Hope4Future:
You have no idea how much that means to me, hearing that come from a FWS. Thank you so much! Again, I have no expectations, but I am feeling good about sending this to my WW today. I am happy that there are so many good people here who have helped me with this letter. I plan to email it today once Cerri gives the final version a look.
By the way, here's the letter in its current revision:
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WW,
When we first met, we used to send each other those huge emails all the time, never seeming to run out of things to say. You always had a way of making eveerything better. I was comfortable talking to you about anything, I valued your opinions, and I learned from you. I could just sit and talk to you for hours. Even in the middle of the night, I used to check the computer for messages, in the hopes I might have some new words from you. So, the fact that I suddenly can't share a conversation with you every day is something I truly miss. There's so much I want to say to you, but it's obviously hard to do that right now, so I've decided to write you a letter. I wish I could have said these things to you in the weeks you were home, before you left. I didn't know how to express my feelings correctly.
I've said so many things since October that I regret, and I hope you know that. I am not proud of the way that I have handled things. All I ever wanted was to make things better for you, and for us. Before all of this happened, I was stuck in a fantasy world of assuming that doing things I liked meant that we were doing things YOU liked as well. I was blind to the fact that I wasn't being fair and giving us equal time to do things that we both enjoyed. I screwed up.
I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. You needed empathy, comfort, affection, admiration, and I didn't even see it. The more I think about things, the more mistakes I realize that I made. I allowed our lives became a schedule, a "to-do" list of tasks. I lost sight of the most important thing, the thing I vowed to do a year ago - Take care of you, and make you as happy as you made me. Nothing else comes second to that. Not cleaning up the house, watching movies and tv shows, buying electonics and dvds, home improvement projects...nothing. I convinced myself that I was being this great husband to you, and I tricked myself into believing that. I never realized just how much I was failing you.
The pain of these past months fades in comparison to all of the happiness that I shared with you over the past three years. I have such vivid memories of it all. I had such a loving companion in you, and I squandered it away, taking for granted the fact that I thought we'd have each other forever. That there would always be a tomorrow to make up for the shortcomings of today. I didn't consider the fact that I might one day run out of tomorrows.
Whatever might become of us, I just hope you will never look back at our 3 years and think that it was wasted time. I haven't thought that for a moment. I will always cherish each and every moment that I had with you. I love you WW, I always will. I realize that I let you down a lot over the past few months, and disappointed you. I know you once loved me and had such a bright outlook for our future. I hope that, when you reflect on all of the good things, you won't regret that you spent these last 3 years with me. You have been my companion, my lover, my teacher, and my best friend. I wouldn't trade what we had for anything in the world.
I want you to be happy, WW. It's all I ever wanted. Nothing could ever match the satisfaction that I felt when I made you smile, whether it was taking you somewhere special, making you a good dinner, or just being there for you when you needed me. It's frustrating for me because I know in my heart that you and I could be so incredible together. It may be selfish thinking on my part, but I truly believe that no one on Earth could make you a happier person than I can. I understand that it may not seem that way to you now, but I also feel that, somewhere down the road, that may change for you. You told me that you are searching for happiness right now, and while I wish you were doing that with me, I love you enough to give you the space you are requesting.
I realize that you are not ready to work on our marriage today. This letter can't change that. Nothing I say, nothing I do can change that. We have forever to end our marriage, but probably not much time to save it. You saw that I went through some indecision myself after all of this happened, but in the end, I always came to the same conclusion -- I still love you, and I feel certain that we could rebuild our marriage. This could be an opportunity to have a better marriage than ever, and I am prepared to make the changes that I know you need to feel happily married.
I am not afraid of going on without you in my life. What I am afraid of is that you'll have let me go without my telling you just how wonderful of a woman you are or making it clear to you that, right now, I would still very much like to rebuild our marriage. I am capable of finding another woman, but I would rather rebuild my marriage to you. Before we end this marriage, please consider doing all that we can to save it, because I fear you will never know how wonderful it was until it is lost completely. You will only receive kindness, understanding, and love if you decide to come back, but please understand that I cannot wait indefinitely...it is just too hard. You would not respect me if I did.
I just wish I could give you a big hug right now. I wish we could go back in time to those unspoiled moments in our relationship. If I could go back and start from those moments once more, I would hold you longer, and never miss a chance to tell you how very much you mean to me. I don't simply want to turn back the clock and just make things the way they used to be. I want our marriage to be better than it ever was.
I'm going to go now, but I do have a final thought that I wanted to share with you. I was thinking back to all of those Sunday nights that were so sad because you had to leave to go back to school the next day. We made the most out of them. We snuggled, we talked, we held each other late into the night. It felt like eternity until we'd see each other again when I knew you had to go the next day, and I wanted to treasure every minute that we had together on those nights. While I was thinking about those nights, I realized something -- There's no reason in the world that every night shouldn't have been that way for us. Every day can, and should have been, just as special, because it was another day that I had you in my life. It was a gift. None of us know how much time we've got left, but I didn't want another day to go by without telling you that I have always loved you, and to say thank you.
In my heart, I hope and dream that we haven't yet spent our last "Sunday night" together.
All My Love,
ALS
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