Wow. I would have played it differently, but *the* key thing for anyone in this situation is: which of the things you feel are right, after which actions can you look yourself in the mirror afterwards and be proud? in your case, you seem to have found the answer which is best for you.

One word of caution though - I dont agree with your pastor fully.
- God might be in favour of marriage: fair enough
- You are 'right' to go for divorce: fair enough
- The decision is up to your wife now, not in your hands: fair enough

I agree to all of the above

... But what's the logical link here between the above and the fact to willingly get shot of anything you cherish? No comprendo. In my view this leads to decision paralysis with leaving everything up to chance, god and third persons in the game, who might and probably will take advantage of that. You know from the military that taking no decision is sometimes taking the wrong decision. Maybe other persons (like, OM, WW) who will take advantage of your situation get punished one day in after life, but we all live here and now, dont we, and that's what counts. I still beleive that letting the D run its course *whilst* holding your hand outreached for your wife was the best strategy.

At this point it's not possible to revert to that strategy, so let me not waste my breath. At this stage, you are basically telling your wife: look, here I am, take advantage of me, the kids, everything is up for grabs. If she is mean, she will show you. If she is touched by your move and/or a miracle happens, then there might be a chance, indeed. More likely, however, is that she will go a middle way, take the pieces which she thinks "she is entitled to" resp. "are fair for her to keep" - whether her sense of justice matches your's remains to be seen.

As a practical next step, however, I'd really focus on what you are actually telling her and what actions you take to underline all this. If I was your wife, I would be a bit confused now. I beleive that a consistent set of actions and messages may get you eventually there. You owe your wife quite a bit of explanation now why you changed tack.

Good luck, hope my comments dont offend you.

N

Mortar, I am at work so this will be short.
I understand your point of view and your decision, still, you know that your WW's track record is pretty much against her.

She has shown time after time that she can and will manipulate you at any weak spot you let show.
Your preacher may have meant the best, just as you have been told already, but does he know all the things she has said and done, and all the things you have said and done to reach this point?

I don't know Mortar, her attitude with calling and attacking you because things didn't show up as stopped a day after you stopped them is just a bad indicator.

She keeps on trying to get ammo, she keeps on using anything she can find to throw at you, the only way to stop it is to go completely plan B. No calls no nothing. I think I told you this before, but you need to inforce it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Did you pause the papers, or completely withdrew them?
She likes to push your buttons when you have a weak moment, and she is doing so now. She is throwing a tantrum because things aren't getting done fast and as she'd like them to be done.
I don't know mortar, but it is your call, I hope you don't get stomped on or worse and that things start finally looking up.

One thing that a priest one said to us was that you can have all the faith in God there is, and leave everything on His hands, but you are the one that has to take action for his miracles to happen.

((((((((((Mortar)))))))))

Coffeeman...thanks! The definite signs are that I will know when I see it. I will. I have watched the Lord working in my life, especially the last 5 weeks. I will know when it is time to leave, that she is just not going to obey Him. I feel right now, that my walking away is premature...that God hasnt had his shot at her yet. Should be fun to watch now though, because she will be getting hammered by someone she cant blame or fire back at. Or hurt!! That, in my hope, will eventually cause her to breakdown in despair...it is ONLY at that point do I see her looking up and looking for me. On the issue of going to Plan B....damn right!! strictest of Plan B's!!! Except for kid realted stuff, no contact, no talking, no meeting ENs. Nothing. She wants to "talk?" I keep the same mantra going "not until OM is gone and you are committed to working on this." And then hang up. I mean it too. I was very close to divorce this time. And I have no problem since I was that close, with staying away from her. I want to stay COMPLETELY out of God's way in this. If I try to meet ENs, then she will be able to sustain herself awhile longer on a nice big piece of carrot cake. I want her to starve on just what the OM can give her, a the Lord begins to take everything away from her. Should be fun. But, Plan B is in effect!!

