, I would be mad too. The email you sent her is not fair and its annoying. You should not go on and on about what you are doing, need to do, will be doing or saying "I hope you guys will be proud of me later". You are letting words get in the way. She could care less about what you are saying which she has made perfectly clear. You should be doing ACTIONS only. You can't seem to do that, therefore, you get the very reaction from your wife you don't want.

You should of emailed her a simple

"No, Im sorry, I cannot help you at this time"

OR

"Yes, I can help you. Check/Money is in the mail"

You got away from the subject and on to your own stuff, none of which she cares about right now.

I hate to say this but I really don't see this turning out good at all. Your desperation and continued whining about your issues and so forth are driving her farther away.

Personally I would say "I can't help you at this time, Sorry".

You need to let her be ON HER OWN (except for the child support) and see what life is like ON HER OWN, without you which is what she wants...right?? So let her see how it is.

It will be hard to say no but in the long run if she is so bent on getting rid of you then let her get a taste of life without you. Maybe she will miss you and start to see you for the good things about you. Until you let go and stop this contstant whatever you want to call is, you are probably not getting your wife back. Sorry but the truth is the truth.

She throws you a tidbit when she needs something and you fall for it everytime, then when you don't come through, she slams you. How much longer do you plan to allow this to go on?

This is sad. I also agree. You better hope she doesn't come across that website you made up. She could really use that against you. You think is a loving tribute to your family, which is fine, so long as that family is together and not going through a seperation that may lead to divorce. It makes it seem as though you are desperate and obssessed with your wife and that my friend, could work against you.

Sorry for you pain. Life is not as simple as waving a magic wand and it all gets better.

Praying for you.

Let it go AA, Let it go. Pray and walk closer to GOD and let him handle it. You are not in the position to handle this well. You need to work on you. You are letting this woman drag you down and kill your self esteem.

Zoey

PS: Stop with the guilt trips.

IE: "I will help you although I expect nothing in return"

That is not true. You DO expect something in return. You want her to come back to you if you help her. You want some sign that things will be okay if you help her. STOP with those annoying words AA.

If you want your wife back. PLEASE stop this craziness.

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 07:06 AM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Your email should have said...when can you pick up the 150.00...

all the other stuff is irrellevant...you cannot allow your wife and child to be in a house with no electricity...all other issues are mute. period.

Possibly to recover a bit from this you might think about sending another email that states:

Listen, I've thought about your position and I'd hate to see the electricity turned off. It's really important that I can help you with this. You can pick up the $ <insert location here> just tell me what time to expect you.

What do you guys think?

I totally agree...after an email like that you've got some doctoring to do in my opinion. I think kily's suggestion is good...I'd also think about a small apology. In the fog or not, what you did would be an LB no matter what.

As far as helping her IF you can afford it...I'd be figuring out NOW what you're going to help her with CONSISTANTLY and only give gifts IF you can afford it. Let her know what you're comitting to paying to help out your family and CONSISTANTLY do that so that she doesn't have to ask for help. You want her to feel safe about talking with you. Your email set that back many many steps.

As I said I read email and was blind to what it actually said. I knew I got off the subject. It's hard when she gives me a chance to say something I want to say as much as possible. It should have been brief..here's the $$. Won't happen again promise.

I know this is heading for D no matter what I do. It seems like I keep messing up, and I'm just hurting myself more and more. Sorry guys get out the Louisville Slugger.....make it a double! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know this is heading for D no matter what I do.

I don't think anyone said that. I don't believe it needs to be true. I don't think you should be thinking it either.

None of us is saying you are a jerk and that you have done things so bad that you can't fix them. The reason we are trying to help is so you can improve your plan and have success. We give advice because we think there is still a chance for you. All we are saying is that we believe you need to make some adjustments in what you are doing.
Got it? Make sense?

SS

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I'm trying.....but seems when I take step forward.......I do something stupid and I go backwards!

I did send apology email and told her no more gifts. I said that they are the most important people in my life and I will do whatever it takes to help them in anyway I can (as long as I can afford to). I told her she can pick up check from my mother and I will just postpone a bill.

Suspended website.

Folks, I am trying.......it's just soooooooo damn hard when it's so emotional. Keep advise coming!

Thanks