Hi,

In Jan, it will be 2 years since I began posting at MB. 2 years ago, I was a basket case (d/d happened 11/25/00. Life has never been the same but right now our family is back together.

There were so many here when I started, all of us new and in great pain. Many have left or no longer post.

To those still here, please let us know how you are doing. I also think it would be helpful to the new ones here also. I know that when some of the older posters (2000 - prior) gave their status and insight, it was a great help to me.

I am not looking for only the 'supposed success/recovery stories'.... Success comes in many shapes and sizes. No, what helped me was to know how people were doing. So everyone's input is welcomed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So you 2001 MBers and prior ones....... let's hear from U!

take care,
L.

<small>[ December 01, 2002, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Been here since 6/01. W filed for D 11/01. D proceeding very slowly, letting W set the pace. She has never given any indication about reconciling, but seems to be struggling with selling the house, getting the D over and moving on. I believe she's suffering from depression and has been for a long time. She's unhappy and sees no happiness in her future, but is finally considering seeing a counselor. I'm hanging in there, preparing myself for starting over, yet still hoping D can be avoided, but that seems unlikely. What I've learned is that I'm much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for being and I'm a better person now than I was 2 years ago. I'll be able to move on with my life guilt free, knowing I did all I can. My W won't be able to say that.

sad dad

OK, Orchid, I'll jump in first.

Glad to see it's a slow Sunday for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Most of the major elements of my story are in my tag line, but the details (the hard, day-to-day details) are more painful:
One fine Friday in May, 2001, I got home to find my WH just gone. I came home to a note, and div. papers. I was numb. I was confused. I was scared. I was bewildered. I still have no hard and fast answers. Just conjecture and assumptions on my part.

I still have some of those things. I don't believe there ever was a "serious" OW, so it makes what happened even more unbelievable.

SO, what has changed? I have! I "found" MB within just a couple of weeks of his leaving. I read and read. I devoured everything on this web-site. I rediscovered my relationship with my God. I prayed a LOT.

I healed. At least I began healing. I now understand about "un-met EN's." Yes, had heard some of those terms before, blah, blah, keep each other "happy" - blah, blah, blah. But NO ONE had ever explained it in a way that said it impacted directly on the health of your M, the way W. Harley did. I read and thought, and understood.

I also understood more about why it was important for ME to fix myself, and become "whole" again. I am doing that. I didn't say I DID that, cause I don't think I'm "there" yet. But I've come a long way! Orchid, I think that's what you want these posts to say, isn't it? You want to assure newbies that it's a process, and it's ok to still have "down days," cause, boy did I have a few during this past week-end. Does this mean I have regressed? I don't think so. But I think it shows that I still have love for my WH (who I still have not heard from - now 5 months, since the Div was finalized).

Because I'm not sure any of us ever "arrive." We're all on a journey, and we do better, get stronger, with every step, but none of us ever "arrive" fully, I don't believe.

Soooo, if you're new into this, remember this: Many here have had years of Thansgivings, Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries (me: 2 of each) with their spouse MIA. The healing continues every day for me.

It hurts, yes. But just like the "sage ones" told me, the hurt gets easier to deal with. The fine folks on MB are here to help you get over the really dark, hard days, if you need it!

My boss even complimented me the other day and told me that it seemed like I had "found my center" and was doing better. I think I am. I owe it all to MB. I could have never handled this without this site, and all the great advice I was given here. They said it would get easier, and I would grow strong and one day feel "normal" (or near normal) again. I didn't believe it, but they were right!

Thank you, all. Especially Orchid, for reaching out during your own hurts and trials to help others. There are tons of others, too, so I won't try to name them all, for fear of leaving someone dear out of the list. You all know who you are.

God Bless you all.

I started posting shortly after I found out for sure about H's affair. I found out the day he ended it with the OW because she called me. I don't post nearly as much anymore but we are at about 3 and a half years of happy and successful recovery. We both learned a lot of lessons.

d-day for me was 09-14-01, so I'm just over a year since then. We are in recovery tho the journey has been long and hard. He is in recovery now also from drug abuse that began after his confession to me of the A's. He was gone from our home for 3 months in rehab in another state. The hurt was so terrible for so long but now? I know it hurt but I can't dredge it up any more (well, I do feel sad tho sometimes). Its like childbirth in a way, after awhile ,yes you remember it hurt but you can't FEEL that pain anymore. And I feel like this whole process has been a rebirth of sorts for the both of us. Do I wish it never happened? Of course! Maybe someday I will be able to look back on all this mess and say that it was worth it to go thru it but not yet. That doesn't mean that things are terrible. They are so much better in so many ways. My H is now the father he and I both wished he had been before. Our R is more open, honest and realistic than it ever was. But the cost.. Especially to me. I can't look at my H anymore with those eyes just shining w/ love. I regret most that loss of innocence, that unadulterated emotion that I once had for him.