Nick, you havent offended me. And what you and coffeeman (and others) have been saying rings true. I am just at the point of thinking it is a little early to launch the nukes. No, I am not just going to sit by letting things happen. My reality, my kids reality, is not going to change for another year at least, no matter when I file. That is as long as she stays away. So, day-to-day, unless she decides to come back soon, our days will still be the same. I still have physical custody of them and have them 90% of the week. I am still working on me, and on helping the kids. my position legally wont be any different in March, or August, then it is now. So, all I have done is postpone at worse, the situation. But I have at least given God a chance to finally work unfettered by my screw ups. I didnt do that before when I was supposedly in Plan A. everyone around us agrees if I had just done a good Plan A back then, this would be over. I have to agree.

Anyway, on the military analogy, I know that not making a decision is bad. but I am making a decision. you see, this isnt a tactical issue anymore. It is strategic. I am no longer making decisions about fighting on the battlefield. I am now making decisions about nuclear war, where no one "wins." And EVERYONE loses! I know at some point, without a change in the threatcon, that I will have to launch. but I want to make damn sure that if I start WWIII (and that is what it will be with her) and forever destroy any hope of reconciliation, I want to make sure that I gave it every effort. I have not made myself more vulnerable to attack, or to my ability to at least come out of this ahead. She still has no power legally. But, when throwing nukes around, EVERYBODY gets hurt. If I can avoid this by having one last shot at diplomatic relations (after several comments to me and others around her over the last week SEEM to suggest there is still hope possibly for negotiations), then arent I a very stupid military leader not to at least see whether or not it is true before pushing the button?

I know some may disagree. I agree with all of you about this. I just feel the timing is all wrong. And since I lose nothing by pulling back and watching for a while longer, what does it hurt?

Alostwife: I am with you on this. yes, I discussed her track record. And yes, her launching (or trying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) on me today is a sign that she will take awhile to get it thru her thick skull. But, it is just that process she has to go thru now. And no, unlike before, I am not letting her fire at me. As the pastor said, she has used stuff you do or say to hurt you. Dont let it stick. keep the ammo out of her hands. So, I am. Strictest of Plan B's, with just kid stuff between us until conditions are met. Also, I no longer look at anything she does as directed toward me. I am not taking it personally. I actually pitty her now. It is almost as if she has mental problems. how could I be angry at someone with a mental illness? So, I just sit back, do my thing, and see if God can heal her. it will be very painful for her. It doesnt have to be for me.

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Mortarman ]</small>

Ok...I could be on the verge of showing my ignorance here...but I will risk it...

MM...

What makes you think that what you originally planned to do, e.g. divorce and custody wasn't what God wanted you to do? Was it just because some man you consider "close" to God told you otherwise? I cannot understand your way of thinking. You are wanting to salvage this marriage and want to claim that it is God's will to condone your decision. How do you KNOW? I mean really, really know that this is what God wants? God does not talk to us as did in Moses's day. There are no conversations while gathered around a burning bush. God gave us the ability to reason for ourselves.

I do not mean to add insult to injury with my comments. I respect everyone's belief in God or whether they place their belief in a "Higher Power". I find it silly when people say that they are going to sit back...give it to God...and let him take care of it. Don't you think that God helps those that help themselves? Don't you think that God expects you to do what is right for your children and for your own emotional well-being? Do you not do what is best for them when they are ill? You surely do not rely on God solely? You have to get in that car...drive to the pharmacy...and buy the medicine that they might need...don't you? You don't just sit back and do nothing hoping that God will take care of it and fix it. While prayers are good...and while prayers are answered...they just aren't always answered in the way that we want them to be. Rely on your own instinct...rely on that voice inside you that is telling you to do what is RIGHT...for you and your kids. THAT is God talking to you. That is what he wants you to do. The man that you talked to, is a man just as you are. He is no closer to God than anyone else is. He cannot tell you what is the right thing to do. Only you know what is the right thing to do and you know it in your heart.

