</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TheStorm:
<strong>The BS is hurt, it WAS/IS caused directly by actions of the WS, but USUALLY (not always) there were situations that led the WS to make their PERSONAL choice to stray from the confines of their marriage.

And if a BS (whether it be him, myself or anyone else) adapts the attitude of "what I did doesn't matter because what you did is so much worse," well then I can certainly see why that would create chaz's point of view (to an extent).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmmmmmmm.

How is it NOT always that there were situations that led the WS to make the choice to have an affair?

I'm trying to figure out if I'm screwed up here.

Point of detail: I have frequently stated here that I helped create the poor marital environment that preceded my XW's "non-affair." (Because "it didn't happen").

Storm, if you're arguing that the prevailing attitude of BSs is that we all considered everything peachy before the affair and we should have known that things weren't good and, thus, shouldn't have been surprised at the affair, I don't think you get it yet.

I've read a few stories on this forum.

Never do we read that a WS in the act offered logical reasoning for their behavior. You've read the excuses, right? "You say acrosst instead of across." "you always brought home Coke and never Pepsi." "We should never have gotten married." "I was never in love with you."

To the contrary, we always read FWSs lamenting their behavior: "What the heck was I thinking?!?"

So, yes, I contributed to the poor state of my marriage. I failed to address obvious dysfunctions and I committed too many angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements (due to the poor state of my marriage) but I never was presented with a logical explanation and there's lots of anecdotal evidence here to conclude this is really "usually" the case.

My point is that BSs easily conclude that what the WS did was WAY worse because BSs usually don't get a good explanation. If a BS was physically abusive, a drug addict, or possessed any of a number of other social ills, this should be the WS's first reason. But we don't hear that because that is rare here. Instead we hear lame excuses.

For the record, I was "abusive" and I "hid money" that could have otherwise been spent on my dying son. Oh yea, then I later attempted to "ruin her financially."

So, until shown otherwise, what I did PALES in comparison to my XW's decision to have an affair, split two families, and leave a child, already grieving the loss of a brother, yet another loss. Period. There is not enough water in all the oceans of the world to wash the guilt from her hands.

If I help Chaz justify his point of view, so be it.

Thanks for the opportunity for me to vent - it feels good and necessary. Maybe I'm not screwed up, afterall.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>So, until shown otherwise, what I did PALES in comparison to my XW's decision to have an affair, split two families, and leave a child, already grieving the loss of a brother, yet another loss. Period. There is not enough water in all the oceans of the world to wash the guilt from her hands.</strong>

i hope that people dont thinks my point is any different than this, my point is that if we are here Building Marriages we have to look at the MARRIAGE together and ourselves individually and together.

in terms of damage to a marriage there are only a few things that compare to an A, but physical, and mental abuse count, as do addictions.

Thanks for the opportunity for me to vent - it feels good and necessary. Maybe I'm not screwed up, afterall.

well lets not go tooo far. i am glad you felt good with your post.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chazbutler:
<strong>[QUOTE] my point is that if we are here Building Marriages we have to look at the MARRIAGE together and ourselves individually and together.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And my point was that a significant number of BSs do not get the opportunity to either look at the marriage together or even hear a good explanation for what the WSs thought was wrong with it.

WAT