First, I love my wife. Second, I want her to come home. Third, I want her to want our marriage to be better than before.

But I also have mixed feelings when reality smacks her in the back of the head. She moved out so that her affair could flourish without the mindful gaze of her husband. Now that it's all but over she's attempted to lead a cosmopolitan, "Sex and the City"-like lifestyle. As we all know, those are usually very expensive. So let's back up a moment. When we separated, she opened a bank account for herself, but listed our home address on the account. (Incidentally, she never completed a change of address to have any of her mail forwarded.) Let's come back to the present. Today in the mail my wife received an NSF notice from her bank. I don't open her mail, but I was able to see that the check she bounced was for her rent. Ouch.

The reality will be good. But it's painful and I hate to see that happen.

I feel like we're thiiiiiis close.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Then don't quit yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And BTW, what makes you say that?

SS

A lot of it is gut feeling ... but a lot of it is her. She still says things that make her appear unsure about us but many more things she says are said with a future vision of us ("our house" is a big one, for instance).

Also, last night she trusted me with her cell phone. This is huge. So, of course, I snooped. No calls to or from OM ... at least not in her last 10 calls.

I have lots of concerns, still. Many things to ask. Many assurances to seek.

I should also say that "thiiiiis close" is relative. It's still a long way to travel, but compared to six months ago it's but an inch.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong>Today in the mail my wife received an NSF notice from her bank. I don't open her mail, but I was able to see that the check she bounced was for her rent. Ouch.

The reality will be good. But it's painful and I hate to see that happen.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't had time to post my update but didn't want to pass the opportunity to reply to you.

I hate to describe the conditions my W and my S are living in. It is not that they are terrible, but compared to where they came from this is a major downgrade. It hurts me a lot for her but she chose this. No matter how much she wants to blame me for it the fact of the matter is she sued me for CS and she could've followed up with the financial settlement. Had she done this she would be in a better financial position.

Her thoughts were so concentrated on returning to the midwest she must have lost sight of the financial settlement and lost sight of getting a job since June(she finally is having interviews). See, what bothers me is she is being frugal with money but yet indulges on a cell phone with which she can easily speak to the OM. The phone still has the midwest's area code so the OM never pays for a long distance call. But either way, he bought a cell phone using the same service as hers so they can speak as many minutes as they wish without counting against the total minutes. And guess what? She pays extra for that service. Money that could be used to better their standard of living.

What am I saying with all this? You are right: it hurts that they are having a hard time readjusting to this new life, but on the other hand it is something they chose. Isn't that what they wanted? Did the fog hide the realities of life? Maybe there is a tinge of anger in my writing because I was blamed with leaving her "out on the street," as she put it, and yet I have not failed to provide CS, pre-lawsuit and post-lawsuit, nor have I failed to provide her rent and utilities. And it upsets me that my S is starting to pay for her fog. He tells me he hates the house they live in.

Whippit, be strong, you are doing well. The fact that it hurts you to see that NSF check proves your feelings for her. All I can tell you is in the little time I have been a father it hurts me to see my son hurt himself, but sometimes I cannot prevent it and often times the lesson he learns is valuable. It is through fire that iron is wrought.

Be well.

UC, thanks. I hope you are well, my friend. Your absence was beginning to worry me but I understand the need to take time to live every so often.

This rubber check shocks me because she's the bread winner in the family right now and was the one who got the financial mess I made for myself in my 20s straightened out.

It's an interesting time in the Land of whippit. I'm not even sure how to write it. A swirling head full of thoughts will do that. Things are better and my wife is closer. We had an interesting experience last night that I can only describe as tender and loving. Our dog was in a minor accident (she got the tip of her foot pinched in a door) and it appeared far worse than it was. We were both upset and we had each other for comfort for the first time in many months. What we shared was more than what it was. She's tired, she said. I think she's really seeing her decisions aren't turning out like she tought they would and that I'm not such a bad guy.

In other matters, she left her cell phone bill at the house. From 12/14 through 12/20 she placed seven calls to OM, ranging from one minute to 14 minutes in length. Three that stand out:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sat 12/14, 3:36 a.m., 13 minutes</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sat 12/14, 4:02 a.m., 14 minutes</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sun 12/15, 5:05 a.m., 4 minutes</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Over the next five days she placed the remaining four calls, none longer than eight minutes in length. He never called her during the bill's period. She didn't call him from her cell phone at any other time during the billing cycle.
Are these calls significant? I don't know. Time will tell. My confidence and faith in myself is unshaken.

<small>[ January 16, 2003, 04:44 PM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

Someone on this board smooched his wife on the lips tonight for the first time since August. It wasn't anything that would have buckled the knees, but it was more than a peck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Way to go,
remember to read ( over and over again) the parts of HNHN on giving affection. We usually want to give it different than they want to get it. Read it again and then PRACTICE IT some more.

Check your pulse, try to calm down. See if you can get some sleep.

I am in the same time zone as you, what are you still doing up?

SS

SS ... Pulse has been checked. A lot. I posted about a full hour after it happened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This is just one more step of many yet to follow. To this point I've let her lead the way. I've not expected anything to this point. Our buddy UC reminds me constantly that now is the time to be more patient than ever, to not get my hopes any higher. Of course, he's right.

And, yes, I'm on the other side of the mountain range. You know, the side where all the weather you get blows overhead and into Kansas? Better still, why are you still up?

My mom gave me permission to stay up late.

SS

Whippit:

I feel crazy when I do that obsessive checking like you are doing with the cell bill? I get angry that I have to resort to such behavior just to make it. It's our WSes who have put us in this position.

baby steps, remember, baby steps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

whippit,

You should post more advice to newcomers. Your self-control is admirable and I know I've learned from it. You've known how to time things you say and do. After reading some of your posts I've gone back and see how I could have handled some of my situations differently and I wish I would have found this site sooner.

You have a lot to offer, my friend.

Keep up the good work.

mimi ... I don't think what you're doing is obsessive. You should know whom your husband is calling and vice versa.

UC ... mi buen amigo. Your words are too kind. I consider myself lucky and if just one person can benefit from my mistakes or successes, I'm thrilled. I don't think I'm all that special. I just took what I learned here and other places and applied it. I was receptive to all of this because what I had been doing before clearly hadn't worked. Why not dive right in?

You've got mail

Check your e-mail

Thanks

On it now ...

Whippit -- Do you and UC both live in Colorado?

nope ... just me.

It's so close I can taste it. So much to write I'm having trouble being concise and clear. A good friend from the board is suggesting I take a chance and ask my wife to something romantic. I understand why he's suggesting it ... but I fear that if it ain't broke why fix it?

If she says no, then what have you lost?

If she says yes, well then.......

This is something you have to get to someday. What if she is waiting and wishing?

I know that she may not be, but how would you know?

Just don't get your hopes up to much. I think it's a good idea, but you need to ask to know what she thinks.

SS

PS, if you have that much to write, you should do it, even if you condense it. We kind of like you and want to know.

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>