<small>[ March 04, 2004, 11:15 PM: Message edited by: A whole new me ]</small>

People copes differently ... and BTW ... it is not bad mouthing OP,it is a fact ... including SO too !!!. Could you really forgive OW for what she has stole your H and break your M ?. You could sit across the table while she is all over your H ?. How do you cope ? ... We don't know your H, we don't know you, we don't know OW ... that's the beauty of this forum, we don't even know if your story is real. With many poster from TOW, you might be OW ....

People comes and goes ... hope they go away after they learn something from this forum ... Learn what you need and leave the rest behind.

-rh-

To answer your question...sometimes we do! Is it productive? Not really. It's just a way of venting....you know about venting...right? It's pretty normal to want to lash back at someone who we feel has caused us pain. No, it really doesn't lessen our own pain, but it is pretty much what we humans tend to do.

So let's give each side a little leeway to vent. We've all read on different sites and each site tends to have a few posters who are a little more "creative" in their discriptions of the third party in our little painful triangles...rather it's the BS talking about the OW/OM or the OW/OM talking about the W/H. And these posters are usually in a lot of pain. Many are just beginning their healing paths, or haven't even set foot one out yet...so they need a SAFE place to vent.

A board, any board...should allow it's posters to release these negative emotions. It's a safe outlet...much better then a personal confrontation that's for sure.

JMHO

Hope you stick around. There is a lot of information on this site which may help you...on whatever type of healing path you are traveling.

Is bad-mouthing an OW ok? It is never nice to say something bad about someone. On the other hand some leave little else to say.

To feel better about ourselves? Rarely. That is not why most post about their sitch. Most are quite embarressed about it and find posting here helps. For those that read and help, the outside perspective is beneficial. Helps keep us in proper focus.

Then why vent it here? Well better here then elsewhere. Venting space.

Old saying: "If you don't have something nice to say about someone don't say it.": Good addage. Not always pratical but good to remember and teach our children. I was raised this way. I tried to find the good in all I met. There were a 'few' I have met where it just was not possible. OW was one of them. Boy I tried hard. I even sat at the computer to write it down. Got to 3 items and went blank. WhY? Because the side of her she showed to me was mean. I was not allowed to see the other side (not sure it really exists but hey, WS said she was a nice person). I had to really doubt the WS' judegement when this person was trying to have me arrested, fired and thrown in jail for totally bogus charges. She never met me. Spoke to me on the phone a few times and left a few 3rd party messages.

I am sure someone likes her (she does say her mother does) - I sure hope so, but then again does her mother know what she did to our family and her H? Hm......

So is it wrong to speak our mind and vent? No. Just where and when.

Since you choose not to share more of your situation, it is hard to help. If you can keep it all in you and it is good for you then go ahead. But if have read what some have been through, I think you would understand better. I certainly do. In fact I admire most here who actually handle their situations better than most.

Stick around a while longer......

Welcome to MB.

L.

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Personnally, I say this post just screams OW in disguise. JMHO

Good grief, of course its ok to come here and call the OP names!! How snotty and pernicious of you to try and make people feel guilty of a perfectly natural reaction after what they have been through. People do seem to have a slight "negative" reaction towards someone who sleeps with their spouse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The WS and the OP have practically DESTROYED the life of the BS and his/her children and you have the nerve to come here and slight them for "name calling?"

Do you have any idea how RIDICULOUS that sounds?

What kind of callous person walks into this sea of gut-wrenching heartbreak and despair and can only see the wrong of "name-calling?" Doesn't that say more about you than it does anyone else?

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by My favorite color-BLUE:
<strong>
I don't want my children growing up thinking that it's okay to treat people badly, No matter how you are feeling it doesn't give you the right to be mean or hurtful.

:</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh dear, and then this person drags the children into this sick, twisted little pursuit. She teaches them that it is the highest "virtue" to treat an evil person "civil." A person who has just heartlessly destroyed the child's family. What a very twisted set of morals we are operating from here. Moral of the story:

Ok to destroy one's family
BAD to be uncivil to said wrecker

That is twisted. No, Bad people should not be treated well. They should be treated warily and should not be treated with the same respect as others.

How confusing to a child to be told they have treat someone "civil" who has just done the most "uncivil" thing of all to their little life: destroyed it. Sick, sick, sick.

