UGHH! Is MB having problems today or just my Internet connection?

I typed this really nice post and poof - gone!

No, I don't watch Dr. Phil. It comes on at 4 and I'm still at work. Can't really as DD to tape it for me! We have a cable box and haven't figured out how to tape without standing there and pressing "record". Oh well.

Does your insurance cover mc? I looked up our insurance on Internet and it listed several mc in our area. I don't know whether that means they are in our ppo and would only have to pay an encounter fee or not. It would be definitely worth it. What about calling here? I think they are high but after reading all their principals and ideas I think I would rather have a counselor who was talking the same lingo and held the same ideas about MB in their head as me. JMO.
DB - we'll see if this one will post!

its MB, and i lost one too. I tried the internet, its about 40 miles to the nearest, and its the only choice that close. I don't know how expensive here is, but at this point, i think it may be the best option, like you at least we would be talking the same language. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I will listen really good to Dr. Phil, and tell you all about it. He cracks me up.

I'll be waiting for your thoughts on the show. I hope you get something good out of it. We all need it....

Hi Dazed

I watched most of Dr. Phil. I guess the thing that stuck with me the most is that we only have one shot at at this life, its to short to short change ourselves. I talked to H again last night. I told him about the show. He said that we need to talk about what makes me happy instead of worring about what is about to end anyway. we will see.

How is your morning shaping up. I teach school, special ed. What do you do, if i might ask. I live in Oklahoma, but am a Florida girl at heart.

I went to the Dr. Phil website and read about the show. Also, have you read the thread you started yesterday? Jen Brown took notes and alot of them were very thought provoking. The one about past deeds and future deeds struck a little close to home. He did it before and did again, is there a 3rd time in my future???? Don't want to think about that.

For some reason I'm a little sad today. Should be happy but I'm not. Maybe pms! I think I want to do something - have a talk with him or give the book SAA or SOMETHING. I feel restless - like we are just treading water and can't tell if we're in RECOVERY or on a HONEYMOON or just in DENIAL of everything. Tonight there is no chance for talk because we have DS basketball game and won't get home til probably 10 and I hate to start in on emotional conversation after such a BUSY night!

I work in an office. I kinda do a lot of stuff. Receptionist, bookkeeper, office manager, secretarial. We have a cable modem so am online all the time. I have a lot of work to do but have really just been reading, reading, reading since this whole thing started 4 weeks ago tomorrow! When will I quit counting?

I live in Illinois. Sunny but cold today. Sunny and cold all week - maybe a little snow on Friday - of course when I have plans to finish Christmas shopping.

Back to our problems. When is your next talk with your H? That's amazing he's thinking about you. Or is it so he doesn't have to feel guilty?
DB

I know what you mean, thinking about living through this again is really hard. I am thinking about what i can do to keep it from happening again (even if i were married to someone else) What did i do to get here, and how do i keep from coming hear again. I know that my H made the choice like Dr. Phil said, however in my case i knew we were in trouble, and thought time would fix it. Boy was i wrong.

I guess im an idiot, but i can't seem to find your story, Was you H having a long A or what.

My H is involved with a stripper. i had a gut feeling but when i confronted him he of course lied. I taped him to catch him. It has been a rollercoaster every since. I keep hoping the person i married will show up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and kick this mans butt.

I went to college for a while in Indiana. Hyles Anderson. I went to Chicago alot. I am taking my kids there for spring break. My kids are really great. THey love to travel like their momma. We are going to the sears tower and the Shedd aquariaum.

SARA

He had a ONS about 13 years ago. We just weathered the storm and when he told me about it I told him that while it made him feel better it didn't really do me any good and next time please just lie. This said in moment of anquish.

Anyway, he remembered that line. Things have not been well with us for awhile. I truly was thinking I didn't care. He just gets so angry sometimes and bites my head off, the kids, too. He's not violent at all but I just don't like the attitude that I'm too stupid to warrant a calm, caring answer. His dad is like that and I hate seeing his mother that way.