One more point and then I will end my speech...Do you really want to be with a person whose actions are so "ungod-like"? If you have truly discovered a new relationship with God, don't you think it could be sorely tempted with someone whose morals are questionable? True believers are taught to not be unequally yoked. What if...and I say IF...this is God's way of removing you from an unequally yoked relationship? Have you ever considered that one? She has her own agenda and I don't think that God is a driving force in her life. Being with her would remove him from yours too. You might not think that it will..but unless she finds devotion to God as you do, it will be a terribly hard road to travel.

As Always, JMHO
committed

WOW....I did not manage to get this posted for about an hour after I originally started it and I find that things have somewhat changed. Things in my post might have no bearing on the situation now...oh well...please accept apologies if they don't.

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

MM,

I think what I am hearing from you is that you really didn't want to go through with this divorce. Your conscience was bothering you and you were strongly second guessing yourself. Then you talk to your Pastor and what he is saying rings true for you, so you have decided to standdown and stack arms for awhile. Is that it?

What really has to happen for you to be ready is for YOU TO BE READY and you are not. I think you will know that and what I think I am hearing is that you are ready to take a major risk to BE SURE you are ready. You must put your faith in something changing your W and you know it isn't you.

Are we on the same wavelength here?

I like many others are not sure that your path will lead to a different outcome than you would have achieved by going through the divorce. And by doing it now you save yourself a lot of pain and more heartache. But, if this gives you the closure you need, then just make sure that when you do get the message that you accept it for what it is: the message and act on it.

God Bless,

JL

MM,

I fear that this pastor was preaching to the choir when he told you to back off. That is exactly what you wanted to hear, not to mention the easiest path. Your pattern has been to draw a much needed boundary in the sand and when it gets tough to hold the line, to move it back in order to appease your W. She knows you will do this with a few well delivered threats. Her will {the will of someone who is deep in the thrall of sin} always seems to win the day, no matter what the cost.

While your pastor was absolutely correct that God hates divorce, NOWHERE does God condone destructive measures in order save every marriage. He also says that divorce is perfectly acceptable in the case of adultery and abandonment. He doesn't say to go through herculean efforts to save a marriage where one partner is utterly unrepentent and in the throes of adultery. Or to risk the wellbeing of yourself and your children in order to appease this person.

commmittedandloveingit made a very good point when she pointed out that God does expect you to do the work here. He has entrusted those children to *YOU*, MM. Noone else. He expects MORTARMAN to protect them. MM to make sure that they don't end up living with the OM or exposed to a shady side of life. A man who does not protect and support his family is called an INFIDEL in the Bible, MM. You cannot throw your hands up and quit taking care of those children under the illusion that God has absolved you of your responsibilities. It is your responsibility to protect them and God's job to possibly manage an outcome. You do the work, let God handle the outcome.

MM, I hope that we are wrong here and your pastor is right, but please know that I am praying for you and share the concern of many here for you and your kids.

***But it wont get worse. If things dont change, and I decide to do this later (months from now?), my standing is still the same as it is now legally.***

I strongly disagree that things won't or can't get worse here. The legal status may not change, but as for other stuff, you are not thinking things through. Here are two little gems just for starters:

1) She wants to take the kids to spend some good quality time with OM. Believe me, it's coming. How are you going to stop her? She knows you will back down whenever she bullies you. How do you plan to handle this one?

2) You get word that she is pregnant. Please don't say she's too smart to let that happen. I'm sure you thought she'd never do a lot of the things she's doing now.

The point is: I think we can understand that the idea of divorce scares you to death. But we can also see that every single time she bullies you, you back down. Now she's managed to talk you into going Christmas shopping "for the kids." What are you thinking???

And the next time she wants you for something, she'll push you into doing that too, and you'll have a great time, right up until the minute she leaves to go back and have some more sex with her boyfriend.