But like lupolady says, the healing continues day by day. I am a changed person, there is no doubt. The positive changes: less judgmental, more able to see both the good and bad of any person, more humble. The negative: less trusting of others, the feeling of being "damaged" that I have. I suppose they will balance out with time.

MB is still a great source for me tho I don't post much anymore. C

Hi Orchid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've been here since 12/98. MB was with me through separations 2-7. The final reconciliation 5/00.

Guard & I are doing great. The other night I had a bad dream. Guard talked me through it, saying concentrate on all the good things we have and the way we're going to grow old together doing the things we love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Hi O,

Been here since Dec 2000, My first D-Day was Jan 28, 2000 when I picked up a suspicious voicemail after many disappearances - denial from H. Asked him to move out, he did March 2000. Discovered pregnancy 2 weeks later. More suspicious stuff occurs. Confirmed A April 2000. First false recovery in Dec 2000, when we both chose to use MB and started counseling with Steve. Discovered March 7, that he was simply appeasing me, and had been dating alot of women. Filed for divorce at Steve H's advice. H went right back to OW.

First court date was July 29, 2001. July 28th, the night before we were due in court, he asked me to let him move home and promised a NC letter and radical honesty, along with whatever it took to make us work.

We've been in steady recovery ever since. Our relationship is far better now than its ever been. This summer we were contacted by a PI who gave us alot of info about the OW (including an outstanding arrest warrant) - my husband is completely out of the fog after learning just exactly how selfish and manipulative she was. She supposedly married in March 2002, 6 months after my husband left her for "us".

Christmas will be wonderful. My loving(!) formerly wayward husband is excited planning a gift for me - like a little kid, he can't help telling me about his "secret" and how he can't wait for Christmas!

D-day was June 16, 2001, almost 18 months ago. I use odd terminology to describe the state I'm in. I don't consider us to be in recovery but like an alcoholic who is recovering yet will always be an alcoholic, I consider us recovering from an affair because the affair will always be a part of our marriage. Make sense?

Are we happy? I believed we were happy when all the while he was enmeshed in an EA and I was clueless. He seems happy and he appears to be trying his best to make me happy. I feel like that person whose brand new car was damaged in an accident and even when it's repaired, you always know that it's not the new car any more, but held together with putty and new paint. I wonder if I will ever trust him again. I wonder if I will ever trust my instincts again.

So although the marriage has survived, it's not the same. The wounds have healed but the scars are still there and always will be.

Came on board around May, 2001. Used to go by the name "cant let go". H in affair with coworker. (Still- as of last week.) He denies it all. Last yr we fought constantly. I tried to get him to admit the truth. He said we "were over a long time ago" etc. etc. Blamed me for everything & anything. Still does. Definate mid life crisis on top of some major depression I say. He bought a motorcyle this year. Both of us in new jobs. Didnt help. He filed Nov '01 after OW's divorce was final. Then moved out. Dismissed it & came home 6 weeks later, Jan '01 but I think it was only to fix up the house & convince me to sell it. At the time he came back I found him with OW or parked at her place or heard a phone call more than once. He since has cell phone as well as laptop. He never brought any documents home. Would hide them in truck & lock truck in our garage. No credit card statements, nothing at home!! Would never be home in evening until 10:30 or 11PM. AFter the 1st few days, he went back to sleeping on floor etc. Blames me for demise of marriage yada..yada... Never gave our marriage a chance or any effort this whole year.

Thought it was over. In May he had 3 out of state trips back to back. Stayed in airport city when he got back on Friday night each time. 3rd time he said he " was staying to catch up on work" I drove to Ow's place & his truck was parked there. So pretty sure he had been there the last 2 wkends.

