In another thread, Luki asked about this topic.

"Exposing the affair to the light of day" simply means removing its veil of secrecy such that all (or some) can see it.

Given that affairs are built on secrecy, removing the secrecy, in some cases, provides all the motivation necessary for the WS to end it. In fact, Harley postulates that most affairs come and go without ever becoming known to the unsuspecting BS - in part because of the constant threat of being revealed.

So the question of whether to intentionally reveal an affair to others by a BS who knows of it has some basis in the track record of affairs in general. I refer to this potential action by the BS as one "destructive" action a BS can take that may influence the course of an affair. "Destructive" because it does nothing "constructive" to eliminate any of the reasons for the affair to occur in the first place. Also, if the WS knows or learns that the BS spilled the beans to others, it's a HUGE love buster. "How dare you invade MY privacy?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Perhaps the tougher question is not whether to reveal the affair or not, but, "Who should it be revealed to?"

See also, On Informing OP's Spouse Of The Affair

and On involving WS's family

IMHO, the BS should reveal their knowledge of the affair to the WS immediately upon having sufficient evidence. Beyond that, the individual circumstances should dictate further revelations and to whom.

In my case, I revealed it to my family and inlaws, in the hopes of getting support. I got little from inlaws, so it likely did more harm than good. OM's wife blabbered it all over our community. But in our case, the affairees seemed oblivious and uncaring who knew - they only cared that their "justifications" for leaving their families were equally aired. They are now married - perhaps in an attempt to further "justify" that it's all OK.

Please share your experiences in order to provide new BSs with insight for what to do in their respective situations.

I just found out last week about ea of wh. I am not proud of what I did. I snooped in emails. Hey - he didn't log out! Besides, I can justify by saying that we took vows to become one life together and this affected our life so it was my business too! Oh, well. I snooped and found out about an emotional affair. I asked about a physical affair and he denied it adamantly. I snooped more later in the day and found all the evidence of the physical affair. It was all out in the open. It only happened once and they both regretted and have just been emotionally involved since. It took me two days to convince him we cannot move forward until he can no longer have friendly contact with her. They work together but not in same town so some business contact is to be expected. I dealt with this in another post. Other than that no one knows and no one is going to know. Again, am dealing with that in another post.

I still stand firm in my belief that knowledge is power. I did what I had to do to find out. I really believe the A is over for now. It's only been 5 days so I'm sure he has much more feelings to go through. I want to make sure this doesn't happen AGAIN. I want to be a better wife for the sake of our marriage. I want him to be a better husband. We need help and I am going to get it.

Good luck in your quest for the truth. You have come to the right place.

worthatry,

This is a subject that I have been struggling with. Just after dday, I was so freaked and in so much pain, but I didn't tell the kids specifically what was going on. I told them that Dad was doing some things that I didnt approve of and was very upset.

I did counseling with Steve Harley, at first he suggested not to say anything to see if WH would come around. A little later, Steve sugested that we both sit down with the kids and tell them in a general way that Dad had "inapropriate relationships with 2 women" That conversation never took place.

Then all hell broke loose with our business and I eventually fould out the WH was on cocaine. At that point Steve suggested telling WH that I had to keep my distance and separate or DV. That is what I 'm having trouble with (there's another thread to BR on that)

I believe that it will be best to get this all out in the open even though it will hurt. I've never denied to the kids or my family that WH & I were having problems, just never said exactly why. Our kids are older so they know a great deal with out me telling them.

One of my BIL's is very supportive. He has even been helping me work some things out financially.
I am a rep for his company.

All 4 of my WH's brothers know and think WH is a jerk for what he has done. WH has avoided his family. (Both his parents are not living.) Ouch - Dday was when WH's Mom died. OK, trigger is over.... WH's Aunt told me to come to the family reunion this past summer whether or not my HW came. That made me feel really good.

My close friends know and have been a good support thru all of this.

In hind site, I wish that I had revealed more information to the kids, and my family. It gets harder as time goes on, like MB literature suggests .... you get used to it in a sick way. MB said it much better than I did.

WH is due to be home shortly for Thanksgiving so something has to give ..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

D.

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Well, I didn't want to tell anyone. Felt that right after d-day, all I could handle was my own emotions (and not very well at that), I was in no shape to deal with the sorrow that the betrayal would have caused our children or parents or friends, etc. HOWEVER...in my blind emotional period, I didn't even realize that my DS (17 at the time) had put two and two together and arrived at the correct answer. He suffered in silence and alone. Luckily, I did swim up enough to realize that he was in pain, confronted him about the fact that dad and I was having problems, and he informed me he knew. So reassured him that dad and I were committed to rebuilding, but that it was going to be a very uncomfortable time for awhile. He was supportive, agreed that we would leave it between H and I to work out. (Dad also talked to him.)

