C2m,

Hi hon, it has been a while since we talked. I think about you often and you know I still need you to teach me how to make your famous lemon meringue pie! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

C2m, for all your pain and anguish you are still a beautiful woman on the inside and out. Don't forget it. When a WS complains about his family, we just can't take it personally because they just don't see straight.......yes, SNL you know what I mean.

Hugz to you C2m, I also want you to change your name for the new year. Something brighter to reflect your caring character. How about ......terrific!

Let 'ol SNL know that I still remember those debate days. I don't want to put you in the middle of a cat fight, so let him know I said hi and that I hope one day we can all talk again in a friendly way. Only do this if it helps you. ok???

Hugz,
L.

C2M, I am so sorry for your pain. But, I would like to give you one of my favorite speeches to you in hopes that it will help you. EVERYBODY has had tragedy, pain, etc. to deal with in their life. They can choose to stay down and WALLER in it or get up out of it and move on. I know it is easier said than done, but they are your only choices.

I listened to some tapes called "Psychology of Achievement" once and one point he was making was explaining how the brain functions in that we can only have one conscious thought at a time, and we can choose to make it a "positive" thought. I know, again, easier said than done. But I have since tried applying it and it is getting easier to put the negatives out.

As far as the civil suit (and I AM NOT a lawyer) but my guess is you would not get very far with it. After all, You went to his house(his mothers which is not even marital property) and was attempting to go to his bedroom or another room without his consent or permission to get the key. I don't believe it matters that the key was to a joint lockbox. There are legal avenues for getting property back, but going into someones home to get it is not one of them.
JMHO.

Please quit expecting SNL to provide you with any love, compassion, support, etc. In all honesty, I believe he has been pretty plain and clear with you that he has no desire to fill that role for you. Quit expecting him to. There is do doubt in my mind that you have some worth in this life outside of SNL.

I hope this helps you in some way realize that your future is up to you and you alone. Only you can change the direction and move on and make things better.

Also, as far as I am concerned (and I belive most humans), emotional pain makes me less tolerable of physical pain. You have to fix the emotional pain and just maybe the physical pain will be more tolerable.

I hope you and yours have a very Merry Christmas, and I wish you strength to pick up the pieces and move on to a happier life.

As far as legal stuff, SNL was ordered by the judge to reinstate health insurance. He didn't and says he will when he wants to. Also, he canceled our life insurance on both of us, that I just wrote a check to in July for the coming year. He took and canceled both policies and took the money. He has no life insurance now and there is a judges order for that too. But once again, he says no one can make him do anything. He has no plans of reinstating life insurance. Therefore, if he were to die, Myself and my one son get nothing and for the rest of the 3 kids, they get nothing also. According to what I have figured out, this is a sign he doesn't care. He is looking at keeping what money he has for himself. He opened his own checking account and has quite a bit in that account. With having our own business, he just has them write a check to him. And of course with his name on the check, he just deposits it in his own account.

We have outstanding medical bills from about 3or4 years ago. Many outstanding bills. LIfe is really rotten.

Get your lawyer to help with his meddling with the legal orders? Perhaps a jail cell is in order?

Hi C2M,

I am concerned about you, VERY concerned. Whenever I have this level of concern for someone, my posts tend to come out sounding on the harsh side rather than what I intend which is to be caring and direct.

If that happens with this post, please forgive my writing technique--and please know that I want to support you and encourage you. I really wish I was better at this than I am now, but I will try my best in the hope that it helps you some.

I have been where you are at--so I know that it is IMPERATIVE that you start doing certain things now.

The good thing is this--the next time you start on this dangerous downward spiral, you will have new skills to help you cope and you won't spiral down nearly as far before you start the climb back up. This will get easier as you learn new coping skills one by one, until one day you realize that you haven't spiraled down since who knows when.

Sorry, I need to go now. I'll try to get back to post the suggestions I was going to post.

Take care C2M

I went to church, was good to talk to pastor Jim and his wife Sarah. But I am so low right now, I had a hard time at church afterwards, started crying with Sarah. Then my stupid (dependable yeah right) van wouldn't start, and finally started, I got home and it was smoking out the engine. Yeah real dependable vehicle. I came home changed, and sat down with the kids and ate a dinner. Oldest daughter and I went to my mothers, to help get ready for tomorrows dinner. This is so hard, I don't want to wake up for christmas. I can't seem to control the tears now, I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. Why is SNL able to just laugh, and conduct himself in a happy manner. I really hate life.