I needed surgery the end of July. Thinks better for a while. I had hope. AFter surgery turned out not to be cancer he was back to old self. Fighting with me while I was still in the hospital! and saying awful things!! After a day or 2, would stay gone all night & come home to sleep. ALl of a sudden the bed that "hurt his back" was just fine. It was upstairs away from me! I saw his cell phone bill. He called her every day while I was in hospital and afterwards!That rotten @#$*@. And why do I still wish he'd come back & make our marriage work??? I have no idea. I must be sick!!

When I did go back to work, he began to look for apt. & moved out in October. Refuses to give me his address until "after we are divorced" because I would be "spying on him". I told him if he were doing nothing wrong, I would have nothing to see!!! He still drops by once a week. Asks me if all is okay & then leaves like some stranger. Avoids me most of the time ( I see him at social functions). He avoids our friends alot too!! He moved out Oct 1st this time & his lawyer filed papers Dec 1st. He must be happy thinking I no longer care & am fine, (in his mind). AARGH!

Last time he left, I was doing pretty well. This time I feel lost, abandoned & very alone. It hurts too much. I guess last time I had hopes of his return & it'd only been a few months. This time, I dont hold my breath & its been almost 2 yrs. No signs of him being truthful or wanting ME instead of OW.

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</small>

Looking for more updates!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

L.

I will update that I first lurked in Sept. of 01- when I suspected the A- and when it happened... actually in the beginning I was just reading the site then the books.. which I am redoing again and reapplying...

My h's A went into full swing through the end of last yr and was ending even around Christmas... but still had to lurk on.. the first a was with the flirt or the office you know what...

Later my wh's drinking situation got worse to which it has worsened this yr . .. He was laid off his nice job and got a fat severence to have fun on....

I became a single mom and basically throughout my plan a attempts ... was even a QUEEN OF LB's

Since he didn't stop the A right away , but was willing to see me on and off throughout this whole crusade.. it has been hard...

We did the counseling in the beginning where he couldn't end the A.

Later he had what I wuold call PA only with a maid.... he won't really admit to that per se.
Too much evidence points to this shameful reality.

Now we are in the depths of alcohlism and a sad seperation. I am back in alanon actively working the steps.. after starting back to alanon again after a 4 yr span with very few meetings... a few a year on a verage... now to several a week and a new sponsor.

We are in counseling.. the 4th counselor I think since the seperation.. One lasted about 4 appts, another 2-3, the harleys... which are out of budget right now... and now a church counselor which is helping a lot.

My h still says no D... but how do we fix this? He is not sure... Still fog talk,, and very often tells me he loves me and wants us to work this out... but bounces back in forth.

There has been tremendous improvement in HOPE since the ow's are out of the picture.. but we still have infidelity and the hurt of it to recover from as well as all the hurts we caused each other that led to it..

BTW- I had a major injury that had me bedridden for part of the time and not at all myself 2 yrs prior to the seperation....

THere is hope, even in the worst scenarios.

God works miracles.

Hugs and thanks to all of you for your kindness and for putting up with me at times... I am quite stubborn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .....

Thanks for helping me grow and hopefully continue to get to the real recovery days... they are coming slowly for me, but I do think we will get there.

Honey

PS- Some of your recovery stories are bringing tears to my eyes... THANKS to all of you.

H

Hey Orchid,

I guess I qualify to post on this thread.

I knew something was wrong in December of 2000. That is when I started "investigating. In January of 2001 I discovered an email from my wife to her friends claiming how miserable her life was because of me... of course she couldn't come up with one thing I was doing wrong. The kids and I moved out a few weeks later.

D-day was sometime in March of 2001, I knew long before then but it was proven then admitted in March.

Discovered Marriage Builders about that time... it helped save my sanity more than anything else. I found people who had been through this and survived(some had even recovered their marriages). There were people here that I could relate to, and people whose situations were more screwed up than mine(which was pretty screwed up).

Anyway the divorce was final in July of 2001. The whole time between Jan 01 and July 01 we would sometimes "try to work" on our relationship... it was nothing but cake eating on her part.

About 6 months after our divorce(December 2001), we start spending a lot of time together. Nothing committed, just testing the waters really.

BUT during the months leading up to December, I became involved with a girl through my job, over the internet and out of town. When December came around my x-wife was wanting to spend time together and the other girl and I were already planning a get-away. I was completely honest with my x-wife about this other girl and the planned weekend.

I wanted to just cancel the get-away and forget the other girl and get my wife and family back. But I believed completely that if I had broken things off with the other girl and gone back to my x-wife at that point, my x-wife would have always believed that she could get me back any time she wanted. Over the past year we had had a number of "false recoveries" when I had dropped everything for her, just to get hurt.

