Its been 3 months post D-Day and I feel so lost. I feel like I am getting worse instead of better. I am on Anti-D's but I don't feel any relief. Every day is just like a living hell. I am finding myself wanting to stay out of work. Everything I used to take pleasure in now is just a source of annoyance, even I'm embarrassed to say, my child. Every night I lay in bed and wish to God my heart would just stop beating. I pray that a bus would hit my car and I would die. I amn so tired of living like thiis. My WH wants to reconcile with me but when I am with him, it is like living death to my heart. I just run the A over and over in my mind. Is this normal after only 3 months? Everyone seems to be able to make the decision about their relationship and move on. Why am I stuck here? Please help me understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

YES ... you are "normal" ... whatever the heck that is!!

My suggestion is that you need some spiritual counseling as well as additional medical attention.

If you have been on the anti-D's for at least 6 weeks ... and you feel no effect ... it's the WRONG medication for you. Call the physician and tell him/her you are not feeling better. Describe any additional symptoms ie; weight loss, insomnia, suicidal ideation... Be as descriptive as you can.

Do you have a place of worship? Seek spiritual guidance there. Do you have family members who you trust and are supportive ... who can come and help you?

Pepper

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

pepper,
I do go to church and have support there, but everything seems hollow to me. We study about joy and forgiveness and I want to feel those things but cannot. I pray for strength and guidance but I just feel so exhausted. I have been on the meds for just at 6 weeks. Truthfully, If I didn't have my D, I probably would have ended it. I wouldn't want her to live with the stigma of having a mother who killed herself plus she would then be raised only with her morally deficient father. Why do you think that some people have lives that are filled with fear and heartache? Sometimes I feel like I've had more than my share and I'm only 30. Why are some people serially unloved by everyone around them?

TODAY >>>> RIGHT NOW call your physician ... explain that you feel worse and you are frightened at how hopeless everything looks to you. You feel hollow and that life is too painful to live.

DO THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a crisis. Do not waste time posting here. You need imediate help right now!

If your daughter were in this much pain... you'd be in the office already.

Make the call now ... and INSIST that this is an emergency.

God Bless

Pepper

WWW.NDMDA.ORG

Please go and check it out. It has a plethora of helpful information and, if that's the same site I am thinking of, I am pretty sure it has a checklist of symptoms to help you guage how effective your medication is and to keep track of how you are. There's self-help groups and low cost therapy sites available there. Bottom line, it's a great site for education and help.

Don't let this get put on the backburner in hopes it will get better on it's own. Sometimes the medicine that they put you on in the first go-round isn't the right medication for you. It's a trial and error system, and right now it sounds like you're in an "error" phase.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> TODAY >>>> RIGHT NOW call your physician ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I REPEAT, RIGHT NOW!

However, do not stop taking the meds unless you are directed to by your doctor. That may make things worse.

I am on prozac and fortunately for me it worked the first go around. It is trial and error.

I ditto the other posters and can attest that WITHOUT the medication, I was in your same place. If I did not have my kids, I would have ended my life to get away from the pain. It is a pain that is like no other!!!

While waiting for the Anti-D to work, my DR gave me Xanax which is for anxiety attacks. That saved my life. As soon as I felt the plunge happening, I took 1 or 2 (depending on the severity) and immediately was able to calm myself.

Take care of you as you are riding this roller coaster. Each new day will bring new challenges and experiences, some good, some bad.

I'm so sorry that you are in pain.

SwtBonBon,

A couple things, Hon.

First do what Pepper suggested and get on the phone with your Doctor.

Also, certain anti-deps take a bit longer to kick-in, I took Welbutrin and it was almost 8 weeks before I started to feel the affects.

PLEASE, PLEASE, contact your physician and your counselor IMMEDIATELY. Tell them what you told us. You're experiencing severe depression and there IS relief, it's just a phone call away.

