Friday is the day. Going to be hard, sitting there and facing the split of this family, and split of this unity. Asking God for help, to get through the day, and to especially give me strength to get through those hours of the meeting. Some interaction with WH last night, and seems to be this is going to be an ugly meeting. He stated to me, so he has to take care of me the rest of his life. So I got a good catch (him). I didn't catch him. I loved him deeply. I still do. I didn't go out to catch him, I married him, cause I loved him, and I wanted to have children with him, and be a family, and have him as my most important person in my life, besides God. I am sorry. Words hurt, but I know the words fly out and cause hurt between us. My heart was given to my husband, my life, my body. I am sorry that he doesn't feel the same.

Just praying for my body to not shake and get a headache Friday. This is going to be tough, and I know there is going to be bad feelings flying around in the room. Would be nice if I could die before then. But you know, that would solve nothing. Just a bigger mess. What a mess, but one thing for sure, I have learned a lot about lawyers. I have learned a lot on spying. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about weaknesses. I have learned a lot about Love. I love God, my husband, my children, my family. Maybe I will take a Xanax at the meeting. Once again, relying on drugs, instead of God. I am scared, and just my scared taking over. God help me.

Hi Faith4me,

You think that Friday will be an ugly meeting? I have my doubts about that, because it would serve no good purpose for himself if snl got ugly. And no matter what snl does or does not do this week, I don't think you will allow yourself to spiral down and end up acting ugly yourself. So that's why I don't think Friday's meeting will be ugly, because I think you will take good care of yourself this week and continue to make progress with yourself!

Why are you praying that your body does not shake and that you don't get a headache on Friday? So what if your body shakes, it's not a big deal, this is a stressful situation and different people have different body reactions. Don't worry about things that won't make a difference ok?

You said that it would be nice if you died before Friday. I don't think it would be nice and I don't think indulging these thoughts will help you prepare to face Friday. Indulging these thoughts will give you an excuse "that's not your fault" for not participating in ways that take care of yourself on Friday.

Faith4me, please make a decison as soon as possible on what you want for yourself for Friday and let us know so that we will know how to support you in preparing for it.

Take care

Faith4me,
Don't beat yourself up for needing a Xanax, or even think that you are chosing drugs instead of God during this time.
I am a Christian, and during the time of my FWS A, I prayed to God to help me--couldn't eat/sleep/stop crying, for 6 WEEKS.
I believe God sent me to a decent doctor who got me on the medication I needed in order to help me survive that horrific time in my life.
I believe that God provided the medications I needed in order to function. Took Xanax for 4 months. Took Celexa for a year.
I believe that God led me to a most wonderful Christian counselor who understood my decision to try to save my marriage, who helped me to step away from my emotions and make the changes I needed to make.
God provides a way for you to cope. Sometimes it's a Xanax. If you need it for your session Friday, take it and thank the Lord for it.
Thanks for listening! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Love in Christ,
Miss M

For the reason of not shaking, I don't want to be the weak one. The one that can't hold her emotions together. If I need to I will take a Xanax, and be prepared.

Went to counseling today, and am now doing the workbook to go with the Boundaries book. He gave me the workbook to work on, but I have to return the book. He told me to work on Boundaries with your spouse. I read the chapter, and took notes in my workbook. SNL and I fall into the chapter of each of us intruding on each others boundaries. This will create disharmony bigtime.

Tonight, SNL comes over at 10pm. He wants to work on paperwork. I was working on my workbook, and son and I heard him at the dining room table, swearing. He hates paperwork, and that is what I am good at. We work well together on paperwrok. Anyways, I ended the part I was doing for the night, and went in to see. My goodness, the pile of envelopes to open. He says you want to work on this. If there were boundaries, I would of said, earlier in the day works better for me, I am going to bed. He did the guilt thing, which I see now. I stayed, cause I felt sorry for him doing this paperwork, and him fumbling through it. I use colors to highlight, and organize by dates, and label. That is what works for me.