So this time, I risked it all. I went off for a weekend with the other girl... crushing my x-wife(and by then she was promising me the world if I cancelled). It tore her apart for her to know exactly where I was and that I was with another girl. At least my x-wife could base her decisions on the truth and not a bunch of lies.

After the weekend was over and the girl went back to her home town, I went to visit my x-wife. She was very mad and hurt, but she knew she could get past this if I did my part.. and I did. No contact, complete commitment and meeting needs.

We were back together later that week then my x-wife moved in with me and the kids. The first couple of months were a little rough(more good than bad). We could related to each other. We could understand each others triggers and we both want to do whatever we can to help the other forget and get over the past.

So anyway, 6 months after my x-wife moving back in with me, we got re-married. And now 6 months after that, things are going great and still getting better.

We still have bumps... me mostly. I get triggered more often. For short periods of time I still get very upset(no LBing though), but it's rare that I do. Trust is still an issue, but we're getting there. My wife will get triggered about my other relationship and she'll let me know about it... she has NO problems expressing her concerns over that matter... which is fine I much rather her talk about it.

Now of course a big trigger day is coming up... New Years. That was the weekend last year I spent with someone else. I'm going to be walking on egg shells that day, I know it will come up and she'll probably LB a lot. But, that's ok really, I know how she feels.

Whew!!! I didn't mean to write all that! I haven't posted much at all over the past year, guess I've been saving it all up.

Thanks to everyone here! Good luck!

TTFN

<small>[ December 06, 2002, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</small>

Well I guess I qualify, too.

D-day was 2/15/01...I found MB in March '01 and have been here ever since.

WW moved out the first time in March '01. She moved back in August of '01 but false recovery despite our going to counseling together for four months. She said her heart wasn't in it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

She moved out again on New Year's Eve '01 and has been living on her own since then---yeah, that's right we are a few weeks away from a full year of separation.

She resuymed contact w/OM in Feb. '02...that ended and according to OMW, they are doing well in recovery. (Yes I have been in contact with her for nearly the length of time I have known about the A.) OM & family live about 1,500 miles away.

What now? I am not sure. Neither of has filed though we talk about it and realize we can't continue like this. Perhaps something will give after the holidays...maybe sooner. If I were betting I would guess it is more likely to be divorce rather than reconciliation. Not exactly what I want but we don't always get what we want, do we? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am doing OK...I went thru all the ups and downs of everyone else here but I give a lot of the credit of my learning and strength to the many faceless friends I have encountered here at MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am strongeer than I have ever been and know now that I can make it on my own if I have to.

For those who are new...hang in there and keep the faith...you will survive...

E

Hi to all!

My update, simply, is that I am thriving!

A brief chronology is in my sig line. We lost our youngest son to cancer in August, 1999, after a five year battle including two bone marrow Xplants. I believe my wife never grieved and sought refuge as a surrogate Mom to neighbor kids via their Dad the following spring (I have a professional opinion that supports this twilight zone scenario). That said, our marriage was already challenged by our focus on our boys during our long struggle. I also believe my wife suffered from the effects of being raised by an alcoholic mother and a history of mental illness on both sides of her family. However, I was not innocent and contributed to the poor marital environment with angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements - motivated by my frustration with the lack of closeness from my wife, motivated by my angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements, motivated by - well you get the picture. The Chicken and Egg Death Spiral.

WS was the archetype alien abductee. She has never admitted an affair and I believe to this day she actually believes she didn't have one.

"I'm not having an affair!! I'm in love with <OM> - what about that don't you understand?"

"I HAD to move out!! It was YOUR decision NOT to move out!!!"

She hardly wavered, never agreed to counseling, and was hell bent on divorce almost from the git-go even though OM's kids rebuked both her and their Dad. My surviving son, now an "only" wanting to please both parents, was caught in the middle and also denies an affair took place. "Things just happened." "You're delusional, Dad."

I hit the lowest point in my life on the first anniversary of our son's death about two months after d-day. I went into deep depression and lost 25 pounds (150 to 125) on the infidelity diet. Got on anti-deps and slowly climbed out with the help of friends, family, and all the good folks here at MB.

I chose not to resist my wife's actions toward separation and divorce. Everything was completely her decision. This was the smartest thing I did because today I am guilt-free in that I didn't initiate anything toward the breakup of two families and, rather, did everything within my power to provide for recovery from the huge mess. Nonetheless, I was disowned by my in-laws for reasons I have not heard nor would likely understand.