You are being manipulated by a master here. She is 100% in control and she knows it. The only way it will stop is for YOU to put a stop to it. You cannot sit back and hope she gets a wake-up call from above and suddenly decides to do the right thing.

I have no doubt that every last BS here has prayed for exactly the same thing. You are not the only one. But how many times did it ever happen that way?

From what I have read on this site in the last two years, they all had to take steps to protect themselves and their marriages and let their WSs run head-on into the full consequences of their freely chosen actions. Then, and only then, was there a chance for the marriage to recover. The more they tried appeasement and reason, the longer the agony dragged on.

Please, please, please do not go shopping with her. You are only prolonging your pain and enabling her affair when you do things like that. Do you really think that's what your kids need?

Hi Mortar,

How ever you decide to do this, I will support you. This is your M and you have to do what you think is right. I understand that you need to know that you did everything to try to make your M work. I know you don't want a D, otherwise, this would not be hard to do.

As long as your rights with the kids are protected, that is what matters. She was a good mother. Maybe she can be again. I know, I could not persue my nursing career if it meant I did not live with my children.

Take care. Prayers are with you.

Mortar,

You made the right decision a little later than what I would have done but you did it!!!

I can't answer the way I would like to at the moment, but I just wanted to chime in...

I'll post by AM...

MITT

MM:

Try this: In addition to talking to your pastors about what you're feeling - all of it - tell ALL of this to your W. What have you got to lose? Your M? Possibly. Your insecurity? Almost certainly. What do you have to gain? Your M? Possibly. Your self esteem? Certainly.

You said in another thread a while back that you and your W were in a Catch-22: She couldn't give up her fallback OM because she couldn't believe that you could be "trusted" or something along those lines. And you can't open up to her because she can't give up her fallback guy. Well, if you step back a minute and look at this picture again, maybe you'll see that if you open up to her, take that leap of faith that you might gain a LOT by getting over this fear of being vulnerable, that you won't be taking that big a risk at all, and the rewards COULD amaze you (and your W, and your kids, ...and even your pastor).

Good luck, MM.

MM,

I've seen God do some incredible things in my M. My W still works with OM, yet it wasn't until I was ready to give up everything that my W come back in the M.

I know most everyone here has told you that you were making a mistake. I agree w/ MITT. God won't let you down. He's never let me down. Even though I hate what I'm going through, I know without a doubt I am becoming a better man (man of God) out of this. I think God needs me (and you) to be a man that can trust Him in everything in order to be the leader of the house He wants (needs)us to be.

Stand strong. Gods ways are not our ways. He takes the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. Your W is looking for a strong man of God (even though she may not know it). You be that man!

Blessing to you.

S&C

Mortar,

First let me say that you’re W should not be running to the courthouse to see if paperwork has been filed. Her first check / call should have been to her attorney. Her attorney would call your attorney for validation and most everything is almost over. Attorney’s use their professional courtesies and ethics as verification. After all, paperwork sometimes can take a while to funnel through the legal recording process.

I’m sorry to get you even more confused and have gone “against the grain” of most here on the board. Everyone here at MB is GREAT and I owe much of my sanity to the people here when I was going through exactly where you are 1 ½ years ago.

I’ve said it before, D is a very severe option. It is not only a legal “end” but also an “extreme” symbolic “end.” I do not want your WW to “walk all over you and use you” any more than you do. As you know, I and many others here have followed your story now for many months and you know that all along I have supported you “hanging in there” through some very difficult times. I as well as others here at MB “have been up when you’re up and down when you are down.” I still have the same conclusion as I did in the summer -- I feel you can reconcile with your W and feel that she is thinking very similar to how my W thought during her A and our separation. Bottom line, until she thinks it is (you are) “safe,” you will continue to push her away. In my opinion (as I’m sure you will agree), each day that “goes by” is critical in bringing your M back together. The more time that goes by only makes things worse!