He had me open letter, and telling me how he wants it done. Fine, but in the book it states, a 50/50 is what works in a marriage. I didn't see any 50/50 going on, but what I did is said, I work better doing paperwork this way. I said, I find highlighting works better for me. So I continued on with what I was doing, and kept doing it. The problem I see is that we both wanted each other to do it our way. That doesn't work. We worked well tonight, and got the piles organized and deleted duplicates. I highlighted the dates, and the patient on medical bills.

He was giving me orders, and the one thing that doesn't work in a marriage is orders. I said to him, I am working on the boundaries book, and I see the pattern that we set. What you are doing is not working. And of course he told me telling him is not working either. He said I want to do it this way, and get this over with. Hopefully, one day SNL will see telling, and asking, are two different scenes. A marriage of 50/50 works.

That is what I want, a marriage of 50/50. SNL does to. And now I am seeing more clearly everytime I read this book, that the 50/50 was 85/15. Either on his part, or my part. It is really a good book, and working with the workbook is much more indepth.

In counseling, we talked about the paperwork I filled out, and I actually was able to laugh at some of the things he said. I did cry, and he said let it out, this is what I am here for, to help you. It was a good session, and I am so thankful for a counselor that knows what he is doing, and knows how to work with couples. Also, there is going to be a 12 step anger program coming up this spring. He asked if I would like to attend, I said definitely. He asked if I would like to attend a divorce session that is going to be headed by their leading woman. He said she is good. He does the anger programs and some others. But she is excellent in the divorce program, and it is 8 weeks long. I said definitely. This is the time that I ma taking to do for me. No one else but me. And so if I don't work till this fall, or don't go to school till this fall. At least I am doing something that is productive, and good for this family. I am making a better mother, wife, and partner.

To die, I get low, and the counselor said this is very normal. I have to quit killing myself. I haven't experienced these high and lows before like this. He said this is quite normal, and to just let it be without beating yourself up. We talked about the value of myself. Which was dreadful. Yes, this Friday may be ugly, on SNL part, but I feel I am going to be quite respectful, and caring. I am a caregiver, and I still love my husband. I care about being fair, and equal. I care about my kids so much. I am a natural caregiver, the counselor saw it today to. He said he saw it the first time we met. Most people see it. He said, caregivers have a hard time treating themselves good. They are always looking out for the other person. That is what I did tongith with SNL, I stayed up because of him, because I wanted to be there to help this husband, because he needs help, and like he said, he works better with me. So I helped, and now I can go to bed.

Tonight was a peaceful night, and now I can let the drugs take me away. Goodnight.

Hi Faith4me,

You sound good! You sound focused! You sound as if you're pleased with the area of healing you're currently working on. I couldn't be happier for you Faith4me!

You said:
"For the reason of not shaking, I don't want to be the weak one. The one that can't hold her emotions together."

Faith4me, shaking is NOT a sign of weakness. It is one of the body reactions that people have when they are dealing with a situation that is emotional. Another way to look at it is that it is a sign of STRENGTH to be able to do what is necessary even when it is something that causes you to shake. Take the xanex if it won't interfere with taking care of yourself on Friday, there is no weakness in that either. But don't worry if you shake anyway--you live in a no-fault divorce state so you won't be the first one who is going through a divorce she doesn't want and will be somewhat emotional about it.

You said:
"That is what I want, a marriage of 50/50. SNL does to. "

Faith4me, please be cautious about this. It is not uncommon for the stbx to start talking like this in order to manipulate the other into giving up what is rightfully theirs in a divorce settlement. Please don't let "hope for the future" interfere with taking care of yourself on Friday. Once things are final you will not be able to go back and change it. Get everything you are entitled to--if you want to write snl a weekly check for some reason AFTER your divorce is final, you can do that whenever you want to. But to give up part of what you are entitled to in your divorce settlement would be like giving him a weekly check permanently with no way for you to change your mind about it. Also, if you two ended up wanting a 50/50 marriage with each other, then the alimony, property, etc would become joint assets again.

