Hello Alan Arthur!!!!

The "fat lady has not sung yet."

Repeat......the fat lady has not sung yet.

Get back up off of the floor and keep moving forward.

Learn to be happy just the way things are. Concentrate on being a happy confident man. That is your key right now. Not only for yourself, but you will start to be more attractive in her eyes. You are going to have to let her contact you.

I am going to tell you my opinion and I want to make it clear that it is only my opinion, so here it is....

I think that you should drop any charges of any kind on your wife. I believe she has a valid point.

Who cares who is RIGHT about all of this?... The key is to start to have a kind, peaceful, confident spirit. Drop your weapon... What you are doing is not working.

I still believe she will come back if you can get on track quickly and apply things consistently.

The only way we can truly be happy is to be happy now!!! this moment.. this second....

find the good..

That's a very very interesting analogy KeepMovin.

I love to play computer games, although I don't get the chance all that often now with family and job to juggle. I used to play a game called Prince of Persia...the original one, before it became the fancy 3D one that's out today. Towards the end you had to face yourself. A duplicate of you came at you wielding a sword. If you fought back, you lost. I finally figured it out one day when I dropped my sword and my image did as well. I had to drop my weapon in order to move forward. I believe it was shortly after that scene that you came to a wide chasm. Far too wide to jump across. I tried everything. Running jumps, standing jumps...finally I just walked forward. Sure enough, if you jumped you died...if you just kept moving forward you walked right across.

Some interesting analogies...

Your right. I don't feel comfortable filing charges against her.....the eye for an eye thing (even if she doeasn't want me....I don't feel comfortable doing that to someone I truly care for and love). She could cut off my fingers and I would still love her. Maybe bu me talking to prosecuter and dropping charges that wife might see this as a good first gesture. I don't wish anything bad happens to her. Sometimes I know she does things without thinking clearly and this may have been one. I did apologize and I was coming on way too strong. It is so difficult during this season. I will try to get back on track and show her I can be a good person. I will talk to prosecuter on Monday and see how she feels. She doesn't have to drop charges even if I want to, but if no one is there to testify it won't be much of a case.

How do I get over this suffocating and controlling behavior I have. You know when my wife said I was this way I guess I never saw it. Maybe it was the way I was brought up. I sure wish I knew how to let it go, so if my marriage is over I can learn for the next. I don't want to be this way. I am a good person with a good heart. I just am having a hard time implementing the right things. I guess the thought of my wife with another man upsets me. I'm sure most would be upset. I should have thrown my cell phone out the window instead of calling. I just miss my wife and daughter and wish I were the man she was reaching out to, not the man she hates so much.

Alan - there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING to be gained by failing to stand up for yourself. She will trounce you legally if you drop the charges. This is one way she will never ever be able to have credibility with the judicial system in filing another RO against you.

If you fail to stand up for yourself, I guarantee you she will not see you as a man. She will see you as a wimp. And she will treat you that way - actually, she already is, or she wouldn't have called your bluff by pursuing the legal actions that she has... She believes you are predictably a "lay-down" in a conflict.

If you want to read what being nice to her out of love for her and not wanting to let her feel the consequences of her own behavior --- the harm that will do to her and to you, read EVERYTHING written by GSN over the past 12 months. You will see that his love (read that as "conflict avoidance") for Mary only allowed her to do a thorough and complete hatchet job on his heart.

Good luck. Standing your ground the first time is the scariest thing you will ever do. But consider this. You don't have her love now. You will not win her love by caving to her abuse. Abuse victims never get it, until after they make the first, second, third...tenth stand for themselves. Then they get it.. I hope you get it soon!

You know.....you do bring up good points. I see it from both points of view. "Relate, God rest her soul <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> " basically said the same thing. Stand up to her and show her I am a man, without being too overbearing. Is there a way to be kind and do this? Is this a way to continue or get back on track for a plan A if I go ahead with charges? Or is it a total write off? I am really starting to wonder if this woman is what I really need. Surely, there are other women out there whom I can love and can love me.

Hello Alan Arthur.......

You will show her you are standing up for yourself when you leave her alone. You will respect her feelings. It takes strength to back off and let them believe that you are moving on with your life.

She will see you as not controlling and not smothering when you start to leave her alone. Your answer has been the same from day one. Leave her alone for now and let her contact you. (And she will) When she does, do not talk about THE Relationship at all. Act happy just the way things are. Act like you are just delighted to be her friend or whatever she wants out of the relationship. Stop all arguing because it just plain old doesnt work.

The reason for dropping the charges has nothing to do with her walking all over you. It seems to me, that she is pursuing these charges as the consequence of your previous actions or behavior. If you were not exhibiting pressuring and pursuing
and controlling behaviors, I seriously doubt that she would have gone ahead with this action. Think about it!!!!!