My W would tell you today that she had her A because of all of the EXACT reasons your W has already told you. Her giving you the explanation(s) she has, is not necessarily trying to justify her actions, it just happened that way. Her A and your M probably fit the “classic” Harley story in SAA "to a tee." After years of building resentment for what she considered an ailing marriage, someone else was there to help her and comfort her through what she determined was / is a very difficult time in her married life. Did she have a choice? YOU BET SHE DID and she probably made the wrong choice. After all, we are human and we all make mistakes, albeit critical errors like an A.

Mortar, like you, I don’t think your W wants the life she has right now. I’d be willing to wager she hates every second of it including the Troll! But does she want to come back to a M that she knows is faulted and now has even more of a chance of failure than it did before? No she does not and will not until she is safe.

This is your “doorway.” Although at the moment your doorway is locked. It is your job to learn to be locksmith and make a key to open that door ever so SLOWLY!!!

In order to be a locksmith, what do you need to do? You need to learn how to make a key. In order to make keys, you can read a book or two or go to a class for instruction or have someone teach you. You can go on the Internet for further instructions but can you make the key yet? Probably not. It takes skill. Like anything else, to be skilled at something, it takes practice, practice and more practice.

For whatever reasons Mortar, your W has helped you open that door on several occasions only for you to find yourself right back on the other side of it. Is it because she has more feelings for the Troll rather than you? Is it because she still does not feel you’ve changed enough? Is it because she is scared of what the future will bring and the final result with her being right back to square one? We obviously don’t know the answer but I have a feeling the latter two plays an important role, if not the “sole” core of the problem(s). After all, “in her mind” (fog) she has found someone that “she thinks” is better and can treat her better. And you want her to sever “her dream” relationship because you “say” you are different and are better and can be better??? Why in the world would she want to do that?

You have to demonstrate to her that change is possible. But I caution you, lifestyle change is difficult even for the most disciplined person. It is something that must be desired and worked at all hours of the day. You will have to demonstrate not only the willingness to change your marriage but also continuous improvement on yourself. Where does this put you? It puts you right back to where you were supposed to be to begin with -- PLAN A!!!

During the summer, we discussed many things that could have contributed to the M breakdown. Where are you at in terms of anger management?

I hope your W will see this move as a gesture of good faith and your willingness to drop the suit as a step in a positive direction for your M. With the holidays upon us I’m praying that they will be a time for family and to forge your marital relationship!

I know we’ve touched on this before but it would be great to share several things that have proven successful not only with me but with others in our anger management group extremely similar (and worse) scenarios but have been successful in reconciling they’re marriages. I prefer not bringing this out in open forum. I will extend an invitation to chat via AOL Messenger or Microsoft Instant Messenger. I have both on and I am available almost all day and into the evening (I’m in the computer biz so it’s like I’m attached to this thing). My AOL IM name is: “ nec00p “and my Microsoft name is “ nec00@yahoo.com (those are zero's on both user names).”

I hope you will take advantage and I hope to chat a bit...

MITT

Oh Mortarman,

I am somewhat at a loss. I know that it is easier to sit back for those of us outside of the situation to say what should be done. I know many times I am quite hard on your wife because I cannot fathom her actions. I know you dont deserve the treatment because I know I didnt-no one does. And I want so much to see others spared. But as I vehemently object to her getting away with one more thing, one more manipulation I think back to how I was, and how I took every chance to show him I wanted the marriage.

One problem that I personally deal with is the fact that I could never give up on him. Other people would tell me let him go, divorce...even God would accept a divorce but I couldnt do it. Never. I told him he should move out after his last affair but only because my parents insisted and I was too ill to argue. It was never in my heart to see him go. I just could always see what we could be. And I truly believed God wanted me in his life. However even though I was sad to see him go he knew I was done with the way he had been. I had a baby and although I didnt realize it at the time I was seriously ill. The part of me that was relieved by his presence went dormant. I was finally and forever changed. Broken.