I don't know if I'm being clear or confusing. What I'm trying to say is that if snl is giving the impression that he "might consider" rebuilding with you, do not let that influence or interfere with the divorce that is "definitely" in progress now. You have nothing to gain and much to lose by giving up what you are entitled to--while it is the opposite from snl's position. The laws are there for a reason--take care of yourself and let your attorney do his job ok?

About helping snl last night--there's nothing wrong with helping snl if that's what you want to do. You can continue to help him as much as you would like to even after your divorce is final. The main thing is to make sure that you are giving what you can give cheerfully and willingly, not giving so much that you resent snl and yourself for doing it. Sounds like you did well with that last night and that you both benefitted from that! Good job!!

Faith4me, I need you to do something for me. I need you to tell me if the type of support I am offering you is/has been helpful. I need you to also tell me if any of it causes you problems that you would rather do without right now. You are doing well with the recovery plan you formed with your drs and therapist, and especially for preparing for Friday it's important that you do what is helpful and stay away from what brings you down. You won't offend me if you need me to quit posting to you for a while (or forever LOL)--in fact, another poster requested that and I still keep her and her family in my prayers (sometimes that's the only thing we are qualified enough to do).

Take care Faith4me--you're doing great!

Faith4me-

Like Miss M stated, don't beat yourself up on taking the Xanax. My doctor has had me on it regularly for over two years. It's only a small dose (25 mg) twice a day and it has helped.

Coincidently, I'm seeing a lawyer myself on Friday about filing. My wife won't be there, however. More on that later.

It is completely normal to be scared! But you need to keep telling yourself what I do. You've given it a long time and learned much. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You're going to be able to look back at all this someday knowing you did all you could possibly do!

My prayers are with you...

Yes, knowing that I will probably shake, is the way my body reacts to stress. I shook with my shoulder surgery, just more of the stress that I am dealing with, and that is the way my body reacts.

SNL does not seem to want the marriage. I was just giving some infor. out there. My counselor also talked about SNL and some of the things that might occur. Trying to prepare myself. See, I usually, let SNL take most of the hard stuff of our marriage, and he was pretty good at it. Now I have to take charge of all the hard stuff by myself. I know this is making me stronger, and more independent. I am pleased with what I have found and am pleased with the counselor I found, and the other counseling I am in. With the groups that will be forming, this is giving me more support and more people to talk to . That is one thing that I found that I need, talking. I want to talk, and talk and learn and spill my guts out. I think that is one thing that the two of us had in common. Talking, we would stay up the wee hours of the night talking, and I think I basically would fall asleep first. But I am finding that talking is really helping me, and realizing that I need changing as well as SNL needs changing.

Yet - I am very happy for your posts. Please keep me on the right track, and if I should get upset, tell me if I upset you. I am here to learn, and be a better person. And I am sorry if I do offend anyone. I am a natural caregiver, and that is what I intend to be. Maybe I was not a good caregiver, and everything else. But that is what life is for, learning everyday, to be a better person. You have good insight, and I am listening now. Maybe before I wasn't exactly listening, but now I believe I am. Your help is appreciated.

Always, yep, I am scared. Yep, I am having a hard time, Yep, I am a woman, a good woman, and a caregiver. Yep, I love my hsuband, Yep, I love God, Yep, I love my children. Yep,I love my family.

Suffering is the true cement of love.
by Paul Sabatier

Just pray for me, like my church is, and my friends, and my family. I now know that I have to give this all to God, and I am trying very hard. A friend of mine, sent me a card today, with a bear putting his arms out to give me a hug. Inside was a warm hug from a good friend. This brightened my day, and I said thank you to who? (God). CS thank you for the card.

Hi Faith4me,

I've been away for a couple days and wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you, and I'll be thinking of you for your meeting tomorrow.

Take care Faith4me

Dear F4me & SNL,

You are both in my heart and prayers tonight. Please work to making the best of this situation tomorrow. No need to add to the heavy burden that has been set before you.