MelodyLane, you go girl, that post was very well put, i would like to add something too. Sure i very well agree that its the H's blame too, but, our OW knew he was married (as most do),has 2 children at home, married for 17 years (and has always been faithful). Does the OW know that while she was making love to my H, that i was at home crying myself to sleep with 2 kids in the next room, hoping they wouldnt wake up and ask me where is Daddy its so late. To OW out there, SHAME ON YOU, you violated my M and ripped out a peice of my heart that probably will never be replaced, name calling is a drop in the bucket, i wish you could re-live the hurt i felt through this entire mess......A/C0810

I feel sorry for you and your children. The OW deliberately went to your husband and created a mess. So what you are saying, this is okay. You are teaching your children that what the OW did is Gods word. Your children are becoming emotionally brainwashed, and this is not what God wants, betrayal, lies, deceit, secrets.

To have the kids see the woman as a woman of Gods children with what she did. NO!

To be civilized yes, but there are boundaries.

What people, including myself, are doing here is venting. We are so upset, by the lack of morals, and vows, that this gives us the right to vent. What the OW and your husband did, was that morally correct? NO! Did God see their relationship according to the bible? NO! Your husband cheating and lieing, this is Gods Word? NO! Your husband having an intimate relationship with another woman, this is Gods Word? NO!

In my opinion, you seem to have your head stuck in the ground like an ostrich. You need to look in your husband face and say, you lied, cheated, broke vows, committed adultery. And tell him.

Also, do you want your children doing this to their spouses when they marry? NO!!! There is a fine-line on being civilized, and having your head stuck in the ground.

Yes, being kind to your spouse is good. But the OW DELIBERATELY involved herself in a married mans marriage, and family. She destroyed your family, with your husbands help. She and your husband both will have to pay to God for their betrayal. Just be glad you are not in their shoes.

Wow Melodylane, you go girl. I just love your Texan mindset on such things. And I agree fully.

jd

Short answer: Yup. Sometimes. Better here than in our marriages.

MJ

I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.
I must not call OM a scumbag.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">have some of you thought about how it makes you look when you say that your H left you for some bimbo, slut, tramp or blimpo. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It looks incomprehensible and ill-considered of him.

I look fine, I have dignity, self-worth, self-esteem, I'm beautiful, intelligent, caring, a wonderful mother (when your teenagers tell you so, believe it!), I love my husband, became a more aware and better wife, and fought for my marriage.

The OW was still a slut. And that's how she looked and behaved. And, for awhile, it LOOKED like my H liked it.

And, I'm fortunate that when he re-gained his mind, I was the one he wanted and that LOOKS right.

Really, it's pretty skewed when you blame the betrayed for pointing out the OP is at the very least, ugly in spirit, low in morals, and has no real sense of character, and if her looks match, well...?

I've spoken to the OW, I was polite, cordial, but here on MB, I've said I had the opportunity to nudge her so that her long hair would have gone into the intake fan for a Kid's Jumping Castle and it was soooo tempting. That was a vent and I'm sure I've said worse here.

In the real world my behavior with her in the same room is FINE. If it weren't, she'd avoid me a lot more than she does <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Thanks for your viewpoint, I couldn't disagree more that a vent here means the BS doesn't act correctly or civil when OP the does unfortunately become someone you "share" with.

Even when you forgive someone, it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in the position of wholeheartedly welcoming them into your life.

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>I must not call OM a scumbag.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you call a married man (now divorced), 3x divorced, cheat on the first wife and the second wife "doesn't count" - imigration purposes and cheat the his last wife with first wife for 5 years plus 3 others women that the wife could count other than ONS. He infected his wife with herpes knowingly when he was marrying her. Infecting my WW and maybe me too :mad . I have to run to the clinic evrytime something shows up ... and so far they 'had cleared me out of it. Try to molesting his daughter's freind (13 years of age) ... his exscuse for A ... his W kicked out his son (her step) protecting their S & D from drugs and alcohol. W doesn't want to party and do drugs, alcohol & wild sex with him like a slut. Up to last week telling xW that he will go home if xW put his name on the deed of the house !!! and xW has to let him date, f!ck around and shut up.

No, Dave, I am not calling OM scumbags ... there is no name for OM. I will let MFCB to named him and introduce him to her kids and be civil with it or probably she should married this man.

I really would like MFCB to be around and share her OW's story ...
I don't beleive MFCB is BS ... the most I could buy is WS if not OW. She is really sound like my xW ... Hi xW, you don't know what he has done behind your back 'till 3 days ago <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... revenge is not mine but it comes from OM. I really want you get M to OM, I will send you a ticket for your honeymoon to Las Vegas. Prove me wrong about this man ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor:
<strong>Even when you forgive someone, it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in the position of wholeheartedly welcoming them into your life.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lady Lor, you could not put it any better ...

