Hi Deluded
Bit late catching up today, but glad to see you are feeling a bit brighter.
Firstly, Nick makes a good point at the end of his last note, and I mentioned it too. The reason I am repeating this, is because of the comment you made about how snooping winds you up and also disgusts you. If you find evidence of the A continuing, how will you deal with this and how will it make you feel? Don't do it if you can't cope with finding bad news.
I am sorry to hear that your mother is ill. That must be a terrible worry for you being so far away on top of all your other problems. If you have given up on anti-d's and sleeping tablets (which I can fully understand, I lasted 2 weeks on Seroxat), why not try St John's Wort? Also, I think that makes it even more important that you get some councilling.
I will try to answer your question about the start of my A. Did I know that it would happen - yes, I know it sounds terrible, but we were already friends, and we met and talked about whether or not the PA would start. So yes, I suppose I did acknowledge it, although I truly didn't think of what the outcomes may be.
Just before the first time we were together, I went to see H in Germany and got very upset. I told him how down I'd been feeling, how I didn't think he had been there for me. I cried and bawled, and he said that he was glad I had told him and he was sorry. I didn't tell him I was on the verge of doing something incredibly stupid and I regret this. 5 days later I slept with OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Again, not long after that (a few weeks), I tried the same conversation again, H said "Heaven forbid you should have a hard life Lisa". At the time, I thought if he truly acknowledged how I was feeling, it would all stop, but he had to a certain extent earlier (although done nothing about it), so whether or not I would have done, I really don't know. Perhaps I was just kidding myself.
This all sounds so terrible, but I'm trying to be honest - honestly, I don't know why OM, why then, what it was about. OM was hardly going to whisk me away from it all (his W and 4 kids were a pretty serious ingredient in the mix, so perhaps that was why OM). Also, I think we were pretty serious even before the PA. It was a choice we both made, but one we both felt was inevitable - selfish, WS talk.
Hope you have a good weekend Deluded, I don't post much on the weekend, so will catch up Monday.
Lisa
P.S. Mum is moving to Wootton Courtenay, actually in the National Park - do you know it?