SNL, if you must do this, then be decent enough to lessen the pain on your family as much as possible. I certainly hope you start to enjoy yourself because as I said before, for all this misery.....somebody BETTER be REAL happy for a long time.

You are both still welcome to call my home. Know that I have been spending way too many hours at work but will try to be home at least part of this weekend (you can try for Saturday evening). I am at work right now and thinking about what lies ahead for both of you tomorrow. It makes me very sad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thinking of you both,
L.

Faith4me- good luck with your meeting and I will be praying for you!

Back home, today turned out to be very ugly. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I cried, tried not to. I now know that SNL is out to screw me. His offer was so unreasonable. 5 years of alimony, I get this house, he gets all the vehicles, except mine, and he trailers. He gets the stock, he gets the house in Arizona.

The issue of him not coming to the home except for T and TH between the hours of 1-2 have never been forced by me. But my lawyers, think it is about time. No health insurance, no life insurance, signed registered letter yesterday that our vechilce and home insurance is going to be cancelled. Have to get all my medical bills, which SNL has, so have to make calls and have copies sent.. And get other things. God, this is so ugly. Now I know that SNL hates me, and all he is doing is looking out for himself. He doesn't care what happens to his wife of 25 years. Where is the caring, he stated. Where is the love. I wonder if he has any love for any of us. Oh forget it, I will come bak later when I can type without sobbing my eyesout.

dear faith- i am so sorry.

We have to go to court Thursday. I know SNL is out to screw me big time now. I know that SNL is hateful towards me, hates me, wants to get rid of me, can't wait to through my body in the ditch, I know now. I can't believe he would do this. I thought he would be reasonable, but now the truth comes out. Been difficult to eat or anything today. More of the can't believe this. I just can't believe this.

All that talk about his marriage builders posts, that he cares about me, take care of me. Well, the evidence was stated today. There is no caring, there is no wife, he doesn't even see me as a wife. Just a piece of garbage and toss in the dithc.

At least I don't have to talk to him. He is not to come over, for anything, nothing at all. Of course, there are things that he needs, he says. Like today, our son said he came over to get the dollie. He has a dollie in the garage. But the only one I have he took. More of the crap. He is not to be here at all, except for T & TH. More of the same stuff. He will do what he wants when he wants. Maybe tomorrow I should just stroll over his house. I haven't been there is so long, except for the other day, to drop off the cutoff notice of our auto&home insurance. I guess that means nothing to him.

I talked with the girls tonight, about having to pay rent here. I am going to have to ask them for rent. They said they can't afford it. I can't afford to live on with the alimony I am going to get. Another thing SNL made the taxes look like we only made 21K a year. So that is why alimony looks like that. I think SNL has been planning on this divorce for years, and seeing how I can get screwed. Also, I am to look as the bad guy now. I have to ask for rent, for food and etc. I have to bed and borrow and steal. Cause I am having 3 older ones live here, and they are not getting child support. I told my lawyer today, it looks like dad can look like Santa Claus & I can look like Mr. Scrooge. Fair, the legal system is not fair. I wish I had done things so differently. Like the house in Arizona where he and Mrs. X had their sex. He bought the house, and I didn't know anything about it. Then he is talking sweetly to me about using my settlement money to buy the house. I have always wanted to please him and look where it gets me. I fell for his game, and look where it got me. You know, SNL is winning by a large margin.

I hope you are happy SNL. I hope you are happy with the tears I have shed today. Did you shed any? Of course not, you are happy as a lark, probably talked to your OW afterwards, and said we are getting closer munchkin to being together. I don't want to live today. I hate life, I hate marriages, I hate SNL, I hate who he has become, I hate how he is being so mean, I hate how he is destroying this family. Bye.

Faith:
I really feel for you. I'm wondering if my WH of 26 years hates me too. He's still here with me but is threatening separation and doing sneaky things with money.

At the thought of him leaving, I have realized how emotionally dependent I am on him after being together for so long. It gets hard to go on sometimes for me too. I'm having a problem eating and sleeping. When did you give up on your marriage?

