Honesty with children as well as adults is very important.

Sending the 'truthful' message that marriage is not to be taken lightly...
...is also critical.

Being age appropriate...
...before it is evident that divorce will happen...
...do talk to the children.

Never tell the 'ugly' details...
...it's not your place to do so.
But... still keeping the 'truth'... is important!

Explain your values and your faith (should be doing this all along)...

Explain your feelings...
...but that decisions/choices are more important than feelings.

And most of all...
...you tell them you will always love and guide and protect them.

Do not put down your spouse...
...but if his/her actions are 'wrong'... you can inform them so... building in them a proper 'consicence'!

Prayers to you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Dear WGTT,
I never got a chance to let my kids know that WS was having an affair.
My daughter knew for 2 MONTHS before I did. She listened to his telephone conversations with OW, and even confronted him once while he was on the phone with OW.
She never told me because she thought I wouldn't believe her and/or be angry with her.
She has never recovered from all of this. She is still angry at me for taking him back before she was ready. She was totally a Daddy's girl before all this came down.
She is still very angry and hurt. I think sometimes she is right when she says she won't get over it until she moves away and has time away from us. But she has a year to go as she is 17 now.
This has devastated her so much that she has failed the last 2 years in high school. She has not gone to school since Sept. I am getting her in a credit retrieval program in February. She wants very much to get back on her feet.
I've tried counseling but she has refused after a few times. Her friends seem to help her some, but she has so much anger and rage and does not like her father anymore.
I have no advice, I just live everyday with the devastation this has had on my daughter.
Thanx for listening.
Love in Christ,
Miss M

Dear WGTT,
I never got a chance to let my kids know that WS was having an affair.
My daughter knew for 2 MONTHS before I did. She listened to his telephone conversations with OW, and even confronted him once while he was on the phone with OW.
She never told me because she thought I wouldn't believe her and/or be angry with her.
She has never recovered from all of this. She is still angry at me for taking him back before she was ready. She was totally a Daddy's girl before all this came down.
She is still very angry and hurt. I think sometimes she is right when she says she won't get over it until she moves away and has time away from us. But she has a year to go as she is 17 now.
This has devastated her so much that she has failed the last 2 years in high school. She has not gone to school since Sept. I am getting her in a credit retrieval program in February. She wants very much to get back on her feet.
I've tried counseling but she has refused after a few times. Her friends seem to help her some, but she has so much anger and rage and does not like her father anymore.
I have no advice, I just live everyday with the devastation this has had on my daughter.
Thanx for listening.
Love in Christ,
Miss M

Jim / NSR

Your post lists some very helpful guidelines. As we have progressed thru this, I have lied but I'm not sure that I have told them all that I need to. There is a next step comming so I am preparing what I am going to say with lots of input and prayer.

D got a little more info on MB at the NE get together by listening to others talk. Before this it was just a support group on the web, now there are real live people in my life. She's pretty astute and I hope that she doesn't figure out who I am on this board. When I got a lap top I only posted there so that the kids couldn't pull down the history & read the boards. I need a safe place to post.

MissM,
My D has reacted the same way to her Dad not being at home- anger and rage. She also has not gone to regular High school since shortly after he left. This year we got her in a program at the college where she will receive both HS & college credits.

That is something that I need to consider now, is the fall out and how to best help them and what outside sources are available.

It devastated me and I know that they will be devastated too even tho OS told me not to stay M for the kids. When it happens, I think even he will react.

Thank you so much for all your responses so far ...... It is really helping me to sort out what and when I / we (if WH will) say. Any more stories!

D.

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Just saw this post and wanted to add my 2 cents...

My FWH told OS in the heat of anger at me on DDay. Not the best thing to have done, but shows where his brain was at the time. I'd never have told the kids...truly it's "Mom and Dad" business. My H's revalation to my sons question as to "why is Mom crying? Is everything ok?" Was "You wanna know whats wrong??? There is someone else! I was gettin it from her cause I wasn't gettin it from your mother!" OUCH!!!! First of all the crudeness shocked me...THIS was NOT my husband! He would NEVER have been so outright nasty to a child! Our son is 14 and quite aware of what his dad said meant. Long story short, my H left the next day for 2 weeks. I felt then I had to set my 2 daughters (ages 12 and 13) down and explain the best I could what happened, due to the fact that my son was LIVID and ready to shout it to the world! I told my kids "Daddy made a very bad mistake. I love him and he loves you guys, no matter what he decides to do, he will ALWAYS be your Dad and he will ALWAYS love you." Well, H now deals with guilt about the kids reactions, including our 13yo D cutting herself and talking suicide over this mess. We are all in recovery as I have found out even tho this is "Mom and Dad" business, it affected all of us and we all have to learn to live with it.

I strongly believe that kids know when something is wrong, sometimes even before the BS does. I therefore think that you HAVE to tell them what's happening. The kids will have been struggling to make sense of the way their parents interact with each other, as all kids must develop some kind of mental model about the way relationships work. If you tell them enough of the truth to fill them in, they can identify what a marriage looks like when it is going wrong, which will help them to identify problems in their own future. They can also watch how you deal with fixing things, which will gives them some confidence in being able to hang-in to their own relationships later.

My own teenagers have been superb; we assured them that they had no responsibility for our problems, that they should not feel that they had to take sides, that they would be loved and looked after no matter what. Although they are angry with their father, I emphasise to them that they 'own' their relationship with him, and must make their own peace with him, and have the courage to take issue with him if they feel really mad about things.

I hope it works.

Me (BS) 44, WH (45)
Married 17 years, two teenage children.
D-day July 02 SA, 4 As, still in A#4
Aug 02: A#4 &#8216;ended&#8217;