Kily,
I hope revisiting this did not cause you pain, if it did I am truly sorry. I think I know what your getting at, and I think I agree.

Ok, if I've got this right; wife blames me for everything bad. This includes (IMHO) her child rape, the sexual assault as an adult, our mutually open relationship, falling in love with OM, and OM leaving her (only the tip of the ice berg!).

I think she blames me because she has not dealt with any of these problems yet. She thinks she has, but what she's really done is suppress her feelings/emotions. And because I have been there for each of these events (except the child rape, but when we became sexually active the repressed memories came back) she associates me with them (back to that transference thing). Am I on the same track here?

I know the issue with reporting the sexual assault was very traumatic. She felt embarrassed, humiliated, etc. We were in the military at the time, so protocol required this person’s supervisor to speak with my wife, he told her that from what he knew of this person he would never do that, and he couldn't understand what happened but he would find out. My wife translated that into "You deserved what you got, slut". These are her words, not mine.

She wanted it to stay quiet; I pressured her to move forward with it. Now I'm not sure if it was for her sake or mine. I can't relate the feelings I had/have for this man. I wanted to see his career ended, I wanted to see him in jail, and I wanted to see him destroyed. I also wanted to make sure this didn't happen to anyone else, and this is what I kept telling my wife.

She has made many changes in the recent past, most since the sexual assault occurred. She dyed her hair blonde, started dressing VERY provocatively, started dancing MUCH MORE PROVOCATIVELY, stripped for a short time, changed her hair style, changed her style of music, started going to college, quit her job, stayed at home for 6 months, got a new job. These are only the few I can think of off the top of my head.

Now when she goes out she wears barely nothing, basically has sex on the dance floor, etc. She says she acts this way because it gives her control over men, and if people are going to look at her then she may as well look good.

My wife is beautiful; she has a gorgeous body and takes care of herself extremely well. But her actions bother me. I've tried talking to her about it, but she won't listen to anything I say.

TM-

Don't be sorry. I share because it helps me to heal. I haven't allowed myself to feel anything but vicitmized about this. I need to feel the ANGER and PAIN in order for it to truly be gone....I hope you understand.

She and I could be the same person. I've said it before, and I'll repeat it because it's true.

Although I NEVER got THAT permiscuous, I also went through what I call the "change your identity" phase. My appearance also radically changed - New hairstyle, new clothes, etc. I lost interest in everything that mattered and went after the "fantasy" life because my own had become too painful to live in.

For me I went the other way - dominate men with my mind so that I could feel intelligent. I felt invisible in my old life so I found someone that acknowledged my emotions and my intellect.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She wanted it to stay quiet; I pressured her to move forward with it. Now I'm not sure if it was for her sake or mine. I can't relate the feelings I had/have for this man. I wanted to see his career ended, I wanted to see him in jail, and I wanted to see him destroyed. I also wanted to make sure this didn't happen to anyone else, and this is what I kept telling my wife.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is BIG stuff. Maybe it's time to look inward and really address this. Once you do, apologize to her. Open up to your W and tell her what you feel. She may pretend that it doesn't matter, but that inner child of hers needs this desperately.

Her demons are ruling her. The "D" talk is sourcing from the need to "fix" what is broken. Since you are the "source" of her pain, she thinks needs to separate in order to have the pain go away.....

Kily,
I try to understand, but I honestly don't think that I can. Afterall, I have never had these things happen to me, so I can't even begin to imagine what it does to a person.

I'm trying to address my issues, and I have appologized to her MANY times, especially since all of this came out. She just looks at me and says it's ok, she doesn't hold anything against me, or them, and it's not my fault because things happen for a reason.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Her demons are ruling her. The "D" talk is sourcing from the need to "fix" what is broken. Since you are the "source" of her pain, she thinks needs to separate in order to have the pain go away.....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I know this is true, but she won't believe it. She said last night that she could not trust me enough not to hurt her again. She's said several times "He's gone and now it's time for you to be gone." Referring to the person who did that to her as a child.