Time goes on, I hit a really bad stretch, end up in the hospital, the type with locks and bars on the windows and rubber walls...so then everyone in the family ended up being informed by my poor H. While it was his mess, it wasn't something that he should have had to do alone, I should have been beside him. (Other children grown with families of their own.)

So IF you can keep the problems to yourself, I think it's best. But, if it's going to come out, best to do it together. We have NEVER gone into details with any of our children, the details are none of their business. They have all been supportive of me and their father and our choices.

WAT-

I am all for secrecy, in fact I think agreeing with your ww that the two of you are going to keep the A a secret is a great way to start putting the two of you in the "secret" business instead of your ww and the om. It is also an incentive I think for your ww when you can say, look you can escape this unscathed as far as your reputation is concerned if you want to recommitt and rebuild. We even faked our kids on dday by telling them "Dad had the flu," so I could lie in bed in the fetal position for a week trying to hold on to my sanity, we all remember those days don't we?
Anyway our story has been a success so far, thank you MB'ers, and I think it started with keeping the A secret.

Jack

Interesting topic. When I first found out I told two very close friends but no family. I kept the secret for the most part for nine months because I thought it would be such a huge LB.

Well, I finally called into the Harley program and spoke to the man himself and he said "As far as exposing affairs, I think that anything short of putting it on the evening news is appropriate".

I did not run around advertising it after that, but it was certainly food for thought. When I went to plan B I did tell his sister and brother and my family. I subsequently found out that many other people know. He and the OW work together and it was only a matter of time.

I know it is probably a big LB for anybody's WS, BUT, Dr. Harley is unequivocal on exposing the affair/bringing it to the light of day. He said to me that it helps bring reality faster.

My own opinion is that I wouldn't expose itwidely/only to the few people that are going to be your closeknit support during plan A and if you are successful in negotiating the end of the A great, but once you go to plan B it does need to be exposed more broadly. This doesn't mean spreading gossip or rumors, but informing a wider circle of friends and family.

My summary

Well here goes....

Episode One - The Phantom Undercut

Somewhere in that "Stop Your Divorce" book he writes about undercutting the support system of the OP. There was some convoluted example, but I think given the right circumstances it may be effective. I stress "right circumstances".

In my case I did this unknowingly. I talked to two friends of my W's who I also consider to be friends of mine (they were in our wedding etc.). This was right after I found out so I was freaked. I spilled the beans to them, my main reason being that my wife is off the deep end and she needs her "real" friends, which she had strangely been avoiding(go figure?). I told them that she needs a lot of support right now and she is not getting it from her current acquaintances. Come to find out, that the OM( W's exBF) and one of them are good friends and that she is very outspoken in her religious beliefs(that I knew). The other one dated the OM back in high school and still hates him to this day. Something bad happened but she wouldn't tell me and I have to respect that, but it makes you wonder.

However, I did catch heck for it at first from my W. But I think she did realize that I was looking for support and trying to rally her friends around her. It did take a good family friend to tell her that. But I have not heard a word about it since.

But anyway, I cut one lifeline of the OM, and now I hope for a domino effect as word gets out. I also got lucky and I know that.

Episode II - Attack of the Friends

If you read My summary then you know that the first A was with a friend of mine. I was a little less delicate with that one(it has been a year, allegedly). First I emailed him if it was true. All I wanted was a yes or a no but instead I got a yes with the flimsiest excuses that you have ever seen. I think he is mentally ill; he did the same thing to someone else a few years back but we had chalked that up to stupidity. So I wrote a terse reply and copied our inner circle of friends so that everyone could see him for what he is. I felt that it was my moral duty to do so. If they want to be friends with him then at least they know who they are dealing with and I have no problem with that.

Episode III - untitled

Now, things are up for grabs. I have made the decision not to tell the in-laws simply for the reason that I'm not going to bail her out. She owns this (Thanks Dr. Phil!) and needs to face up to it. We are going into counseling and I hope that that will help. She has also started actually talking to me. But part of me has to wonder if it because she doesn't want me to rat her out. Her 'rents would go ballistic! This I do know for sure. They already know that the OM was making moves on my W and they love the first OM like a son. I loved him like a brother.

