Oh, and by the way, all my friends here, I'd love to hear what you think my next steps could be...I am thinking perhaps it's time to take another break from the contact for a while. I was following advice (Cerri's) to send her a little e-mail once or twice a week, a funny ecard, upbeat stuff, telling her what's new with my life, etc...That doesn't seem to be working too well.

It at least got her talking to me, I guess, though her contact the past few times has been either "When can we do these divorce papers" or "I need to come over to get xxxx from the house". Nothing but coldness and detachment from her side.

So, I'm figuring maybe it's best I just cool it until the New Year. I have plenty of plans with friends and family in the coming days, so it shouldn't be too bad...Perhaps even continue on with the NC for a while. Not a total Plan B, mind you, but after my constant attempts asking her to dinner, a movie, even just a cup of cocoa somewhere, and to be turned down for ALL that...I can't help but feel like at some point I need to stop the pursuit and just let her come to me, if she even chooses to do so.

The most frustrating thing is so far, I've tried NC for a while and contact, and neither have had a good result. When I slowed up on the contact, she was happy to oblige with the same. When I started to contact her regularly, she just ignored it for a while, and now, only contacts when she MUST. So it seems almost like, regardless of what I do, it doesn't change anything for her.

Maybe the bottom line is riding on her A. If she stays happy with OM, as she is now, there is no hope for us. There may be NOTHING I can do, no change I can make or show, that will make her leaves OM. So perhaps I just need to do whatever I want, detach myself, and let her live her life on her own.

Thoughts?

ALS

ALS:

I think it's still too soon for your W to "come home" or be comfortable around you. Try not to internalize this, though. You can make yourself crazy trying to second guess why she wanted the CD or why she was in a hurry.

I found it interesting that she made note of your hanging stuff on the wall. Hm... This gives me an idea. What do you know about interior decor that she likes? Not to say "drop everything and redecorate just to get her attention" but what do you know about what she likes that you would like yourself? Like putting up crown moldings in the rooms, or stenciling the ceiling or painting the master bedroom in some 3-toned pink color scheme <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . (Don't laugh, the bedroom we're in is pink and plum with pansy wallpaper! It's actually very relaxing and inspiring). Then, see if she notices that you're living as though there IS a tomorrow, and maybe she'll want a part of that. But don't do anything that you don't LIKE, because that wouldn't be genuine to yourself.

Just a thought. Have a good pair of holidays!

<small>[ December 23, 2002, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: T-zero ]</small>

I tend to overanalyze and that is a fault of mine in this whole situation, you're right...I need to stop doing that. Of course, I have also been dead on in everything I have assumed so far. I've assumed the worst and it's been true all the time. So, when I hear from her family that she spent her week home for Christmas in her bedroom on the computer, I'll know why she wanted that CD. I hope it's not true but fear it will be.

My W got VERY attached to me when we started dating, it was a long distance relationship, but she spent pretty much every waking moment at home either on the telephone with me or on the instant messenger. Since she is still keeping A a secret from her family (they know through me, but she hasn't told them yet and doesn't know they're aware), her best solution will be to secretly use her laptop to instant message with OM during her time at home. It's just discouraging since I had hope that her family time would allow her to reflect on our M. Instead, she's going to spend it chatting with OM and telling him how much she misses him, etc. A bit depressing.

Maybe she's just not comfortable around me at all still, it's funny though, you think that should be the other way around! I do wonder why she seems SO cold and distant towards me when she sees me. It's almost like she's afraid to show me any emotion at all.

Redecorating: Well she mentioned last time where I could hang a few new things I'd bought, I asked her opinion. She had good ideas so I wanted to show her. Painting the bedroom is a good idea though. It's a pretty big bedroom, a big job, but maybe I can do some work on it. That would at least be something positive to show her, sure.

ALS

ALS:

I think one of the big reasons your wife is treating you so coldly is because deep down she feels really bad and this is a defense mechanism on her part to help bury the shame and guilt that any normal human being would feel when committing such a betrayal.

It's not you, it's her. She's being bad and her behavior is mean and ugly. You have lots more to be proud of than she does.

You have all my best wishes and support.

Thank you Peter, very nice of you to say that.

I never like to think of myself as "better" than my WW, I realize that she is lost right now and making mistake after mistake. Sometimes I wonder if she's conscious of these mistakes, or if she's doing it because she feels she's past the point of no return now, and that there's no looking back. Could be a little bit of both. Or perhaps she still doesn't feel that she'd be truly happy coming home to me.

Regardless, I do think that her behavior is likely due to the fact that she does realize that what she's doing is hurtful and wrong. I think when the moments of happiness between us come back to her, and she remembers all of the good things I did for her in the past years, instead of focusing on the bad, that's gotta be when it hurts her the most. Perhaps my kind gestures towards her lately remind her of that a bit.

Happy Holidays to you.

ALS

Good points. Your soul may be lost right now, but it is a gentle soul as well. I think you are doing the right things.

My hope for you guys is that the awful fog will lift and she will realize that you two can be good together. The fog is so powerful and makes people do things they never would have considered before.

I hope you can stay busy enough over the holidays so this stuff isn't constantly in your thoughts.

Thanks, Peter. I am hopeful of that as well. Probably the hardest part of this process, the MB process (Divorce Busting process as well) is to do so many things against your instincts.

I have to fight the urge many times I'm with my wife to start a relationship talk. I just feel like I need to TELL her that she can still come home, that we can be great together, things like that. But with the fog in place, I need to realize that I can't make it lift. She can, OM can (by LBing) but I can't.

The holidays will be tough but I also hope that perhaps seeing her family might make her think again. Her mother tells me she will be talking to her about her hopes for us to get back together. I'm not sure how receptive my wife will be to that, but we'll see. I think at least having MIL on my side is a good thing, but even SHE can't make the fog just go away.

I plan to stay on my path, and hope for the best with my W, and yes, to keep as busy as I can over the holidays! Christmas may be tough though, blizzard on the way, I might be stuck here all by myself tomorrow! Going to see some family today though...

Merry Christmas!

ALS

I'm sure you will weather all storms in good shape.

I remember my wife's fog and it was so strange to me. When I confronted her about her affair and told me she had these "intense feelings" for someone else I was just in absolute shock.

Another thing she said a few days after D Day also will always stay with me. I was talking to her about us and how we were meant for each other and just had to be together forever.

"That's not black and white yet," she said.

I was just stunned to hear those words come out of her mouth. I still am, as a matter of fact.

This guy was definitely filling some of her most important emotional needs in a BIG way. He'd been through a divorce himself and he was really looking hard to find someone to be with. My wife is quite the catch, if I do say so myself, and he was pulling out all the stops to steal her from me.

I think he had genuine feelings for my wife, but he was really moving fast. Part of this, I believe, is he thought the clock was ticking on him and that after I found out about what was going on that he'd have a much, much harder time wooing her away from me. That's exactly what happened, so his instincts were good.

I've read a few of the emails he sent to her and he was such a smooth talker, said all the right things. What a charmer. I can see why she was eating that stuff up, especially since I'd been so neglectful in that department. I wasn't mean to her, just sort of took things for granted.

But that fog. Oh, man, that's a tough nut to crack. My hope is your wife's boyfriend starts messing up and reveals to her what a big mistake she made.

My wife and I are following your story and wish we could make it better for you. You are one tough guy, much tougher than I would have been if my wife had not given me the chance to win her back.

It'll get better, one way or the other. Merry Christmas.