I can see the problem, but she will not recognize it. She always blamed her parents for what happened when she was a child, because they should have known and should have protected her. She has never had a good relationship with her parents, until lately. Now she gets along great with them, and I'm very happy for that. But I think I've replaced them as far as the blame game goes.

She draws strength from her mom. Her mom tells her it's ok to get D, and she's right in feeling all of these things. She tells her that there's no way it can still be her childhood that she's dealing with because she's read books about it and that just isn't it. But, her mom doesn't see her every day, doesn't know what she's really like. She has created a very good front for her family, the sweet innocent but VERY STRONG victim.

I see her in a different light. I think she really does want to be sweet and innocent, she never got that chance. And I know she's a victim, but I don't think she's dealing with her problems, and I don't think she's as strong as she would like people to believe. I know she's stronger than I thought she was, but not as strong as what she would like to think she is.

Am I on the right track with this? If not PLEASE tell me. And if I am, what do I do? How do I make her realize what it is?
--------------------

TM-

You're on the right track. Problem is that she will not accept anything you say to her. You can't educate her, and tp try to only sends her guard up. Unfortunately, I don't know WHAT you should do with this. She will only face it when she is ready to.

Have you sat down with her mom and given her your views on things? Is the mom someoone that will be open minded in this situation? Is your W seeing a therapist now?

I know, every time I try to talk to her about it it's like another wall goes up and she says I'm just looking for excuses, and something to take the blame off me. I don't know, sometimes I think maybe she's right, but I really don't think so.

I haven't talked to her mom. I'm sure by now "my views" have been so distorted I'm not sure she would even be open to it. Her mom raised her to be VERY independant, always telling her she didn't need anyone. I think her mom is reinforceing that no, and if she hasn't told her so I'm sure she's VERY HAPPY that wife is finally leaving me. Her mom hasn't liked me for a very long time. I was the one who got her teenage daughter pregnant, I was the one who cheated on her daughter (in high school) and broke her heart. She always told wife she needed to date other people, we were too serious. I think this stems from her marrying FIL at a young age and never being able to play the field.

Wife is in IC with our former MC. I don't know how well that is going to work. He isn't one to point out things, he just sits and listens. I really didn't care for him too much, but wife said it was because I was searching for someone who would take my side no matter what.

I'm not sure what to do with this. I'm praying for strength, wisdom and guidance. But, I know she has to be receptive for any of that to work, and right now she is receptive only to those who will tell her what she wants to hear. That leaves me, my IC and God out of the equation.

I thought about starting another thread this morning, but if someone can go back and read this at a later date and get an idea of the YO YO affect then maybe I should just keep posting on this one.

Ok, this is going to be a bit on the lengthy side, it's been a long weekend. I'll try and give you the "Readers Digest" version of events and see if anyone can give me any feedback.

At some point last week we had a discussion about how we act around each other. She said she was afraid to be nice to me because I might take it the wrong way. I told her I would take everything at face value, and if we are still living together we should try to be as pleasant as possible, even playful and flirty if that's what she felt like (she brought that subject up, said she was supressing feelings so she wouldn't get my hopes up).

The weekend for the most part was unbelievable. First the good things:
1)She is talking to me normally now, not angry, sad, hurt, etc. Just the way she used to be.
2)She gives me hugs now, even initiated a couple of kisses (little pecks).
3)She initiated sex, after a teasing session which she said she felt guilty about. She said she didn't want it, but gave it to me because she thought "I needed it".
4)She has been cuddling me in bed, or asking me to cuddle her because she's cold.
5)She's been pleasant and fun to be around.
6)She slipped an "I Love You" on the way out the door the other night, nothing with feeling or true emotion, just one of those "I Love You" out the door habbit things. But, that's the first one in nearly a month.
7)I washed her car and cleaned out the inside for her, it needed it. She noticed and thanked me the next morning.
8) I made cupcakes for my daughter's birthday party at school. She thanked me several times.
9) We went to the mall and she asked me to wear a particular sweater because she liked it on me.