OM's family came completely apart at the seams and his two oldest children have all but disowned him. His treatment and disregard he has shown to his children, after first hand witnessing the last years of my son's life and his death, continues to baffle me and all who know what has taken place. The archetype pond scum. His XW is still struggling a lot, having never adopted MB. Very, very sad.

Now, I try hard to be the best Dad possible for my remaining son. My biggest challenge is my day-to-day coping with the fact that OM is his step-Dad and my fear of all the things my son is learning in the environment he spends half his time in.

But, I have a new romantic interest in a wonderful lady and I am thriving! Everything is looking up and promising! I am excited again about life and I owe much to MB for my recovery!

OK guys - here are the stats so far from this thread:

- Family back together, in recovery: 46%
- Still could go either way: 20%
- Family broken apart (but individuals feeling more or less OK about it): 33%

Interesting! I'm sure that if you would take a sample of non-MB using Betrayed/Wayward couples, the odds for 'family back together' wouldn&#8217;t be so high.

Nick the Statistician.

I'm still around lurking mostly.
Here's a link to a two year old thread with my story http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html

Status report you say ? We are still together.

I came here toward the ealy part of 1999 I think. I was a mess. Sometimes I admit I am still afraid that he will hurt me again. It is sick but somewhere in the darkest parts of my heart I am afraid he is just waiting for me to trust him 100 % and then it will happen again. Makes me afraid to be too happy or too trusting Sick isn't it ?

We are empty nesters now, that was another big fear for me, that as soon as Son graduated and left home he would leave too. I'm glad he didn't.

He still has knight in shining armor syndrome (grrrrrrr) and I have to remind him of why it bothers me so bad sometimes. I just tell him that him *rescuing * other women has never caused anything but pain for me he does seem to back off from it a bit.

We just went through a few months where I was almost totally dependant on hubby, had a hysterectomy (I had a two pound tumor and lots of smaller problems so I told the doc to take it all out !) After surgery my incision came open.

If you have never had that happen it is bad, real bad. we are talking about a hole big enough that it takes a 4 yard roll of kerlex to fill it (like gauze only thicker) . Debs bozo was it for me, he had to take care of my wound twice a day, take care of all meals and any cleaning that got done.

I admit he took good care of me and I was so thankful, I would not have made it through that without him. I'm better now and the hole is almost closed, (The surgery was in JULY !!)

When you add that to the year of treatment for Hep C and the sickness the treatment caused me to go through I think we'll make it.

One thing I try to do is to remember to put this marriage in God's Hands, He knows what He is doing and I'm glad because I sure don't !

Nick,

Glad you think statistically!! Would you update your % periodically...Would be very helpful to me! Thanks, CSue

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: still forever hers ]</small>

Been a long long time since I posted anything about my personal situation here.

Status: limbo land. I moved out in June and we've been living apart and sharing custody 50/50 since then. Kids live with me every other week.

We were meeting with a mediator (no lawyers) until July, and have our petition about 80% complete. Then I lost my job.

I cannot afford to pay the mediator. And BH won't (the drag your feet tactic that MB promotes). So until I get back on my feet financially we are in divorce-limbo-land.

I would guess that maybe by February or so I might be able to get things moving again. I don't feel married anymore (more just a technical status I guess)

We get along ok 90% of the time. Its real easy for both of us to take things the wrong way. It often feels like there are land mines all around us just waiting for one of us to say something wrong or for the other to take something wrong.

There is zero percent chance of us getting back together -- and I think BH finally accepts that.

I am not seeing OM -- but he still calls now and then. I'm not dating anyone right now, but open to the possibility. Really I just want to relax and enjoy life for a while without a relationship.

My focus is on being a good mom and getting my career back on track. Thats enough.

I'm sure that many people look at my situation and see Karma -- I went from a 6 figure salary, nice house and nice lifestyle -- to living in a small apartment and applying for assistance.

I guess thats how bad I wanted out of that marriage. Regardless of my financial hardships, I would not go back to my previous life.

I'm one of those who says "its not about OM" and I truly mean it.

The computer I have now is an old relic -- so I can read posts, but can't reply (it crawls too slow and times out). So I only post occasionally when I am using someone else's computer! But I try to keep up with everyone's stories.

((Hugs)) to you all!