The key to your strength as a man is to let her SEE by your actions that you will be just fine without her. That you say to yourself, maybe this is for the best. Maybe we do need space. Maybe I am too controlling and smothering. What you have been doing has not been working very well, or at all.

If you do drop charges, it would not surprise me if she did also... If you leave her alone in the meantime....... If that is being a wimp, then so be it.

Your right. I need to show her that I have been too controlling and smothering. I want to take the pressure off, if just to be friends. I want to show her I care and I guess there are little things to do. As long as there is conflict we cannot move in that direction. I do not want anything bad to happen to her. I would have such a guilty heart and concious if I went through with this.

I am going to contact my lawyer to contact her lawyer and county attorney and advise them that I am retracting my complaint. If she still feels she needs to pursue hers then so be it. She has to live with that I guess.

Just be prepared, Al, that she may do just that. I know you'd like her to reciprocate in a mature way and drop her complaint as well...but she's still angry and may see it as an opportunity to punish you. The key is not to let it actually work. She was the one who got the RO, so let it work FOR you for a change. When or if she calls to threaten and fight with you more, just politely tell her you aren't aloud to have this conversation with her, and hang up. If she continues to barage you with calls or whatever, you can block her number. The point is, she initiated the no contact rule by getting a restraining order...so she's got to play by that rule too. She doesn't want to play by ANYONES rules, she just wants things her way.

hang in there Al, I think you're doing the right thing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do I get over this suffocating and controlling behavior I have. You know when my wife said I was this way I guess I never saw it. Maybe it was the way I was brought up. I sure wish I knew how to let it go, so if my marriage is over I can learn for the next. I don't want to be this way. I am a good person with a good heart. I just am having a hard time implementing the right things. I guess the thought of my wife with another man upsets me. I'm sure most would be upset. I should have thrown my cell phone out the window instead of calling. I just miss my wife and daughter and wish I were the man she was reaching out to, not the man she hates so much.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alan - I have been reading your posts for a while. And I have 'felt' your controlling, compulsive, suffocating nature from your posts on this board. Your wife is running from you. She probably has no plan, no direction except one - away from you. You have but one thing to do - WORK ON YOURSELF! You have made the statement above, "How do I get over this suffocating and controlling behavior I have." Do you REALLY mean that? Are you ready? Or is it an empty wish lacking effort to make it happen? I don't mean to be harsh, but I can understand your wife's position. And she does not even post here.

I can tell you from experoence, that if you are ready to change yourself you can do it. Just get started...Stop obsessing over things that are out of your control. IMHO you should let go of the legal actions and let go of your wife. Find an inanimate object or activity as an outlet for your obsessive personality. Get some profession help that is specific to your problem. A normal IC may not work for you.

Alan, be happy with yourself, for yourself. Stop trying to change/control other people to make you happy...

Gib

yes, for some reason I feel I need her. Yes, I think about her with another man and it hurts. I'm sure the thoughts I have are normal.......I just need to get rid of them and move on, but it is hard. I do love her, but I can only imagine the image she has of me right now. I don't look very good to her I'm sure. I'm sure I don't look "cool and calm" like the man she wants. I'll try to do the RIGHT things. If it's too late it's too late and maybe that's why I've done some stupid things (because maybe I was thinking "what the hell, it's over with anyway, what do I have to lose). Some days I want to fight forward then others I want to move to another country.

I don't think you should retract your complaint. She had the option to drop her complaint. She violated the RO as well. However, you could ask a neutral party to communicate to your W that you would like to withdraw your complaint if she is willing to withdraw hers as well.

DO NOT contact your wife. You have no business calling her to express your feeling of upsetness over her being out with another man. As for your D spending the night with a sitter, you should discuss that with your lawyer. You may be able to negotiate "the right of first refusal" with your wife in terms of custody. Meaning your W has to offer you the chance to take D for the night before she hires a sitter.

Stop pressuring your wife and work on yourself. Make up your mind that you will survive without your W. Figure out how you will make your life GOOD. Detach a bit. (Do a 180) From the fact that your W calls you it seems she is still emotionally attached in some way. Even though she is claiming to want D. Frankly I think a good Plan B is the best option for you. Get caller ID and screen her calls. Tell her she can communicate with you about D by e-mail only and keep dialogue to the minimum. Most importantly, get a life!

yes, I already emailed attorney and told him to communicate to her that I am willing to drop complaint if she does. I like the idea of "first right of refusal". I have heard of that before. I will NOT contact her while order is still in effect. Hopefully, a lttle more time and she will be willing to drop it.

Plan B is maybe what I need right now. I have to get emotionally away from her.

Why do I feel I've read this thread before. As the great Yogi Berra said, "It's like deja vu all over again."

Because I can't get it right or just don't give a damn anymore.