I'm truly happy only when and if I see him. Any gesture on his part, any acknowledgement sends me into a happier tailspin...I have to stop NEEDING his presence in my life. I have to stop wanting this marriage.

He doesn't want it. He doesn't love me.

He left me on New Year's Eve with his sick daughter...he's not the kind of man that I would ever want.

After 20 years of "together" Christmas seasons and New Year Eves, he managed to push me away.

Yesterday D was still under the weather. We agreed that it would be better that she stay with me. I ended up going to the office with her to clean up my office. Then I went to my mother's and gave her a bath.

I get up each morning. I go through the motions. That's all. My family knows that. His family knows that. Unless I see him or connect in any way, I feel nothing.

This morning, he showed up out of the blue wanting to see D. I was getting her ready for school. He said he would drive her. I didn't argue.

I had prepared a lunch for her because I didn't want her tummy to be upset by other food. My D was happy. He balked. I called the school to confirm it was okay and they said no problem. He thought it was dumb. I said nothing.

I was invited to dinner by some old friends. I went to high school with the husband. I was very close to him and his family growing up. His family was the pillar of the community at that time. I loved them. They loved me back. He ended up marrying of my H's old school chums although I became close to her during university days. The husband called me recently to express his "sympathies" at the new of our breakup. He said something that made me think, "Don't forget where you came from and who you were to all us and what you are inside." It touched me.

I mentioned to my H that I had plans after he warned me to pick up D early because of the weather. I shouldn't have but I did mention who invited me... He said, "what, so you're a victim for them too?". I said calmly, "No. Maybe it's because I'm a beautiful person and that's why they invited me." Surprisingly, he said softly, "yes, you are."

He got in the car and not five minutes later, called me from his cell. "Oh, just wanted to tell you that my father is now really sick also.."

My MIL had already called me this morning to tell me.

Another very interesting thing, one of his oldest friends is a musician. We were in his wedding party. Well, he was playing at a quaint restaurant New Year's Eve. He and his wife invited me to go. If my D had not gotten worse, I had planned to...but strangely enough, my H, who had dropped by to see these people, knew nothing of where this guy was playing. H also asked while on the cell if he should mention something to this guy who he needed to call...yeah right.

God, how I need to detach. How I need to stop seeing him. How I need to not care anymore.

If I don't stop, I really believe I will not make it.

Happy New Year to all of you.

T,
Why haven't you initiated a Plan B? Isn't Plan B meant to save your own sanity? How awful for you to be seeing him and loving him and he only be angry and non remorseful. He will never know what he has truly lost until you discontinue contact with him. It sounds like he still has complete control over you. And obviously you are a wonderful person....he knows that and your friends and family know that.

2003 - LOVE YOURSELF! and LET GO! The good old saying...if it's meant to be.....

Work on you so that you can be an even better you for yourself and your D.

God Bless!

Terrified,

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

I really don't know much about your story, other than what you've posted and what is in your by-line, but it sounds as of you really need to PLAN B for a while. If it is hurting you THIS much to have contact with him, then stop the contact. It will be painful, but you are getting so lost. The consequences of THAT are worse because once you fall into the pit of despair (depression) you lose EVERYTHING!

You need to get a life for YOU and stop worrying about whether or not he will be there. Be strong for your D and yourself.

Terri,
Your H sounds so callous and I wish I could just give you a hug!

He tells you things in a way that he views you as a bad mother...but yet, D is sick and you are the one who has her, who plans a tummy-friendly lunch so she doesn't feel worse.

He thinks that is dumb? I don't think he's the sharpest stick in the forest! He isn't very compassionate, even with D, is he?

I think that you feel alive in his presence because each time he sees you, on some level, he attacks and you inevitably have a rush of adrenaline.

I don't want to push meds at you, but I suspect either an anti-dep or anti-anxiety med might help you both with your "lows" and with that "nothing" feeling.

In a way you are a victim, you didn't plan for your H to have an A and walk out on you. But your H is very wrong for thinking that everyone who spends time with you views you as one. I did a little "martyr" time/oh woe is me...and I don't see that in you. I see you struggle, and be sad...but that's what is on your plate right now.

You work, you take care of your D, you interact with friends, you go out socially, you talk to your in-laws...you are MANAGING, not martyring.

I'm glad you spoke up to him. You are a beautiful person to me too. And, I'm glad he backed off. Bullies often do back off when their target doesn't go belly-up. You did good.

Terrified, I am going thru the same thing myself, And am still functioning, going out with other people, family etc. but nothing seems right without him. I think it just takes time and with this there is really not any closure, because we are dealing with something that doesn't stop. We don't want a divorce, we want our marriages back and better than they were but they don't, at least not yet. My H. just thinks I want him because I am needy. It's funny because since he has been gone I have done more than when we awere together and I have friends. He doesn't have that many friends any more and just spends time with OW, doesn't even contact his own mother. Everything he does revolves around another woman yet he tells me I'm needy and have to have someone. Doesn't make sense to me. Anyway, You are a decent person and your friends know it, deep down your H. knows it too, he is just guilty. He knows what he is doing is wrong. Hope your D. is feeling better. DBD

2 things Terri....

1. It helped me to sit down and figure out why I still loved my husband after all the horrible stuff he had done. I discovered that he met needs of mine (like attractive spouse) without having to put forth the effort <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I also discovered a great deal of emotional dependency, and so as I worked on my own independence - and was able to be aware that my emotions were also effected by things not under my control.

2. When was your last talk with Steve? What is your plan? Part of the problem is that you are simply floating along in limbo. This is my less than gentle nudge for you to get back in touch with Steve and BACK into a plan.

I've always thought all a long that your husband is definitely still emotionally involved and attached to you. Nothing I've read yet changes that opinion. You could continue like this indefinitely because your husband has lots of enabling factors. Get back in a plan Terri, for your sanity, and so that there is some definite closure one way or another.

You don't have to stop wanting your marriage. But if you want to keep your sanity, you do have to stop letting him dangle you in limbo-land while you put your life on hold to wait endlessly for him.

I hope you will go to Plan B. Where has Plan A gotten you? He will not stop his abusive treatment and disrespect until YOU make him stop by removing yourself from his life. That's what Plan B is for -- to protect yourself and your children from rotten treatment and to save whatever feelings you do have for him.

He's not going to protect you from his bad treatment. You're the only one who can do that. You have taken more than enough. He wants you out of his life? Great. Get him out of YOUR life so you can have peace and quiet and sanity and control again. If he wants to come back and be a grown-up husband and father again, THEN you can talk -- but not before.

Once you try this, you will only be asking yourself why you didn't do it sooner.

Terri,

You have been given some awesome advice and now you must decide to follow it.

Someone said that he doesn't want you in his life so you must get him out of your life!!! So very true.

Plan B is where you and your sanity need to be right now. Sounds like you have friends and family close by that could help you in passing daughter back and forth, there too you must set up a schedule and stick to it, he can't have access to her or you at his whim! Remember he doesn't want you in his life, and until he doesn't have such easy access he won't be seeing what he is giving up, he hasn't had to give it up yet!!! Sounds like a cake man!!!

I don't want to seem harsh, but I have watched you strengthen with each and every post that you have made, you just have to buck up and take the next step for yourself, you are worth it.

Look for other things in your day to be excited about, don't allow, I repeat allow him to have control over your life and your feelings. It's hard, very hard I know, but you can do it!!!

Think of all that you have gained in knowledge thru this and let that knowledge get you thru!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Terrified,
You do not have to give up on your M at all but you do have to give up the need to let WS have the control and power over your emotional health. So many have posted such sound advice and care. You know there is not one of us that would not wish this away for you if we could. Alas, it's a journey you have to want to make for yourself. Don't you deserve that? To be the very best emotionally and mentally you can be?