I came back home with our oldest daughter, and SNL is here in MY home playing games and laughing. I just spent the whole day fixing food, going to physical therapy, and now my neck and shoulder are killing me. What the heck does he think he is doing? Just spend time here, and to hell with his wife? He doesn't care one iota about me, doesn't realize the pain I am suffering, cause he doesn't ask, doesn't do anything, but sit on his butt, and play games. All I see is an uncaring, selfish, unthoughtful man. He has gotten his way the whole affair, after the affair, separation, during this divorce, all of it is him. Doing everything his way. If he wants a fight, I am going to FIGHT - I hate this crap he puts on me all the time. I hate his crap he sits in my home, but OHHH I am not allowed to be at his 'HOVEL', I know he is hiding money, and hiding things that he doesn't want me to see. Why would he be so possessive? He doesn't even have the fair mind of letting me go to his 'HOVEL' and look wherever he wants. One day he came and came into my bedroom and looked I heard his footsteps all over my bedroom, just a few days ago. He was opening drawers, and things, I said nothing, did nothing, cause you know what, I don't have anything to hide.

This is why I am so damn depressed. He is living his life with no depression, cause from day one everything is his way, and he is living his life. Probably has his OW on the phone everyday. He has his own calling card so I can't see the phone calls made. He should of thought of that when he was talking to Mrs. Whore before. Who knows, he might even have her over for his thrills in bed. He didn't have any problems having her in bed when our kids were visiting their grandpa in her state. Get rid of the kids, so he and her can romp in bed. And as far as myself, being there, he romped with her too.

This is really fair, really caring, really thoughtful. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO . To heck with life. God I hate life.

<small>[ December 24, 2002, 10:36 PM: Message edited by: cry2much ]</small>

C2M,

I have decided to hold off a couple days before posting certain suggestions to you. First order of business is you getting through these next couple days.

While you are getting through these difficult days, take comfort in knowing that many others are getting through them too--and so will you.

I want you to do this for yourself now and EVERY time you feel upset about what snl is doing or not doing:

1) pray for guidance in what to do to change your participation in the current situation

2) ask God to give snl what he needs (what God knows snl needs, not what you think snl needs)

End your prayer with Thy Will Be Done.

Take care C2M--I'll check back as soon as I can.

C2M-

I don't have a lot to offer, but I will offer this.. write a gratitude list, it might help you feel better.

Especially on Christmas, think of what you have to be grateful for, your children, your life, hope, recovery to come, little by little, step by step.

You were whole before you married snl and you can be again. You don't NEED him. Life can go on without him. He will likely be more sorry when you do move on and be happy without him.

It does sound like he is hurting you with selfishness... now you don't want that kind of husband anyway, do you? YOu can move on- you can take care of yourself and your children without a selfish man. Sure, it might be hard, but you might even end up happier without his problems dragging you down.

You deserve so much more than he has to offer you. Let him go.

Get the attorneys and your support system to help you get all that legal stuff in place... I know it is extra hard while you are in pain.. but call on those who can help you. Attorneys, courts, police.. DID YOU file a report about his injuring you?

Hugs to you C2M, I understand your pain. I have been there, but you can pull out of it. Get out of the house, do whatever you can to get around people who are kind and supportive of you.

Perhaps go to divorcecare , a church support group.. you can find churches who offer this at divorcecare.com or go to a codependents anonymous meeting... or maybe there is even a depression support group. Not saying you are codependent, but I had the issues, and groups like these have helped me, and you can get face to face support, and friends to call on the phone and come over.. etc. People who understand how you feel, who have been there. Make friends with women in your area who have been there.

YOu can get through this. Let the Lord help you C2M. I am sorry he did this to you and your family, he surely does not know what he has done.. but you can only change you, not him.

Put one foot in front of the other and start your journey to recovery for you.

You have worth. God doesn't make no JUNK.... not at all. You are a precious child of GOd's/... it is not about you, what has happened, but snl....

Let him go and move on to a new happy life which you can have.

May the peace of the Lord be with you. I am praying for you and your family in this time of challenge for you. May you grow strong.

Peace and Love to you.

Honey

Why move on? Life is just not worth it anymore? Just doing the city chicken at my moms, caused so many spasms in my neck and shoulder. Came home, while SNL is having so much fun & laughter at the kitchen table, and went upstairs to bed & put a heating pad on my neck and layed down. I was always the giver, taking care of everyone, and SNL knows that. Making sure everyone was taken care of in illness. Crying when something happened, holding and talking. What do I get, nothing, just go on like life is without mom, so why not make it real? I hate this! This is why I feel so crappy. Seems according to SNL, I am just a dog, kick her once in awhile, give her a bone, and just let her fend for herself. No petting, no good girl, just let her be. Maybe he wants to put me down, or give me away, like he wants to with our one older dog. He is a pain in the butt, but he has been with us for 13 years. So if he is getting old, body is sagging, and legs are bowing. His love is unconditional.

C2M,

This is Christmas. Please be happy for your kids sake and don't even let your thought wonder to snl today. It is about him, not you. YOu get to take care of you and put the focus on you now, not him. All the grieving is ok, but please think about your kids and yourself and put him out of your mind. YOu can decide what to think.

I am trying to say something that you might be able to grab and think positive with. If you are feeling as bad as you are typing, maybe you should call your counselor if you have one or go to the hospital for help. Seriously, there is no reason to feel that awful and not do something positive about it.

I am sorry you feel so bad. Please try to help yourself feel better... you have to do it without snl. If he were dead, even with no life insurance, life would go on. Please pick yourself up by your bootstraps for today.

Hugs, H

c2m

I am sorry you are in such pain. Seems like you also are not able to get over SNL being such a disprespectful person. Well neither am I but I don't have to live or deal with him in person. Maybe that's is what you need.

Let him know that he is now a stranger in your home. When he comes he will be a guest and will not be allowed in unless he is allowed in by the family. I did that when my WS was a foghead.....remember those days!??!?

Anyway, then sit the children down and let them know how you feel. Ask them for their assistance. Let them know that they still have a right to be with their dad but at his place. This is a temporary thing but necessary since he is being highly disrespectful to you. Share the knowledge, they are old enough. Let them know that you do not approve of SNLs treatment of yourself and his family, inlcuding the dog and his mom. Tell them you love them and hope they don't grow up and do the same to their wives and Husbands. Let them know that their future is a great concern of yours and would appreciate it if they could please show care and concern for each other and yourself. This includes helping around teh house and taking care of the animals.

Let them know you are not doing well and that one day, mom may be too sick to do all this work.....that day is closer than they think and you are getting quite weak. Don't hide that fact ok?

I even let my little one know what I just told you. He pitched in and helps out more now. I think the biggest improvement was less of a talk back attitde. I am not an invalid but could be quite easily and so could you so pull back on your giver and set your taker out there. Know that things won't be done as well as you can do them but learn to be satisfied with their efforts if they are sincere. This will be a learning experience for all and SNL will learn life's valuable lessons from his kids and not you.

Be prepared for SNL to accuse of using the kids to teach him lessons. Don't argue about it or a lot of stuff. Agrue when your life's needs are in jeporady like the financial and insurance stuff.....even then use your lawyer.

SNL, if you are reading this and even if 1/2 of what your W said is true about you and what you have done with your family's insurance and finances.......shame on you! You have the opportunity to rectify this in behalf of your entire family or prove that all your words and concern last year were a sham. Which one is it?

C2M, I know you are still angry with SNL. Dr Phil says anger is a sign of fear. Dig deep down and figure out what are you afraid of. Learn to overcome it and work with what is left.

Does SNL still love you? Well if he does (which he might) he can't because he is fearful of something great right now also. I can see that. SNL is too smart a man to be acting this stupid and yet....... he is. Hm..... not the first one to do this and certainly not the last so setting a world record in this field is not his main reason...... He needs to overcome his personal fears also and maybe you both need to do this apart from each other.

Yes, he will look like he is having fun. It is a facade. But let him think it is real because your anger and his anger are preventing the 2 of you from communicating properly.

So you really can't share everything with him like you did before. I know SNL has a heart, I have spoken to him before, infact I have spoken to both of you. For now, his heart is quite hard. Blood does not flow well as such and neither does a family run well in such a state. The effects are showing up in yourself and others. How much longer he will allow himself to be this way and watch him sink and pull his family with him, is up to him. You work on you and your children. Depend on their help, make them your support group. It may take a while but they will help.

Hugz,
L.

C2M,

This is the first I could get back to check on you, but I have been thinking of you a LOT.

I get the impression from Orchid's post that snl may be reading this thread. Oh C2M, I'm ready to cry at what I'm going to say to you next. First, please take a breath and know that many people care about you, many more than you realize now. Here goes--if you're posting in the hope that snl will finally understand and start helping you, he won't because he CAN'T, he just can't C2M. Simple as that. WE will hear you, WE will seek to understand, WE will help in whatever ways we can.

C2M, please let us help you get through this. Please let us support you while you do what is necessary to get back firmly on your feet. Do this not just for yourself, but do it for snl too--his behavior is showing just how much guilt he feels but cannot face.

C2M, even if snl wanted to quit digging his hole, come home, and start working with you to rebuild, he couldn't right now because you're not in shape to be able to do your part of rebuilding. You said that you've been mostly a giver--please let us help you start giving to yourself, because snl can't even if he wants to.

Take care C2M

Orchid - the insurance are 100% correct. SNL will agree, and he is having to pay my physical therapy daily, by me writing a check daily. He will tell you that yes he canceled his life insurance, and mine. Just more control thingy stuff he did. I don't know why, but I do know with this action it shows he does not care. Otherwise, he would be concerned about me, and he could get hit by a truck tomorrow. But no, he is not concerned. So I know that I am not high on his list.

I want to tell SNL this, if he is reading tonight. My mother had a very nice Christmas dinner, she didn't want SNL coming. She is hurt, by what he has done to me, emotionally and physically, and the kids. So I talked and mom agreed, I said I want to do this for the kids. Anyways, he came. I wanted him to have a christmas with me and my family, and SNL's mother came too. It was really nice.

Here is what SNL is like. He wanted to go to my house to look for the game Gestures! Anyways, he calls me from my house at my mothers. I told him where the game might be. Anyways, it wasn't there. It used to be in a cabinet in the living room. That cabinet is now upstairs in the hallway. He got on me, and kept saying, where is it. Try to remember where you put it. Is it there? Is it there? I said, I don't know where it is, I can't remember. He just kept getting on me. I finally told him on the phone, can't you get it, I don't know where it is right now? He said in a nasty voice 'yeah, I got it'. And hung up.

He came back, had a few other games, and no apology or nothing. He played games, and cards. I had to lay on the couch at my moms cause I was having spasms, I took my meds with me, but didn't take any cause I had some wine at dinner. He comes into the living room, and asks if arm is bothering me. I said yes. He just turned and walked away. We didn't speak to each other.

Then my sister-in-law came to me on the couch in the family room, and gave me this little gift. I finally broke down. I said we weren't suppose to exchange gifts. She said, she wanted to give me something, and that it is okay that there is no gifts. She said you and your mom put on a wonderful dinner, that was the greatest gift. Plus with dads 1year of passing away coming up on Jan 2. She said this is going to be hard. We talked, and I finally calmed down. I felt terribly sad, not getting anything. But on the e-mail we agreed no gifts this year.

Anyways, SNL came to our house. We ate a few more treats, and opened our gifts. I received some nice gifts from SNL. I said thank you to him. The kids were once again overloaded. I did the best I could, and SNL did plenty. We watched a film of the moon, and basically, around 11pm I finally said, I have to get to bed. I have physical therapy in the morning, and need to get packed and going. My van broke down Sunday, so I have to use my oldest daughters car.

I had a nice dinner, didn't eat much, cause I was having a hard time dealing with SNL, and life, and everything. I ate a few treats, and basically one other guest and I and SNL's mom did the dishes, and cleaned up. My oldest son, was such a great help. He cleaned up dished, helped with the table downsizing it, put chairs back, what a great young man. I love this kid.

Thanks all, I am trying to get ahold of myself. Scared, and lonely. Sad, at this age to be lonely.

I am so glad you are feeling a bit better. I am also glad snl spent some family time. Try being loving and kind regardless of what he does to you Crytoomuch. My counselor is really advising that. Restoring love, cannot happen while nitpicking one another, and you can be the one to stop it. It is incredible that since my h and I are getting better at stopping the nitpicking of one another a chance of our marriage maybe maybe reconciling one day is starting to happen.

Even if he is ugly or mean to you, or does cruel things, be kind, yet stand up for yourself.

I am glad you got to feeling better, I was worried about your depression being so low. I know how it feels, I bascially let myself go for months on first finding out. I loved my h entirely with my entire soul and he was too much of my life. I can take care of me and my boys without him and I am learning that, even with a slight continuing back injury... and he did leave me when I was injured badly.. so I know how it feels.. sometimes they can't take the pain or emphathize with us. They just can't understand, and aren't natural nuturers or givers. I hate that I injured my back, without that issue this yr may not have happened to me.. but oh well.

I am recovering and you will too, with or without him.

Just do what you can and stand up for you and be strong to make sure he does provide financially where he should and at least spend time with the kids, sounds like he is trying too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am happy to hear that and that you spent some holiday time together. Put a happy face on next time, not that you didn't... but suprise him with it.. he may like the old happy c2m, he used to be in love with.. Remember those days?

Reread the Harely's books if you have the time.. do everything you can just in case to save the marriage. It sounds like you would like to.. but do put you first right now. You want to be able to one day say, you did all that you could... right?

Give your all to be happy and strong, that will be a more attractive and a more happy you.

I know you are hurt physically, but use your support systems, the drugs, the therapy, all of it , to get YOU BETTER.

Thinking of you. Expectations are set ups for disapointments.. so don't expect anything from snl right now.

I know some of this may sound like bunk, but believe me as I do it, it works. Be strong.

I have always believed my h loved me dearly, but he has been willing to lose our family for 16 months now.. and I am very tired of it.. but accepting him as he is now, and not who he was, and letting go.. yet doing all I can to show him we can still save our marriage and family life.. is all I can do. It doesn't help to let me go.

YOu take care of you and give yourself that gift.

Hugs to you.

Honey

Having SNL spend christmas with my family at my mothers was out of my heart. I wanted him to be with us, to have a nice dinner, to spend time playing games, to have a happy time. At the dinner table with 15 people, our 2nd daughters boyfriends mother said grace. She had all of us hold hands, and it was beautiful. I shed a few tears, and my brother said the toast with the wine. More tears were shed. Cause my father was included in the toast. Which this is the first year without my dad.

SNL had a chance to show his intellect. With a math problem. He and our kids and the one boyfriend, parents of another, finally got on grandmas computer to solve the problem. Which provided the correct answer. This was funny to see, how intense all of them were on what the correct answer was, until finally the computer solved the problem. I enjoyed seeing them all saying 6th to the 5th power and etc.

SNL had a good time, which I was glad to see. He enjoyed his meal, which I truly wanted him to. He came to my house and opened gifts, and was laughing with the kids. I enjoyed seeing him laugh. We watched two of the cats play in the paper on the floor.

Well, off to physical therapy. My neck is stiff, can't move it to the left again. It really spasmed last night, the only thing that worries me greatly is the pounding on my temple with these spasms. The physcial therapist says it is the spasms, and runs along the nerve.

I am glad to say this holiday is over. For the reason of getting together with family, gifts, kids, etc. Now I can do other things, will look for the game today, and organize all the games in one area. Just concentrate on going to physical therapy and reading. I got some good books, especially one from SNL - The One Minute Millionaire - the enlightened way to wealth by Mark Victor Hansen who is coauthor of Chicken Soup for the Soul and Robert G. Allen author of Nothing Down and Creating Wealth. Read a few pages last night. I thanked him for the books. We both are readers, he of course being a bigger reader. But that is one thing I have always enjoyed, having books. Of course things will change now, I will go to the library for my books to return. Books are expensive, and therefore, will use the money to pay bills.

Knowing this was going to be a bad time, around the holidays, I really didn't realize know how hard it was going to be. I am thankful it is over, and hoping to beable to handle this new year. Depression is still with me everyday, just sometimes it gets so strong, and I really just want to give up. Give up on life. I go to counseling on Friday, and haven't written in my journal for a few days, but will today, and write my feeelings.

I know SNL is still in the FOG, I love him and care about him. That is why I wanted him to come to the dinner. Plus having his mother there was wonderful. She got me an antique wooden butter churner. It is beautiful. It is really old, and and a wrought iron old barn wood picture frame. It is really nice, but the card she gave me is beautiful. It expresses her love to me, as a daughter. A daughter she never had. I do love her like a mother, and talk to her quite a bit. I feel for her pain, of not having a house to live in that is hers. SNL is living in the house that she bought that needed big time gutting, (it was filthy with feces of dogs, dead birds in it, and stunk). We tore the walls down, and gutted one bathroom to the 2x4's, no kitchen, all gone. Bascially all the walls, with new drywalls, and new roof, and siding repaired, new windows, but nothing else. She is trying to look forward to the day that she will live in this house. What I got for her this chrismtas, I bought at a garage sale for her. Not sure what you call it, but an antiuqe bench, that the sitting part needs upholstering, and it is about 8 feet long and the ends are wood, but go up and out like a sleigh bed. The feet or ornate, and it is beautiful, except for upholstering. I told the woman that I want it for my mother in law. Gave her some money down, and got my mother in law and brought her to the garage sale. My MIL fell in love with it, and I told her, this is her christmas present. She was so happy. It will be beautiful once she has it upholstered and has a place to put it.

WEll, I have got to go now, BYE, THANKS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm happy for you that you were able to participate in such a nice holiday!

One of the things you said in a previous post really stuck out to me, so I would like to give you my view of it. It was when you expressed displeasure at snl asking you if your shoulder hurt (when you were laying on the couch at your mom's) and then just walking away after you told him that it was hurting. I want you to consider the guilt that snl probably feels about your injury and consider that snl asking you if it was hurting you might have been the MOST he could do at that time. Consider the extra guilt he may have felt when he saw that you had to take time out of your holiday celebration to lay down, while he was able to participate (especially since it was you who went to bat for him so he would be invited). C2M, I believe that if he could snl would take back his actions that helped cause your injury.

C2M, your happiness that snl had a nice holiday is apparent in your post. I'm wondering if it would bring you some more happiness to give a little more to snl for a week or so to see how it goes. What I mean is this--can you allow snl to help you as much as HE is able to, without resenting that it's not everything you need? For example, can you allow snl to take the kids to his place for dinner 2-3 times a week and send a plate home for you? Another example, can you allow snl to do a few loads of the kids' laundry? What things can you allow snl to help with (especially things that provide for your kids) until your shoulder is healed?

You might consider asking your kids what they would like from their dad until you are up to giving as much as you'd like to. Maybe they could ask snl themselves?

I liked another poster's idea of talking to your kids about the reality of your current situation and asking them how they can contribute (my kids were all under 10 when I was injured and they came up with great ideas that I would never have thought of).

I hope this helps. I'm not sure if you want this type of support or if this type of support is good for you. If this is not helpful or is not what you are looking for, just let me know ok?

Take care C2M

P.S. Did you like my idea of holding a contest to find a new name?

Yet Again - yes I like the idea of a new name. I still cry 2 much, but a new name would be wonderful.

As far as SNL making dinner for the kids, he doesn't. He would take them out to dinner, and I know he would bring a plate home for me. Where he is living, is not a place to cook and have kids over. If they want, they can go over anytime they want to. But it is not to their liking, and SNL lives his life the way he wants. A mess. It would be amazing if he ever took and made a dinner and had all of us over for dinner.

Why is it that SNL didn't tell me he was happy that I asked to have him over for christmas. He stated yesterday, that he just would of not had the kids come if he was not invited. And my mom would be out of seeing their grandkids. I thought this was unthoughtful, and he has to realize that their are a lot of hurt feelings in the family. The reality is that my family is hurting too. But he doesn't see it that way. He sees it has if they don't want him, they don't have to see the kids either. He just goes on like nothing has happened, and does what he wants anyways.

I was thinking, if I had done this, I would of been very gracious, thankful, and pleasant among the family that I hurt. I would of been on my best of behavior, and being somewhat apologetic. I guess it is the giver giving again.

I had a good time with my oldest daughter today. We did some woman stuff. It was nice, and I told her this was part of her christmas present. My 2 daughters and I went to a friends house for dinner tonight. The friendship talk was warm, conversation flowed, and my girls enjoyed the evening. The younger daugther even got to take home some treats for her boyfriend.

Oldest daugther and I talked about her breeding episodes of her horses, and what is to come in the future. She has a good plan with her horses, and I would like to be there for her, to take care of the horses, and help her. I love animals, and she knows that I take good care of them. She is planning on moving out to California, in about a year or more. I might move out there with her. A time for a change, a time to meet new people, a time for a possibility of a good job, church and a time to start my life over. Not a good age to do this. Heck I am scared!!! But SNL doesn't want me, hates my guts, doesn't care, doesn't want to have health insurance or life insurance. Stated to me yesterday, that the physical therapy, where I am going can't make him pay the bills. So I guess I have one more trip to go on Monday, and that will be it. He doesn't want to pay the physical therapy bill. If this happens, will talk to my lawyer, and see what they can do.

Daughter and I talked about the money spent on lawyers. I told her, that I am not happy how dad is using the lawyer thing against me, and telling all you kids that I am wasting money. I said, if you need some source of confirmation on who is wasting money, I said, I will let you read a letter about who is causing who to waste money. I told her, that if your dad had followed the rules, and the judges order, we could of been far more progressed in this divorce, and with 1/2 the money. I said, a judges order made him get a STD and HIV testing. A judges order for childsupport and alimony (temporary), I asked daughter, do you think I would waste money like this, when who is the one that saved and saved all these years, watched every penny, and did the bills. I said, look (daughter), I have done this for years, I would of liked to save money in the process, but your father has decided to be one to put his heels in the ground, and this has caused a lot of loss of money. If you think what your dad is saying is true, that is for you to believe. God knows the truth, and one day, I hope you go to the person who did what is right, and say, I am sorry. I am hurt by the way he uses me against the kids. But that is a controller, and let him be. A controller will do anything to beat their spouse down to a pulp. Even use the kids against them. I told her, your father is a nice man, in a midlife crisis, and I hope one day that he sees the light, and realizes the pain he has caused to this family. Yes we are a disfunctional family, and I hate what is happening to all 4 of you kids. I hate what is happening to me, and to his mother. I hate what is happening to my family too. Life is not fair, and your fahter has made this a one sided affair.

As far as myself, I am better today, but know that the most terrible day coming up is going to be hard. My dads 1 year death. Jan 2. Already starting to cry, and hope to be out of here. I hope to be in another state. I don't want to be here at all. This is going to be hard, since my dad and I were really close. I have no man in my life now, no one and this hurts.

All I need is someone to cuddle me, to stroke my back, to rub my feet. To tell me I am special, to tell me I am pretty, to tell me I am a good woman, and to tell me that they love me. Is that too much to ask?????

Dear CRY 2 much,
Has anyone here mentioned antidepressants?
Dear one, please go to your family doctor and get on one NOW!! You would not believe what a difference it has made in my life....along with God. My Doctor is a CHristian, and he said God has made these things available, and he wants us to use them when we really need to. Don't feel bad about this, i have been on one since Feb. of 2002, and I could not function at home or at work right now without. God will see you through this, he is bigger than any of our problems.
Please let us all know how you are, and please go see your doctor. God bless you, you are in my prayers.
KK

Hi C2m,

I have not posted to you before. It sounds like SNL is in a fog. To he!! with him. You really need to do what you have to do to take care of you and kids

Talk to an attorney, have the child support enforced, have them enforce the life insurance, medical insurance, and request that he pays for all past medical and physical therapy bills since he neglected to take care of the insurance portion. Have him reimburse you for the life insurance he pocketed. Get an order to have his tax refunds turned over to you. (I think you have to go to the county for this) Have the county collect your money. They will throw his pewtuey in jail until he forks over the $$. They have clout you don't have

Go after him in civil court for the damages to your arm. He has prevented you from earning an income. (Get a lawyer who specializes in these types of matters, not a general lawyer or family lawyer)

If my H did this to me, I would nail his you know what to the wall. Yes, I would LB and would do it with style. A little boy who would treat me in this manner is not worthy of my love and does not deserve my love. I have a very low tolerance for physical abuse.

Who made the decision about not filing charges, the police or the DA? If it was the police, I would have filed a complaint that they failed to do their duty when they disregarded the assualt. You were tresspassing, but it does not excuse the assault.

Please for yourself, take control over these things in your life. Yes, it will tick him off. Right now, he does not show you that he cares.

It sounds like he is self-employed - I don't know how it works in your area, but in my county, if the employer (him) does not comply with the order to garnish his paycheck, they can fine the company for non-compliance. They will take it right out of the account without his consent.

You see, you have control here, you need to use the legal system to your advantage. He only thinks he can do what he wants. I think he also know this too, he wants to keep you off balance so you will not do anything. He also, knows you love him and want him back, so he will take advantage of this. Please, for your own self-esteem, don't let him. You don't need to be Cry2much.

If I am correct on this one, some of the $$ awarded to states by the Federal Gov. is based upon how aggressive the state is in collecting and enforcing child support rules. (I'm not sure if I am right or not).

You will start to feel better about yourself if you start to take control over your life.

Maybe I should not have posted. Take what you want and disregard the rest. Right now I am not in a good frame of mind to be of help to anyone. I am so angry and hurt.

Take Care