-rh-

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: A whole new me ]</small>

My favorite color_BLUE! Sure it was the H choice to cheat. But I tell you this. If there weren't women out there who were willing to drop their drawers for anything that comes along, the H would only be able to fantasize about it, not make it a reality! Nobody held a gun to OW's head.
I personally, hope your children are not reading the post here? That way they won't be effected. But no way would I want my children to respect someone like the OW. And they don't. Thank God they're grown and don't have to deal with it at a young age where they can't understand what went on.
IN The real world there are many out there we can't be civil to! But we usually have a choice of whether we want them in our lives, or around us. WE should have the right to choose who we allow into our circle.
I doubt there are many men, married or otherwise who could turn down an opportunity if it's thrown in their face. There are many good, moral men, so don't get me wrong. But most are hard pressed to avoid temptation. So if we had more morally, spiiritually,decent women in the world, and men, none of us would be here, now would we?
I have to call a spade a spade. It takes two to tango!
I wouldn't even want my children to be exposed to the OP. But if it's going to happen, better teach them about who she is and what not to respect of her. Otherwise, she is going to set an example for your children also, and if they're at a young age, very impressionable, they will start to think it's ok because mommy said respect this person!
Respect is earned, not a given right! And this woman hasn't earned any respect from anyone.
Gee,this feels good! It's the one place we can actually say what we feel, without doing a LB on spouse! Better to say it here than at home out loud!
You fail to get the reason for this site I think. Most are here to learn how to rebuild, and that means we shouldn't say these things to our WS. But for many like myself, it has to be said somewhere whether others agree or not. Repressed feelings only cause more emotional problems. So understand that many are trying to let it out where it will not harm their MBuilding efforts at home. That is why I do it here anyway. Same thing as going to a counselor really. Why would one pay to see a counselor and then repress all the anger, and thoughts? That's one reason you go to see one!
Whatever works for you, do it. But don't judge those who are also doing what makes them feel relief. LouLou

I've referred to his collection of "female friends who happen to be co-workers" by every name in the book. I can now scream words that would make a stevedore blush and I dare anyone to tell me I have no right to do that. They knew exactly what they were doing with a married man, they hid from me and lied to my face, and for that I will hate and despise them for eternity.

The only trouble is, my husband has never said one thing the least bit negative about any of them. Not once. Never. The fact that he cannot and will not do this speaks volumes to me. It just twists that knife in my back that much more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> maybe a year ago I might have joined in and said the same things </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Obviously, we aren't all at the same recovery place that you are. It's wonderful that you don't harbor those feelings - however, I would have to say you are in the minority.
DB

MFCB,

Only us the one had been hurt could understand ... BS/WS even repent OP too. If you have been lurking for more than 2 years you should know a lot about MB, please help others. I am Dv, I don't want my xW, I don't think she deserve forgiveness while she is deep in her fog. I might down the road as a act of compassion. But for OM, I am waiting for HIS promise of warp upon him. I am here now to help others, lending my shoulder and my 2 ¢.

I don't really care how other judged me ... I know who I am and I never let other people tell me otherwise ... this is me. Again if you are never betrayed or see the pain of betrayal ... you won't understand. This is why I raise hell when I saw your post. Stay around, there are many wise ones and many new experiences that people share with you. Post once in a while to lend hand.

-rh-

I think MFCB makes a good point. She is trying to be the "better person". Acting civil to her stbx's soon to be new wife is probably the b est thing she can do.

But MFCB, remember, people who come here frequently bite back those 4 letter words around their X and X's OP. They are taking an enormous amount of humiliation. MB is the one place where they can vent those feelings safely. In fact getting it out here, and getting advice and feedback as how to cope with those angry feelings, may in the end enable them to be more polite and respectful to X and OP's face.

You have one approach and others have different. Let's all try to respect each other and our different approaches. Unfortunately, MFCB's original post comes across as a bit judgmental of those who venting their anger on this board. Some of the follow up posters defended their POV(the right to be angry at OP and express it very vigorously)- to the point of sounding angry at MFCB for expressing her POV.

MFCB makes some good, realistic points though- too bad it made others feel criticized. Maybe she could have kept it more in the "I" arena as opposed to talking about what others are doing. (AS IN "I find that taking a civil approach to OW... and maybe tell us what techniques you use to help you do this).

On the other hand, responders, let's refrain from personal attacks on someone for expressing their POV. Let's all try to be respectful when we respond. I think some of the response posts were a little harsh on MFCB for expressing her POV. It's too bad because this could have been an interesting discussion of "How to be civil to the OW when you hate her guts?- let's share techniques."