You are in my prayers.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

I have called my doc, waiting for call back. Also called insurance to get psychiatrist number instead of just using my primary doctor. Thank you all for replying. My H called in the middle of this and says (get this) "Whats wrong? what has happened?" Just the fact that my life has been blown to bits by your selfish acts. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Just that little thing. Don't mind me. I want to scream at him. At the same time I have all these thoughts of revenge!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes I feeel like fake confession of ONS just to hurt him and let him see how it feels. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Of course he says "I love you enough that I would forgive YOU if the situation were reversed" WHat a mind game. How I hate him right now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You did the right thing!! I hope the doctor calls you soon!
I am on meds also. They didn't kick in as quick as I thought they should and I was just feeling worse and worse...exactly as you described. All of a sudden the clouds started to lift and things began to get better. It was longer than 3 mos. post d-day though. I didn't start counseling and meds until 5 mos. after A and then it took a bit of time from there.
I know the pain you are feeling and it is frightening isn't it? I have never felt such rage and despair in my life. I was so confused...and then I found out on top of it that I needed surgery (hysterectomy) and so when I felt real bad I didn't know if it was A or surgery related. I know what you mean when you say you don't want to wake up! I couldn't take it anymore.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, take care of your daughter and TRY to take care of yourself too. Try to rest and read all you can to help you understand why you feel this way and what to do with the anger! It is lethal. It is terrible to keep inside. One thing I didn't have when I was in that frame of mind was this site. I had nobody to vent to. Nobody knew about the A and so I couldn't go blow off steam. This would have been good...and you are lucky to have found it! There are some really cool people here (some have already posted above) and you will get lots of good advice.
Hang in there!! You are on the right track.

Doctor didn't call back. Maybe it was too late for return calls today. I don't have any support really, other than you guys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It's a long story but my family has a major closeness problem and I have one sibling that has major drug, emotional, legal, problems so no matter what, her problems always seem to outweigh mine when it comes to time and attention. I guess thats what happens when you are the family success... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> anyway thanks again. I feel better just letting this off my chest. I still am dispairing but I'll make it through another day. My counseling session is scheduled for Fri. I hope to have the courage to speak the truth of how I really feel.

swtbonbon:

Go anyway! I had a "bad rollercoaster dip" a few months back, and Pepper said "go now!" so I called, and didn't get called back, and she said "go now!" so I went now, and was in and out within about an hour with a prozac prescription. Helped, too.

Anyway, don't wait for an appointment. Go to the emergency room, because it is!

Best regards,

Man, I feel like hitting myself in the head, because I should have known that one. T is completely right. The hospital will be more than happy to help you. Understand when you go there though, that if you are a danger to yourself, they will hold you for a 24 hour period to examine your mental status, which honestly isn't a bad thing for you right now. Then, your PCP will be contacted as well as your H, so it's not like you're going to be lost and forgotten there. More than anything, there is someone there who can listen without judging you, so that you can get all these feelings out in the open (w/o worrying about whether or not your husband or your psychiatrist would approve) which is really important.

Can't find the energy to go to the hospital. I have 3 year old daughter and I just cant handle that scene with her. She is very bright and I don't want her seeing me like this. I have become very adept at turning myself off until she sleeps. Then the basket case I become. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I will call doc again tomorrow. On another note,
I agreed to go to counseling with WH. I am surprised to hear from him that his counselor says "you aren't ready for joint counseling" (him, not me) Does this sound suspicious to anyone? I feel so paranoid and lost that to me, it reads as a warning sign that maybe he is still seeing her, has feelings for her, or still lying to me about something. I have spoken to his counselor and she told me that she will not do joint counseling when one partner isn't being completely honest with the other. He swears that it is over and I sent NC letter to her. I just don't know anymore. I don't trust him and even more, I don't trust myself. Thanks for listening.

swtbonbon,

Your pain is very familiar to me. If you feel this is too much, pray, pray, pray, but more importantly for now KEEP POSTING, KEEP VENTING, KEEP WRITING TO US ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL. We are here for you.