Anyway, this fall has been really stressful on us. Son playing football for hs and is sort of the town's glory child. I know that sounds weird but you would have to understand our community and what high school football means to it. My H started not coming up to bed when we all did. Not asking for sex. Twice this OW called really late and he made some excuse that I sorted of wanted to believe. He would be on the Internet all the time. Would make the kids stay on line after they got done so he didn't have to dial up again. Said he was checking his work email - like who's gonna email him about work on Sunday night??? I truly thought he was into Internet porn.

So, one Tuesday night I went downstairs about 10:15 or 10:20 to see what he was doing. I made an excuse that I was going to get the newspaper to read in bed. I looked at computer screen and saw he was im-ing with someone named Ruby Slippers.

The next morning after he and kids left for school and work I decided to do some checking in history and found he had a new email address that I didn't know about. He didn't log off and so I that's when I read and found out. I called him at work and after calling him a few choice names and How Could You?? and I told him to get his Axx home! He had gone shopping with her ALL DAY on Veteran's Day after our son's doctor appointment!!! That soooo gauls me still. He is not a fun shopper under normal circumstances.

He acted a little mad and defenseful but mostly sorry. We had it out for about 45 minutes. He wanted to stay home and talk about it all day but I had payroll to do and couldn't. I asked him if he'd slept with her - NO. Mostly just an EA - they were friends and can talk. He can't talk to me - blah, blah, - you've heard it too.

Anyway, I did payroll and then left and went home "sick" - which is really the truth - heartsick. He came home too and we had a real wonderful afternoon with crying, talking, loving.

Then, that night, while he was out on an errand, I snooped again. He had emailed HER and said he was sick, talk to you in morning, XOXOXOX!!!!!

I also did a little but more snooping further back and saw one email describing their little adventure in OUR VAN on some COUNTRY ROAD!!!! So after I confronted him with the LIE he brought up the statement I said 13 years ago. I told him it was over. I told him I wasn't doing it again and I meant it. I said we can be civil about this, use the same lawyer to save money. I'll have to move, we can sell the van and get 2 cars, blah blah. He just broke down.

Anyway we decided to work on it. I really have to say that I wasn't a very good wife for the past couple years because he wasn't a loving husband. It's a circle that goes round and round.

Enter MB. There's more to the story but that should be enough to bore you for now.

The EA was only about 4 months long with just the one PA that I know of. They both weren't happy with themselves after that. However, he didn't even try any sexual advances for 2 months following the "back road encounter". I really want to know why and I will ask him.

I would love to get this all out in the open before Christmas and then use New Year's as an Out with the Old LIFE and on with the NEW LIFE kinda thing.

This is soo long. Sorry.

My brother lives in Chicago. He's 37 and never married. We should go visit him sometime but we never do.
K.

Wow,
Your story sounds painful. I bet you feel about that computer like i feel about my H cell phone. UGGGGGGG
H sounds like mine, I really think they didn't think they would get caught, because they didn't think we would care enough to check. To smart to be so stupid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> My H remembers every little detail of conversations and then uses it to his advantage. I wish i could think on my feet like that.

I know what you mean about not realy being a good wife, i was caught in that same cycle. He doesn't do i didn't, ... I really want to be in a forever type situation. I thought I was, weird how life throws you curves. I was thinking about how unhappy i was before i even had any idea of the A. I had even entertained thoughts of leaving. I guess you really find out what your made of when you have to face a crisis.

I really like your idea of the new year, out with the old and in with the new. Any ideas on how set this in motion.

What position does your son play. My S. (10) plays and he plays the person next to the center on offence and defense. He is a stout little thing. We had to actually force him to play sports. We wanted him to struggle at something. And he needed to learn how to get along with children his age. That was a BIG ISSUE. I understand what it is like in a small town, Here, they close the stores to go. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I've been a football mom a little longer than you have so I think that position is called a guard. Or tackle. Anyway, our son is the QB. He is only a soph and it was a BIG HUGE DEAL in the community that he was being named Varsity QB. We also had a new head coach this year and the team was expected to be 5-4 or 6-3 at best. They went 7 games before losing, won the conference and made playoffs. It really was ALL the town talked about. It's been over for one month and people still stop us on the street and tell us how much they enjoyed watching him and how is he getting along? He tore his ACL in his knee in that dreaded 8th game that they lost. He's going to require surgery in March after basketball season is over. He LOVES basketball and is soo good. (I'm his MOM remember!) He's playing varsity in that as well. Big deal again, but everyone is getting used to it. However, with the brace he has to wear he is NOT the same player. This would be KILLING me if I didn't have this other problem that is really taking up my focus.

I know he'll be back to the same old player next year (I hope anyway) and we'll just have to suffer through this basketball season. He's still the leading scorer!!!

I wish I knew HOW LONG this little talk of mine is going to take. Do you find it hard to keep this all in? Do your kids know you are having marital problems? I'm pretty sure our kids are CLUELESS. Maybe someday they'll look back and say Oh, maybe something WAS going on back then. Because all of a sudden, we are together more. I'm really clingy and that has always been my mantra throughout my life "Hold on Loosely" by .38 special. I hate that song now. I can't stand it when he's not with me.

Like right now, we go home and have lunch together. It's funny that before DDAY we would have lunch together about once a week maybe. He would have something at work keeping him. We haven't missed ONE lunch hour in 4 weeks. Today, however, he's meeing with the Pres and CEO. He felt really bad about lunch, though.

I think maybe I should set a date to start my plan in motion. Maybe we'll try for Friday night after I get home from shopping. That's the plan.
He might have been drinking but that could be a good idea.

What's yours??

Sounds like you have a superstar son <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> isn't it great. Kids can be such a joy. My son isn't really athletic. But the effort he puts into sports will stand him in good stead later in life. Somtimes i think struggling in one area at least is necessary if you are going to learn how to get up when you get knocked down in life.

I think your plan is good, How are you going to start the conversation. When i try to start a relationship type conversation. I always seem to put H on the Defense. i for once would like to talk about the relationship and how to make it better, without having to address the ow issue. If i could just figure out why my H did it in the first place, i know what i think, but i have fixed allof those things, he even says so, and the a still continues?? go figure.

I tried once writing it all down so i could figure out what was most important to me. You know in special ed they teach us to work on one problem behavior at a time. That helped me address the issues that i knew were really bothering him. But i never did get to tell him what i needed, not yet anyway.
Here's hoping i can do this before new years, your right a new year and new start.

Have you done the questionnaires on this site? We both did but haven't gone over them with each other yet. I sort of "peeked" at his and was surprised at his ens. He says he doesn't think it's going to be a big surprise. It was to me!!!

Anyway, I followed some link to dearpeggy.com and there's a letter that a husband wrote a wife about the "Need to Know". I printed that out because it was very much how I felt 3 weeks ago. I stuck that in with my questionnaires. I think once we get talking about those things, the rest will take care of itself.

I also posted a letter to him on this website. I should go look at it, tweak it and print it. Maybe that's how I'll start it. I'm a good letterwriter! It helps me. I'm like you - I think of something I SHOULD HAVE SAID about 10 mintues too late!!!

I wish I could ship my kids off for about a whole weekend but that wouldn't be fair to them. Grandma is NO FUN anymore - they're too old.

Anyway, I understand what you mean about having them work at something. That's why I'm making DS take Spanish. He hates it. I said, You'll thank me someday! DD hates English - I think the teacher is just no fun. I'm really a lot harder on her than him. I want her to be very independent, self reliant. I challenge her to do all the HARD things. I baby my son wayyy to much. My H is just the opposite. He babies our daughter and is really hard on our son.

DB

No we haven't done the questionaires, i have printed them a few times but i think i will again. Great idea. I think i will get my H a tippsy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (just a little) that seems to help sometimes. I can get him to open up a little easier. He often is the most honest when he has had a few. It's where i have gotten my best ideas. LOL
I'm glad that my kids still think grandmas is great. I don't know what i would do without that relief.

So when are you going to do it? Mine will definitely be this weekend. Or at least I'll try for that. I really don't want it to be hurtful and accusing. I just have some things I want to know for me. He can tell me NOW without fear of retribution. I will sit back and listen to the story and just act questions. If I cry it's okay and doesn't reflect badly on him or that I'm changing my mind. I want this to be a safe discussion but it's gonna be an ugly topic. I want some details and then discuss how we are going to rebuild.

What is it you want to discuss exactly?

This weekend, we are going christmas shopping with his family (big tado), and my kids are probalby spending thenight with my mom. I am hoping that a good day sat will set me up the opportunity to really talk. I guess it was sunday that he said really nasty. Why don't you pick a date that if i am not done talking (he insists nothing else) to TJ then i'll move out. I really want to let him know that i am ready for this eventuallity. That if their relationship continues i can't keep this up. I want him to know that i have thought about life without him. And although that is not what i choose. It is what i will accept. Because i really can't do another year like this last one. ( i have lost 35 pounds, and am on medication for depression). I want him to know that i love him, but love doesn't mean we can continue this craziness.
I want to talk about real steps. Things that we can measure. Like, taking the passwords off the cell phones, spending at least 30 minutes a day talking without tv, or kids, planning together for the immediate future. i.e. budget, bills, groceries, dinner ect. I don't want to make decisions alone anymore. I feel like i have taken to much responsibility for everything, ( like the tire incidend) and i want to be taken care of. I have proven that i can do it all, i just don't want to anymore. I want a life partner, or nothing at all. Really high expectations huh.

what do you think?? to much todiscuss???

Well, all you can do is start in and see where it takes you. Yeah, it sounds like a lot but hey, we've got a lot of issues to deal with!

If he finds out you've been thinking ahead to life without him, believe me, it will be a shock to him.

My H couldn't believe that I had been so unhappy and the kids didn't really like his behavior. He was in such a fog. That's another thing. He's not really had a withdrawal period to my knowledge. I wonder about that....

We should be having this discussion again on Friday to get us geared up for this. I just need the courage and motivation to start it. I don't want him feeling like I am dredging it up or trying to make him feel guilty. That is ssooo far from the truth.
DB

Sometimes i feel like i need DR. PHIL AND A REALITY CHECK.

I'll meet you here on FRIDAY. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I will probably start my conversation with a question about what he wants out of the new year. I hope that and a little JACK D. will get him started <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good Morning Dazed, just checking up on you. Hope all is well in your world today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good morning to you, too. Actually all is well. Had a nice dream. My H is at a meeting in Springfield and he just called me! How nice. I have to run to "town" (20 min away) and do some errands on my lunch hour.

How was your night?
DB

It was ok, a friend of my H dropped by.

He was joking about how awful his stbxw was. It really ticked me off. He was supposed to have court today, curious to see how that went. Truth is i bet he gets screwed.

Other than that. it was fine. I have made a list of things to talk to h about. Not really about the affair, but about what i expect from our relationship. I know expectations are a killer. but i of course won't phrase it like that. but at some point i have to accept responsibility for how he treats me too. If i keep doing what i have always done, i will get what i have always gotten. Have a good night.

Sara

I went back and found my letter to my H from November 21 and found that it is still pretty much how I feel about things. So I printed it and while I don't know if I'll give it to him, I'll look at it a couple more times this week to "prep" me. I should go through my questionnaires one more time, too. Good idea.
See ya in the am.
DB