I get very emotional because spouses should not do these things to each other. I would not wish this sort of betrayal on anyone. That is why I say do as I say not as I did because it was/is so painful to suffer through. And not just the infidelity but the pain of reconciliation...the idea that I did not demand better treatment.
I felt weak for not having stood up to him before. I was ashamed because I questioned whether God wanted me to be married to him...I worried that God was telling me all along that he was not for me and to prove that fact his inappropriateness as a spouse would be drasitically illustrated. I honestly worried whether my whole marriage from the beginning was the lack of faith. I worried that I never had the faith that God would take care of me if I had to be on my own...if I divorced him. I questioned whether I wanted to be married to him more than I wanted to wait for who God had intended. I dont know what the plan was. I guess we are still a work in process. My life reads like a bad paperback novel. Most people would hear what I have been through and say...are you nuts...why didnt you leave him, why dont you leave him? Did I stay because I had faith? Yes. Did I stay because I feared divorce? Yes.
No one can unequivocally say what God's plan is for you or for me. Pastors, priests, friends, family, lawyers, etc., all have opinions but when it is all said and done it is about You and God. God knows were human, we dont always understand, we dont always have the strength to do what is asked of us. I guess where my faith comes in is that knowing that God is so much in charge that even if I screw up things, even if I choose the wrong path, he will be there to help dust me off. I look at it this way God sets in front of us all kinds of options...some are no-brainers...some are more difficult. When we choose the wrong path God will still be there. He may have to say to us..."OK now you're going to have to climb that mountain instead of walking through the valley like I wanted you to so that you could get where I want you to be...so get climbing. But valley or mountain I will still be right behind you."

Even now God is telling your wife..."Hey all those years you wanted Mortarman to make changes. So trust me, go back to your marriage, he has changed." But she doesnt listen. It would be better for everyone but because she is choosing the mountain instead of the valley she is going to have to learn the hard way. God is still with her as he always will be...as he is with you, with me..all of us.

You are in a horrific situation. There is no clear cut right or wrong answer. Sometimes after reading here about different scenarios I wonder why is it that people like us marry people like our spouses. Love. Yes. And dont take this the wrong way-but hypothetically speaking why isnt it that most BS here seem better suited for each other than their current WS. Most of us think alike, are devoted to family, etc. Yet we are married to people who could easily get a role in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". I think it is because God does have a plan for each of us. Whatever that plan may be we needed to learn from and/or our spouse needed to learn from us. Some days I wish it were easier. I wish my husband was the man he is now from the beginning. I thank God for his change for his sake and for mine. But it still doesnt erase the torture he put me through for years. All I can do now is accept the path that we both chose and understand that if I chose the wrong path God is still with me helping me discern an alternate route.

As you said your legal status is intact. That is something that is extremely important since God/morality has been all but extricated from the legal system. As long as your children are not legally at risk at this time then by all means do what you feel God is directing you to do. Take it a day at a time. A moment at a time.

And I am sorry for the painful memories your birthday brings for you. Try to focus on the positives. There are three tiny faces that are oh so happy to celebrate the day with great joy.
It seems to me that they are there to remind you that however things came out it is part of your character to do your utmost for family. You make selfless sacrafices that will be indelible reminders for them of the man you are...the kind that your father made for you and my father made for me. Keep your eyes on your children...they are closest to God and they will bring you joy in sorrowful times.

sincere respect and continuing prayers

ayslyne

PS Having worked in the legal system for years everything is a snails pace. First of all lawyers can send over paperwork...the clerk may be off, out, or sick...so they sit. I have seen paperwork get filed litterally minutes prior to hearings. It doesnt make judges happy but it can happen. The legal system is more prone to these delays than one would think. You see business' have a bottom line...deadlines, etc. And so do legal matters but you have up to the scheduled date to make changes...believe me clerks know this. They will get to your paperwork when they get to you. She works in the medical profession, bureacracy is everywhere...why do you think lawyers charge by the hour?

Hey Mortar -- I pop in on your story from time to time, maybe because we are brothers in arms, it has resonance with me.