Think about if your D was exactly where you are, what advice would you share with her? I'm sure it would be as so many posted to you. You are a very strong, brilliant, compassionate being, so it's time to remember all those good qualities in yourself and utilize them for YOU!! You have given so much of yourself up for this man that is not ready to own up and grow from this, he wants to ride the fence and until you have said enough is enough for you own healing and emotional sanity he will continue to do so. Please take care and think about what all the posters have been nudging towards you, it is really worth looking at. Take Care and my thoughts are with you.

You

Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>I...I mentioned to my H that I had plans after he warned me to pick up D early because of the weather. I shouldn't have but I did mention who invited me... He said, "what, so you're a victim for them too?". I said calmly, "No. Maybe it's because I'm a beautiful person and that's why they invited me." Surprisingly, he said softly, "yes, you are." </strong>

YES YES YES...... Terri, you response was great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am proud of U!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Next time? Remove the Maybe.... give a more definitive response. Stand your ground you beautiful woman. ROAR with pride!

<strong>He got in the car and not five minutes later, called me from his cell. "Oh, just wanted to tell you that my father is now really sick also.."

My MIL had already called me this morning to tell me. </strong>

Looks like he can't stand you having an upbeat momment. So be prepared for these and work on your comeback lines. Terri, what I see here is a glimmer of hope.

Please let me explain. For a short momment, you broke down his wall. He spoke softly to you then he remembered he had made you the enemy but for a momment his santity peaked through.

For a while that is all I saw also. Just a glimmer. That is when I asked the WS please go find my H and ask him to come back here so I can tell him I love him..... I shed tears with those words and should have won an oscar, except it was not an act.... it was real.

All I had at the time was a glimmer. Well I have him back but then again.... just kidding.

<strong>God, how I need to detach. How I need to stop seeing him. How I need to not care anymore.

If I don't stop, I really believe I will not make it.</strong>

Now this is the kind of negative thinking we have to help you alter. Yes you need to detach but you also need to know you will make it. Yes you will. Why? You have the best helpers on your side.

Hugz,
L.

terrified....

YOu say you are truly only happy when and if you see him...BUT stop and think about the paradox...the majority of encounters are him being mean to you.....exactly how many of these encounters result in ANY type of even decent interactions on his part??? I am concerned about that mindset of even negative attention is better than none...problem is his negative attention just stagnates you in doing anything...You let this negative attention into your life over and over again...to the point I fear of just letting it continue....which he happily does...

What does he gain from this...does he gain getting to still see and keep tabs on you and even control you somewhat...while at the same time..continueing to justify his actions of infidelity and abandonment???

What does he want from you...
does he want to push your buttons hard and long enough so that you get angry enough to be the one to file..this is a common role of WS...to be let off the hook for being the "bad guy"...
does he want you to fight for him...to be strong enough to let him go to "show" that you care about him...
and no matter what you think terrified the answer is not that he has moved on from you...NONE of his actions say that...he is way way way to involved with YOU (not just your daughter) to have his actions of involvement be acceptable to some OW>...no OW would put up with his constant interactions with you..if they were planning on moving on together at the present time....

You continue to focus on these grandiose ideas in your head that you state as if fact.

he doesn't love you anymore
he loves the OW
he is kind and wonderful to the OW
he and her have this wonderful relationship...
yet his actions are
he stops over unnannounced
he calls constantly
he taunts and attacks you constantly....
he pretty much gets his terrified fix in every chance he can...but then of course can't miss the beat of putting you down....

Well guess what...for as much as you believe all is well with him and OW fog land...I say no way...no moves have been made...and if they were he!! bent on being together...surely enough time has passed to make it so...
ALSO...for as much as you believe YOU need to see him to be happy...I believe it is really him that is unable to cut you from his world...and why not take advantage of that???

Since this guy has walked out on you and daughter he has left you 100% custodial parent...when was your last night away with a break??? When has he ever taken her to his place for an overnight...You are doing no service to your daughter by perpetuating his lie and coverup of his actions....she knows daddy is not living at home...perhaps it is time for YOU to stop protecting him from her and her right to know and respond to his actions....

I think you have let him take control of your entire life...you go through the motions with each and every hope and focus being that he will come over, stop by, call,
It is a new year and time for you take control of what you can....

People have encouraged you to pick a plan...even one of your own...but to pick one that respects and brings only dignity into your life....you have let him beat you down with same old stuff long enough...

Sometimes we get so caught up in being petrified that we will "LB" that it paralizes us from setting and stating simple boundaries that protect us from disrepectful behavior...

The time is at hand for you to sit down with this guy and claim your self from him...and then pick your plan and do it...
setting boundaries can be done in a non LB way...

time for him to quit with the cookie cutter accusations of you being a victim..time for you to clearly state your current situation in life...and start to live like that...

Terrified...I need more feedback from you...
what do you want....
long term short term... I can list lots of things I want for you...
but what is it you want....

ARK

First things first, thank-you for all of your heartfelt replies and for your concern. May you and your families receive God's blessings in 2003.

Just a brief update...we had a large snowfall last Friday. I didn't send D to school nor did I travel to work. H came over at 11:00. Shovelled the driveway with D while I did some work from home. I continued to work in the basement office for most of the afternoon. Kind of shunned courteously. (I'm trying.) H was watching the Bold and the Beautiful...a hotel in Italy. He says to me, "Oh my God, you'll love this." We used to talk often about going together. It was supposed to be our 10th anniversary trip at one time. Our 5th was Greece. It hurt to hear him call me over a second time to watch the scene but I said nothing.

Saturday, we didn't see him at all. I didn't pester. I didn't even ask if he was going out. He called and asked if he could take D to church with my IL's and then to his mother's for lunch on Sunday. He then planned to take a nap there so suggested I "do some errands". Well, I didn't oppose the idea. I just said fine. The next day, everthing was different. He was going to take D to our church. Was going to come back to our house for the nap. It's funny when you step back, things are different.

Saturday, I took D to the mall with my mother for the afternoon. We sat down to have lunch with mutual friends...it was nice. These mutual friends are the same ones that invited me out to New Year's eve and the same ones that are trying to plan a 40th get together for my H. My H turns 40 this Saturday January 11th. All through lunch, they said nothing. Couldn't they have just mentioned it nicely and respectfully? Don't they know that these things still hurt?

Their reaction? Well, they're planning to do the same for my 40th and wouldn't have mentioned anything to H...what's the big deal?

Why does it still feel like betrayal? These friends know nothing of the A...

Fasttrack to Tuesday...H leaves me a message he's going to the hockey game with a supplier, have a good night and kiss D. I'm sure it's his attempt to be "civil friends".

Wednesday, he shares a few work quips with me (surprise?) and then suggests a few home improvements about what I should build in the sitting room...listened and paid no heed. Walked away.

Today, he calls to see how D is..."have a good day"...friendly civility once again...

Hello OUC, Thank-you for your kind words and encouragement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why haven't you initiated a Plan B?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I spoke to Steve Harley and he recommended that I Plan A for as long as I can stand it. So that's what I'm doing. And honestly, I'm not good at Plan B with a young child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He will never know what he has truly lost until you discontinue contact with him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like seeing this statement in writing but I'm not sure that he values anything about me. I continue to pray that he will see the light. I will try to minimize our contact. I will try to let go.

Hello Kily, You're right. I will try to become stronger or at least appear so.

Hello Lor, My H has definitely lost all compassion, that's for sure which sadly enough, yes, does include D. As always, thank-you for your encouragement.

Hello DBD, It's strange. My H has mentioned my neediness also. We have to change that perception FAST. Thank-you. My D is feeling better.

Hello BR, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It helped me to sit down and figure out why I still loved my husband after all the horrible stuff he had done. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You reminded me of something I should be doing more regularly. I keep hearing from most everyone how I can NEVER forget/forgive what he's done. I guess that's normal for non-MB'ers.

