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Thanks Gibby,
Some of my friends have been saying I need to use the tough love approach? Some here and face to face friends I have.. both.
What are your thoughts on tough love for an active alcoholic?
Thanks , H
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What do you mean by tough love?
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Honey - If you are referring to the tough love described in Divorce Busters, then yes it might work. But I think that a lot of that is part of the natural result of losing your love for your H. It might be hard to relate all of this in an addictive realtionship. Again, I can only refer back to my thoughts and feelings while drinking. Other drunks have confirmed this same philosophy: Alcohol to us is like an OW. IT likes me. IT wants me IT makes me feel good. IT helps me forget my problems. IT makes me feel like a man. And IT is easy to be with, frequently. This will sound silly to those free of addiction, but that is how we experience alcohol. It is our best friend and lover. Honey, ask yourself: If Jim was still having an A, what would you be doing with yourself? Your kids? Your marriage? I might get flamed here for that analogy, but in my opinion it fits pretty well. A HUGE part of what you bring to a relationship with Jim is being replaced by booze. IMHO, that is why the Harley's have a much shorter term approach to alcoholic/addict relationships. Similar to what they say to a BS when the WS is very heavy in the A. SHORT Plan A, quick to Plan B, define the time of Plan B, then file for D. You see it on these boards...Someone says thier H is still in the A and SH said to go to Plan B. Usually it is faster than slower because the affair is still ongoing even though everyone knows about it. Honey, do not 180, or Plan B as a step towards getting your H back. It must be a step that is right for YOU. Not an attempt towards reconciliation. Finally Honey, please remember that I don't know you or your H, I don't see how the two of you interact, I don't feel the same things that you do...these are JMHO's. It is your life. I'm just a long time alcoholic who still remembers the feelings that alcohol induced in me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . Have a safe, wonderful Christmas. I'll be around throughout the Holidays. Gib
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My dear darling hubby's 7th "AA birthday" is December 27th. He's at a men's meeting right this very minute. I love him so much. Sobriety is sexy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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Hey Pep! Wow what a compliment! Sobriety, sexy? Mmmmmmmmmmmm...mind if I...well I really shouldn't...I am kind a shy...but what the heck! Mind if I borrow your glasses for a sec? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Thanks, now I feel SEXY! Merry Xmas! Gib
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Thanks Gibby and Melody Lane, that is what I was thinking of.... more Dobson's tough love, and yes 180 too and plan b stuff.
True, my love is dying. He is not the man I married or even who he was one yr ago.
Has it made me into a pretzel , then a depressed wet pretzel... YES! I made me into it that is, trying to make life work with his alcoholism.
Hard, very much so,.
Trying to quit isolating and fighting.
I loved who he was, and who he is inside. We all are good people at one level.
His destructive acts are too much at this point. I hate to see such a sweet love get swept away like this... but it has truly been hard for a long time now.
He has not been able to be kind to me at all for a long time now.
I have stopped hurting him, but he is finding ways to blame me and be unforgving for my past actions.
I am actually starting to think I might be better off without him.
Don't want to take the focus off the thread, so will stop now.
All stories of alcoholics who quit please post.
Thanks, I am just a wife dreaming my husband could be who he is capble of being. But, I have to let this wish and the status of his life stop destroying mine.
Thanks for being here and sharing, all of you!
Merry Christmas... Honey
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Honey - People in your situation are the reason this thread exists. I started it so that you and others could see hope in your future during the Holidays. Hope may not include your S. Hope can be for a better you in a better life. Honey you wrote: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am actually starting to think I might be better off without him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To me, this sounds like the beginning of a new life. A life that has new direction, new hope, and a happier Honey. Committ yourself to that path ~ a happier Honey. Invite your H, but don't slow down the train. He can jump aboard if he wants <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Gib <small>[ December 24, 2002, 01:00 AM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>
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Gibby~~~~ Reasons why sobriety is sexy!!! Depression bows out. Anxiety burns up. Sense of humor bubbles. Self love blooms. Self respect builds. The skyscraper of love is buttressed. Any questions? Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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Nope, Sargent Pepper, no questions here. Have a great holiday and put some Beatles on! My fav Beatles album is The Greatest Hits (saves me $$ at the store! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
Gib
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Hey, WS says he made me a card saying what a nice person I am, could that be some fog clearing? Good plan a perhaps? I don't know, but he is sick so far on Xmas Eve and today.. we will see him eventually.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Doing fint without the poor me's right now.
Hugs to you Gibby for this thread... hopeful to attend another meeting tonight!
Hugs, Honey
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You're welcome Honey. I hope your H is feeling better? I've never really been sick much myself, but I've noticed that since I quit drinking I'm NEVER sick. No colds, flu, etc in 15 mos. I see it as a side benefit to being sober (and of course living in Texas helps! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). As we get closer to the biggest drinking day of the year (New Years Eve), does anyone else want to share thier story of addiction? The water is warm. Dive in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Gib
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Thanks again Gibby- What part of Texas, I'm in warm Houston. Happy Holidays and sobriety , esp. on New Years!~ As a drinkers wife, seperated from, a drink a lot less than I used to, as I used to get alcohol offered to me constantly... Finding myself more productive and content without the drink myself! Happy New Years! Would be great to hear some How you got sober stories! Thanks guys! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Honey
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There's just not enough room on the www for me to share everything.
I have many triggers that spur my addictive personality of which I have put in check through my renewal in Christ on 12/12!!! Praise be to God for his angels before me!
I am an addict of sex/porn, cocaine and other substances...I am even addicted to my work! I couldn't so no to projects, knowing full well someone else in my section could handle them!
That has ALL changed and it was my bottom of bottoms about 2-2 1/2 months ago that occurred and lead me to walk in the Light of our Lord! I lsot my marriage, lost my dignity! Lost my identity!
As much as I know I need accountability partners (have 2) and group to further my accountability, a member of our church and I are talking to our Pastor next week to initiate a "Men's Purity Pact" group, borne out of our pride of flesh and inability to go the course alone! Only through Christ and Christ alone have I been able to keep my sights on him, keeping me righteous in him. As I am righteous in the Lord, I continually crowd out my sinful ways!
I want to be a testimony for anyone who struggles with pride of flesh...I want to share my story so that I may be free! With that freedom comes humor, joy, peace, compassion passion for life,and mostly what I share is MY LOVE!
that's my story and i'm sticking to it!
In Christ's Name!
<><
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I am a sober alcoholic of 10 years. It is only by the grace of God that I am sober. There are so many events that lead up to my surrender, it wasn't just one thing. I thought I was an alcoholic at 24 & even asked a counselor if she thought I was. She said no, so I continued to drink for another 12 years. During that time, I tried to fix me, couseling, self help, you name it. I felt as if I would come up against a brick wall and couldn't go over, blast thru it, go around it. Nothing, it wouldn't budge.
Mine is also an alanon story. My spiritual awakening probably happened during a time when medically I was very ill & had stopped drinking (I was a dry drink) for 4 months. WH was sitting in the bay talking about killing himself. He had messed up so much in our lives from cocaine & drinking. I had a moment of clarity & told myself that it COULD BE ME. I drank & partied with him, tho had quit the cocaine many years befor. I think that was the first time that I linked my drinking and associated it with life problems.
God had a sense of humor though. I had prayed for WH & did an intervention on him & he went to treatment. During family weekend, I went to an AA meeting "in support of WH" and ended up finding myself. I heard hope that night, people said things that I had only said in my head, never to another person. They also said things that I had sensed but could not or did not know how to verbalize. The brick wall shattered that night It took me another 9 to figure out what the brick wall was, but that's another story! From that time on I never looked back.
It took me much longer to get the alanon program -17 years !!!
It takes what it takes and is different for everyone. As I sit in AA rooms, I hear stories much worse than mine and some not nearly as bad. No one can ever tell what it will take for another to get sober. If I had figured that out I wouldn't need alanon!
I know in my heart that I have to let WH go completely. That doesn't nec. mean DV, but it might. Letting go comes in many ways and is both in thought and action. Letting go can be the most loving thing that I can do. He is in a very bad place right now and there is NOTHING that I can do to help except pray that he finds it in himself to call out to God for the help he needs. God will be there when he's ready.
God Bless,
D.
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Hey Gibby, Remembered you asked is h is better, don't know.. but when he gets sick... watch out... for more poor me's and angry outbursts! Or is that normal?
Thanks for asking, waiting to find out if he will come over, or let us come by to xchange gifts.
Thanks again, H
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Honey,
The poor me's and angry outbursts are normal. Not that it's ok but they are normal
God Bless,
D.
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Thanks Willgetthruthis... AGHHHH! Yes, they are normal... the poor mes and angry outbursts... I did some of the angry outbursts in our old relationship, but at least now that I am not doing them, he gets to do them all alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Thank goodness I am progressing. One counselor told me it was no suprise my dependent spouse was attracted to me, who is quite capable... he did leave me when I was down and not quite as capable, for someone who might of looked capable - although her h was taking care of her.... hehe... oh well, whatever.. don't want to go down that road... But I am beginning to get myself back! Thank goodness, and know I can't take him back unless he deals with the addiction. Hugs and thanks, H
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Been out shoppin'... The crowds were big and the sales were so-so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Honey - I live north of Dallas. Ya know - God's Country <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! And yes, I also think angry outbursts and the poor me's are normal for alcoholics. You see, deep down we have lost a great deal of respect for ourselves. That puts the drinking alcoholic on edge. The poor me's are an attempt to get sympathy. Deep down they are an attempt to control you. Catch10 (that's 2 x 5 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) - Thank you for sharing your story. Welcome to the wagon! Glad you are aboard. Two and a half months? Great Job! Always remember the feelijng of your bottom.... IMHO, it is what gets you through some of the tougher times. That and your prayers of course! Good luck and please share with us anytime. WillGetTT - Congrats on 10 years!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> The first time I went to AA I was a basket case (not drunk though). I had been sober for about 2 weeks, but I was hurting and depressed. I broke down during the meeting. But even then I felt like these people knew what I was going through. They opened thier arms and I felt welcomed. As far as hearing stories much worse than mine...I can realte to that. At the time I thought my life was horrible. Then I hear about others and the things they did. WOW!! Hearing those stories are part of my ongoing treatment of this illness... Thanks again for sharing everyone!!!! I'm sure there are some lurkers watching this thread. I hope we are of some help. There is always hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Gib
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Gibby,
I used to go to the clean air group which split off from the Preston Group. I also went to cornerstone. I lived in North Dallas at the time. Before that was Rockwall and before that Mansfield. Moved from Tx in 94 to live at the beach.
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WillGetTT - No kidding?! What a small world. I go to the Colony Group. I don't live there, but when I was ready to attend my first meeting I looked online. They were the closest group having a meeting when I was 'ready'. Y'all didn't have to leave the country of Texas just to go to the coast <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ! Gib
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