I personally applaud your efforts, my brother. Sometimes, you have to go with that higher feeling. That's what I'm learning as I move along. Stand aside and let The Man do his work.

In the end, you will be happier, regardless of the outcome.

MM,

I've followed your story a lot, though I've only posted once or twice. I wish I had some wise words to offer that hasn't already been said. Unfortunately, that is up to the GWO's. All I can say is what's already been said. Do your very best, and let God do the rest. That said (again) good luck, our prayers are with you brother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just checking mortarman.

continuing prayers

ayslyne

Hi Mortar,

How is it going?

Hi Mortar,

I'm just "ditto" with Sue and Ayslyne just checking how you're doing.

I pray things are "turning in the right direction..."

MITT

Thank you for all of the responses. It has made a great difference. I wish I could respond to what everyone has said, but things are VERY hectic right now. So, I will try to get back to you if I can. but I would like all of you to see my update here and maybe give me some words to help me thru what is going on now.

The update...

well, it couldnt be worse right now. I stopped the divorce/custody paperwork last week. My wife had come to me asking that we do the visit to santa for the kids last week together, as well as Christmas morning together, and for me to go with her and the kids to visit her family in Kentucky after Christmas for a few days. At first, I said yes, because she said she wanted to do this for the kids...because it has been such a rough year for the kids. But, the day that the paperwork was pulled back, I brought her a copy from the court and we talked a bit (this was the day where we were supposed to take kids to the Mall to see Santa). Anyway, she reiterated that all of this stuff with Christmas wasnt any attempt to work on the marriage, that it was just to make the kids feel better. Also, several times in the conversation, she went back over my faults, about how she still considers this overwith and why dont I get it. Well, I left and headed to my house, where she was supposed to meet me so we could go. On the way, I realized that I am just not capable of doing all of this Christmas stuff (our first Christmas in 9 years where we havent) with her. So, I took the kids and headed to the mall on my own. She called asking where I was. I told her that I was headed to the mall, and that she was welcome to meet us there, but we were going on. she said this wasnt our plan. but I told her that I just cant do this under the present circumstances. Of course, all of this was a big LB. Anyway, she got mad (very mad) and didnt show up.

I have talked to her several times about the kids over the week since then, but nothing to do with us. So I hadnt really told her that I wasnt going to do the Christmas thing now. But yesterday, she calls, asking me to call her after church so we can coordinate things today (our daughter is in the school play today). She said she was home wrapping presents. So, afterwards, since I the church was close to where she is living, I stopped by real quick to see what she needed. Well, as I came to her door, I saw an empty box outside, one that looked like the ones that her mother always sent clothes and presents in to our house over the years (the "Nana-box"). I pulled the box away from the wall, and it was from her mom. Interesting thing was that it was addressed to my wife, co-addressed to the OM at his work address. You see, where my wife is living she cant receive mail (she lives over a church). Up to now, she was receiving all her mail at a girlfriend's house. But now, after her mother got mad a week and a half ago because I was seeking custody (even though she has been totally against the OM and what my wife is doing), she is sending these packages for the kids to OM's work.

I knocked on the door, showed her the address on the box, and started walking away. She told me to stop, that her mom was just sending it there because she didnt know where to send it because I was divorcing her. That my wife knew "even if OM wasnt talking to her" that the OM would give her the mail. I said "Whatever..." and started to walk away. She again told me to stop, to not walk off. I told her I didnt have anything to say (and I didnt...I'll tell you why in a minute). She asked if the kids were in the car and I said yes and she asked for them to come up real quick. I told her that I thought she was wrapping presents. She said she was done, and wanted me to come in and see what she had done. Again, in her mind, I guess she was still thinking that everything was going to be together, that we were spending Christmas Day as a family. But I said "Look, it doesnt really matter what you are doing. You are doing your thing...and I am doing mine on Christmas." Another big LB, but being in Plan B (except for kid-related stuff), I had drawn the line, even though there is nothing I would like better than to have us all together. This was in response to all the things she told me when I brought the paperwork by a week ago. That the OM has been wonderful. That she, except when she is around me, is relatively happy most days. So, there was no way I was going to continue this, since she is fully in the OM's sphere right now.