How did you work on your own independence because I do believe that's part of my problem.

And I hope to make an appointment with Steve in the next two weeks. You're right. I need Steve to help me back into a plan.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've always thought all a long that your husband is definitely still emotionally involved and attached to you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow...I love "hearing" this from you because I feel it down deep but I guess, most of us here at MB do.

Hello PB, I know you're right. I really do.

Hello Daybreak...hope you're doing well. Sounds like REALLY tough love time...I know.

Hello Neesha, You, too, have offered some insightful comments. I do not know why I still look for hope in his words or yearn for recognition in his eyes. I've need it for so many years and counted on it. Unless I "feel" his approval, I don't feel whole. Yet, he lives his life without mine.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You know there is not one of us that would not wish this away for you if we could. Alas, it's a journey you have to want to make for yourself. Don't you deserve that? To be the very best emotionally and mentally you can be?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank-you for stating it so sincerely. And as for my D, I would definitely try to steer her in the same direction.

Dear Orchid, Thanks so much for your emphatic response!

Glimmer...yes, I felt it too. I'm currently living on glimmers but in my case,perhaps it's just wishful thinking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you need to detach but you also need to know you will make it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do have the best helpers on my side.

Dear Ark, Thank-you for caring enough to look for me...

I really need your help and guidance with a few things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You let this negative attention into your life over and over again... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I disallow it? How am I supposed to react in order that I may gain respect? Last night, something I failed to mention, he complained about the stove drawer...how it was crookedly opened, how my clutzy ways of opening it screwed it up...in a matter of 30 seconds he was SO angry that all he started to breathe heavily ranting, "he needs to get out, get out". I walked away and his demeanor shifted 360 degrees.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">does he want to push your buttons hard and long enough so that you get angry enough to be the one to file..this is a common role of WS...to be let off the hook for being the "bad guy"... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I absolutely believe this statement and many of my friends and family are pushing me to file. I don't believe I am ready. What do you think?

Does he want me to fight for him? No way...or at least that's the image he portrays.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">no OW would put up with his constant interactions with you </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But does she know? She knows nothing of his interactions with me or D or knows only what he tells her which I'm certain is far from the truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe it is really him that is unable to cut you from his world...and why not take advantage of that??? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my heart, I believe that he is unable to get away from me. But how do I take advantage of this? He adamantly refuses to take D to his apartment. His refusal is almost lethal which turns my request into what I believe to be an LB.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> setting boundaries can be done in a non LB way...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How?

What do I want?

I want lies to stop. I want piece of mind. I want to be able to walk into a room and not feel humuliated. I want to be able to feel joy. I want to trust. I want to love. I want my marriage restored. I want my daughter to be happy. I want to raise my daughter in a healthy environment. I want to wake up in the morning and not feel dread. I want to enjoy life like I used to...

Hi T.

I have a question for you.

You mentioned that H said he needed to get out and repeated this statement.

This to me sounds like a cry for help.

From my perspective, I'm completely in the dark - I read this and think:

"How can I stop all of this? I am so unhappy and lost. I can't fix it because I don't understand what's wrong! I'm angry, but I don't understand WHY."

From a WS point of view, this is what I see based on your comments. I went through the same nitpicky stage. I found that EVERYTHING annoyed me, but at the time I was too angry to understand what was going on.

Just something to get you to think.

Hello Kily, Thank-you for your reply. Your WS perspective has helped me to better interpret his anger. However, I am at a loss as to how to react?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This to me sounds like a cry for help. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Possibly...but there's nothing I can do, is there? What would you have wanted your BS to do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I found that EVERYTHING annoyed me, but at the time I was too angry to understand what was going on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes...my H is definitely TOO angry. What helped you stop and step back? To realize?

Is it "normal" to feel somewhat alienated, removed, disjointed...from people that you love?

Dear Terrified:

My WS is about to move out. He is like your WS, very angry with me and not remorseful. I still desperately want him and our marriage just like you. Have you figured out what causes you to be so dependent and pleading to someone who is treating you so badly. I just can't believe my husband is treating me so cruelly. Its been worse since D-Day. I'm struggling to make through this day... this life.

Terrified...

Do you really want to be married to a MAN..who watches the Bold and the Beautiful ??? I am not sure I have yet recovered from that tid-bit...and while hopeful for you up to now...This bit of info might be a deal breaker for me!!!!
....Atleast turn him onto Day of Our Lives...in fact I think that's the show with the aliens in it ...right up the old WS alley.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Unless I "feel" his approval, I don't feel whole.

YIKES YIKES YIKES>.that statements is almost enough to make me jump in my car and come up there and pinch your head off...no matter who you are with you should never ever live your life feeling that way.....ever ever ever ever ever....

Think also about you wanting the lies to stop....and yet you so carefully pick and choose what you believe to be truth and what is not...

You believe that everything is great in OW fog land...to me that is a lie and to you it is truth...
and yet you believe that he hates you has no feelings for you...does not care aobut you at all...to me that is a lie...and to you it is truth....
You might be better off in believing NOTHING from him....nothing nothing nothing...but at the same time you should you should start to believe a lot more in you ..
You give his words way way to much power and control over you and what you believe others believe about you and him....
actions have and always will speak louder...and he has NO ACTION to back up much of what he says....

I had this long post typed out...and just felt it was to bogged down...

Terrifed it is January...think about one thing to accomplish this month...small, big, whatever..one goal,
one stand you are willing to take...change...

one question you are willing to ask him no matter how much you believe the answer will scare you...

one limit you are willing to set no matter what his reaction...
One thing that makes you feel better.

I am becoming less and less interested in him...while you stay very focused on him...and much more interested in feedback on what you want...and what your plan is to get what you want....

ark

Terri,
The fact that your H prefers to have his time with his daughter at your house, and is adamant that she not go to his apartment is another really odd behavior. If he didn't want to see you, he'd gladly make that adjustment.

A WS who doesn't want to see the BS avoids them. Your H doesn't avoid you and by spending the time in your house, he makes it unlikely you can avoid him.

He's a big mess of contradictions, do you see that?

His actions are to stay involved with you. His words aren't, his emotions vary.

If you are comfortable leaving him in your house, when it's his time with your daughter, do you think you could leave? I used to do that. Guard didn't have a good place to take the kids, so I agreed he could be with them in the house...and though I didn't leave everytime, left sometimes. But, then he did go through my stuff--briefcase, computer files.

I know you want to spend time with your H, and leaving seems contrary to what you want, but it is a change of pattern, a pattern that isn't always working. If you aren't there...would the drawer make him so mad?

The drawer thing is weird anyway, he doesn't live there, it shouldn't be something he feels "ownership" for....

It really is no wonder you have a hard time dealing with him, he's a crazy-maker.

Hi Terrified.

You asked me some pretty diffcult questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Possibly...but there's nothing I can do, is there? What would you have wanted your BS to do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By the time at was at the point where your husband seems to be, there was absolutely NOTHING that he could do. I had given up and sought refuge in the A. It sounds like your husband is still torn between a full blown affair and loosing you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes...my H is definitely TOO angry. What helped you stop and step back? To realize? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had been working out my pain with a therapist prior to the A.

When I moved out, I continued to do the internal work, even though OM was in and out of the picture. I WANTED to be healthy.

At some point, my XBF stopped reacting to me. His "controlling" manner (That is how I perceived his version of PLAN A) completely reversed. It was as if he was finally accepting that I was an independant person that deserved to have the freedom to make her own choices. THe truth was, he simply stopped loving me and his need to have me return was going away.

This took the prssure off of me to make him happy, and it allowed me the "freedom" to really look at what I felt about him, the family, and everything. I started to feel things towards him that the anger masked.

I went away with OP to Las Vegas to take care of an extremely personal issue. Prior to leaving, I knew I wanted to move back home and work things out when I returned. I communicated this to XBF and he was not really enthusiastic about the idea.

To make a long story short, while I was away, the FOG finally cleared in a BIG way. I sat in the hotel, looking in the mirror, and it finally clicked that I WANTED my famliy back. That I was in a foreign place, with a foreign party, and I should be at home. I didn't even recognize the person in that reflection! I had really hit bottom.

When I returned home, I learned that XBF had started dating a lady from his job. It rocked my world because I had done a complete 180 and now he was through.

THe rest was history.

I guess the best answer to your questions based on my story is:

Sit down with your H and tell him that you love him. You understand that he is NOT happy. You realize that there is nothing that you can do to fix it. Let him know that it hurts you to see him so torn up inside.

Then....
Set a boundary with him. Tell him that as much as you love him and want your marriage to work, you can not continue to live this way. Tell him that EVERYONE is hurting from this and that you need to protect yourself and your daughter. Let him know that you will NOT allow him to keep bouncing between the two of you - then ask him to tell you what he wants.

I believe that right now, Orchid's idea of pushing their faces together and forcing them to kiss is really appropriate. As hard as it is, LET HIM GO! The more you are impartial to him, the sooner he will realize that he is loosing the LOVE of his life. He will not see this while he is ANGRY. PLAN-B him! It's hard, but he WILL come around when he thinks that he's lost you.

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

Hello everyone. Thank-you. H went skiing for the day today. I don't know where and with whom and I didn't ask...he called several times last night after dinner but D didn't want me to answer the phone nor did she want to call him. He did leave a message at some point, "Hi, I'm just leaving the office to go play hockey at 10:00 (named the arena)...if there are any problems, leave me a msg." More friendly civility...choke me!

Hi Mimi, I found myself in your state in what seems like only yesterday...all I can tell you is that my attempts at trying to stop him from moving out were in vain because they were blended with tears, pleading, ranting...if only I had left him alone. If only I had put on the face of "acceptance", perhaps things would have been different. I no longer plead like I did. Tears do flow but not in the same context and very rarely in front of him. Why do we plead for our aliens? Because we believe. Practice MB philosophy. Listen to the advice you receive here on MB. You will become better because of it. My prayers are with you.

Dear Ark, No matter how serious I try to be, you always CRACK ME UP!!! Okay, first it was Barry, who, by the way, is fast becoming one of my daughter's favorites!!

Hey, I LOVE Days of Our Lives...Between the Bo/Hope and John/Marilena storylines, what more do you need in life??

It would be great if you were close enough to come and pinch my head off on a daily basis...I need MB to be CLOSER so that I can do THIS!!

[QUOTE] no matter who you are with you should never ever live your life feeling that way /QUOTE]

You're right but that has always been one of my problems and one of my H's pet peeves. Always felt more worthy if OTHERS approved. I am trying to work on that and let go of the need to feel liked by everyone. I was always so concerned with what everyone thought of me, if they were talking about me, did they like what I said, did they think me to be intelligent...I always felt so inferior. Even today as I write this, I am concerned about a few very close friends who haven't called me this week probably because of H's b-day. Is it because they feel like they're sick of me? You know...I have tried so hard not to call any of them this week so that I let go of the need to feel their approval. Admittedly, this was a struggle but I did it.

You're right about everything I believe re:the OW. You've captured my thinking it's almost scary that you know me that well through written word.

I am trying to figure out what it is I can put in place that will pave the way...

Hugs to you

Lor, I will leave more often when he is in the house. Actually, right now, I don't like to be around anymore. I don't want to be near him as I used to...I have put up my own walls in a sense.

I fear feeling close because I will be disappointed. I have little expectations.

I used to share many "daily" things with him. Now I have become "civil". Give him his time with D. No exchanges except the ones he initiates.

It's all control Lor. He definitely wants to control me in his own way, doesn't he? It is all about control which I'm slowly trying to shift without his really noticing...

Kily, When I ask him what he wants and he tells me that he wants a divorce, what do I do then?

What did you want?

Love to all of you!