OK, not sure what, if anything, any or all of this means. But if nothing else it's making our time left together enjoyable instead of miserable.

Now for the bad:
1) She mentioned something about her mom knowing about the key mark on her car. I said "that's nice, now she thinks I'm a psycho. But I bet she doesn't know WHY your car got keyed." (Background: I keyed her car and let the air out of her tires on D-Day #1 when she was at OM's house). She responded angrily with "Mind your own business". LB#1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
2) We were in a store and she picked me out a pair of shorts for the gym. She commented that there were more on another rack, I asked her which she liked better. Her response was something to the effect of "Make up your own mind for once." I was just asking her opinion, but she took it differently.
3) She didn't go to church with us again. To argue her side she didn't get any sleep on Saturday because we went to the mall, then had to work Sat night. So, she was exhausted Sunday morning.
4)She had IC appt Mon Morn. IC told her nothing wrong with her, she's dealing with things perfectly, she didn't need an IC. She told me and I was flooded with emotion, not sure exactly what or why. She made me lay down with her and take a nap, held my head. I did cry, couldn't stop the tears. BUT, there was no breakdown, no uncontrollable sobbing, just tears running down my face that wouldn't stop, and I didn't know why.

I still have no reason to believe that there has been contact with OM. But I wonder if she's acting this way to cover up for contact, or is she coming out of the fog (already?), or has she reverted back to trying to make this easier on me, or is she just being herself?

I know, A LOT of info here, sorry it's so long. I've got more, but we'll start here and see where it goes.

The positive signs sure look good. However, also based on my personal experience, I'd be careful not to open the champagne too early. Her reaction sounds v much like she is trying to alleviate her guilt - and that doesn&#8217;t necessarily mean she is out of the fog, has seen the light, and embarks on a process of true recovery. Typically, contact with OM doesn&#8217;t stop just like that. And then, once that happens for sure, ie WW came to insight that only 'no contact' is the right thing to do, you'll be fighting with her withdrawal symptoms. For months, in my case. Again, this is my experience, and also drawn from many other stories here from the board - your particular story might take a different turn/timescales of course. But, in any case, keep on hanging in there, be ready for the long haul. You're doing the right thing.

Nick,
Thanks. Part of me doesn't see how there could be contact at this point, but the other part of me knows that if either of them wanted it they could find ways.

I'm definately not jumping for joy yet. We have a VERY LONG and HARD road ahead of us. She still talks constantly about seperation. I'm 99% sure she will go, weather it's because of OM or not.

We went through about a week to a week and a half of BAD withdrawl. Extreme depression, not eating, sleeping all day/night, anger, hate, etc. She still has not shaved her legs since D-Day #2 (very unusual) so that makes me hopeful. But then I wonder if she's just doing that to throw me off.

I really hate analyzing everything like this. But I just can't help it.

People who study behavior used to say that to change behavior you had to change a persons attitude. Now after lots of studies they say the best way to change behavior is to get someone to practice the behavior you want them to adopt. Their attitude changes as they continue the targeted behavior.

Keep on going this direction. If she acts married long enough she will probably stay married. You should be doing what you can to meet her needs. Remember not to preach to her or try to teach her unless she wants to learn. ( Hint, when she wants to learn, she will either ask you things, or she will show interest in learning about marriage restoration.) Don't push, just keep acting like you love her and act like you expect her love in return. That is, like it is normal for her to do these things for you. ( but don't take her for granted, keep expressing thanks and admiration for her.) Don't over do the admiration, it has to be genuine.

