Luki - in my cost/benefit analysis of squealing to an unmarried OP's family, the scale tips too far to the "cost" side.

IMHO, being further removed, relatives of the OP won't give a hoot about an unknown BS. There's no "victim" spouse in sight and you'll be branded a wacko. There will be no scorched earth.

Add in the reasonable assumption that OP will report what you did to your wife - thus invading her "privacy" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> - equates to me that you have nothing to gain and LOTS to lose.

WAT

In my case forcing my WS to bring the affair to light only made her more bold. Now that people knew what she did and she didn't have to hide it she moved ahead with it at lightning speed. I think in my case it was definately a mistake.

Wow! You guys are good! I agree that forcing daylight can get you into trouble. Maybe I'm searching for a way that doesn't exist or is just plain dumb. I was also mad on the way back from work.

My other thought was to buy the OM (I know him) a cup of joe and let him know very politely the ramifications of the A. I would only attempt this as a part of Plan B.

I could also go up to the church where we were married which is also where the OM is doing construction(see "A sign?" below) and drag his a@@ to see the Reverend. I know, I'm in la la land with that one.

My best friend was an OM for a while so he has been a great source of inside information. The word addiction always surfaces when we discuss his A. It almost ruined his life.

Sorry to be so high maintenance but this topic has been troubling me greatly.

This place is a gold mine!

I should have known that there was a thread for this in here.

On contacting the OP

And yes, I did have my dates screwed up on my sig line. You guys know I need help now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

My other thought was to buy the OM (I know him) a cup of joe and let him know very politely the ramifications of the A. I would only attempt this as a part of Plan B.

Absotively, posolutely!!!!! He is living a fantasy life just as your W is. Let him know not only that you know, but that you are not going to give up so easily. I confronted my W's last "friend" OM#3, and the ony mistake I made was waiting so long. He was so freaked out and paranoid that he LB'd big time by taking it out on my W.

I could also go up to the church where we were married which is also where the OM is doing construction(see "A sign?" below) and drag his a@@ to see the Reverend. I know, I'm in la la land with that one.

La la land? I think not. Make that piece of kaka look someone else (someone with some respectability and dignity) in the eyes and explain his actions. To him, you may be just the chump husband, but the reverend is well, a reverend. And may possibly have influence over his job. I know that sounds underhanded, but so is sleeping with a married woman. After all, all is fair in love and war. I cannot say enough. Exposing the A and confronting the OM were the best things I could have done. I'm only sorry I didn't do it sooner.

JMHO

madly_truly_deeply ,

Thanks for the input! I was reading your sig line. Why were you the one to move out? Could you please comment on this in the thread:

I'm the BS, but I got the boot!!

I am trying to get some direction on how to handle my situation. Thanks.

madly_truly_deeply,

Another ?:

How did your WW react to your exposing the A? How does she feel about it now? Thanks!

I moved out of my own accord. It was before I had found the MB site (a true God send by the way). I moved out because I was not able to be in the same home with her, and since it made more practicle sense for the kids to stay with her, I moved in with my mother. It also gave her a dose of what life would be like without me. At first she kind of liked it, but it got old REAL quick. A real dose of reality for her.

As far as revealing her A's, (just for the record, whenever I told anyone of her A's, I informed them of my ONS also), that didn't bother her as much as when I confronted the OM's. I actually confronted two of the three OM's, the first one being a good friend of mine. She felt I had no business meddling in her "relationships". Can you say FOG???

Now she feels a little differently about my revealing the A's, and confronting the OM's. She still isn't happy about either, but understands why, and agrees they were probably helpful (maybe not quite so much as with confronting the OM's though, she still didn't like that one) in our reconciliation.

Just a thought. I have gotten a lot of good info here. You should check out my thread in PlanA/PlanB, "Help, OM called while i was making dinner". I got some really good advice and there is some good stuff there from a lot of good people.

I should really learn to put all my chickens in one basket before I sell them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

One more thought (probably not the last), I forgot to mention that moving out was a mistake on my part. I think things would have been easier if I had stayed but you never know. Every situation is different.

Today I reached the conclusion that it is not fair for me to live a lie along with my W in the fact that I have not revealed the As to the ILs.

I thought that she would come around fairly quickly and for the first 2 weeks she did. The last couple of days she has started to LB again and that broke the camels back.

I sat down with my FIL and danced around the details at little bit. It did not take him long to figure it out. My MIL has been very stressed lately so I think a man to man talk was the best thing. So EVERYTHING is out there. It was such a relief!! I don't have to walk around with this feeling of dishonesty on my back. He was very supportive and glad that I told him.

Well as far as I am concerned that is one for the "Tell the WS's family column". NOTE: In my case I was 99.9% sure of thier support.

They are in a better position to help, if they choose to, then they were before. That is up to them but at least they know the truth. They love their D and need to be aware of the minefields out there. I'm out.

When my H left, I had no idea what was happening or what was on his mind. I did kid with people that he was moving and I didn't think he was coming back. Turns out I wasn't kidding.

When I finally got the whole story, I told almost everyone. I just wanted to talk it out. I told SIL because H said we were just 'separtated' and that it was a 'mutual decision.'

I did not tell my in-laws or my mom for awhile. My brother and his new wife I told.

I told my friends, I have a lot. Some people came straight out and asked it there was 'someone else involved'. After I stammered for a few minutes, they basically figured it out.

My IL's suspected something all along and eventually heard it from WH's best friends grapevine.

My kids, I told the oldest. I have not told the younger two. I think my 15 yr old has figured it out. But I can't tell them. I thought my older ones needed to know.

I sometimes wish that so many people didn't know. Mostly in case WH ever returns. But I am willing to move to a different area if he can't overcome it.

I just NEEDED to talk to people. I was INSANE with hurt and humiliation. I turned EVERYWHERE for answers. WH said I could talk to anyone I needed to, and I DID!!!

Sometimes I thought "I shouldn't be doing this I am betraying my H's confidence." Then it would hit me. WHAT CONFIDENCE??. HE HAS BEEN BETRAYING ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG!!

Stupid, selfish, self-serving. Maybe. But it is done now and I can't take it back. Looking back I would have been more careful. But looking back I wish this whole thing never happened.

Good for you L, I personally think you did the right thing. I agree with the Harley's, the more that know the better. I would even say go a bit further and go ahead and put on the evening news (jk). Seriously, good luck. I hope your IL's are on your side. Let us know how it goes.

My WS asked me not to say anything that the A was over. I din't for months but broke down and told my family. When they asked him he said it was an EA and over for months. I found out 2 weeks later it wasn't over and they had been sleeping together. I have since told friends and family and an very thankful for their support. I also found out that everyone at their work knew, thought I was a fool and most people around town were suspecting, including our neighbors.( they has seen the OW car at our home when I was out of town. She was a close friend, but they thought it stange.) Althought I feel close friends need to know to offer support,I do feel invaded that strangers know.

This is a great topic. I just learned that my WW's A went physical before she left for Germany. I intercepted three emails from three sources, including her sister, who is a deacon in their church.

The OM sent a pretty classy love letter explaining how horny he was -- wanting to "lick her and have her c*me in his mouth." I immediately contacted my Pastor and forwarded them to him as evidence.

I confronted both WW and OM via email, in a loving, understanding and gentle fashion.

WW responded via email the next, with righteous indignation about my having invaded her privacy. Apparently, she only cares about community property when it suits her. I told her that God didn't care what date she filed, as He knows what she was up to whole time.

OM actually called me and confirmed the A. He insisted that they only became more than friends recently. He claims that he loves her, and fell in love with her in late November. That would be about 8 weeks after she left me, leaving most of her stuff at the house. To hear him talk, they have been "best friends" for awhile, and they didn't mean to fall in love. Yeah, right.

WW will return from Germany in 10 days, so I'm waiting for the fallout. WW touches down for about 3 weeks -- and is probably chafing about confronting her minister father with the news.

What bothered me was that she blamed the whole M breakdown on me -- and after months of soul-searching, confessing and repenting -- I still really couldn't see things as more than a garden variety communication breakdown.

I admit I suspected their attraction over a year ago. It took me that long to gather the evidence, and it was a terrific burden lifted off my shoulders.

As a Christian, I am transparent on these issues. My Pastor has indicated that if WW's Pastor/Father fails to exercise church discipline, he will contact WW's father and advise him of the spiritual implications. I can't imagine adultery can be justified, but you never know...