God Bless You

<small>[ January 17, 2003, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Hi Faith4me,

I'm so sorry that this is the way that snl is choosing to do this. I was hoping, as I'm sure you were too, that snl would willingly fulfill his responsibilities and obligations. Maybe he's not quite ready to give up the negativity and move on without it? Maybe he is trying to divert your attention away from your effective plan for recovery and healing? Who knows, and they are his choices to make anyway. I was hoping that he would choose better for himself, as you have been doing. Maybe oe day.

Well, Faith4me, this is why you're paying an attorney--it is YOUR ATTORNEY'S JOB to take care of the legalities. Allow him to do his job, and help him in any way you can for him to do his job well, ok?

Faith4me, YOUR JOB is to keep on your path to recovery and healing--no matter what else is happening in your life. You have been doing very well with that--keep up the excellent work and progress especially when the going gets tough (and when it gets tougher too).

Cry the tears you need to cry--let your tears wash out the old stuff and leave you refreshed and open to the wonderful new stuff you are on your way to. Keep on your recovery and healing path and pace yourself with crying--this is a long road.

Faith4me, look at how far you have come in one month's time!! One month ago you had no plan, now you have a good plan that you participated in forming with your drs and counselors! One month ago you were at the mercy of your emotions, now you are dealing with them in ways that build you up!! One month ago you thought you were at the end, now you're at the beginning of wonderful things! You have come so far in just one month's time!!! Faith4me, keep on your path to healing and recovery while your attorney does his job and while snl makes his own choices for his present and his future as those are his choices to make.

Faith4me, no matter how ugly this divorce gets or how ugly snl may or may not get, you know that you don't have to get ugly too. I agree with your attorney that it is time to enforce snl's visitation days--I believe that is what you need to do to avoid LBing snl and to protect yourself from snl's LBs to you. I also believe that you would be able to treat snl with consistent kindness and consideration if you consistently enforced the visitation boundaries. Leave the legal items to the attorneys to handle between them ok? Just keep your focus on where it benefits your life now and your future--keep on your path to recovery and healing.

You've made some impressive progress this last month!!! I have faith in you Faith4me that you will continue to make progress no matter what else is also in your life, and that you will benefit from everything you've learned about yourself so far.

Take care Faith4me, like you have been!

Looks like we were posting at the same time--I'm going to read your next post now.

Whoa Faith4me--slow down and breathe, just breathe. I will come back and post tonight or tomorrow.

This divorce is not final yet, this is just the beginning. EXPECT snl to continue to huff and puff, but only YOU can allow him to blow your house down!

If I'm not mistaken, in your state there is a procedure for AVERAGING income over a number of years to determine alimony, child support, etc. If I'm not mistaken, it is used when the recent income is drastically less than usual for "some" reason.

You are not powerless or hopeless Faith4me--unless you allow yourself to be. Don't be intimidated by the huffing and puffing--it's just hot air!

Take extra care now Faith4me

Yet Again - can't sleep, been crying in bed, and have to get up early tomorrow. Took a towel to bed with me and pooring my heart out. I just don't care anymore. He won, let him have everything, who in the hell cares anymore? I sure don't. I now know, the brigihter one, smarter one gets the prize. Just like in my family, my brother got my mothers attention for being more intelligent and muscially inclined. Now I see that SNL being intelligent (which we know he is) is winning. He is getting what he wants, screw me, and let me lie in th e ditch to die. Maybe I can be one of thsoe awful stories in the newspaper, right before going to court for Divorce, find wife of WS, left to die in the ditch. Finding he doesn't give a darn about her. And this is what he wanted in the long run. Now he has his Mrs. Perfect OW by his side. Maybe that is what my story will be at the end of this weekend. Hoping that I do die. Prayed to God, end it please. Can't go on anymore with this. I am the weakest link, just like his other woman used me for her pleasure to torture me. She didn't care how she was hurting me, or manipulating me. And SNL didn't care that she did this to me. Said she was in distraut. What about his wife me? No caring for me. Willl the evidence is out, he is winniing, he can go get his munchkin, he can have his life without his wife me, he can live his life knowing that he will make good money, and throw me in the ditch, and watch me die.