As a last resort I have contemplated contacting the OM's family (he’s not married). That is most definitely a last resort and may not be an option after I think about it for a while.

That's my 5 cents.

Some posts squeaked in there before mine so I will add some more words. All these posts have made excellent points. I have learned at great deal today. Thank you all.

I don't agree with total secrecy nor do I agree with a scorched earth policy. I think one has to be, for lack of better words, caring but calculating. Of course there is risk. But as they say "the greatest risk is not taking one". So IMVHO you have to ask yourself, do the potential benefits out weigh the certain fallout and can your situation take just the fallout? At the same time, don't bail the WS out thier responsibility(repeating myself). I am being abstract on purpose. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Comments?

it's difficult isn't it?

My WW has always said it is up to me whom I tell and talk to. We discussed it a lot and in the end I have told one very good friend (who lives abroad) and talked with one person who is a friend of mine and my Ws - W told her about it.

What I find interesting is that my WW has told only a few people - 2/3 including her sister - and a couple more have found out. If she really wants her new R to work out she can't keep OM hidden in a cupboard for ever... so I am quite happy that she doesn't on the one hand...

on the other it makes it easier for her to pretend that nothing is happening and so continue her A in (general) secrecy.

Note - she does always tell me when she is seeing OM - he lives abroad - so that I can try and get myself together.

I don't know but in my case if it doesn't work out - I go to Plan B - I think I will tell more people - not vindictively but for honesty and clarity.

bowd and unsureheart,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know but in my case if it doesn't work out - I go to Plan B - I think I will tell more people - not vindictively but for honesty and clarity.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My own opinion is that I wouldn't expose it widely/only to the few people that are going to be your closeknit support during plan A and if you are successful in negotiating the end of the A great, but once you go to plan B it does need to be exposed more broadly. This doesn't mean spreading gossip or rumors, but informing a wider circle of friends and family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are both excellent points. Certainly at this point (Plan B) there is less to lose if you have done a good plan A for yourself and break the news as respectfully as possible.

I also wonder about dropping hints to relatives to prepare them for the news or at least prompt them to contact the WS and open up a line of communication. I am struggling with this issue right now. I sure as heck don't want to LB with counseling coming up. This is an agonizingly slow process.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Was it an LB that I gave my inlaws copies of every single email between their son and his mistress?

Yep.

Did it help my situation?

Absolutely.

My husband could no longer pretend to his family that he was leaving because I was psycho and that I was crazy for thinking his mistress was more than a friend who was simply comforting him in a time of need.

I was disabled and pregnant. No family of my own in the area. HIS family had to care for me, so there was no more pretending. He had to cope with the reality that his family, his father, his mother and siblings were taking care of HIS responsiblities while he was off with his mistress.

His family told him that they would always love him and that he'd always be welcome, no matter what. But that if she ever darkened their doorstep, even after our divorce, they'd throw them both out.

And poor OW, desperate to legitimize her relationship and wanting to cut me out, was trying to convince him to stand up to his family adn force them to accept her as my replacement. Can you say it put her in a position to LB big time??? She wanted to marry my husband and she was doing EVERYTHING she could to insinuate herself into every aspect of his life. First I kept my children out of her reach, and then I took his family out of her grasp. What a mean lady I am! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It definitely added reality to the situation, BIG TIME.

And as the Harley's predicted...the time between my producing hard proof to expose the affair, and his decision to come home was about 9 months.

Best thing I ever did was expose the affair. We are now 17 months into a great recovery. We both talk about the affair in a matter of fact manner with friends and family if the subject comes up. We've both worked hard to understand the whys and hows, and believe me, it helps alot.

The beautiful thing is, 2 weeks ago my sister in law called late one night. (My brother had called me to confess that he was struggling with attraction to other women, I told him to tell his wife, which he did.) My SIL was having a hard time understanding how she could fill my brother's need for domestic support. After talking about it for a bit, and giving her some perspective, my husband took the phone, and was able to tell her somethings from the MALE WS side of things.

How incredibly healing for both of us to be able to share our experience, strenght and hope with others, especially family members, who are struggling with the stuff that we have finally overcome!

Had we kept it a secret, we wouldn't be recovered today, and others might not have gotten help that they needed. I wish we had someone to help us thru what we went thru!

Luki - do not count on your inlaws. Blood is thicker than mud.

While there are plenty of stories on this forum that describe how inlaws came to the defense of a BS, there are just as many in which the inlaws looked the other way or believed the WS's revisionist history and lies. My case is an example of the latter.