So, I'm curious -- how many believe that their EA became a PA only AFTER WW moved out -- or do you think there was some kissy-face, etc. -- before D-Day?

WW started an inappropriate friendship with OM, to whom she was attracted -- had him fill nearly all of her EN's -- and then came home and said everything was okay.

Anyone here think this wasn't an EA?

awake,

I am sorry you have to go through this. OM is a sleaze ball, JMO. Sounds like everyone knows. Is this right? My situation has told me that once it’s out in the open you have to be hands off and let the thing die “a natural death.” Easier said than done, believe I am playing the waiting game, and it is excruciating at times. Of course she blames the whole thing on you. After all you were the one who forced her into this. It’s your entire fault. My WW did the same thing to me. I bought it for a while, but came to realize that I was only half of the equation.

It’s time to let this thing wither on the vine. At first the A may go deep underground but we humans are a social bunch and need to come up for air and sunshine. As don’t like either. As thrive in a fantasy world.

What your pastor does is up to him. If you’re seen as the perpetrator of any contact between pastor and FIL, WW will see this as an attempt to control her. They are a crazy bunch, yes?

Anyway, I hope you see through my sarcasm to what I am getting at. Take care of your end of the deal and hang in there.

THis whole issue of 'who's to blame' comes up in probably every situation involving infidelity. In the end, it doesn't matter who is at fault (you both are, and the OP is just a symptom).

Next time it comes up, try this (I did, and it made my WW think): "Okay, how about if we just assume that I am to blame for EVERYTHING that was WRONG with our M. And I will gladly give you FULL CREDIT for EVERYTHING that was RIGHT with our M. Does that help?"

And the answer will have to be "no, this wasn't ALL your fault..."

The point is that participating in the blame-fest will get you nowhere. Since the WS is in the fog, it's up to the BS to think rationally, and focus on the positives, such as they are.

-ol' Qfwfq

I called my WS' best friends at the motel when I found them on D-Day. He has not talked to them about the A. When I suspected an A, I had told them and they said, "No Way". Having an A was not expected of my WS. That's one reason why I took him for granted. He has always been moralistic, upstanding in the community. He is a "good man gone bad". Even Steve H. told me "his friends will be your allies."

Given the above, bringing the A to the light of day has been crucial in bringing my WS around. He is extremely embarassed about it, not talking to friends that he used to spend hours on the phone talking to. In a discussion today, he stated that the OW has asked him if they can be "normal" now, going out into the open. He stated that, before leaving home, he thought he could do it. He has realized that he cannot; he still has wanted to hide and states that he is tired of leading a "double life".

It has been a bad decision for me to tell my mother. It seems like she wants me to get a divorce and is not pro-marriage at all. Anytime I tell her about my hopes for the marriage, she gets angry and irate and does not want me to trust him. I had words with her about this. I do not consider her understanding and supportive of how I really feel. Of course, she got a divorce from my father who was a philanderer and she is happily remarried. I guess she wants me to be like her.

That would be pretty depressing to think of the possibility that one's mom is encouraging the dissolution of a M primarily (or secondarily or whatever) to justify mom's own decision X number of years ago.

This was just the first thought to pop in my head. Maybe it is because she wants to spare you more pain, or a need to deprive all male WSs, but it didn't really sound like it.

Although your mother may be being a bit overly optimistic about the prospects for remarrying when you are close to 50 (as am I), I think she is correct that you should be very hesitant to trust a WS.

The choice middle-aged WS's make between the OW and the wife is virtually always based on money - they will take the road that guarantees them the greatest financial benefit. Exposing the affair to the "light of day" if often completely irrelevant. So my H doesn't see any old friends - the OW found him new friends (hers), a new job (at her place of employment), a new SUV (at a cost far exceeding a year's worth of his current salary that is a third of what he used to earn). He is required by the divorce agreement to contribute to our kid's tuition, but he is refusing to contribute even the relatively meager $1100 a year that is his share, plus he now is taking me to court to try to lower the child support further. IT IS ALL ABOUT MONEY!!!!!!!! It isn't just chance that so many men decide to leave just as their eldest is entering college - they don't want to pay one penny more than they absolutely have to for college expenses. He doesn't even care if his kids starve, or go without warm clothes. Yet he refused to let our son go to vo-tech school so at least he could get a decent job when he got out of high school because there is no way I am going to be able to afford to send him to college.