Hi sd - how's it going?

Re: ugly

It's already ugly. Your daughter, like my son, has already been adversely affected and we're left with no choice but to try to minimize further damage. But the damage will continue as long as our former wives rationalize that their choices had minimal effect on the child, or worse, will produce a net benefit in the long run. Be thankful that your WS has not settled down with the OM.

Do not underestimate her self-centered logic. As an example, my XW reasoned she was doing me a favor by NOT seeking full custody of my son. Her logic that she could actually secure full custody was laughable, at best, to all outside her fantasy world - but WSs in the act don't live in our universe. I know you know this.

My point - over-protect yourself for the sake of your daughter. Think twice BEFORE giving your WS any benefit of the doubt. IMHO, the best way to do this is simply priortize your daughter and do what you think is right for her. Inevitably, this approach will be detrimental to your XW - and even you - in some or many small ways, but this is colateral damage that is present in all divorces affecting children.

WAT

nick,

I couldn't have said it better. Now I have to do whatever is necessary to protect myself financially, now and in the future. I owe it to myself and my daughter. I owe my W nothing (except what's legally mandated).

WAT,

"...my XW reasoned she was doing me a favor by NOT seeking full custody of my son. Her logic that she could actually secure full custody was laughable".

I know what you mean. My W actually said to me once that she should get full custody because that's the way it works. I brought up the example of two friends of mine that are stay-at-home-dads, and she said even then the W's should get custody. She would often say "YOU are fighting me for custody" or "I can't believe YOU are going to put our daughter in the middle of a custody battle". Hell, all I wanted was exactly what she did, to be as big a part of my daughter's life as possible. It wasn't until we went to mediation that my W realized that SHE could actually lose. Thankfully, we were able to avoid that mess.

"...the damage will continue as long as our former wives rationalize that their choices had minimal effect on the child".

So far, thank God, our daughter seems to be fine, but she's only 4-1/2. She is too young to fathom any of this. The effects of the D may not surface for a while. My W told me once that our daughter will be happy as long as we're happy (apart that is). Well, our daughter seems happy, even though my W and I aren't. She also told me she'll be happy as long as our daughter is happy. Then why isn't my W happy? I don't believe a child's happiness is contingent on their parent's happiness, or vice versa. The big difference between my W and I is that I know exactly why I'm not happy, I know what it will take to be happy again and I know I will be happy again someday. To this day my W still can't tell me why she's unhappy, doesn't believe she'll ever be happy again and probably won't be without help.

As far as the financial side of this, my W should come out of this just fine. She'll get a nice payout from the house and some CS (but not what she expects). As far as her retirement benefits, I'm not sure how that works. I don't know if she has to pay that to me now or 25+ yrs down the road. If it's now, then it will hurt. She'll either have to withdraw that money from her retirement package now and pay penalties or pay it out of her proceeds from the house. It's really not my problem. I've got to protect MY future and get what I'm entitled to. My job pays me a very comfortable salary, but the retirement benefits suck. Some people may not agree with me, but I don't want to make a mistake today that I'll pay for when I'm 65.

sad dad

<small>[ December 24, 2002, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Hi SD,

I also battled for my marriage for over 2 years and now we are headed for dv... I dropped the signed paperwork off yesterday. Fortunately I don't have kids with stbx.

No matter how hard you try... dv is ugly and there's no way around it. Emotions run so high. My stbx is born again and claims I am leading an unrighteous life.

anywho...

Life does go on and next year will be better!!

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