This is the whole point of this thread. One size does not fit all and the best way for a BS to evaluate this quandry may be to hear what happened to others.

WAT

WAT,

I hear you. Rule 6, right? The in-laws are aware of the EA but not the PAs. As much as I love them, I will count thier support as a bonus but not necessary. It is still uncomfortable being around them because they can read me like a book. They have to know somethings up. I hope that the counciling will have us turn a corner. I'm ancy to get started but I can't let my W know that.

Luki - do not count on your inlaws. Blood is thicker than mud.

Telling my in-laws was the best thing I could have done. I have to agree with the Harley's the more that know, the better. My W (formerly know as my WW) went to her parents for a place to stay when we seperated because she I had shacked up with my mother and she couldn't afford the rent on her own. Once her parents found out she was having an A, they pretty much slammed the door in her face. To them I am pretty much the greatest thing since like, air. Since she couldn't stay with OM (something about him being married) she was forced to move in with me (and my mom <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I didn't tell anyone else, her sister did that for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . She pretty much feels the same way as her parents. I guess every situation is different though. JMVHO Maybe the GWO's could jump in on this one, I would like to see what they have to say about it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Here's what I did..

Inlaws would call quite often because they always wanted to know how we were doing.I told them WS left and wasn't coming home for days.

IL* Well maybe he just needs sometime to think,a break from all the fighting.

(at this time he would yell and scream at me for no reason,he was angry abusive)

I'm not fighting with him he yells at me,if I leave the room he fallows me gets up in my face"says you will listen to me don't you walk away!"

IL* Well it takes TWO ya know,what did you do to upset him!?

I asked him what time he was coming home!!

Then after I KNEW ABOUT THE AFFAIR HAD SOLID PROOF.I called them,I called everyone!!
Friends and Family

At first his parents were upset He's very confused right now,just stay there hang in there.
Mean while utilities were being shut off,he was taking her to all the high end hotels and resterants.

Then after two weeks they finally got ahold of there son...WHO TOLD THEM Marys' lieing we are only friends,i'm staying over at my buddies houses.

They now BELEIVE HIM.....And will not talk to me or there only grand baby.

The only person who calls(first time tonight) is the great grandparents....
And they echo the words IL say "THIS IS SAD,BUT IT TAKES TWO FOR A MARRIAGE TO FALL APART!"
They commented on how nice it was the OW(HIS FRIEND) Gave him her sports car.
I was about to vomit...

madly_truly_deeply ,

Your relationship with your ILs seems to be similar to mine. They know that I am owning up to my mistakes and I think that they have grown to love me(if I do say so myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) even more through this whole ordeal.

With that being said, what WAT(no pun) and BetrayedByMyBestFriend(thank G for copy-paste) have experienced certainly call for some trepidation.

In my case I have a prototype in that they are aware of the ongoing(???) EA with the ExBF but our unaware of the previous PA and the PA that has ended(????). They have been and I think will continue to be supportive especially when the PA aspect comes out. But for now, I am leaving that to her to do. I will stand by her side if/when she does fess up. If plan B arrives then I will consider spilling the beans. But I will follow WAT's suggestions and that will have to be well thought out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

OK, I think I got the strategy down for the ILs.

Now the question is, do you make the affair known to the OPs family in the case of them not being married?

As part of my plan B(still theoretical right now) my plan is to at least scorch his earth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . I have no relationship with his family whatsoever, so I have nothing to lose, right?

Wooo Hoooo! I am a full fledged member! I feel like I just graduated college again; I got the diploma and still don't know anything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, of course there is always going to be something to lose? Sleep, for one. Can you live with yourself for what you are about to do?

Or respect, for yourself for what you are about to do. And respect in the eyes of your WS. Have you discussed it with her?

There's also the risk of the OPS letting more people know.

If none of these things bother you than go for it.

Good points. I will have to think on this some more. It's still way off if at all. I am just trying to think of ways to cut off his support(ignorance is bliss) for this horrible act. Since there is no other BS, it seemed to me that the family would be the next logical step.

And I quote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know it is probably a big LB for anybody's WS, BUT, Dr. Harley is unequivocal on exposing the affair/bringing it to the light of day. He said to me that it helps bring reality faster. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, I finally called into the Harley program and spoke to the man himself and he said "As far as exposing affairs, I think that anything short of putting it on the evening news is appropriate". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and again...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't know but in my case if it doesn't work out - I go to Plan B - I think I will tell more people - not vindictively but for honesty and clarity.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I talking myself into it? (errr...yes)

Anyone care to set me straight. I can handle it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>