What are your thoughts right now? I would like to know. Tell us what is hurting you the most?

If you go to bed and cannot sleep, come back and POST SO MORE. I am serious, you need to do this.

Do you have family or close friends who live nearby? Call them. Ask them to come over, cry with them.

If you can't go to the emergency room right now can you promise us you will GO, not call, to your doctor's office first thing tomorrow and tell them it is an emergency?

Keep posting. Be well.

<small>[ December 11, 2002, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

I haven't told anyone except this board how I feel really. I am too embarrassed because I feel this way. I am trapped within my own heart. I just want to stop it all. I can't seem to turn off my head. How could he do this to me? I did everything I knew to be a good w. He wanted to go back to school, I supported him financially as well as took on the household responsibilities. Then, during all this, he takes his OW to hotel for sex. It hurts so bad to know that I saved myself for him. He is the only man I have ever slept with or loved and he couldn't be true to me. He has never I repeat NEVER met my EN's and still, I was willing to keep our M going. I had many opportunities to sleep around and I refused. He is such an unworthy bas***d. Why would I want to die over someone who is soo wrong? It hurts....Oh how it hurts. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear BonBon-
Just wondered how you were feeling today? Your last post sounded deeply blue.
DB

swtbonbon:

"I agreed to go to counseling with WH. I am surprised to hear from him that his counselor says "you aren't ready for joint counseling" (him, not me) Does this sound suspicious to anyone? I feel so paranoid and lost that to me, it reads as a warning sign that maybe he is still seeing her, has feelings for her, or still lying to me about something. I have spoken to his counselor and she told me that she will not do joint counseling when one partner isn't being completely honest with the other. "

Your C should be willing to meet with BOTH of you regardless of whether they believe you're being honest with each other or not. Counseling might be the ONLY thing that will get your H to be honest with you. If this C can't or won't work with you, get someone else!!! There is no end to bad counselors out there, and you may have one of them! (if not, be honest with them about how you feel about this issue, and see what they say in their own defense).

I again urge you to go to emergency if your Dr. doesn't call back. You know how smart and perceptive little kids can be. I'll bet your D knows you're not doing well, and being honest with her about your depression would probably be better for both of you than trying to keep it a secret.

please take care,

Today I am still very down. Realtor came to house to discuss putting it on the market in January. I'm glad. Walking around in this house is just like one big reminder of the lie my H and I have been living. Not to mention that I am now totally responsible for the upkeep, maintenance, finances etc etc etc for the house(While also caring for 3 year old,) and working, while my WH has 3 months <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> of vacation while living at dear old moms. No chores, no responsibilities- meals cooked,etc.
I have spent the rest of the morning on the phone with various insurance and doctors offices. Every one they have given me doesn't accept new patients. I've called 10, countem 10 different docs. Getting frustrated. When you don't have energy to do much of anything, this kind of stuff can really drag you down.
About the C., I met her once and she seemed very good, intuitive etc. I don't know why she doesn't want to see us together unless it is for the reason she told me during our meeting. My IC is very much for me to abandon the M.I think because of my ambivalence to the M. Sometimes I don't think I will ever be able to "get over it" and move forward. Especially when I feel this dead inside.

swtbonbon-

I am SO SORRY that things have been so hard for you lately. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to take care of a house and child as I've had my hands full with just the house!

I just wanted to chime in and let you know that what you're feeling is OKAY! Please follow the others advice and contact a physician ASAP and let them know your AD's aren't working. I remember all too well the UTTER DESPAIR that followed me around for 3-4 months after I found out about my WW's A. I had lots of thoughts similar to yours and finally got on Paxil. It worked great for me (with a few side effects, mostly grogginess in the morning) and helped me to kind of move on to the next step in the healing process. Just take care of yourself and keep posting! God bless you and your family....