Yet again, I can't go on. Just no power left in me. I told my lawyer something today, and he said you are really down. I said yes, after awhile you just lose any power to live. And after this session, I said, why live. What the heck, I am just an interference to my family. They will survive. and there will be no hassles about who gets what. SNL can have everything. You know that is the best answer. That way there will be no more fighting, no more arguing. I just want to be cremated, and my kids and mother know this. So SNL stay out of my funeral. Leave me to be in ashes, and they know where I want to lay my ashed. Please do this one last thing for me. If this is all the respect you can give your wife of 25 years.

F4me,

Hey friend, listen that kind of talk will not do. We care for you and so does your family. They may not show it the way you need but they care.

It is not just that they are dependent on you but what other way have they been shown? Now is the time to teach them to make it on their own. Don't leave them now. They need you to show them the way. You grew up, now they need to also.

Come 'on girlfriend, you can not leave us now. We are for you.

I am home now if you need me to call.

I am sorry how it turned out, but now it is no longer a secret that SNL does not have all his family's interest at heart. Ok, if that is how he will be you can still surive.

The house in Arizona, why not sell it and split the proceedes? You take out your investment amount and them split the difference.

Just a thought. A few more will come later.

Right now you need to see your value here and at home.

Hugz,
L.

I talked to my lawyer at the meeting. He knows that SNL was talknning nice to me to get the house in Arizona. He knows that he used my money to buy the house. In the interrogation, it is recorded that he couldn't afford the house without my settlement money. I am screwed big time.

If I had to do this again. I would of hired a detective. Got all the info. Gone to a mediator and set all the evidence on to the table. The lies, the deceit, everything that I could find.

The house in Arizona. SNL wants. WHY? I think I know why. She only lives about 30 minutes from the house. I did all the work. Bought the house, found the landlord, he found the renters, and I okayed the lady that is renting the house. I talk to the landlord, fax over things when he needs them. I did all the damn work, and this is what I get. SNL lied to me, played to me that this is going to be our home, one day maybe retire there. Yeah right. He had no intentions from the beginning that we were going to be together.

Today has shown the real SNL, the one who told people here that he cares. Yeah right. There is no caring in this man. There is nothing towards me. Just get all he can get. Yes he is more powerful, smarter, he knows it too, he knows about the income taxes showing such a low income. I trusted him, I put my faith towards him in doing what was right. I no longer will ever trust any man. I will never let what SNL has done to my life ever happen again. If I continue on with life, at least I know what type of man SNL is now. I hope to God, my boys don't turn out like this, power over their wives, control everything. A marriage is suppose to be 50/50. I hope to God, that my girls don't let a man control them, and put power over them. I hope to God, that the get a good career, don't quit working if they marry, don't quit working if they have children. That is a big mistake for a woman to quit working and raising the kids. I thought SNL had the interest in the kids and me. Yeah, he had the interest in the kids. But as far as his wife, heck no. The truth came out today.

Instead of him settling in the office. We have to go to court. And who knows, this may go to trial. Well. SNL, hope you are happy. Hope you are laughing at me your wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Yeah, I am stupid, yeah I trusted you, and yeah you kicked me in the face and have thrown me high to the sky. I haven't landed yet, but Thursday I will fall to the ground, and I hope I die. You did it SNL, you did it good. Glad you won, and now you can continue to show your power and control. Do me a favor, don't look back to see how I land, or to wonder what happened to me. Just DON"T LOOK BACK. Your wife of 25 years, your wife of 4 beautiful children, your wife of working for free for all these years (I trusted you in that too), and look what I get, KICK the FACE, KICK the BUTT, KICK the ARM, KICK the BACK, and lay there to die. Your wife, I know you don't love me at all. Thanks for the 25 years. SNL. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />