Catch this MB friends!

It's almost comical.

My WS who has been gone since yesterday afternoon just called from his office asking "Is it safe to come home?" Am I right that he was hoping that I would be ranting and raving?

Also, he sounds like he's MAD AT ME. I guess he's got some idea in his mind that he was justified in leaving for 2 days. In my brief conversation with him, it seems like he wants to bring up things from the past. Of course, that takes the heat off him and the A.

What do you think is going on? More of the fog?

Remind me what my response should be. No questions about the weekend? No expressions of anger?

WAT makes a good point. I should add that the stuff I read was always presented NOT as "You shouldn't do this because"...

It was more like- "when we separate, per your desire, we'll need to figure out how to help the kids through it. Hmmm what does this book have to say?" Most of the time I asked my H if he was willing to listen and he was. Likewise my H was willing to go to marriage counseling in order to plan how to make things easiest for the kids.

Mimi is in a tough situation with her spouse's actions. I don't know how I would handle it myself. Her H is putting up an angry attitude as a defense since he knows he was wrong to go awol.

Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>Catch this MB friends!

It's almost comical.

My WS who has been gone since yesterday afternoon just called from his office asking "Is it safe to come home?" Am I right that he was hoping that I would be ranting and raving?</strong>

BS reply: Is it? I am not sure. I am safe here. Why wouldn't you be? Is something wrong?
(practice batting those lovely lashes - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

As for his ranting/raving..... act as if he won't (depending on how he answered the above, let him come back if you can). If he does, calmly show him the door and let him know that his presence and actions are not making you feel safe.

<strong>Also, he sounds like he's MAD AT ME. I guess he's got some idea in his mind that he was justified in leaving for 2 days. In my brief conversation with him, it seems like he wants to bring up things from the past. Of course, that takes the heat off him and the A.

What do you think is going on? More of the fog?</strong>

BS reply: U R mad at ME?!?! I am feeling the same about you. I know my reasons, what are yours?

NOTE: if you are not ready for digging in the past and know it is a ploy to divert attention from the A, excuse yourself or ask him to remove himself. Nothing more fun than to send a frustated WS back to the OW. Listen it has high LB potential from afar.... especially if he was going to go back anyway. See if he does leave, it sure won't be your fault. Tread lightly and carry a big stick.

<strong>Remind me what my response should be. No questions about the weekend? No expressions of anger?</strong>

Right, no expressions of anger. Disappointment, sadness, dismay..... but not anger. Save that for another time. You could ask him.... will it make you happier if I cry or get angry now? Will it lessen your conscience so you can go running back to the OW if I make you angry? If so, please tell me so I can practice......

JMHO,
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>More of the fog?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can hear the fog horn from here!!

Yep, stand by for foggese, alien-speak, general balther. The sure signs are there - he's mad at YOU and he's bringing up stuff from the past.

"Is it safe to come home?"

Translation: The best defense is a good offense. Pure blame shifting. See it?

I'm glad you see this for what it is, mimi. You know what to do.

That said, there is value in his accusations and angry words. Look for clues for legitimate grievances.

You're doing good, hang in there.

WAT

I'm sorry that I didn't have chance to respond to all your helpful posts.

Firefly: I think you are right on target regarding why he wants me to give him up. Why do you think that my Plan A is having an effect? I do believe MB principles really work. The first thing I said to him when he came home this weekend was "I missed you but you know I can't sleep when you are gone". I could tell he was shocked and likes the idea of being needed.

Espoir: I loved your post regarding education being like a dose of reality. In fact, yesterday before my WS left we were having a discussion regarding how expensive a marital separation would be. He realized exactly how much money he would need to give me just in order for me to live with no extras, given our present lifestyle. He was thinking of renting him a fancy new condo to take his sweet young thing.

Wokeup: I was praying while I was driving in my car today for some kind of thought tactic to relieve me of the pain I was feeling. What came to mind and has really been helpful, cheering me up, is a fantasy of me with this unknown perfect guy who is everything my WS isn't. I think you hit on a big issue for him. He knows very well about my high interest in intimacy --- and that I probably would not be sitting here knitting. That's exactly what he wants me to do. He admits it. He said that he would go out and "get himself together" (meaning play around with sweet, young thing) and then he will come back in about 6 months. Laughable right? Foggy thinking. What got me on this train of thought was a conversation that I had with one of my WS's friends. It was innocent, I think, but he was giving me all these wonderful complements that I am not getting from my WS and they felt good. I was thinking maybe I can be with another man after all as I have been with my WS for 30 years.

By the way, WS did not come home ranting. He looks guilty to me. I think he does not know what to do with my nonemotional response which is not typical for me AT ALL.

He is sitting quietly in his easy chair reading today's newspaper like a "GOOD BOY". Yes, there is underlying hostility in my tone. However, it will remain undercover. I have really been working on cheering myself up today.

Thanks WAT, I will try to remember to attend to any grievances that are expressed.

Yep, this sitch is sometimes referred to as "the big elephant in the middle of the room."

It's hard to get him to leave and when he does, he just knocks everything over.

You're doing well, mimi. I guarantee that you are WAY over his head with your understanding of everything.

WAT

And this..

Mimi,

My WH also tried to blame me for his affair - if you hadn't disrespected me, blah,blah...
Some points were legit, but others were VERY false and he was projecting his insecurities onto me. He is a huge LB'er.
My main point to him was that he didn't talk to me about what he needed before he decided "I guess I'll sleep with someone else." How fair is that? Not very.

SW's are selfish and in a fog. They are the alien remember.
As far as the hotel room, she isn't here bs and then the latest call and he softly says she's not with me...WHY would you believe him? He lies. My WH lies, all WS's lie...and they may even tell you later it was to protect you.

HOGWASH! It is so they won't get caught, or won't have to deal with a confrontation.

I agree more with KEEP and others who encourage Plan B if you can mentally prepare for that....I see this post is pretty divided. I have been blatantly disrespected by my WH too and it is very disheartening.

If you have heard of James Dobson, he writes a book called Love Must be Tough, based on Christian Principles and reclaiming your dignity. I listen to the tapes in my car and at home. Now let me say, I am trying to hold onto my marriage and all of us BS's on here I think are exhibiting such nobility to do so. But there is a time to shut the door on Plan A and I think your time is now. I am going to try to attach a link to Dobson's write up about his philosophy.

http://www.family.org/marriage/A000001322.cfm

If he wants to separate, let him. He is feeling trapped no doubt so open the cage door. He may not want freedom once he finds out that he can have it.

I hate to see this pattern on here. I too, am guilty of accepting WAY more cake eating than I should have. My attitude is changing though and I am getting stronger. You will too! Remember you are a GODDESS!

Be respectful but FIRM, be loving, but don't tolerate this continued in-your-face A.

I mean, answering in his underwear????!!! Her car was there???!!!! Uncool. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Free:

This was 5 years ago. I eventually went into PLAN B after PLAN A and we are happily recovered. Here is the rest of my story.

PLAN B

LOL! I didn't even look at the year on your post. LMAO!!

Wow, what an amazing story. Kudos to you and your husband!

I am reading your Plan B info now from 5/2003. This is so helpful to me as I am going through the same emotions as you were...not wanting to push my husband into the arms of the OW, and letting him cake eat.

I only hope and pray that he turns his ways as your WH did.

THANKS for the link.

Me either!

Scared the tar out of me and I was really worried about you for a second, Mimi!!!