Someday, if she continues to be more and more comfortable, you will have to bring up your relationship and how to prevent this from ever happening again. I hope you are finished swinging, and that you can express sorrow for hurting her. I realize that she has hurt you also, but this is not the time to worry about that. Later - when she is comfortable will be the time to bring up meeting needs, and filling out the forms. ( I hope you already have a copy of HNHN and have read it.)

Remember that if you are nice to someone there is more chance that they will like you. Continue to be nice to her even on bad days.

I can tell you from personal experience that this Marriage Builders stuff works. I encourage you to keep working on it as hard as you are able to do.

Give non-sexual affection. Back rubs, foot rubs. Over do it, and do a fantastic job. When she questions your motive, say that you want to express your love for her in an way you feel she will accept, because you have strong feelings for her. Don't expect it to lead to anything else.

Really you are in a good spot, ( compared to where you were,) don't mess up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS,
I've heard that about behavior as well. Something to the effect that if you want something to become a habbit, or a behavior, you must practice it for 6 mos without failure.

I'm trying to meet the needs she will allow me to. Some she will not. As far as her acting like she's married, she hasn't really done that in a long time. So, I'm not sure her staying in the same house will really make much of a difference (I don't know, maybe that's just the bitterness talking). I've stopped preaching or trying to teach her anything. She knows that information is here if she wants it, and I will help her with it if she will let me. As far as admiration goes, I have been more vocal lately. If I catch myself saying something to myself, I reapeat it outloud (Ex. "She smells good today).

We have stopped swinging. At least I know this is a chapter of my life I wish I could erase, but it's chalked up to experience now. I want nothing to do with that type of lifestyle anymore, I find it disgusting and extremely depressing. As far as her... I'm not sure, I know she says it hurt her and she can't stand it. But actions speak louder than words and she still dresses and acts like... well, I'll let you decipher.

We have read HN/HN, I think she applied it to OM more than our marriage though. She won't read anything else, isn't interested in anything that has to do with fixing marriage. I try as hard as I can to be nice to her all the time, and to always be upbeat and smile. But we all know that some days are worse than others.

Despite the fact that things have been so much more upbeat lately I find myself becoming more depressed. I think it's because in my mind there has to be contact of some type; she could not have changed this much this fast without it. I feel like I'm being played for a sucker again.

Last night was more of the same. When we went to bed she took my hand, asked me to cuddle because she was cold. Throughout the night as I tossed and turned I would cuddle her, but she would not roll over and cuddle me. She would move closer, but wouldn't cuddle.

This morning we started an e-mail dialogue, something we used to do all the time, but hasn't happened since D-Day. Much of the same attitude of late, flirty and fun. Then all of the sudden this one comes out of left field.

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No, I do believe that I'm back to normal now. Sorry.
I'm starting the packing process in the bedroom today, what do you want done with all of those "movies" in the closet? I figured I'll wait on the precious moments packing for a while, since people might be coming to visit soon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still don't understand... but I guess if I did then we wouldn't be in this spot huh?

Despite the fact that things have been so much more upbeat lately I find myself becoming more depressed. I think it's because in my mind there has to be contact of some type; she could not have changed this much this fast without it. I feel like I'm being played for a sucker again.
You are afraid. That's because you don't know what is going on, or what will happen, and you want so badly for things to work. You are afraid it won't work.

It's common, and I can't tell you how to let that part go and think about other more positive things. You have to find a way to do that....somehow.

Last night was more of the same. When we went to bed she took my hand, asked me to cuddle because she was cold. Throughout the night as I tossed and turned I would cuddle her, but she would not roll over and cuddle me. She would move closer, but wouldn't cuddle.
I don't know if I would read to much into that. My W cuddles sometimes, and others she acts like I have the plague, and we are in love and getting along well in all areas.

This morning we started an e-mail dialogue, something we used to do all the time, but hasn't happened since D-Day.
On the whole, I would take this as positive. She is working her self back to normal life.

As far as the rest, sometimes we have an obsession to do something and we have to do it.
You just need to continue to meet what needs she will let you meet, and do the best you can. You know that you can't make her do anything. Get your hints in as often as you can without rebellion on her part. If she asks you to stop one thing, quit that and do something else. Once you proved to her that you didn't love her (even though she said she was fine with it) and now you have to prove that you do love her ( even if she says that she doesn't want your love.) Keep proving it.

SS

TM-

What SS said makes sense to me. In some ways I am feeling similarly and my reaction to it all is to withdraw and feel hopeless about it all.

Just step back and look at how far YOU have come. What have you done for yourself this week to make YOU feel special? Try to let the negatives influence your esteem so much.

Your wife may just be testing the waters with comments about moving. If you hada controlling attitude in the past, but are now being supportive, she may be testing you to see if the "new" you is real. On the other hand, she MAY just move. There really is NOTHING you can do but show her how wonderful YOU are.

Realistically, if she does move out, she will be forced to face a completely different life. It will be a matter of time until it hits her how much she misses her life with the kids and you.
Believe me, I am speaking from the heart.

Wouldn't you rather have someone that is absolutely committed and wanting to be with you than to have someone that will always wonder: "Gee, my life would have been great if I was on my own and able to be with whomever I please....."

I really believe you are doing great. I think that like me, you need to look after your needs for a little while.....stop stressing, relax, and take comfort in your higher power.....

SS,
Your right, I am afraid. Hell, I'm very close to terrified. I've been trying to change my thinking, it's just hard to do. Much easier to say here.

As far as the cuddling goes, I LOVE IT! It makes me feel so good, especially when she takes my hand, or moves closer to me. I guess I just look at the way it used to be. We would start the night out all cuddled up, every toss or turn throughout the night was met with the other adjusting and cuddling back. I know, baby steps... She is at least showing affection, and I LOVE IT!! (Did I mention that already?)

The only thing that bothers me about the e-mail thing is now she spends A LOT of time on the internet. Yes, I'm VERY HAPPY she e-mailed me, can't express how GOOD that felt. Just hits some triggers, wondering if she's actually chatting with OM.... Bad thoughts, I know...

I think I'm over analyzing EVERYTHING. But my defense mech. won't allow me to stop. It keeps telling me that I didn't analyze enough before, so now I must OVER DO IT. Maybe eventually I'll find a happy medium.

Kily,
First I want to say THANK YOU!! I've been missing you, worried about you. I know you have your own troubles, and I appreciate the time you are taking to help me with mine.

Yes, I would much rather have someone who WANTS to be with me, than someone who feels like they were forced to be with me. I've told her that several times, that's partially why I almost feel like I HAVE to let her leave. Make sense? I know I could get her to stay. Although I don't manipulate or control her now, I have not forgotten how, and unfortunately I have to admit I was VERY good at it. So, yes I could make her stay, but I can't and won't do that. It would not be the same.

Honestly I cannot believe how much I've changed in such a short amount of time. It kind of scares me though, I hope she's not right about these things being temporary. But, I don't think so, because I have made changes for myself, not for her. Perfect example is she HATES my smoking, I have not stopped. Partially because I enjoy it, partially because it's a stress relief for me right now. But, if I was changing for her that would have been the first thing that I did change because she hates it so much.

Ok, I'm rambling now. THANK YOU BOTH SO MUCH for posting. It's been difficult the past couple of days, despite all the good. Thanks again.

Hi TM-

First I want to say that you really don't need to thank me. In helping YOU, I am helping me.

Believe it or not, sharing some of what I did with you is starting to jarr some memories tha I had buried WAY DEEP inside. These occurred when I was about three and are definately a MAJOR contribution to why I have been so emotionally lost for so long. I'm not sure if theose things would have come up if I had not starting openign that door again!

Interesting times these are - Yes it's very difficult, but I promise that at the end of all of this, you will be so completely different that you will wonder WHY it took you so much pain and time to get there. If you are in disbelief about the changes, imagine how freaked out she is, about things.

You are doing great, just pace yourself and CRY sometimes. It is okay and you will feel better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kily:
<strong> If you are in disbelief about the changes, imagine how freaked out she is, about things.
.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I can only imagine. And I can understand why she must think that these things will only be temporary. But, only time will show her that they are not.
[QUOTE] You are doing great, just pace yourself and CRY sometimes. It is okay and you will feel better.

Wow, I just realized that I haven't cried in quite a while. Monday was the last time, that's when she had her meeting with her IC. Honestly I haven't even felt like crying since then, very unusual.

Today is a little better. Started off worse, couldn't sleep last night and I felt myself pulling away from her. I made my mind up (not sure when exactly) that I wasn't going to let myself go down that road today. So, here I am, cheerful, happy, etc. I actually do feel pretty good today.

Thanks again Kily, I hope this isn't causing too much pain, please let me know if there is anything I can do.

TM:

I have been in your position, feeling good about the positive efforts of my WS. I believe I may have gone too far and thought that this meant that he was ready for recovery. I've learned today that I have to accept that he really is only trying to test the waters with me I think. He really is still thinking about her and wanting to be with her despite being at home. That really hurts. We are snowed in today and want the old him back. Instead, he seems depressed and angry. I guess going through the withdrawal process. Rather than laying off I have been begging and pleading-LBing big time! This is so hard isn't it?

I'm needing words of encouragement. Is there anything that I can do to fix this for the rest of the day? I guess to just tell him that I am sorry and to try to go back to being wonderful.

Mimi,
I know what you mean, that's why I'm being so cautious in all of this "niceness". I'm starting to feel in my gut that it's a cover up, or deception, or maybe even guilt for her continued contact with OM. Of course I don't know for sure, but I strongly suspect.

Maybe your right, maybe they are trying to test the waters. To see if the changes we have made are real, to see if they can be happy with us. I don't have the answer to that one, wish I did, but their the only ones that know why they do the things they do.

I know exactly what you mean about being with you, but wanting to be with OP. Your right, it does HURT!

One thing I have learned (don't always practice it, but I know it) is that we can NEVER have the "old them" back. That is long gone, and I don't want that person back. After all, they are the ones that cheated; I want a new and improved version of the old one!

I haven't been at this very long, so I'm not sure I can/should give advise. But, here's what works for me. If I'm having a bad day, screwing up, LB'ing, etc. WALK AWAY! Yes you’re snowed in, but go to another room, take a bath/shower, read a book, etc. Just get away and leave him alone. Give each other space. Post here if you need to vent, if not get off here, it becomes addictive and depressing (your constantly thinking about your problems when your here).

Apologize for "loosing it" for a while. Just explain that you were having a bad morning or something, use the hormone thing (my wife always does because it has to work)

Concentrate on happy thoughts and being happy. Remember, you are creating a person that you want your husband to WANT TO BE AROUND. If you’re sad and moping around he's going to think more of her, less of you. Change it up; the ball is in your court.

Hope I've helped a little, good luck and I hope the remainder of your day goes better.

TM,
I believe you are on the right track and doing the right things. Some things are much easier to stay away from than to fix, but you that choice is in the past and we all need to make the best with what we have. I believe you are doing that.

Your right, I am afraid. Hell, I'm very close to terrified. I've been trying to change my thinking, it's just hard to do.
One of the things we do is keep going over things in our mind until it almost drives us crazy. You need to do something about this. I'll bring it up later on.

The only thing that bothers me about the e-mail thing is now she spends A LOT of time on the internet. Yes, I'm VERY HAPPY she e-mailed me, can't express how GOOD that felt. Just hits some triggers, wondering if she's actually chatting with OM.... Bad thoughts, I know...I think I'm over analyzing EVERYTHING.
You need to change your thinking even more than you have. Make a change from thinking about everything to only concentrating on the things you can do something about. Think about that for a minute. ( or two or three) We waste so much of our energy worrying about things we can't change. What if she is e-mailing OM? What if she is?
What can you really do about it, and still keep in the confines of what you have learned on this website? About all you can do is say that continued contact hurts you, and you can plan A. You already know how to say you are hurt, so you need to put your effort into working on your plan A. I don't believe she will sit down and fill out the EN survey, so you are going to have to do it for her from what you know about her. There are a lot of things you can use for clues. What did she like about OM? What made her happy pre A. What did she like when you first met? Think about all of it ( perhaps you already have, even over and over.) I am telling you something you already know, but I want you to take another look at it. Remember, this is all you can do for her, it is all you can do. Plan A, and don't LB. Plan A, and don't LB. You ought to be figuring out how to run the greatest plan A the world has ever known, not just an average one, that will get you by.

I know I could get her to stay. Although I don't manipulate or control her now, I have not forgotten how, and unfortunately I have to admit I was VERY good at it. So, yes I could make her stay, but I can't and won't do that. It would not be the same.
I am glad you won't manipulate, but you need to tell her your feelings ( probably you have done so, just checking.) You need to tell her " I want so much for you to stay, but you are free." You need to say it in words you would usually use, this is just an example. Probably you are better at it than I am anyway.

Honestly I cannot believe how much I've changed in such a short amount of time. It kind of scares me though, I hope she's not right about these things being temporary. But, I don't think so, because I have made changes for myself, not for her. Perfect example is she HATES my smoking, I have not stopped. Partially because I enjoy it, partially because it's a stress relief for me right now. But, if I was changing for her that would have been the first thing that I did change because she hates it so much.
I disagree on this one. When I was 19 I became friends with an English professor that taught me something about this that has made a big difference in my life. He taught me that you always do the right thing, no matter what the reason. Even if the reason is poor ( quit smoking for her) do it anyway, because it's the right thing. Then over time, if you continue to do the right thing, the motivation will change and someday it will be for the right reason. Now I am 47, and many of my good traits came to me because I began to do the right thing for the wrong reason. I pretended - so to speak that I was better than I was, and I became that better person. At this point, I would expect you to say " what I mean is that I can't really stay away from smokes unless "I " really want to quit. " Do you know that you will get points ( in her mind) from trying to quit, from struggling with it, because it is the right thing? Even if you have trouble quitting, it is still the right thing. One of the reasons she wants you to quit is because she loves you.

It's been difficult the past couple of days, despite all the good. Thanks again.
I wish I could say it will be easier soon, but it will be the most difficult thing you have ever done. In fact, if you do quit smoking, you may very well say that restoring your M was more difficult. That, because of the emotions you will go through.

Wow, I just realized that I haven't cried in quite a while. Monday was the last time, that's when she had her meeting with her IC. Honestly I haven't even felt like crying since then, very unusual. Today is a little better. Started off worse, couldn't sleep last night and I felt myself pulling away from her. I made my mind up (not sure when exactly) that I wasn't going to let myself go down that road today. So, here I am, cheerful, happy, etc. I actually do feel pretty good today.
You are learning, and perhaps you already have figured out what I said, do what you can do, and don't waste thoughts on what you can't change. You will learn to cope better, and have good days. I am glad to see you doing better. Perhaps the worst is behind you, wouldn't that be great.

BTW, helping others helps to clear your thoughts, and if you get around much on the boards, things will come to you that you can do, while you are typing to someone else. Keep helping others.

Remember we are just fellow travelers going along in life just as you are. I hope some of this us useful, and I hope you have success in your quest for a restoration of your M. I also hope you have success in your personal growth, and that you come out of this more like the person you are trying to become, and less like the one you are trying to leave behind.

SS

Is it OK to communicate our hurt feelings about continued contact during PLAN A. My WS hates for me to make reference to the A. Says for me to focus on our relationship. Of course, I think he is still cake-walking.