My problem with doing Christmas doesnt just have to do with me. Our last reconciliation attempt was hard on the kids. When the wife was spending the night, and talking about coming home just two months ago, and spending many days with us. Then it all fell apart. I was devastated of course...but so were they. I told my wife today when she called that I feel it is not in their best interest to get their hopes up again. That if she means what she says, even though I am still here wanting to work on the marriage and have stopped the divorce/custody proceedings, thatthey should learn that this is the way it is going to be. That us as a "family" will never be the same again. Separate Christmases, Thanksgivings, etc. She said I was "ruining everything" and if this is the way things are going to be, I might as well file the paperwork. That she was done with this crap and my games. Several times over the conversation, even when I wasn't talking about Christmas, she stated I was "ruining everything." How so? Christmas Day? Okay, because we arent going to be together. I'll agree with that. Our marriage? Reconciliation? How's that? She said she is with "wonderful" OM, and that it is over. So how am I possibly making things worse?

Look, as I stated above, through all of this I am doing okay I guess. No more ups and downs, thanks to the meds I started three weeks ago that just kicked in. I wish I had them all along because I think we would be back together right now because I wouldn't have LBed all of this time. But, I don't know where this is headed. Since I came home, she has wavered on where she is. That is until our last falling out. Now she talks of being happy, and stays away a lot.

I am still committed to following God and seeing if He will get through to her. But my question is this…with the LBs, and with Mr. Wonderful doing so well right now, is there anything right now in my court that I can do to improve my position? This Xmas thing did not help...as a matter of fact, it has hurt tremendously. But I decided on Plan B instead of divorce, and I have to finally stick to it. If she wants out, then get out (of course she cant really do anything until next August). But I again state I want to save my marriage, that this is fixable if she would only try…but the addiction of OM continues to be as high as ever. I told her that the best thing for the kids is for us back in love and our family back together. She said she wasn't in love with me. I told her I knew that, or she would be home. But, that our problems arent that big that we cant work this out. She said that she didn't want to argue all of the time, it wasn't good for the kids. I told her we wouldn't, if we came back together and tried to work on this, with ground rules. She didn't buy it. Of course, all of this was in context of the discussion about the kids and Xmas. I told her that when she was ready to do this right, I was open for anything. Of course she said I wanted to do it my way, that as usual I wasn't listening to her or taking her opinion into account. I again told her that I could no longer accept her with OM AND us maintaining a relationship.

So guys and gals. It is pretty bleak right now. But I guess I am determined to ride this out, and see if God will reverse her forward momentum. Right now, she is "happy" except for things dealing with me and kids. She seems ready for a fight. But I wont give it to her. I just wish I had these meds last summer, because we wouldn't have so much anger at each other now. The last 8 months is what is killing us now. I feel fully ready to do what it takes, no matter what, with no LBs. But like the ones with Xmas, some cannot be avoided as I stick to a pure Plan B. It looks like a long haul for us if we make it because it is going to take awhile I think (if ever) for OM to get out of wonderful status.

Any thoughts suggestions would be appreciated. And thanks again for all of your support!!!

MM:

Before reading the rest of your post:

"Well, I left and headed to my house, where she was supposed to meet me so we could go. On the way, I realized that I am just not capable of doing all of this Christmas stuff (our first Christmas in 9 years where we havent) with her. So, I took the kids and headed to the mall on my own. She called asking where I was. I told her that I was headed to the mall, and that she was welcome to meet us there, but we were going on. she said this wasnt our plan. but I told her that I just cant do this under the present circumstances. Of course, all of this was a big LB. Anyway, she got mad (very mad) and didnt show up. "

What the h3!! did you do that for????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />